.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, Imake it my duty to conduct a test of the strength and robustness of this candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, sqeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&M's are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&M's, as a race, cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally, I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness [a lethal mutation], but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. [So much for those who reject Darwinism out of hand.]

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3X5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&M's. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one!

Anonymous