Every Breath You Take:
Remember to Breathe
by Cynamin

Buffy was quite proud of herself that she never had to pull over on the road to L.A. Not that the memory flashes didn't keep coming, but they were less defined. She was better able to keep herself under control when they were like that. It took her longer to get to L.A. than usual, though. Still, the new memories remained vague. It was like there was a movie on that she wasn't really paying attention to. She was hearing just enough bits and pieces to get an idea of the story.

/She woke up and was surprised to find that she was alone in the bed. She'd gone upstairs to try and find Angel, but found Cordelia instead. She was less than helpful.

"You know, I'm in real pain here and all you can do is talk about Angel," she was saying. "Has it even occurred to you how this whole turning human thing might effect me?"

"Regrettably - no," Buffy replied, annoyed. "Look, if you know where he is, just tell me?"

Cordelia sighed. "He told me not to tell you."

A tinge of fear crept up on Buffy. "Is he in trouble?"

Cordelia shot her a look but said nothing.

"Cordelia, what are we, in second grade here? Tell me!"

"Oh, you want to talk about being mature?" Cordelia replied angrily. "Maybe it's time that *you* grew up and realized that you can't have anything. You can't have Angel and save the world. And anyway, it's your fault that he went to fight that thing by himself without."

The sense of dread grew. "What thing?"/

It was long after dark when Buffy finally arrived at the office of Angel Investigations. It was completely dark inside, but that was to be expected. And anyway, Angel's apartment was in the basement if anything she remembered was true. The only thing was, would he let anyone in this late?

She parked her mom's car on the street out front and sat in silence. She'd come all this way, and now she'd suddenly lost the nerve to go the last couple of steps. But she had to. Inside was Angel. Inside were answers.

Buffy was surprised to find the front door unlocked and she swung it open cautiously. She was greeted by a scene she never would have expected - it was something from her nightmares. It was chaos.

A hysterical woman cowered to one side of the room, the blood speckling her face and clothes clear even in the dark office. Wesley lay crumpled in a far corner, conscious but obviously dazed. Cordelia held a bottle of water menacingly - or defensively - before her. And in the middle of it stood Angel, his voice cold and mocking, his vampiric features twisted in a sneer.

Angelus.

Buffy fought back the hurt that sprang up at seeing him like this. Angel was a loving and sensitive man, even dead. Angelus was an evil, powerful, and extremely cruel vampire. Right now she needed to make sure he was no longer a danger to anyone. Later she could cry over how he'd gotten this way.

"Hello, lover," Buffy said loudly and clearly, interrupting Angelus' last tirade.

The vampire turned and smiled at her coldly. "Well, what a surprise, Buff. This visit is certainly the last thing I expected. What mission of anger brings you here this time?"

"Oh, the usual," Buffy replied just as coldly.

Angelus shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Saves me the trouble of having to track you down."

"Aw, I'm flattered," Buffy replied, stepping further into the office. "Still thinking about me?"

"What can I say, you've been on my mind," the vampire replied mockingly. "Can't say the same for your mind, though."

"What does that mean?" Buffy asked darkly. She clutched the stake in her pocket.

"Oh, you know exactly what I mean. Tell me, how long was I gone before you were in someone else's bed? And after him? Who is your college boy toy now, huh? The blond one, rather bland? Or have you replaced him by now, too?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Buffy nearly growled. "You left me. You wanted me to find someone normal. So you know what? I did."

"Normal, huh?" Angelus sneered. "You got that, alright. Boring too. I just never expected you to forget your 'dear sweet Angel' so fast. But then, I guess you're really good at forgetting."

If Buffy paled, it wasn't visible in the darkened office. "What are you talking about?" she asked, her voice just above a harsh whisper.

"*I'll never forget, I'll never forget,*" he mocked. "But then, I guess the second time isn't nearly as memorable as the first. Or the third time, for that matter."

Wesley sprang up from where he was crouching then, catching the vampire completely off guard. He tackled Angelus and sent him crashing into the elevator shaft. The vampire fell and did not get up.

The office was silent then.too silent and too dark. Buffy suddenly realized she was trembling. She wanted to sit down, maybe even cry for a while, but she couldn't. Not until this was over.one way or another.

"Buffy." Wesley's hand was on her arm and she jumped.

She glared at him, her teeth clenched. "What the *hell* happened?"

Wesley flinched. Buffy felt a bit guilty for taking out her pain on Wesley. Only a bit though.

It was Cordelia who replied. "Ask *her,*" she said with surprising venom, gesturing at the other woman in the room.

Buffy spun on the third woman. She looked terrified, but Buffy didn't care. She was also rather pretty, and looked vaguely familiar to Buffy. Had Angel slept with this woman? He wouldn't, would he? Break the curse like that? "What did you do?" Buffy asked, her voice dangerous.

"I." the woman said, shock making her speechless.

"She drugged him," Cordelia provided.

Buffy glared at the woman. She pulled out her stake threateningly. "Get out," she snarled.

"I."

"She said 'Get out,'" Wesley reiterated. Faced by their three angry stares, she fled the office.

Cordelia sighed. "There goes our first - and likely only - celebrity client," she said.

Buffy just looked at her blankly.

"Come on, then," Wesley said, walking towards the stairs into the basement apartment. "Let's deal with Angel before he wakes up."

Buffy looked blankly at the stake in her hands as she followed him. Could she do it? Could she kill the demon that wore Angel's face?

Wesley must have realized what she was thinking as she came to stand beside him, for he placed a hand on her hand with the stake. "There's no need for that," he said softly.

Buffy just blinked at him.

"He hasn't lost his soul," Wesley explained. "Angel is still there."

"So, what?" Buffy asked in angry confusion. "He just decided to let his demon out to play?"

"No," Wesley explained, "it was the drug he was given. It.simulates bliss. Happiness."

"Oh," Buffy said softly.

They had reached the bottom of the stairs. "Buffy, help me get Angel to his room. Cordelia, get the chains."

Cordelia looked like she was about to retort, but then decided better and went to follow orders. For Buffy's part, she had nothing to say either. She was trying not to concentrate on the situation she had stumbled into. Trying not to think about Angel unconscious in her arms as she and Wesley carried him between them. Her distractions were no better, though.

There was Angel's apartment. When she had the chance to look around, she knew the place too well. It was exactly like she had dreamt of it. Every corner, every piece of furniture.she even knew what Angel's bedroom looked like before she entered it. It was too real.

Her mind traced back to her 'conversation' with Angelus only minutes before. All of those words about forgetting. She knew that Angel's feelings existed somewhere within those cruel words. What *was* he trying to say to her?

/I'll never forget./

Buffy nearly dropped Angel onto his bed. The words, the thoughts, the apartment, the *bed*.she *knew.* She remembered.

/Buffy heard Angel's steps on the stairs down to his apartment. She waited for him to appear, worried and tense. Where had he been? It only got worse when she finally saw him. He was tired, bruised, but the look on his face.

"I'm guessing that expression isn't because they were out of fresh O.J. at the deli," Buffy tried to quip. It fell very flat. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened. I just."

Buffy knew there was something on his mind; she would always know. "Where have you been?"

"I went to see the Oracles," he explained. "I asked them to turn me back."

It hit Buffy like a punch in the stomach. "What? Why?"

Angel stepped closer to her. "Because more than ever I know how much I love you."

Buffy backed away. He wouldn't. He *couldn't*. "No. No, you didn't."

Angel followed her. He was eager to make her understand. "And if I stayed mortal one of us would wind up dead, maybe both of us. You heard what Mohra said," he continued.

Buffy didn't want to understand. "Mohra is dead. We killed him."

"He said others would come."

"They always come," Buffy cried. Hadn't they had this conversation before? "And they always will. But that's my problem now, not yours, remember?"

"No," Angel said. "I won't just stand by and let you fight, maybe die, alone."

"Then we fight together," Buffy tried.

"You saw what happened last night," Angel objected. "If anything I'm a liability to you. You take chances to protect me, and that's not just bad for you, it's bad for the people we were meant to help."

"So what?" she said angrily. "You just took a whole twenty-four hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe and decided it was more fun being a super hero?"

"You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others?" He reached out to hold her gently. "I know. I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure.if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning."

Buffy sniffled. "I understand," she said. But did she really? It was too sudden to tell. "So what happens now?"

"The Oracles are giving us back the day, turning back time so I can kill Mohra before his blood makes me mortal."

"When?" A day, please, one more of this happiness. An hour.

Angel pulled away slightly to look at the clock. "Another minute."

"A minute?" Buffy could feel the tears beginning, the horrible sobs. "No. No, it's not enough time!"

"We don't have a choice." She could hear the pain in Angel's voice too. "It's done."

"How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?" It was unimaginable.

"You won't. No one will know but me."

"Everything we did," Buffy sobbed.

"It never happened."

Buffy shook her head in denial. She couldn't believe what he was saying.what was happening. "It did. It did. I know it did!" She placed a hand on his chest, over his heart. She could feel the movement of his breath, his warmth. "I felt your heartbeat," she whispered.

"Buffy." Angel said in despair. Their lips met in a panicked, passionate kiss. Their last one.?

Buffy looked at the clock when they broke apart. The second hand moved steadily around, oblivious to her anguish. "No! Oh god," she sobbed. "It's not enough time."

Angel held her tightly, his clasp desperate. "Shh, please. Please." he tried to sooth her. He was crying too, though, their tears mingling on her cheeks. "Please, please."

"No," Buffy sobbed. She held onto him desperately, but she was also holding onto her memories, their happiness. "I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget."/

When her mind cleared again, she was sitting on the chair next to Angel's bed. Her heart was pounding and her breath was racing. Angel was already chained up, practically a mummy encased in metal and rope. Cordelia was standing in front of her, saying something.

"Huh?" Buffy said, blinking.

"I asked what you were doing here," Cordelia said, annoyed. "God, where were you just now?"

"Believe it or not, I was here," Buffy muttered.

Cordelia just looked at her. "Do I have to ask a third time?"

Buffy sighed. "I've been.having dreams. Memory flashes. And.I need to talk to Angel about them."

"What sort of.dreams?" Cordelia asked, bewildered.

Buffy supposed it was rather odd to come all the way here based on a dream. She hadn't wanted to say anymore, but. "I remember."

Cordelia blinked at her. "When did you start taking lessons from Cryptic Guy? Remember what?!"

Had Angel never told anyone? Or had she - god forbid - actually imagined all of this. She was so *sure* it was real. "Cordelia, I *remember.*"

"You remember.? Oh! You *remember.*" She gestured towards Angel.

Buffy nodded.

"Are you mad at him?" Cordelia asked. "Because I don't want to deal with his brooding after you leave. Or, any more than usual, that is."

Buffy thought for a second. "No, I'm not mad at him," she said. "Actually, I was hoping that this might be a.good visit." Was that an impossible hope?

Cordelia smiled a touch sadly. "Good luck."

There was a silence between them for a long moment. "I have to call Willow," Buffy said suddenly, standing.

Cordelia put a hand on her arm. "Wesley said he'll be back to normal when the drug wears off," she said. Then in a softer tone, "If not.I promised Angel I'd kill him if he ever."

Buffy looked back at her seriously. "Then let's just hope it doesn't come to that."

"So there's no way to fix the curse?" Willow said in dismay.

Tara leaned back against the wall and shook her head. "It's a curse," she explained. "Curses break.that's part of being a curse. Like.Beauty and the Beast, his curse would break if he ever was loved by someone."

"Then.is there some way we could get around that, maybe? Another way attach his soul?" Willow suggested.

Again Tara looked dismayed. "Look at it this way," she said. "When a body dies, the soul is released. A soul has no way to hold onto a dead body. And vampires are.dead, right?"

Willow nodded. "So the curse is the only thing keeping his soul here."

"Right. And how about this.it might explain the.loophole," Tara said. "Which would you say is stronger, a happy soul or a sad one?"

"A happy one," Willow said without hesitation.

"So maybe.. His soul, when happy, has the strength to break free of the unnatural situation it's in."

"Being attached to a dead body," Willow clarified, nodding slightly. It made sense. But there had to be some way.

The phone rang, interrupting her thoughts. She climbed over the papers and books to get to the phone, all the while gesturing at Tara to be quite and wait for her. Willow nearly knocked the phone off the table when she reached it on its third ring. "Hello?" she said, picking it up, a bit breathless. "Buffy?" she asked after she didn't get an immediate answer.

"Yeah, it's me, Will," came the familiar voice of her roommate.

"Thank god! I was so worried.I got back to the room and you weren't here! And then you said you'd call, but it was hours and you hadn't called and." Willow babbled in a bit of a panic.

"Sorry," Buffy said softly. "I...stumbled into a bit of a situation here."

"Oh," Willow said, not exactly relieved. "Are you alright? Are you in L.A.with Angel?"

"Yeah, I'm with Angel," Buffy said, her voice odd.

"Did you.talk to him about your.dreams or whatever?"

"Um, he sort of can't talk right now," Buffy explained. Before Willow could say anything though, Buffy continued, her voice suddenly animated. "But I remembered, Will. What I was seeing.it was real."

"What?!" Willow asked. Of all the things she expected to hear, that wasn't it. "Huh? How? I mean.are you sure?"

"Pretty sure," Buffy said with certainty. "I had a lot of time to think on the way here. And.when I got here. It's exactly like I remember it, Willow. His apartment.even though part of me says I've never been here before. But now.I remember everything now."

"And he was human?" Willow asked with a gasp.

"Yeah," Buffy said softly. "Yeah, he was."

"But.he's not human now.right?"

"Right," Buffy said with a sigh. "He was too weak to fight and.and he thought I would get hurt.or killed. Or others would. So.he got time turned back. Only he would remember so he could stop the same thing from happening again.. Except I do remember.. Oh god."

"You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Buffy said very softly. "It's just.all sort of hitting me right now. I'm.I guess I'm in shock."

Willow said nothing for a moment, uncertain of what to say. "Uh, Buffy? Can I ask something?"

Buffy hesitated. "Alright."

"If.if you could, would you get back together with Angel? I mean, even with the whole vampire thing, and the curse, and everything?"

Buffy sighed. "If you asked me this morning, I would have said no without even thinking about it. But I had a lot of time to think tonight," she said. "All I ever wanted from Angel from himself. I'll take him any way I can get him. But now.maybe it can't be. Maybe it's too dangerous for everyone when we're involved. That doesn't stop me from wanting him.us, though."

Willow thought for a second before she continued. "And.if the curse wasn't a problem? Or if he was human?"

"In a heartbeat," Buffy said quickly. "But it won't work. Being human.we've already proven that won't work." She sighed again. "I want everything, Willow. Instead I've ended up with nothing."

"You've got Riley," Willow said softly, a touch of hesitation in her voice.

Buffy cursed under her breath. "I forgot about him."

"I noticed. So what are you going to do?"

"I'm.I'm going to try and work something out here. I have to."

"And Riley?"

"Willow," Buffy began to explain, "Riley.he's like vanilla ice cream. Good, perhaps, but not much to it. Angel, he's.he's cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip. All sorts of interesting bits and pieces."

"It'll rot your teeth," Willow said with a chuckle.

"Maybe," Buffy said, her tone suddenly light hearted, "but I'll love every minute of it."

Willow chuckled. "Well, you'd better get some rest. You'll call me tomorrow and tell me when you're coming back?"

"Yes, Mother," Buffy said jokingly. After a moment she said more seriously, "Thanks for understanding."

"Always," Willow replied, and listened as the phone clicked off. Hanging up the phone, she turned to look at Tara again. She sighed. "What were we saying?"

"That vampires are dead."

"Right," Willow remembered. "Tara.I really want to do something for the two of them. I mean, someone deserves to live happily ever after, right?"

Tara smiled. "You're a good friend, Willow."

Part Three

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