PLAYGIRL, Inc. Philadelphia, Pa. 19369

Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our centerfold, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call us.

Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith

p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?