Hi, this is Easier Rhino, and I'll be guiding you through this exiting new feature. Just a few opening remarks while the credits roll. I visited CultOfNobody a while ago on a whim because hey, I like cults, and found it not terribly amusing and mostly rehashed garbage. I felt it my duty, as a good Discordian and even better rant-itioner (like the word? I made it up) to provide them with a little scintillating fare from my ever-present repository of rant. I did it and left, never looking back. Then it came to my attention that I'd been mentioned by them on their front page. I was flattered, needless to say, even though... well, let's let them speak for themselves.
IF AN UPDATE FELL ON THIS SITE...
CoNtributed by: Nobody @ 11:01 AM
Well, what an original name. I lied when I said I'd let them speak for themselves. A complete and total lie. But this name... my goodness, they'd never let him in the church. That's a lousy holy name; some chap by the name of Ullyses already did it several thousand years ago. Oh well, it does go on to greater heights.
Would anybody read it?
Hmm, perhaps not, but then I can't tell. If you're reading this, then they must be wrong.
I received an e-mail from Doc a few minutes ago about some mouth-breathing lame-ass cluttering up our guestbook.
Well, this just sets the tone, doesn't it. In regards to the charges, I only occasionally breath through my mouth, and my ass is in the finest health, the last time I checked.
This relieved me because it helped move the last mouth-breathing lame-asses guestbook entry closer to the bottom of the guestbook.
So what is it that they want with a guestbook then? Perhaps they should simply sign it themselves and then mark it read-only? Oh, and something I just noticed but which is a pet peeve of mine: no apostrophe on the possessive! It keeps on throughout the post! How hard is it? I mean, really!
After reviewing the new mouth-breathing lame-asses entry into the guestbook I could see that I was wrong about a new entry being a good thing since the new mouth-breathing lame-ass signing our guestbook brought being a mouth-breathing lame-ass to an entirely lower level.
"[T]o an entirely lower level [emphasis mine]" eh? Lower than what? Now I'll correct their grammar(if you visit the site, you can too. It's fun, and there's so much to be done). "to an entirely new level" perhaps, or "to a lower level" but to an entirely lower level? Hmmm?
Honestly, I didn't think such a feat was possible.
Hey, it's okay. I didn't believe that anyone would take the time to visit my site, but obviously they have lots of time, if nothing else.
So now twice in one day I've been wrong.
Only twice? I'm sure you can do better.
Mark your calendars lame-asses and lame-assets. That doesn't happen often. In fact I don't think it's ever happened before.
That was the flattering part. Nothing bolsters my ego like being told I've done something impossible or unique. Other than that though, their grandmothers bake bagels in Hell.
Anyway, here's my response to Doc's e-mail. Those of you that have missed my smart-ass will probably enjoy it.
Those of us who missed your smart-ass? To miss something, it would have had to be present in the first place.
Those of you that haven't probably have sites hosted on geoshitties using colors that would make a blind persons eyes hurt.
I fully agree on the Geocities thing, but "geoshitties"? Come now, that's a cliché and a half. I've NEVER heard that before. Geocities does suck, but hey, its my dime, and I, unlike these people, chose not to spend it on my pointless waste of time. On the colors front, however, I must disagree. I chose the colors to be eye-catching, not readable. If you can read this, increase your screen resolution and decrease your font size until you can't. There, isn't that better?
1.) It's a Geoshitties site. The guy probably gets fewer hits than the fat chick with buck teeth at the senior prom.
What, you mean buck teeth no longer connote virility and sexuality? Damn! But I don't get hits, nor do I care, because I, unlike some people whose website is named CultOfNobody, don't need a massive ego trip to go on living. Oh, and I feel I have to mention that "the fat chick with buck teeth at the senior prom" gets hit on. She'd only get hits if the theme of the prom was "A Bunch of Stoned High-Schoolers Pass a Bong Around." But then again, perhaps that's what the CultOfNobody prom would be like. Sounds like LOADS of fun to me.
2.) How the hell did you read that? I had to cut and paste it to notepad because the mouth-breather is obviously color blind on top of having a mental deficit approaching negative numbers.
Again, and I'll speak slowly this time so as not to upset the dazzling intellects of those who think deficits measured in NEGATIVE numbers are bad things (and if you are one of those, consider: a deficit is a negative number, so if I had a mental deficit, that would be how much below par my IQ is. A negative deficit is a negative negative, and thus I would have an asset in the mental arena) HIGH... CONTRAST... COLORS... ARE... EASIER... TO... READ!
3.) Did I mention it's a Geoshitties site?
No, I must have missed the first few times because I was distracted by the dazzlingly original and interesting and eyecatching color-scheme on their website.
4.) He probably likes the new Metallica. Need I say anymore?
I need to make two comments here. Firstly, "[n]eed I say anymore?" Well, you can say "anymore" but if you want to say "any more" you should put a space in there somewhere. "Need I say more," is a much better way of phrasing this. Second, Metallica? That's the best they can do? They could have insulted my lineage or my ethics, but my musical taste? I'm quaking in my boots.
5.) One last thing. Just look who he's hosted by.
Um... duh boss, I dunno, is it Tripod? Um... howzabout duh homestead. Duh boss, I know you said this before... Dat's a tough question boss duh.
Oh, and the reason I didn't link this lame-ass on the front page is because I don't even hate you people enough to put you through the pain and suffering brought on by viewing something that awful.
And apparently they don't think their readers have enough intelligence to find my post on their own. But hey, I don't need the publicity because as I said before, I don't need ego stroking. It does bring me a little joy to know that the site has brought pain and suffering to someone, however brief.
In fact I am declaring that this lame-asses site is even worse than this site and this site.
There were some links there, but I didn't care enough to include them. You can look them on up the site if you're so inclined. Suffice to say, whatever they are, I'm much worse than they are because... now keep this under your hat because I don't want anyone finding out... I'm hosted by Geocities.
Something else I never thought possible.
Again, I'm touched to be named the CultOfNobody Lamest-Ass site. I'd like to thank the academy, my parents, and Elvis. I love you all.
There, wasn't that fun! I enjoyed responding to it almost as much as they enjoyed writing it I'm sure. They are, however, nowhere near as amusing in their rejoinders as I am and, I might add, didn't even quote the original message in their reply. So a dumb, insult-filled response to a random collection of rants or a witty, time-consuming response to a dumb, insult filled response to a random collection of rants. You be the judge. Me, I'm praying for the end of the world to come and make the whole thing moot.