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[Fade in to corridor with Lister and Duo, who are wobbling drunkenly along it, twirling their guns in the air and singing.]
LISTER & DUO: [off-key] Gee Mom I wanna go home! I'm tired and I wanna go to bed! I had a little drink about an hour agoooooo, and it's gone straight to my heeeeeeead! [Repeat as necessary.]
[They reach the corridor where Rimmer is lying unconscious.]
LISTER: Well. It got Rimmer. [They leave.]
[They reach another corridor, where the Cat and Wufei are lying unconscious.]
DUO: Whaddaya know. It got them too.
LISTER: Let's head back to Trowa, see if he's heard anything from Kryten and Quatre.
DUO: Right.
[Still mumbling their song, they link arms and waddle back to the lounge. They open the door. Except for the unconscious Heero lying on the table, it's empty. The laptop screen is blinking.]
DUO: It must've gotten Trowa too! [Hey, he's drunk, it doesn't have to be logical.]
LISTER: Guess we're the last ones left, man. It's up to us.
DUO: That's right! Let's go kick its ass! [Looks all over for his gun, finally locating it in his left hand. Duo and Lister wander out the door calling to it.]
DUO & LISTER: Here, polymorph! Here, morphy morphy morphy!
[Their voices fade away into the distance. Heero, on the table, stirs and blinks awake. He looks around the room in confusion.]
HEERO: I thought there were people here.... [looks at laptop screen, then shakes his head in confusion] Wonder what it's trying to tell me. Hm. I hope they come back soon...I'm lonely.
[Cutaway to Rimmer, surrounded by fallen boxes. He wakes, stands up, and brushes himself off, then he heads down the hallway. He reaches the place where Wufei and the Cat are lying unconscious. He picks them up and throws them over his shoulders. He keeps going. He encounters Kryten, who is smoking a cigarette and sauntering.]
RIMMER: [in Ace Rimmer voice!!] Kryten! You okay there chap?
KRYTEN: [a la James Dean] Yeah, yeah, was just out looking for you.
RIMMER: These poor fellows weren't so lucky. We'd better get them back to the lounge.
[They walk away, Rimmer still carrying both unconscious Cat and Wufei. Fade.]
[Fade in to lounge. Heero is sprawled in a chair, staring at the ceiling and singing Gerschwin to himself.]
HEERO: [quiet, but remarkably on-key] I'm a little lamb...[fumbles over words]...maybe I could...really be good...someone to watch over me.... [bright Quatre-style smile]
[The door opens and Rimmer enters, followed by Kryten. Rimmer deposits Cat and Wufei on the couch as Heero launches himself from his chair and throws his arms around Rimmer's neck.]
HEERO: I'm so glad you came! I was lonely here all by myself!
RIMMER: [pats Heero's back] There, there, it's all right, everything's going to be fine. [pries Heero off of him and gets him settled again. Kryten lights up another ciggie and sits on the edge of the table, then reaches over to tap a key on the computer. Holly blinks onto the screen.]
HOLLY: Well it's about bloody time. I don't know what was taking so long--hey, where'd he go? The chap with the hair?
KRYTEN: I don't know, he wasn't here when we go back.
HOLLY: Well..that's too bad. Polymorph must've gotten him I suppose. Can't find him now, can't locate him anywhere. Or the little blonde one either. They must've gotten lost in the ventilations ducts somewhere, where I can't find them. Lister and Duo are still around somewhere though. They're so drunk it's hard to tell if it's gotten them or not.
[About this time, Wufei and the Cat begin to moan. Their heads raise from the couch. Wufei just looks around, but the Cat starts to moan.]
CAT: No...no...please, no...not again...
HEERO: [throwing an arm around Cat's shoulders and beaming] What's the matter?
CAT: Not Dwayne Dibbley....please, God--Lister, whoever--not Dwayne Dibbley!
[Fade]
[Fade in to Duo and Lister, still arm-in-arm, parading down the corridor, followed by the skutters, who are doing little dance moves.]
DUO AND LISTER: [/very/ off-key] Mama's in the basement--something something--I'm on the pavement--yeah!! the pavement! I'm drunk!--thinkin 'bout the gov-ment, yeah yeah yeah yeah!! Waaaaaagh! Slash and burn! Return! Listen to yourself turn! It's the end of the world as we know it!! And I feel FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(*Note: The first few lines they actually sing are from Bob Dylan's "Subterranean Homesick Blues", of which perhaps three people in the world, including Dylan himself, actually know the words. The last few lines are from REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)", the lyrics to which are not even recognisable by the band. -A.N.)
[They are interrupted by the sound of a door slamming.]
LISTER: Think we should go check it out?
[Duo nods. They both waddle down the hall to investigate. The skutters hide behind a vending machine. Lister and Duo get into SWAT team pose, Duo in front. He eases open the door...]
DUO: K'SAMAAAAA!!!
[Duo's nose begins to spurt blood. Lister's eyes get big and swirly and his jaw drops to the floor. Quatre sticks his head outside.]
QUATRE: Do you mind? [slams the door]
[Lister helps Duo stagger off down the hall]
DUO: [holding his nose] I think...it's safe to say...that it at least got Quatre.... [whimpers]
[camera watches them disappear down the hall, then switches to--]
The Lounge
[Kryten sits on the edge of the table, doing his James Dean impression again. Wufei sits on one side of the couch, holding a teddy bear in his arms, snuggled up next to Heero. Heero is in the middle of the couch, sprawled and occasionally patting Wufei's hair. Rimmer is standing in tough-guy pose in the centre of the room. Cat is on the other end of the couch, mumbling under his breath.]
CAT: Dwayne Dibley...Dwayne Dibley....
RIMMER: What we have to do is determine where Quatre and Trowa have got to--you did say Quatre was with you when it got you, right Kryters?
KRYTEN: That's right, I heard him scream, that's when it got me.
RIMMER: Then we can only assume he's been contaminated. Next we have to figure out where Skipper and Duo are. Those poor blokes are so intoxicated they won't be much good to us, I'm afraid.
[At this moment, the door opens and the aforementioned Lister and Duo stumble into the room. Duo, still dazed, all but falls into a chair.]
HEERO: Duooooo!!!!!! [jumps off the couch, displacing Wufei, and throws his arms around Duo, kissing him firmly. Duo pushes him away, looking--well, okay, terrified.]
DUO: Not now, I can't deal with it. I'll be right back. [Vanishes into the kitchen]
[Heero pouts, and sits back down. Wufei starts clinging to him again.]
CAT: Dwayne Dibley...Dwayne Dibley...
RIMMER: What happened to him?
LISTER: We found Quatre and Trowa, that's all. He's still recovering. [Everyone looks confused.]
DUO: [from offstage] AAAAAUUUGH!!!! NOT AGAIN!! DIIIIIEEE!!! [sound of gunshots being fired.]
[Lister tries to vault the table to get to the kitchen, but is too drunk, and knocks it over. Rimmer and Kryten would have been ahead of him, but the table crashes into them and knocks them down. Heero, Cat and Wufei don't even try to get off the couch. Lister finally drags himself to the kitchen door.]
[Cut to kitchen. Duo sprawls on the floor by the fridge. The fridge door is open, and his body is surrounded by two dozen lager cans. He moans. Lister tries to help him up.]
LISTER: Are you all right?
DUO: [despondantly] As much as anything's ever all right...
LISTER: Um...
[But realisation hits too late. *Glomp!* The Sludge-monster (tm) attacks! Lister falls down next to Duo. Duo sits there and stares, shaking his head sadly.]
A short time later....
[The lounge. Everyone has paid a little visit to the costume mistress since we last looked in on them. Heero is still the centre figure on the couch; he's still in the Spandex and green tank top but has accessorised with strings of daisy chains around his neck and in his hair. He's weaving flowers together while Wufei looks on. Wufei cuddles up next to Heero, clad in pale blue footie pajamas and snuggling up to a plush chibi Shenlong Gundam. Duo looks like Duo with the addition of a black beret and a long cigarette--he's sitting at the table with yet another open beer, scribbling frantically onto a napkin. Lister has donned a tuxedo and pulled his hair back. Currently he's picking up the mess that he made earlier, stowing the beer cans in the trash bin. The Cat is in an outfit the Salvation Army would have discarded: a pea-green anorak, plaid shirt with a butterfly collar, and khaki trousers at least four inches too short. Kryten, in a black leather jacket and studded motorcycle hat, leans over Duo to see what he's writing. There is no sign of Rimmer, Quatre or Trowa.]
TBC. Eventually.
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