Sitting on the bus I stare out the window. I don't know where I'm going, truthfully I don't care. We drive along the coast. The ocean is gray, large waves brake on the rocky shore. As tears form in my eyes I can almost see myself in that ocean. The waves crash over my head, I'm drowning and no one's there to save me. The only person who could save me is gone. I killed him.

When I think about it I'm a lot like the ocean. Sometimes calm, loving but dangers lie within me. Wherever I am storms brew out of control and people suffer, die. Everything I touch, love ends up being hurt. I wish this wasn't true, I wish that I was just a normal girl but I know that I'm not and can never be.

A single tear traces a path down my cheek, I know that others will follow. It seems that since he left all I've been able to do is cry. Angel. His name brings fresh pain, his memory, still so vivid in my mind, brings more tears. I wonder if I'll ever stop crying. I've never felt so alone.

It all seems so unfair. I've dedicated the last two years of my life to saving the world, and happiness, the few moments I was granted, were all with him. My friends, I wonder how they are. Do they think about me? I hope that they understand that I did what I had to. I couldn't put them in any more danger. They should never have been involved in the first place. Mom. Does she miss me? Does she know that I loved her?

I hope that my note helped to comfort her. Even if only a little.

I haven't made contact with them. I think it's better that way then they won't hold on to the false hope that I'll be coming back. I wish there was some way I could find out how they were doing. I don't even know if Giles is okay.

When I look back I see that this, all of it, is my fault. I should never have thought that the world would allow me to be happy, even for a brief second. I should have known never to fall in love but I know the first time I saw him that love was inevitable. God, it didn't matter to me that he was a vampire. I loved him for his soul. His deep eyes, always filled with pain and regret. I would have given anything to take that pain away. I guess in a way I did. That was how this whole mess started. Still I don't regret our night together. I can't. It's all I have left.

I see his eyes as they were before he was taken away from me. Sucked into the vortex. They showed his pain, sorrow, confusion but above all that they showed his love. I don't understand how he could still love me, after everything that happened but he did right up until the very end. My name was the last word to escape his lips. I thank god that I was able to hold him, tell him I loved him one last time. I was glad that he couldn't remember the things he had done while his soul was gone. He didn't deserve to feel that kind of pain.

Tears now flow freely. I loved him and I had to kill him. Why? Because of my duty my responsibility. What about him? What about my responsibility to him? I guess that my feelings really don't matter. If they did none of this would have ever happened. As time goes on will his memory fade into the recesses of my mind? I hope to god it won't. Memories are all I have left.

I wish that I had more time with him, that I was able to tell him I love him, I miss him or just to hold him, feel him close to me. My hope is dead though, I know that he never will come back to me. When he lost his soul, at least he was there and I was able to hold onto the smallest shred of hope, now even that's gone. I'm falling and it's a long way to the bottom. When I finally reach the bottom will he be waiting for me with open arms? Will we be together in death? I don't have an answer to this question. More tears fall.

It's so sad that I was only able to say 'I love you' three times. I was only able to hear those same words from him three times. I loved him with my whole heart and I know he loved me in the same way although I wouldn't blame him if he hated me now. Did he understand why I had to kill him? As he faded from my world I tried to communicate this to him with my eyes. I think it might have worked. I have to believe that.

I don't think that I'll really be able to start a new life. So much has happened in my past that it seems almost impossible. In the beginning I thought I was running towards a new life, I think now I finally realize that I'm just running towards death. I don't know when it will come but I know it will be soon. I really have nothing left to live for.

Maybe one day I'll see Angel again, feel his strong arms encircle me, feel his soft lips on mine but for now all I can do is shed bitter tears. Over the people that I failed, Kendra, Miss Calendar, my mom, Giles, Willow, Xander, Cordelia. I let them all down but most of all Angel.

It is now raining, I hear the droplets hit the metal roof of the bus. They cover the sound of my sobs. Clouds cover the sun. I don't mind, the sun has never done anything for me anyway. Nightfall is will come soon and more memories will come along with it. For now all I can do is cry.

Hope you like it. Send feedback!

Go here for more of Jade's stories.