Coming Home
Disclaimer: The characters in the following story are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, and the WB. No infringement intended.
He was curled in a ball on the library floor. Buffy stayed back, still not sure if the spell had worked. Giles, Willow, Xander, Oz, and Cordelia stood in a circle around them, holding candles. She stared at Angel, or Angelus, uncertain who, or what, lay on the floor in front of her. < Move! > she thought fiercly. < Move, so that I'll know! >
As if he had heard her, he began to slowly raise his head. He looked at her, and as she stared into his eyes, she knew that it was Angel. Angelus couldn't feel the pain that she saw in his eyes. She fell on her knees beside him, and the circle of candle holders relaxed, but remained watchful.
Angel < oh God, it's him, I finally have him back... > was still struggling to get up. Buffy knelt nearby, afraid to touch him. She felt the guilt that she had been keeping at bay for weeks well up inside her. It was her fault that he had become a demon; what if he couldn't forgive her? The tears spilled from her eyes and poured down her cheeks. "Angel? " she whispered.
Angel raised his head again and looked into her eyes. The one glimpse of doubt that he got was too much. He remembered all that he had done to her, all the suffering that he had put her through, and he couldn't bear it.
< What if she can't forgive me? > he thought.
With a sudden effort, he forced himself to his feet. He turned to look at her friends, *his* friends, who were watching him warily. He couldn't bring himself to look at Buffy again. He didn't want to see the doubt, the accusation. "I'll leave tonight, " he promised. He couldn't think of any other way to end their suffering. And he walked out into the darkness.
Buffy sat in shock on the floor, tears still streaming down her face.
She slowly got to her feet, and then suddenly she was gone, and the library do or slammed behind her, leaving her friends to watch and wait.
She reached the door to his apartment in record time. She knocked softly. "Angel, it's me. Please let me in, " she called. < Would serve you right if he never spoke to you again > she thought.
He heard her voice and wodered why she was there. < To throw anything I ever gave her back in my face. I think that's the usual ritual when a girl dumps you > "It's open, " he said. "I don't know why you want to see me, but it's open. "
Buffy let herself in and closed the door behind her. When she saw him, her breath caught in her throat. Angel was dressed the same as he had been the morning she had come to tell him about her dream, before this had all started.
Black sweatpants, bare feet, bare chest.... the tears came thick and fast again at the memory.
He had his back to her, hands pressed against the wall, shoulders tensed. < This hurts > he thought. but he had to tell her that it was all right not to forgive him.
"Buffy, you shouldn't be here. "
"Well, were should I be then? " she asked, trying to control the tears. < Stupid girl, how could you ever think that he could forgive you..... >
"At home, in bed, asleep. Not here. I'm leaving. Tonight." He prayed that she couldn't hear the pain in his voice, that she wouldn't stay too long. < Does God listen to the voices of the damned? > he wondered. There was silence for a long time.
When he felt Buffy's hands on his back, Angel flinched. < How did she cross the room so quietly.... > She pulled away for a moment, then replaced her hands. After a time, she leaned her cheek against his back. He could feel
her tears running down his skin, could hear her ragged breathing. "I know you can't forgive me, Angel, " she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I should have listened, it's my fault you changed... I'm so sorry Angel. I'm so unbelievebly sorry... " As her words turned to sobs, he turned and took her in his arms.
"It wasn't your fault, Buffy. *Never* let yourself believe that. I couldn't have stopped either by then. I know I did terrible things, Buffy. I'm the one who can't be forgiven, not you. Never you - "
"I forgive you. "She was looking up at him, tears still running down her face. "I forgive you, if you forgive me. "
He stared at her. "Buffy, you shouldn't. We can't be together. Look what happened last time. "
"We researched everything that we could about the spell, Angel. This one won't break. Ever. I went through hell to get you back, and I'll be damned if I lose you now. " As he stared at her in shock, Buffy reached up and laid her hand along his face, looking into his eyes. "I still love you, Angel. More than anything, I want you to forgive me. " Angel started to speak, but she cut him off. "I know you say that it's not my fault. But forgive me anyway. The things you did weren't your fault, and I forgave you. Please, " she begged, "just say it. "
Angel sighed, and ran a hand through her hair. "I forgive you. " He reached for her hand, and looked at the ring he had given her. Slowly, he turned his own hand and looked at the ring that he still wore, the twin of hers. "I don't know why I never took it off, " he said wonderingly. "Maybe something in me still loved you, all that time. "
With her eyes on his, Buffy took his hand and kissed the ring. < That night at the docks... > The memory slapped him in the face. "I still love you, " she repeated. "Do you still love me? "
Angel looked at her. < I should lie. I should lie, and break her heart for real this time, and leave. But it hurts too much. I can't leave her > "Yes. I love you more than anything. "
She didn't speak. She didn't kiss him. She simply gave him one radient smile, leaned her head against his shoulder, and held him as tightly as she could. Angel rested his chin on her hair. "I love you, " he whispered.
Again, and again, and again...
Together, they stood outside the library doors, looking through the windows. Giles was sitting at one of the tables, researching. Typical. Willow and Oz were sitting on the stairs, leaning against each other. Oz was playing with her hair, and she was laughing. Across the room, Cordelia had fallen asleep on Xander's shoulder, and he was holding her hand.
"Do you think that they'll forgive me? " Angel asked. "After all this, why would they? "
Buffy took his hands. "For the same reason I did. It wasn't your fault, Angel. It wasn't anybody's fault. "
They started to enter the library, but suddenly Buffy stopped. She turned to Angel and smiled. "Kiss for luck? " she asked. Without waiting for a response, she kissed him. He held her as tightly as he could, never wanting to let go again.
< It doesn't hurt now. It'll start again soon, but this doesn't hurt. This is like coming home. >
~
The End~
Go
here for more of Rose's stories.
Back to Buffydom General (Coming Soon!)