The College Food Chain
THE DEAN Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God THE DEPARTMENT HEAD Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if sea is calm Talks with God PROFESSOR Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if a special request is honored ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR Barely clears a quonset hut Loses tug of war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God ASSISTANT PROFESSOR Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Treads water Talks to animals INSTRUCTOR Climbs walls continually Rides the rails Plays russian roulette Walks on thin ice Prays a lot GRADUATE STUDENT Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotives two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life jacket Talks to walls UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings Says "Look at the choo-choo" Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself THE DEPARTMENTAL SECRETARY Picks up tall buildings and walks under them Knocks locomotives off track when sneezes Catches speeding bullets in teeth for fun Parts large bodies of water Is God