THE DRINKING GAME
CHAPTER I
"HOLY SHIT!" And low voice cried out in amazement, "That’s a lot of treasure!" He continued eyeing over the vast sea of gold and silver. His dwarven heart began to race with love and lust.* "I don’t think we brought enough bags, fortunately I had the foresight to bring Buttercup in with us!" He added, patting on the off-white war pony next to him. The other members of the party looked down at the dwarf, especially the Trunk, the troll. "You just lazy. Horse shouldn’t be in… in…" "Cave, Trunk, cave…" A more educated voice added. "Yeah, in cave wit’ us… not… good." "You guys are just jealous because you’re too tall!" He retorted, putting his fists on his hips, "Besides, you never know what could be lurking out there! After all there’s that guy that’s been following us since Norport!" "Oh come on Merrel, don’t you think you’re being too paranoid. There’s a path through the mountains not too far from here. He’s probably just heading to Chadam." "You can never be too paranoid!" A sinister voice spoke up, "That’s why we sent my war wolf to watch him. If his is after us, well then he’s gonna have to deal with Puppy!" The two turned to watch a drow slink out of the shadows. "Sure, but what if he’s just a scout eh? What if there’s another party coming our way. The Black Thorns could be outt there! What’s Puppy gonna do then? Hump their legs off?" Merrel bitched. The drow sneered, something his species had honed to an art long ago, "A lot more then Buttercup that’s for sure Meri!" "Oh yeah Blackie!" The dwarf reached for his axe before getting smacked in the back of his helmet. "Don’t make me hurt you! You too Garren, don’t think just because you’re quick that I can’t catch you!" A female voice shouted. Merrel shock his head in hopes that the world would quit spinning soon, then the two men drooped down just a bit at they turned to their ‘leader’, Gharzia. She was five foot four and two hundred pounds of green muscle. And while as far as orcs go she had a sunny disposition,(she asked questions before killing) she had also been listening to them go at it for the last week and was growing a bit weary of it. "He started it..." Garren muttered under his breath. Gharzia snarled with yellowing tusks before getting caught off guard as the 'tinkling' sound of coins rolled all around them. "What the 'eck?" She paused in mid swing at Gerren, who was paused in mid flinch…. "It's them! I told you we were being followed! I tol-" "Shut the FUCK UP!" Gharzia yelled at the dwarf and a rumbeling sound filled the cavern. "Cave... wall... move... ed!" Trunk cried out, pointing out into the cavern. "Is it possible that we're having an Earth-Shake?" The educated voice asked. "They’res probebly a fault line here… or even an underground stream." And then the gust of wind blasted them all as an unseen force drove pasted them. As they fell to the ground there was a moment of silence followed by a tremendous crunching/snapping sound. Which could only have been compared to breakfast with Merrel earlier, only magnified a hundred fold. "Oh my god! IT ATE BUTTERCUP! You bastard!" He stammered, "You’re gonna pay for that!" The dwarf screamed out into the blackness, and then quickly jumped back as one of Buttercups legs dropped down from above with a bloody splat. "Oh shit…" Above them a huge red dragon chomped down on the last hunks of the war pony and it unfolded its body from all around them. Licking it's chops the creature yawned as huge wings stretched out as far as the cavern could hold. While his tail slithered up from behind them. They were completely surrounded by scales and they knew they were screwed... All in all it felt like realizing you're sharing and elevator with Satan... if they were around in this era... "Akiyo! Get your ass over here!" Gharzia motioned over for the old Asian elf. Who stumbled over the shaking treasures to reach her. "Yes my lady?" "You know about dragons don't you? What can we do to kill this damn thing before it eats us too?" Furrowing his brow he thought about it quickly, "I don't know..." He spouted out bluntly. "WHAT?" "Asian dragons are wise and just in their actions. You're country's dragons are savage cow bitters!" A bit of smugness entered his voice. Gharzia put a stop to that though as she thumped him over the head, "Okay anyone got any ideas people? I'm open to all suggestions! Even yours Trunk!" The guys glanced back and forth at each other only to end up focused on the troll. "Hit it with... fist?" Trunk asked. Gharzia narrowed her eyes, "....ummm... no... I think it's still just waking up, so we've got about a minute! So unless any of you have a better idea it's the old stand-by emergency plan!" "Oh shit no! There's got to be some other way!" The men asked in a panic, "Why don't we try Trunk's plan? "Okay, you go punch it in the nuts, and I'll try the back-up! Akiyo, get the bottles out!" Akiyo nodded nervously and reached into his nap sack, from which he reluctantly produced six bottles of various size and liquid content. "You guys know the drill, they're all magical potions of unknown effects." She said reaching out for a bottle. "Hmm... green’s, my favorite color!" Popping with the cork with a finger she raised it up, "With luck one of these will save our butts! Now any other takers?" The men looked around and nodded, "Why not, the gods have been good to me... plus I've got some extra karma saved up for just such an emergancy!" Akiyo praised. "Sure what the hell! Life's too short to end up dragon dung!" Garren said swiping a slivery concoction. "I just hope it doesn’t have coconut in it…" "Hey, don't say 'short' blackie!" Merrel said looking at the three left, "So... which one are you taking Trunk?" "Trunk taking..." The troll looked over the three, "Trunk taking this one!" He said, reaching out he gently took the blue bottle, in his huge gray hand. Merrel then looked over the two remaining potions, one was fizzy and orange the other a motionless milky substance. "Hmm, Oh what the Hells!" Grabbing both he popped the corks and mixed them together. The others watched as a yellow cloud of gas rose up from the bottle. "Okay... is everyone ready?" Gharzia ask slowly, a slight hint of uncertainty started to haunt her. They all nodded, uncertainty creeping up on them as well as they raised the viols to their lips… Then once Gharzia started they started chugging down their potions as well. And then waited. "Hmmm... Nothing..." Garren stated flatly, "where's the fun in th-" The drow was cut short though as he disappeared in a flash of crimson light and the odd smell of death.** "Oh my god he exploded!" Akiyo screamed, backing into Trunk, "Oops, sorry Trunk... Trunk..." Everyone watched as Truck slowly tipped backwards onto the ground... where upon he shattered like a statue... "...they're poisons..." Akiyo muttered as he grew dizzy, "We're... all going...to... die..." Merrel watched as the monk dropped to the ground, "WE ARE GONNA DIE! AUGHHHH!" "YES, YES YOU ARE MY LITTLE SNACKS!" A voice bellowed high above them, "I REALLY MUST BE THANKING YOU! I WAS STARTING TO GET A MIGHT PECKISH, BUT I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE LEAVING THE CAVE!" "Oh sh*t he’s fully awake now!" Gharzia exclaimed as she watched the dragon rise up from the gold pile, barely keeping her bladder in check! "YESSSS, HOW GOOD OF YOU TO NOTICE." The dragon smiled as he brought his tail up behind them. Then with them totally surrounded he examined them carefully with his huge red eye. "HMM…. NOW BY ANY CHANCE DOES EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHOM TASTES BETTER? IT’S BEEN AGES SINCE I’VE HAD DWARF OR ORC… OR EVEN PONY FOR THAT MATTER…. AH WHAT THE HELL, I’LL JUST START WITH THE APPETIZER!" He noted to himself as he glanced over Merrel for a moment. "I don’t care how freaking big a lizard you are, I will not tolerate size jokes!" Merrel screamed as her felt his rage burning inside... and then he just felt burning... as his body began to emit an intense flame! "MERREL!" Gharzia screamed as she saw him burst into a fireball. "NOOOO!" "OOOO, ARE YOU COOKING YOURSELF FOR ME? HOW SWEET!" The dragon chuckled. "What the Hells... I'm not burning..." Merrel watched as the flame encircling him caused no damage or pain to him. However his clothing and armor weren’t so fortunate as they disintegrated or melted at his feet... "Oh my gods! This is fantastic!" He yelled, "I am a god now! Ha ha!" Turning to the dragons he smiled, "Now let's see what you think of this!" Projecting the flame he channeled a column of fire up and at the red dragon. "This is for Buttercup!" Gharzia watched in amazement as the dragon disappeared behind a wall of fire. The entire cave became illuminated, as the heat grew evermore intense. Even some of the gold began running down the pile in streams of molten metal. "Oh shit!" She muttered as she saw it coming her way. Where she quickly jumped up and rolled over the dragon's motionless tail. Seeking shelter where she could find it. "Ha ha! Burn lizard burn!" Merrel ranted as he continued his assault, "Let's see you get out of this!" "OKAY!" The dragon replied. "Uh oh..." Merrel cringed and stopped his attack and watched as the dragon emerged from the thick clouds of smoke. "IT'S ALWAYS SO FUNNY TO WATCH YOU MORTALS! GET AN OUNCE OF POWER AND IMMEDIATELY YOU PROCLAIM GODHOOD! NOT TO WORRY THOUGH, I CAN HELP YOU WITH THESE DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR! He said politely, and then flicked the dwarf with his taloned finger. Sending him flying back into the cavern. "Ouch...." "NOW WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU YOUNG LADY, ANY FEELINGS OF OVERCOMPENSATION? HMMMM?" He asked, lifting his tail to revile the orc woman curled up in a ball. Gharzia looked up and squealed, "Ummm... Back off! I've got a Magical Sword of Sudden Death!" Gharzia cleared hear throat, Oh gods I hope that sounded tough... "OH DEAR, YOU HAVE THEM TOO... OR AT LEAST... WAY TO MUCH FAITH IN THAT LITTLE TRINKET OF YOURS! FOR YOU SEE I AM A DRAGON, AND AS A GENERAL RULE WE ARE MAGICAL BEINGS AND THEREFORE IMMUNE TO ALL MAGICAL ITEMS... IT'S ALL THIS LOVELY SCALE ARMORING YOU SEE!" The dragon glowed as he rose up and his haunches and bared his belly to her. "NOT EVEN THE MYSTICAL SLASHMASTER+12 COULD DO ANYTHING TO THIS HIED! IT SNAPPED ON IMPACT LIKE A GLORIFIED TOOTHPICK! SO WHY EVEN BOTHER FIGHTING WITH ME MY DEAR? WHY NOT JUST GIVE IN! IT’S SO MUCH MORE REASONABLE! I PROMISE TO MAKE IT QUICK AND SIMI-PAINLESS!" The dragon cocked his head to one side and tried to give his best toothy smile. Gharzia looked up at him and then down to her feet as she thought it over, "Hmmm... Everyone else is dead... and there's really no way I could ever stop you alone... especially since my sword would just break... such a waste really..." She sniffed defeatedly, tossing the blade aside, "Oh what the hell! Come and get me..." Ghazia looked up at dragon as his head and long neck wavered above her. "HOW GRACIOUS OF YOU MY DEAR, IF ONLY ALL MY ‘ADVENTUREROUS MEALS’ WERE LIKE YOU!" He complimented, and then struck with a swift strike of his jaws.
*Fenwick’s Notes: For those of you unfamiliar with the species dwarves have an uncanny appreciation for precious metals. It’s what live for, it’s what they need! They dream about in their short little beds, and what they’re willing to risk life and limb for in adventure. So much so that if a dwarf really want to get other dwarfs libido up they need only were a lot of jewelry. And if you want them to go through the roof: golden lingerie… It get them every time! **Fenwick' s Notes: Garren, as much as Merrel would like to think, is not dead. Instead of exploding as everyone thought, he did in fact get displaced within the folds of time. Unknown to his knowledge he reappeared some seventy years in the past. Where he met up with a woman that looked strikingly familiar, but still unidentifiable. Years later after marriage an several thousand vain attempts at reproduction they ended up adopting one of his wife's sisters kids (she was a bit on the loose side and had a dozen of the little knee bitters). Whom, by a weird coincidence was named Garn (Garren shortened). This kid also had an odd birthmark of two pigs dancing. Something Garren was familiar with because he had one too... in exact detail... Which is when he realized where and when he was, and that he was in fact: His own father! |
