I know they’ll be worried sick about me, what with me just disappearing like that, but I didn’t have any choice. I can picture the scene at Giles’ now as clearly as if I was in the room. Spike and Xander would be suggesting that he contact Angel...only not that politely. Dead Boy, Soul Boy, Peaches and The Poof would be amongst the nicer names they’d use. Willow would be being her normal anxious self. Anya would be telling everyone not to worry as I was probably off having intercourse. Riley would be asking who the hell Angel was and why I would be with him. And Giles? The man who looks to me and loves me as a daughter would be keeping his emotions hidden as he fought to retain some semblance of normality in his home.

What the hell was I doing? Not the disappearing bit, the with my life bit. I ’d been in the middle of applying my makeup when reality hit me head on like a Semi. I paused mid-application as images bombarded me. I saw who and what I had become and it scared me. It was as if a demon had set up shop in my body, using me to do its will, living its life through me. Then bang; I was back and I was in control. Just like Angelus and Angel.

Angel. My biggest betrayal. Oh God I am so sorry My Love, for that is what you still are. How could I have been such a fool? I was hurt and angry, but that was no excuse. I let them touch me when, even as it was happening, some part of me was screaming ‘No, this is wrong, they are not him’. Why didn’t I listen?

I know you know about Parker and Riley. I’ve hurt you and I wish I could take away that pain. It isn’t love. It was never about love. How could I love anyone other than you? You are perfection. I’m not delusional; we have our problems but you are perfect. We’re two sides of the same coin. Everything with you just...fits.

I’ve turned my back on everything and everyone who ever meant anything to me. Xander, Willow, Mom, Dad, Cordelia, Giles, you. I have become a jaded facsimile of my former self. Can all of you ever forgive me? Will you even want to try?

I’ve got to put a stop to all this. I have to find my way back to who I really am. I’d rather do it with all of you by my side but, if it is too late for that then, I’ll do it alone. I have to stop pretending and be me for a change, not who everyone else thinks I should be.

I’m going to cause more pain before the healing can start. I have to let Riley go. I know now that I don’t love him; I never have. I cannot give him what I don’t have. I don’t think he’ll understand and I’m sure he will hate me. Good. If that is what it takes. If his hatred gives him strength to move on then so be it.

I know that I have to go back now, back to you all, back to me. It’s time to start living again. I have finally broken free.