This is the first in what will hopefully be a series of Dark Perk stories. Any FK fan has my permission to use the DP House or mythology in their fiction, though they must get the individual DP’s say-so to use them. And –only- Dark Perk members are allowed to make any major changes in the house or themes. All others must ask permission from the entire DP list, fill out forms in triplicate, and probably deliver 4 gross of French roast blend to our front porch by the close of business Thursday. <g>

I don’t own FK, I’m only borrowing them for a little non-profit fun. After I’m done with them I will stow them safely in the overhead compartment (except for Lacroix, he’s definitely carry-on material <eg>)

Dark Perk Mansion (1/10)

By: Mary Jenkins (3-98)

Mary looked across the car at Renee as her friend burst into a colourful string of curses. "Something wrong Twinner?"

Ren grumbled a bit before answering, "We’re lost. What was that address again?"

Mary looked down at the dark pink paper in her hands, "Um, 1313 Mockingbird Lane." She chewed her lip thoughtfully. "Sounds kinda familiar doesn’t it?"

With a shrug Ren answered, "I don’t know, I sure like the ring of it though." She smiled, "Look! I think that’s our exit!" Somehow Ren managed to keep all four wheels of the dark pink roadster on the ground as she jacked into an almost 90 degree turn, but it was a close call.

"Ack! What are you trying to do Ren? Give me a heart attack?" Mary gasped, clutching at her chest.

"Maybe." Ren dead panned. It took a second, but then both blondes burst out laughing. Who could resist a Lacroix reference?

"Okay, down to business now. The directions say ‘take Poe St. to Goethe Ave., then a right. It’s the corner house.’" Mary read.

Ren carefully followed the instructions. This was her first time in Toronto, Mary’s too, no wonder they’d spent half the day driving around in circles. "Why do you think he left us the house anyway? I mean, why would a rich recluse like Norman Damson leave a group of complete strangers his house?"

Mary heaved a great sigh. "You know I’ve been wondering that too. But Tracy said that she saved Damson’s life when she was still a uniform and he tried to give her a reward then, but she refused."

"Wow! What a great gal!" Ren interrupted with a grin.

"Yeah!" Mary agreed, and for a moment they just reveled in the greatness that was Tracy Vetter. "Anyway, apparently Damson found out about us, the Dark Perks that is."

"How?" Ren turned wide eyes towards the new faction leader, almost squishing a squirrel as she did. Swerving at the last second she spared its furry little hide. She did, however, hit a lawn gnome up on one of their new neighbor’s lawns.

Smiling absently, because she knew Kristen would be happy, any time a gnome died the official Dark Perk bartender threw a party, Mary continued. "I have no idea how he found out about us. But his will specifically said we were to get the house, apparently he knew Tracy wouldn’t take anything herself."

"Makes sense." Ren nodded.

"I guess." Mary shrugged. "Not one to look a gift house in the mouth myself."

"Oh my God!" Ren gasped as she pulled the roadster up on the curb. "Please tell me that’s not it."

"Geez!" Her jaw dropping, Mary looked up at the numbers on the huge gothic house before them. 1313. "No, that’s it." She whispered.

The house was a four-story Victorian Gothic, painted very dark gray with a faded red trim. It squatted like a giant gargoyle at the top of the small hill. A cross between the Psycho and Addams Family’s house the mansion fairly dripped with malevolence. The yard was over grown with thorn bushes and a sinister looking wrought iron fence surrounded it all. The over all effect rose the hairs on the back of both women’s necks.

"Are we actually going to live there?" Ren whispered.

Mary was shaking, "I-I…" Suddenly she smiled. "If it scares us, imagine what it’ll do to the others!"

Ren started. "You like it?"

Mary fairly bounced out of the car, her initial fear gone; she was ready for an adventure. "I –love- it!"

Ren took another look at the house, and felt herself kind of warming up to it too. It was frightfully imposing, but still…it was theirs! "Wait up!"

The two women ran, six hours in a car had turned their legs into spaghetti, so they wobbled slightly as they went up the walk. The house’s porch stood like a giant mouth in the middle of the façade, some bits of Victorian detail hung like fangs from the overhang.

"This place is –really- scary!" Ren gushed, grinning hugely.

"Yeah!" Mary smiled and pulled the old-fashioned door buzzer. A loud gong sounded instead of the usual buzz. Slowly the door creaked open.

"May I help you?" A thin reedy voice inquired.

"Um, I’m Mary Jenkins, this is Renee Miller. We, um, are the new owners?" The list-mommy said. The woman before them was no more than four foot six, but her pink beehive added another foot to her height. She had to be 90 if she was a day. "Are you Mrs. Hitchcock, the housekeeper?"

"Of course I am! Who else would I be then?" Came the cantankerous reply.

"Can we, ah, come in?" Ren asked politely.

"Well, I ain’t gonna leave the new owners out in the cold am I?" The door swung wider to allow the two blondes into the house.

Ren and Mary exchanged a look and entered. If anything the interior was worse than the outside. The lawyer had told them ‘Victorian’ but nowadays when someone says ‘Victorian’ you tend to think eclectic clutter and dried roses, this definitely wasn’t that! There was a –big- difference between ‘Victorian’ (as in the stuff you see in San Francisco) and ‘Victorian Gothic’ (the stuff you see in monster movies.) Everything was dark and imposing, dark oriental rugs, deep wine colored drapings, heavy wooden furniture filled the room. All of the dark woodwork was ornately carved with dragons and demons, and this was only the entryway!

"Ah, Mrs. Hitchcock?" Ren piped up. "What did Mr. Damson do for a living?"

"He was a magician. I was his lovely assistant!" The crone began to cackle. "Back in the twenties he was known as ‘The Great Damned Son,’ how’s that for a title. Eh?"

"Very nice." The two blondes exchanged another look.

Deciding the two younger women didn’t look nearly impressed enough for her to bother with the rest of the story she sent them on their way. "Why don’t you girls go explore the house, while I fix you some supper?"

Since Ren and Mary were dying to do just that they quickly agreed. "Oh, by the way." Ren began. "We’re both vegetarians."

Mrs. Hitchcock just snorted at them. "You’ll eat what I cook!" She snapped and headed for the kitchen.

"Well she’s certainly…uh, colorful." Mary offered once the housekeeper had left.

"I kinda like her." Ren smiled.

"Me too. Must be something wrong with us." Mary grinned, "Let’s go poke around!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

The two blondes began the serious business of exploring the new Dark Perk mansion. Straight off from the entry was a deep rose colored parlor. "You know this guy seems to have liked dark pink almost as much as us." Mary remarked absently.

They poked around there for awhile before moving on. The parlor led into a library, curiously filled with mostly occult themed books. After perusing the vampire section to see if any of the texts mentioned anyone they knew, the two proceeded on to the next room, which appeared to be a lounge.

"Wow! Would you look at that bar!" Ren’s eyes nearly bulged out of her face. A huge mahogany bar stretched along one wall of the room. It gleamed like a jewel in the dim light of a small fireplace.

"Kristen is gonna flip!" Mary gasped. They looked, but failed to find a light switch. They had to explore the room in the near dark. The walls were covered in rich mahogany paneling that matched the wood of the bar, but failed to shine quite so brightly without the layers of wax and polish. "You think there are any secret passages in this place?" She asked suddenly.

"I wouldn’t be surprised." Ren chuckled, "In fact I’d be shocked if there weren’t!"

Laughing to themselves, half out of amusement, half out of nervousness, Ren began snooping through the bar’s large assortment of bottles, while Mary made do with the remaining bits of furniture in the dark room.

"You know, I think this guy has every kind of booze ever made here!" Ren announced.

"Well the ‘Great Damned Son’ can-" Mary broke off with a scream. "Aaack!"

"What?!" Ren nearly leapt over the high bar to her friend’s side.

Mary gave an embarrassed giggle. "Nothing, I-I just thought I saw something. It was nothing though."

"What? A mouse?" Ren asked with a concerned frown, an old place like this might very well be infested with all sorts of vermin.

"No, ah, no. It was sorta pink." Mary whispered guiltily. "But, no, it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Never mind."

Ren didn’t seem too sure, but nodded anyway. "Come on, on to the next room."

Glad her friend had let it go, Mary hurried after her through the large double doors and nearly smashed right into her back just inside the dark room. "Why’d you stop?" She snapped, barely keeping her balance.

"Just look." Ren ordered, her voice reverent.

Mary did just that. "Geez!" The room was huge! It was all pink marble floor and columns. "It’s gotta be a ballroom."

"Yeah, but what are –we- gonna do with it?" Ren asked, though a ballroom was nifty, they’d hardly need it on a regular basis.

"That’s easy. We’ll turn it into a gym." Mary began walking the cool slick floor. "A couple mats, some punching bags, weights." She turned. "We can mount all the weapons on that wall. Build a kick-boxing ring here."

Ren nodded, "Yeah, that’ll be- ACK!" She screamed.

"What?!" Mary was at her side in an instant.

"I saw it!" Ren gasped. That had been no mouse! No wonder Mary had thought she’d imagined it! About six inches high, what looked like a shiny little pink man had run across the corner of the room, just barely in her line of vision.

"You saw it too?" Mary looked both relieved and worried at the same time. "Let’s go ask that Mrs. Hitchcock. Whatever’s going on, I bet she knows!"

With that, the two abandoned their tour and went in search of the ‘lovely-assistant.’

>>>>>>>>>>>>

End part One. Send all comments and pink gargoyles to anteros@juno.com.

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (2/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

"What?!" June yelled. "You mean the whole house is infested with demons?!"

"Well, they’re really more like gremlins." Ren tried to sooth the leather clad Dark Perk Biker.

SC jumped in. "But you and Mary spent last night here with no problem right? I mean they aren’t going to hurt us?" The red head asked, stroking her daschund, Queenie, in a vain attempt to stop to pooch from growling.

Mary entered the room. "No they didn’t hurt us." The list mommy ran her hand through her short blonde hair and tried to think of what to say to ease everyone’s fears. All of the other Dark Perks had arrived this morning, anxious to explore their new headquarters, but had instead been met with the news that the place was –quite- haunted. "It’s like this: Mr. Damson was really big into occult and he filled his house will all sorts of trinkets and charms. He also messed around a lot with them."

"You should see all the books on this stuff in the library!" Ren shot in.

"Yeah, anyway." Mary continued. "The gremlins, demons, whatever, were summoned up a while ago. There are apparently dozens of them. They kinda look like little men wearing unitards that cover them from head to toe. They also have tails, no eyes or anything, just smooth and shiny all over."

"’Cept for the furry ones." Ren added.

"And they’re all pink?" Carly asked, her curiosity was getting the better of her and she wanted to go look for one of these things.

"What exactly do they –do-?" SC asked, nervously tapping her tongue ring against her teeth.

"Well, they’re sort of like fanfic fairies, only not nice. Instead of being helpful and doing chores in the background and stuff, they sort of cause mischief and make messes." Mary nodded, "And yep, all pink."

"Maybe we can kill them all!" Laura pulled out her favorite silver dagger, one of sixteen concealed on her person, and used it to emphasize her point. She was a Nunkies Addict and knew all about the usefulness of a good fanfic fairy, but she didn’t like the sound of these dark pink demons at all!

"No, we can’t." Mary shook her head sadly. "They can’t be killed, actually they seem to like it when you try." Earlier she’d stomped on one under her boot after she’d woke to find it had strewn all of her pink underwear over the chandelier in her bedroom. And though it –had- squished into a satisfying pink smear, ten minutes later it had been fine, and then it had –laughed- at her!

"Can we reason with them?" Kim asked.

"No, they don’t talk, they just mimic occasionally." Mary sighed.

"But on the upside, they don’t really show themselves much." Ren said, trying to look on the bright side. "You’ll usually just see them out of the corner of your eye once in awhile."

"Isn’t there anything we can do?" Eric asked, visions of snares dancing through his head. "Trap ‘em maybe?"

"Well, Mrs. Hitchcock says you can’t trap or kill them, just live with them. But if you keep everything organized they won’t touch it." Ren said.

"That’s why they don’t mess with the library books." Mary explained. "Order keeps them at bay. If everything is ‘in its place’ they’ll leave it alone."

"We do that anyway!" Carly grinned, thinking how her refrigerator was always alphabetized and her sock drawer sorted by color (at least in fanfic) like all good Dark Perks.

"Yeah but, you’ve got to be extra careful about leaving stuff around." Mary warned. "For instance, don’t just leave your keys lying on a table, because they -won’t- be there when you come back."

"My Goodness! Is there anything else we have to worry about? I mean –besides- a house full of demons?" SC griped sarcastically.

"Actually…" Mary began uneasily.

"Oh Goddess, what?" Carly asked, closing her eyes as if she expected to be hit.

"It’s not just the demons, it’s the house too." Mary whispered.

"What do you mean ‘the house’?" Kim demanded, the lawyer in her surging forward.

"See, the house itself is kinda, sorta alive." Mary took a step back, as if she was sure her fellow Dark Perks were going to lynch her for dragging them to this place.

"What are you-Ack!" Kim’s question was cut off by her scream. The wall behind the list-mommy had just started to bleed.

"What the hell?!" Eric shouted.

"Geez." Mary turned and stared wide-eyed at the wall. The blood dripped down from the ceiling and trickled slowly down to the floor, where it just seemed to be reabsorbed.

"That’s kind of kewl!" One of the Dark Perks exclaimed, everyone else just nodded their agreement.

"Mrs. Hitchcock said the house likes to be dramatic. But that it likes us and won’t hurt us." Ren repeated.

"How does she know it likes us?" Eric asked.

"I don’t know, she just said it did." Ren answered back. "It’ll try and scare us, but won’t actually do anything to its owners."

"And all of our names are on the deed." Mary nodded. "Must be part of a spell or curse, ‘never hurt the owner’ or something."

"What about new members?" Shana asked nervously, she was pretty new and not sure if she was on the deed or not.

"As soon as you join you’re on the list, therefore on the deed too." List-mommy Mary assured her.

"What about non-members? If we invite someone over is the house gonna off ‘em?" Kristen asked, it would be a shame if she didn’t get to show off her new bar!

"Well, the lovely-assistant said that guests are fine during the day, but it’s an ‘enter-at-your-own-risk’ thing at nights." Ren told her.

"There might be a way around that though, we’ll have to go through the library a bit." Mary offered.

Slowly the wall stopped bleeding, apparently put off that no one was screaming any longer. Amazingly, the bloodstains disappeared on their own.

"Wow! Will the house clean up after itself?" SC asked, liking the sound of that.

"I guess." Mary grinned, "Explains how Mrs. Hitchcock was able to keep it so clean all by herself. She’s not exactly what I’d call a lean-mean-cleaning machine."

The Dark Perk Thugs just stood there a moment looking at each other. Then Shana piped up. "I need coffee! Anybody else?"

"Yes! Coffee!" A dozen voices shouted back.

From behind the credenza a few high pitched, over-excited voices echoed. "Coffee, coffee, coffee." The Thugs just ignored them.

>>>>>>>>>>>

End part two. Comments are good, I like them a lot, send ‘em all to anteros@juno.com

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (3/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

Things at the Dark Perk Mansion had more or less settled into a reasonable facsimile of normal. The Dark Perks were learning to live with the demons, the house only let the occasional chandelier crash to the floor, and Mrs. Hitchcock had stopped making pot roast every night just to spite the vegetarians.

It was a quiet night about a week after the Thugs had moved in. Eric was busy converting the study into a computer room. Shana was replacing the torn felt on the billiards table with a new deep pink. SC was trying to affix her crossbow to the ballroom/armory wall (because she needed a proper place for it so the demons would stop taking and trying to shoot Queenie with it.)

Generally it was peaceful; none of the other factions had the slightest clue the Dark Perks existed. And no one had made and effort to call any attention to themselves either. It was just a lazy, mellow Wednesday night. Mary, Laura, Carly and Ren sat around the kitchen counter, sipping coffee and listening to the Nightcrawler. Kim was going over some briefs in the parlor and Kristen was with her working on a term paper. Various other Dark Perks lounged about the mansion. Some were pruning the wild overgrown plants in the conservatory, others were exploring some of the 18 bedrooms within the mansion, and still others were poking about in the cluttered attic.

However, June wasn’t in any of these places. She was in the library doing research. Out of everyone in the house it was June, the Dark Perk Biker Thug, who was most annoyed by the demons. They’d stolen her contacts, because she’d left the case on the bathroom counter instead of putting it in its usual place in the medicine case. She’d found one floating in the Koi pond in the conservatory (or rather, she’d –seen- it there shortly before a fish ate it.) The other one had been stuck over the eye of the bust of Beethoven in the music room. They’d smashed her ceramic unicorn into little bits, then glued them back together incorrectly (it now looked like baboon playing the ukulele.) She’d apparently parked her Harley in the wrong spot in the garage, because they’d taken apart the carburetor and left pieces of it all over the house.

To say June was a little miffed would be too kind. To say she was homicidally mad by this point would still be an understatement. She’d spent the last week smashing, squishing, stabbing, and boiling the little gremlins, but to no avail. They just kept coming back! It was time to take drastic measures! Opening up a book titled ‘Demon Conjuring for Dummies.’ June found what she was looking for. "B’adidea." She grinned.

Jumping off the rolling ladder than ran up the high bookcases, June headed for the nearest table and began reading. "Says here ‘B’adidea is the demon in charge of vengeance.’ Well that’s what I need!" June read quickly, sure she’d soon be able to get rid of those pesky pink gremlins once and for all!

>>>>>>>>>>>

Back in the kitchen, the group of Dark Perks who were also fatally addicted to Lacroix cooed and sighed as the show broke for commercials.

"You know, we should build a small shrine here too." Laura sighed, as she sipped her double mocha latte with Mexican cinnamon sprinkles. She missed her chaise at the Jeweled Peach (where she normally spent her nights while in Toronto) but tonight she was at the DP mansion, they simply had better coffee here.

"Yeah, the Vaqueras could have one too." Ren suggested, enjoying a café la orange herself.

"The Ratpack too?" Carly piped up, before downing some cocoa with whipped cream.

Laura tried to keep the sneer off her face. How could anyone like Vachon when Lacroix was around? And how could anyone like Screed, period?! "I suppose."

Mary gulped the last sip of her white raspberry cappuccino. "I guess a small shrine for each won’t hurt. Maybe in that space that used to be a cloak room, under the grand staircase?"

Even though Laura thought Nunkies needed a much bigger space, she agreed. She could always go to the Jewel Peach if she needed to do some heavy duty worshipping.

"What we –should- do is get some really neat stuff for our shrines." Ren said. "Since they’re going to be so small."

"There’s an idea." The wheels in Mary’s head began to turn.

"I bet I can make the Screed shrine the best!" Carly boasted.

"Ha! No way! Vachon’s is gonna be the greatest!" Ren snorted.

"Nunkies!" Laura and Mary shouted, not so much because they had big plans for the shrine, but because the show was back on. "Shhhh!"

>>>>>>>>>

"Eureka!" June shouted and slammed the book down. She pulled out her vamp red lipstick and drew a large circle on the hardwood floor of the library. She was quite annoyed when the floor just absorbed it.

Grumbling under her breath, June plucked a letter opener off the big oak desk as proceeded to carve a circle into the floor, the house would eventually fix that too, but it would take longer.

Pushing her blonde hair out of her eyes, the petite biker re-grabbed the book and began reading the spell. "Do-a-de’er." She began. The circle began to glow red.

"Ah fee mal deer!" June continued the strangely familiar chant and added the dance as the book demand. She put her left leg forward and proceeded to shake it vigorously.

"Rae a droop ah ghoul den son!" She repeated her action with her right leg. The wind seemed to howl outside, thunder crashed, the windows rattled. "Mee a nam eye-" June stopped with a gasp as a seven foot tall bright pink demon appeared within the magic circle.

"Who hath summoned me?" The demon demanded.

"I-I did." June stammered, "I want to get rid..." She trailed off, it seemed B’adidea was just a really big version of the demons already swarming the house, it probably wouldn’t be a very good idea to ask him to wipe out his cousins. "I-I…made a mistake, you can go now."

The demon didn’t seem to like that idea. "You –dare- summon me only to banish me immediately?!" The giant demon somehow managed to sneer at her, despite having no facial features what-so-ever."

"Um, I, er." June faltered.

"Thou shall pay!" B’adidea shouted.

"Oh hell." June whispered and shut her eyes.

More thunder crashed. The lights went out, and somewhere Queenie began to howl.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

"Aaack!" Kristen yelped. "What happened to the lights?" She certainly couldn’t finish her paper on ‘Language Variation’ in the dark, and how was she supposed to find her coffee?!

Kim was just about to answer her that she hadn’t the faintest idea when a loud scream cut through the darkness. Somehow, even though it was pitch black, the two women managed to exchange a look. Both rushed out of the parlor in the direction of the library.

Just as they reached the doors, the power came back on. Most of the Thugs had managed to assemble in the hall after hearing the scream, but no one had dared open the door yet.

"What do you think has happened?" Carly whispered. "Maybe one of the vampires…?"

Mary stepped forward; she was the Godmother of the Dark Perk Mafia after all, and as such it was her duty to go first. Taking a deep breath she swung open the heavy wooden door. Inside the library was completely black.

"Hello? Anybody in there?" Mary called out and made to step in.

"This is ridiculous, it’s probably nothing." Mary insisted with a confidence she didn’t feel. Stepping into the dark room, she felt around the wall until she found the light switch.

Flipping on the lights she revealed to the crowd in the doorway…nothing. The library looked completely normal, at least no stranger than usual. The occult books still lined the walls, the ornately carved desk still squatted against the far wall. The red drapes were pulled over the high stained glass windows, hiding the images of sinners writhing in Dante’s hell. It looked, normal.

"There’s no one here?" Shana asked, she sounded a little disappointed. She was ready for a fight.

"Doesn’t look like it." Mary mumbled. "But who screamed then?"

"And where’s June?" Eric asked. "I thought she was in here."

A couple of Dark Perks affirmed this, it was agreed, June had been in the Library before the power had gone out. So where was she now?

Slowly the Dark Perks filed into the room, not quite sure what they were looking for. But everyone was greatly relieved when they failed to find June’s body behind the desk. "So where –is- she?" Kim asked no one in particular.

"Meow."

"Go away cat, we’re looking for June." Kim snapped at the feline.

"Meow!" The sleek black cat seemed somewhat annoyed.

"Hey! Where’d the cat come from?" SC asked, she’d brought her daschund along, but no one else had brought a pet.

"Meow! Meow!"

"By the Goddess!" Carly slapped her hand over her mouth. "That’s June!" She pointed to the studded leather collar around the feline’s neck.

"What! No, it can’t be!" Kristen shook her head. Just because the DP biker had always worn black leather was no reason to think she could possibly be this cat!

"Meow!" The cat sounded seriously ticked now.

"Wait." Kim decided to play the voice of reason…so she got down on her hands and knees to talk to the cat. "Are you June?"

"Meow!"

"Oh geez!" Mary gasped.

"What happened?" Kim asked the cat.

"Meoooowww!"

"Obviously she can’t answer that!" Eric pointed out.

"Guess not." Kim agreed. "But we’ve got to find out!"

"I know, go get one of the lap tops." Ren said.

"Why? Cats can’t type either." Eric snapped.

"No, but she could hold something in her mouth and peck out the letters." Ren explained.

"You’re right!" Eric went to retrieve his laptop.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Many hours later they found out the whole story.

"So, you conjured up a demon, who then got mad at you and turned you into a cat before going back to where ever it was you summoned him from?" Kristen summed up.

"Meow." June sounded embarrassed.

"Well, I’m sure in one of these books is a way to turn you back." Mary sighed.

"Meow!" June padded back to the laptop and began pecking out. [I like being a cat, I don’t want to change back!]

"Why?" Mary asked, truly bewildered.

[Because I want to!]

"Well alright." Mary frowned, they could always try later if she changed her mind. Plus she didn’t relish the idea of messing around with any of the spells, who knew what might happen next time?! "If that’s what you want June."

"Meow." Somehow she managed to make that noise sound affirmative.

"A Dark Perk cat. Who’d have thought." Mary mumbled to herself and wandered off towards her room. It was late; she’d worry about this tomorrow. The rest of the DP’s also headed off to their respective beds. June curled up in front of the fire in the lounge, purring contentedly.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (4/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

The Dark Perk faction was shaping up quite nicely. Due to the individual Thug’s defense of Tracy on the main list, their new little group was beginning to get noticed. Fiction was starting to be produced on a regular basis, and though DP’s were still considered rather odd group, for the most part, they were well liked.

It was now March, a month after the founding of the Dark Perks. The whole mansion was a flurry of excitement; Tracy was coming over after her shift to teach an Aikido class. It seemed Det. Vetter was most pleased with her new following. They were vicious, ruthless and on occasion they even managed to be perky.

"I can’t believe she’s coming!" Kristen gushed as she walked and gossiped with the list-mommy. The class was of course going to be taught in the ballroom, so after changing into their pink gies, they headed for the grand staircase.

"Me neither! This is going to be so great!" Mary agreed with a grin.

Kristen was just about to respond when the sound of a commotion echoed down the hallway. "What the-?"

Near the second floor landing, between the suit of samurai armor and the stuffed Gila monster, stood a very large, very excited congregation of female Thugs. Kristen and Mary ran down the hall to find out what was up.

"What’s going on?" Mary asked. Suddenly, she was jostled to the front of the crowd and given a clear view of what was causing all of the excitement. Lacroix. Naked. A naked Lacroix!

"Oh-my-God!"

Mary began to hyperventilate. She nearly fainted. Even when she realized it was just a video or something she still had trouble keeping focused. Slowly she tried to regain her composure. "Um, what-, God, how?"

"It’s the mirror! It’s magic!" Laura exclaimed in awe. The group of Thugs watched as Lacroix soaped up his short hair.

"He’s in the shower!" Kristen gasped. "Our mirror is showing what his mirror is reflecting!"

"But how?" Mary asked. "And why now?"

"Well, I walked by and said ‘mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest-‘ you know." Laura told them with a shrug, her eyes never leaving the silver mirror. "But I say that everyday, I don’t know why it worked this time."

"I don’t think Lacroix is the –fairest-, maybe Vachon but…" Kristen shot in.

"Yeah, but Laura thinks –Lacroix- is." Mary pointed out.

"But why’d it work this time?" Laura wanted to know. "Hey! It’s starting to steam up! No fair!"

The mirror didn’t give off any sound, but it was obvious that steam was collecting on the General’s side of the mirror. "Dammit!" Mary cursed. Various Dark Perk Thugs echoed the sentiment.

Laura let off a whimper.

Abruptly the mirror returned to its normal reflective state, and what it reflected were some very disappointed Thugs.

"I think it was just teasing us!" SC accused.

Just then the house settled a bit, sounding very close to a chuckle. Growling under their breaths the Thugs began wandering off, some to their rooms to change into their gies. The one’s who were already in their belted martial arts costumes headed straight down to the ballroom. Laura headed for her shower, her nice cold shower.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

The Aikido class turned out to be a very intense ordeal. Apparently Tracy had had a very rough day at work and was working out some frustration. When the session hit the three-hour point some of the Thugs began to crawl away. Tracy was just too much!

Laura wandered back upstairs to join the vigil in front of the mirror. SC and Kristen decided to go for coffee, despite the fact that the DP kitchen had 8 coffeepots, 3 cappuccino machines, and an old-fashioned percolator just for good measure, sometimes you just need to go to a café.

Ren and Carly went into the Study and to sat down to watch the episode of ‘Friends’ they’d taped earlier. The two Thugs were having a good time. First they made fun of Monica, then they ooed and ahhed over the apartment for a bit. They were just about to start a serious discussion about the merits of Chandler’s rear end, when the TV exploded.

The TV had come with the house, and apparently the house didn’t appreciate sitcoms. The big screen had suddenly cracked and gallons of blood had begun spurting forth. Gallon after gallon until the entire room was covered, as well as the two Thugs.

Ren and Carly screamed.

The house greedily began to absorb the blood, and the TV was fixing itself too. By the time Mary came running in the only things that still looked really bad in the room were the two Thugs, both of whom were still drenched in blood.

"What the heck happened to you two?!" Mary yelped.

"Um, the TV kinda got us." Carly offered. Her usually gorgeous waist length red hair swung snared and matted about her face. She glanced at Ren, who looked back. They burst out laughing.

Mary rolled her eyes. Sometimes this house was more trouble than it was worth! "Go outside and hose yourselves off." She ordered.

"With the garden hose?!" Ren eyes went wide. "Can’t we just go up to our showers?"

"No, you’ll drip blood everywhere, just go out the nearest door and get cleaned up." The list-mommy insisted.

"But why?" Carly moaned.

Mary pointed to the corner where a few of the bolder demons were busily scrawling profanity on the walls with the excess blood. "Because the demons are already getting at it and I don’t want it all over the house before it’s absorbed!"

Mumbling under their breaths about tyrannical list mommies, Ren and Carly headed for the side door.

Mary stood there for a moment, trying to decide if she –really- wanted to go back into the martial arts class or not. She kicked a couple demons into the fireplace as she thought. Her muscles screamed at her just skip the rest of the lesson; her head told her she could use the extra practice. Her stomach then reminded her about the coffee ice cream in the freezer, her stomach won out.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

"Why ‘re we ‘ere ag’n?" Screed whined at his friend. It was barely an hour before dawn, and here they were, lurking around some spooky mansion. Screed was –not- a happy camper.

"Because I want to see what Tracy is up to." Vachon explained patiently.

"I dun’t see wha’ ‘as ya in such a tizzy o’er ol’ Baby Jane, nuthin’ outta the ordinary there." Screed sniffed.

"There’s plenty there! And I’ve been getting the feeling lately that I’m only seeing the tip of the iceberg." Vachon sighed wistfully. Tracy Vetter was intelligent, classy and had this heroic ‘save the world’ streak that was just fascinating. It had been a long time since he felt anything like this and he couldn’t seem to get enough of the blonde detective.

"-‘Ey now! Sum’uns comin’ out!" The carouche whispered. The two vampires ducked behind a couple of bushes.

The two blood drenched Thugs emerged from the house.

"We look like something out of that movie ‘Carrie’!" Ren giggled.

Carly giggled back, "Yeah, but I can’t believe Mary sent us to hose down!"

"Well, she –was- right about the demons. They were putting up some pretty dirty stuff." Ren pointed out.

"Yeah, I didn’t even -recognize- some of those words!" Carly said. She reached under the rhododendron for the garden hose, but instead ended up with her hand on Screed’s boot. "Aaack!"

"What?" Ren looked under the bush and spotted the two sets of feet. "Oh shit! Who’s there?!"

"Tha jig es up then, rioght?" Screed shot Vachon a smirk and stepped out from behind the bush. The Spaniard had no choice but to follow.

"Vachon! Screed! What are you doing in the bushes?" Ren asked, her voice trembling.

"Sorry we scared ya two birds we-" Screed stopped short as he took in the two women before him. "Bloody ‘ell." He whispered.

"You must forgive my friend’s ill manners, we-" Vachon began elegantly enough, but when he too noticed the blood his words came to a strangled stop.

"It’s not what you think, the TV-" Carly started to explain but then stopped, what could she say? ‘The house doesn’t like sitcoms so it doused us with blood?’ Not a good idea, plus it had been decided to keep most of the ‘haunted-house’ business quiet. Carly and Ren exchanged a look. What were they going to tell them? They then looked back at the vampires, but it soon became pretty clear an explanation wasn’t what they wanted.

It wasn’t everyday a vampire came across a pair of beautiful girls covered from head-to-toe in someone else’s blood. Both Screed and Vachon found the idea utterly arousing.

Recognizing Carly as a RatPacker Screed leapt on top of her. They both went down in a tangled heap of limbs. Carly let out a squeal of either delight or outrage (no one could be quite sure which), as Screed licked her face from chin to temple.

Vachon, being much more sophisticated then his friend, merely sallied forth to Ren’s side and looked down at her with his big brown eyes. Ren nearly melted into a puddle of goo right then and there. Vachon leaned down and gently gave her a kiss on the cheek. Opening his mouth wide just before contact, and closing it slowly, he dragged a sizable measure of blood with his lips into his mouth. He began to pull the blonde into his arms.

Ren whimpered. Carly giggled.

The door of the house slammed open. "What the hell is going on out here!" Came an angry shout from the doorway. The fact that Mary is 5’10" slender and blonde came in handy here. From just the silhouette in the door, Vachon at first thought the list-mommy was Tracy.

Thrusting Ren away, Vachon shouted. "It’s not what it looks like, I- we, they…"

Mary took a step out onto the stone steps. "Ren, Carly get back in the house."

Ren, who had landed on her duff after Vachon had pushed her away, was feeling a little miffed at the whole vampire population now, so gladly followed the order. After shooting Vachon a glare, Ren marched up the steps and stood behind Mary.

Carly, who was still underneath Screed lying on the fresh green sod, had no intention of moving anytime soon.

"Carly!" Mary yelled down. "Will you please get in here!" The fact that she sounded more desperate than anything else, caused the petite red-head to glance up at her friends.

"Maybe I don’t want to." Carly offered with a pout.

"Carly! We’re just –marinated- to them!" Ren shot down, emphasizing her statement with a dramatic sweep of her arms.

That thought seemed to hit home, because Carly began to wiggle her way out.

"-Ey now! Stay put perty un." Screed grinned at her.

Sensing that her fellow Thug was about to merrily accept, Mary walked down to Vachon’s side and whispered. "Do something!"

"It’s none of my business." Vachon shrugged.

Getting truly desperate now, Mary resorted to threats. "I’ll tell Tracy!"

That gave Vachon a pause, if Tracy found out he’d almost seduced one of her Dark Perks, Ren was her name, how would she react? He shrugged again. "She’d understand, it’s just instinct, besides I didn’t do it."

"Actually I was thinking that if Screed kills Carly, Tracy will hunt him down and stake him. That would kinda put a wrinkle in things wouldn’t it?" Mary arched an eyebrow.

Vachon’s eyes widened. "She wouldn’t do that." He said, but he didn’t sound so sure. "But I’ll do this for you anyway." He shot Mary a grin and pulled Screed off of his ‘marinated’ Carly.

When her fellow Thugs were safely inside the house Mary pulled closed the door and locked it. "God! That was close!"

Neither of the near-victims looked particularly overjoyed to be saved, but they managed wan smiles before mumbling something about showers and heading upstairs.

Mary sighed and headed to the kitchen for some most deserved mocha latte. When she got there she found June lapping cappuccino foam from her silver cat dish.

"Hey June."

"Meow."

Mary got herself a cup of coffee and peeked apprehensively out the kitchen windows.

"Meow?"

Mary sighed. "It’s nothing, just vampires outside."

"Meow!"

"No, no, don’t worry." Mary got a flash of just how weird this was, talking to a cat about vampires, but just shook her head and continued. June could after all understand her, and in an odd way if you paid attention you could understand her too. "They can’t come in."

"Meoooow?"

"It’s the house, vampires can’t come in unless they’re invited." Mary explained, "And it’s not just a one time thing either, they have to be invited every time they want in, or at least every night. I think they can come and go as much as they want on the same night." She thought about that as she sipped her coffee.

"Meow."

"Yeah, so we’re fine." Mary grinned at the cat. "Goodnight."

"Meooow!"

"Oh, sorry." The list-mommy refilled June’s bowl and patted her on the head. "Night June."

"Meow."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

End Part 4. Send all comments and laminated TV-guides <tm> to anteros@juno.com

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (5/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

Tracy sat with a few of her Thugs around the kitchen counter of Dark Perk Mansion. She had just led them all on a grueling six mile run and they were all replenishing with iced mochas.

"Mmm, coffee, drink of the gods!" Tracy mumbled.

There was a general mumbling of agreement to this, as well as just some panting and wheezing from the less athletic Thugs.

Eventually the conversation turned to the shrines being built under the stairs. A sort of friendly rivalry had broken out among the Thugs. Those who thought Vachon and Tracy were soul mates, against those who considered Lacroix and Det. Vetter the epitome of a cute couple.

"Tracy, what do you think Lacroix anyway?" Kim asked suddenly.

The Blonde Detective seemed to think about that for a moment, then answered, "Well, to tell you the truth, and this is to stay just between us now, no one else can know." Tracy warned and waited for the assembled Thugs to swear themselves to secrecy. "I’ve always kinda had a thing for Lacroix."

"I knew it!" Kim shouted triumphantly. SC and Kristen glared at her.

"Not that I’m going to dump Vachon or anything, and this is –not- to get back to him," Tracy reminded them sternly. "But the Nightcrawler’s got that dark, attractive…something, it’s hard to explain.

"No need to." Laura and Kim sighed.

"I used to listen to his show, before I was partnered with Nick that is," She continued, "Could never listen to his show with –Nick- in the car, always felt like I was watching a dirty movie with my brother or something."

The assembled Thugs nodded, whatever their individual opinions of Lacroix happened to be, all agreed, sometimes his monologues were just…erotic.

SC began to get a little uncomfortable, if they wanted to obsess over god-like men they should be focusing on Vachon! "Um, what do you think we should do for the Vachon shrine?" She asked Kristen.

"I don’t know, um, how about a diorama?" Kristen offered, she hadn’t made one since grade school but, hey, they wanted something unique, right?

"You know what would be great for the Vachon shrine? There’s this thing in the Church, I think it used to be part of the chantry, but it looks like a replica of the place in relief. It’d be perfect! You should go get it!" Tracy grinned, sometimes it was more like she was a member of the Thugs rather than the reason.

"You mean go –take- it?" SC’s eyes went wide.

"Well, it’s just an abandoned Church after all, nobody is going to want a piece of cracked plaster work." Tracy rationalized.

"But, but won’t Vachon get mad?" SC continued, still not quite believing Tracy was telling them to go ransack her boyfriend’s house.

"Don’t worry, if he calls the cops, I’ve got connections, I’ll get you out." Tracy grinned wickedly at them. "Besides, I doubt he’ll do anything, he -is- there illegally himself." She pointed out. That had always been a sore spot with her anyway, it was about time Vachon got a real apartment!

Suddenly Tracy looked down at her watch. "Dammit! I’m late, no way am I going to be able to run back home for a shower before work." Something close to a snarl emitted from the cop.

"Um." Eric piped up. Having made himself conveniently absent when rumors of a run had began, he was back now. "I could give you a ride Trace." He offered shyly.

"Could you? That’d be great!" Tracy hopped off her stool and headed for the garage.

Eric some how kept himself from visibly shaking, images of having the ‘boss’ ride behind him on one of the DP motorcycles was doing strange things to his stomach. He shot a grin at the other Thugs, who just rolled their eyes at him, and then he too headed for the garage.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Later, Kim approached the list-mommy, who had been ‘very, very busy’ when the run had been announced. "Mary? Are you going to help with the Lacroix shrine?"

The Godmother of the Dark Perk Mafia rose slightly red eyes from her copy of ‘Lectures on Philosophical Theology.’ "Kant."

"Can’t? Why the hell not!" Kim snapped.

"No, I said-never mind, bad joke." Mary blushed; embarrassed she would sink so low as to pun. "Yeah, I’ll help. What do you want me to do?"

"I was thinking, maybe we could get some signed Nightcrawer pictures, only we get him to sign ‘To Tracy’?" Kim proposed.

"Oh, she’d just –love- that." An evil grin overtook Mary’s face. "But why do you need my help? Can’t you and Laura handle it on your own?"

"Well Laura’s been a Nunkies Addict so long, she thinks he’ll notice if she asks for yet another still, she already has 15." Kim told her.

"What about you?" Mary asked, eyes narrowed.

"I thought maybe you’d want to get involved. After all, you’ve never actually met Lacroix face to face before have you?" Kim dodged.

"No, not as such." Though the list-mommy had been a member of NA since December, and had been in Toronto for the past month, she had yet to catch even a glimpse of the famed General, well except for that incident with the mirror. She blushed at the memory. "I suppose I can go down to CERK with you, if you want."

Kim grinned, always happy to get her way. "The show starts at 9, so we’ll get there at 8:30 okay?"

Mary nodded, not sure how she’d gotten talked into this mission. She had planned on staying out of the ‘Battle of the Shrines’ entirely. But somehow, probably with her strange lawyer powers, Kim had talked her into hounding a two-thousand year old vampire for his autograph. "Okay, fine." The list-mommy sighed martyr’s style and returned to her book.

>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Else where in the house, Ren and Carly stood at the top of the basement stairs.

"Are you –really- going down there?" Ren asked her friend, eyes wide.

"Of course. I’m a Ratpacker too you know. There could be all sorts of tunnels down there, it’s my duty to find out." Carly proclaimed, though secretly she was scared to death of going into the cellar.

"What do you suppose-?" Ren leaned in slightly, trying to see what evil lurked in the basement. The stairs were configured so you couldn’t see the floor until you were half way down them, meaning the girls had no idea what they were about to get themselves into.

"Wanna come with me?" Carly asked, hope and no small amount of desperation etched on her young face.

Normally Ren was a pretty levelheaded woman, but at the moment her curiosity was getting the better of her. "Well, if you go, I’ll go."

"Okay then." Neither Thug moved.

"You first." Ren said.

"All right." Carly didn’t move.

Ren sighed. "How ‘bout we go together then?"

"Even better." Carly grinned.

Both Thugs took the first step. "So far so good." Ren grinned. "You know, probably the only thing down here is a washer and dryer."

"Yeah, probably." Carly agreed with a nervous smile.

They took a few more steps. As they hit the halfway mark there was a small landing. They paused to take in the view. A furnace against the far wall, a few crates stacked in the corner, it looked like a normal basement, except for one thing.

"Uh, Carly? Did the floor just move?" Ren asked.

"No, don’t be silly!" Carly laughed with false cheer. The floor sure did look strange. For one thing, it was pink, not that that was too odd, especially in –this- house, but it also had a bizarre translucent quality she couldn’t quite place. "No, it was just the fluorescent lighting. It flickered and made it –look- like it moved."

"Oh." Was all Ren said. The pair marched down the rest of the wooden stairs and stood just above the strange-looking floor.

"Well, step on it." Carly said.

"Why don’t you?" Ren shot back, almost certain she’d just seen the ground quiver a bit.

"Look, it’s nothing to worry about. We’ll just step off and go poke through those crates. There’s undoubtedly all sorts of cool stuff in ‘em, and –we’ll- get first dibs ‘cause we found them first." Carly suggested.

Motivated by the promise of treasure the Thugs exchanged a look. "There’s nothing weird about the floor." Ren said, as if saying the words out loud would make it so.

"Nothing at all." Carly agreed. "On the count of three."

Together they counted. "One, Two, Threeeeee—Aaaahhhhhhh!"

As the two Thugs stepped onto the translucent pink floor they were immediately sucked down. It was the consistency of Jell-O. It pulled them down and suspended them beneath the surface. They tried to kick and swim out, but the couldn’t. They tried to scream, but the pink stuff just filled their mouths.

‘This is it, we’re going to die.’ Ren thought. Once as a child at summer camp she’d almost drowned. It was the kind of memory that stuck with you, the desperation, the pain, the burning in your lungs. Suddenly Ren realized she wasn’t feeling any of that. She felt calm, and tired. The pink stuff was warm and comforting. And she didn’t seem to need to breath anymore. With a shrug, Ren closed her eyes and went to sleep. If the pink stuff had transmitted sound, she would have heard Carly already snoring.

>>>>>>>>>>>.

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (6/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

Kristen and SC sat at the bar in the lounge trying to come up with a plan to get the piece of plaster-work Tracy had suggested for their shrine.

SC absently traced the lines of the carved woodwork of the bar. Mrs. Hitchcock had told them the bar had originally been commissioned by a Chicago gangster; he’d asked the artist to carve scenes from hell all over the baseboards, to sort of thumb his nose at all the prohibition types. The artist, however, had apparently been a little unstable and had taken his assignment too seriously. The bar had turned out rather disturbing, hundreds of demons and sinners cavorted about the bar in either ecstasy or agony, in some cases it was hard to tell which. Needless to say the gangster hadn’t wanted it. In fact it was rumored he had had the artist killed, because some of those depicted as writhing in hell were obviously supposed to be the gangster and his friends. Mr. Damson had gotten a real bargain when he’d purchased the thing in ‘37.

"So how are we going to do this?" Kristen asked from behind the bar, busily mixing up another pair of drinks with dark pink umbrellas.

SC sighed, "I don’t know. I’m not sure I even want to, I mean Vachon could –kill- us, but since Trace told us to…"

"We’re kinda stuck." Kristen finished.

Just then Eric wandered in, still slightly buzzed from his ride with Tracy. "Hi guys! What’s up?"

SC looked up at the new comer, taking in his black slacks and collar-less black shirt. Suddenly inspiration struck. "Oh my God! I think I have it!"

"What?" Kristen asked confused.

"A plan, no, –the- plan!" SC announced, "Eric sit down, you’re gonna help us, but first…you’re gonna need a couple a drinks."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Across town Mary and Kim lurked in the shadows outside of CERK. It was cold and windy and Mary was feeling pretty miserable at the moment. Though Kim seemed to be enjoying the weather and was currently trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue.

"Why are we here again?" Mary nearly whimpered.

Kim shot the list mommy a glare, though Mary was sometimes one of the most take-charge people she knew, sometimes the 21-year-old philosophy major just reverted to ‘spoiled four year old mode.’ "Because we’re going to get this picture of Lacroix signed."

Mary sighed, "You mean –I’m- going to."

"Yes, you." Kim patted her on the arm as if to say ‘good girl, you finally figure it out.’

Mary was trying to decide if she was too dignified to toss the shorter women into a snowdrift or not when Kim gasped and pointed.

"Look! There he his!" With a shove Kim propelled Mary straight into Lacroix’s path.

For a moment Mary just stood there, mouth open, eyes slightly glazed.

"Yes? Can I help you?" Lacroix asked.

"Um, can you sign this please?" Mary thrust the photo at him.

Always one to appreciate a fan, Lacroix took the publicity still. He smiled slightly as he noticed the NA pin on her lapel. "And-"

Mary cut him off, "To Tracy, please."

Raising an eyebrow Lacroix asked. "So your name is Tracy then?"

"Uh," Mary’s mind raced, the original plan had been just that. Tell him you’re Tracy, get the picture signed, get the hell out of there. But suddenly Mary realized…that was a stupid plan! Sure Lacroix had never met her before, but it was likely he’d see her again, she was a faction leader now for Pete’s sake! What would happen if he found out she’d lied about her name?

At her lost look, Lacroix gave a cruel chuckle. "Forgot your own name?"

"No, It’s Mary." She snapped back before she thought about it. Her eyes went as wide as saucers. "I-I mean, uh, Tracy is a friend of mine. She’s a fan, so am I. Uh, can I just get that signed, please?"

"Hmm," Lacroix raised an eyebrow at her odd behavior, he decided to play with this young mortal a little. "You sound a bit desperate. Are you begging me?" He chuckled.

Mary, however, didn’t give him the quick denial he was expecting. Too much philosophy has a tendency to do strange things to a person, and Mary had been strange enough to begin with. "What is ‘begging,’ but the imploring of one person to another. You know I want that picture signed, but you think I wouldn’t lower myself to ‘beg’ simply because I resent the word? Why would I do that? Pride after all can be a dangerous thing and-"

Lacroix was quite surprised when what he’d taken as just another young naive fan launched into a speech on the dangers of self. With no small amount of amusement he answered her back.

In the shadows Kim rolled her eyes. Mary had obviously completely forgotten –who- she was talking to. There she stood, on a snowy Toronto street corner in the middle of the night, arguing about ‘free-will’ and ‘self-perception’ with Lucien Lacroix! She allowed her friend a few more minutes then walked around and stood behind Lacroix in Mary’s field of vision.

"But it was Hegel who said-" Mary trailed off, distracted by Kim standing in the distance frantically waving her arms. Suddenly Mary remembered where she was, and more importantly –who- she was with. "Um, oh hell, Geez. I gotta go." She shot a quick smile at Lacroix. "You have a show to do and I-I’ve got, um, somewhere I have to be. Thanks, it’s been fun!" She grabbed his cold hand, shook it and took of down the street as fast as her legs would carry her.

Lacroix stood there a moment, quite puzzled over what had just happened. It wasn’t every day a young woman threw herself in front of him, argued some deep philosophical point, then took off in a hard sprint down the block for no particular reason. "What an odd young woman." He said. Looking down, he noticed he still had the photo. Well, he’d just have to return this wouldn’t he? An almost evil smile curved his lips as he finished his trek to the radio station. This could prove quite amusing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (7/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

Else where in the great city of Toronto: SC, Kristen and Eric were proving the point that DP Thugs could make fools of themselves in a huge variety of ways. As their cab idled, Eric began to rethink their ‘brilliant’ plan.

"Why am I here anyway?" Eric whined, "I don’t have a ‘thing’ for Vachon!"

"You’d rather see Tracy with him than Lacroix, right?" SC said.

"Yeah, I guess." Eric allowed.

"Well then, there you go!" SC grinned in triumph.

The fact that Eric agreed with this logic, was a direct result of the fact that while working out the kinks in their plan, Kristen (The DP Bartender) had worked very hard to prefect a new DP alcoholic beverage, with dark pink umbrellas. Eric and SC had, of course, been more than willing to help her. So it was, after a quick stop at a costume shop, our heroes arrived outside of Vachon’s Church all a little more than slightly tipsy.

"Hopefully he won’t be here at all!" SC said, heading up the stone steps.

"Yeah, he’s probably already at the Raven, we’ll just go in, pick up the relief and go." Kristen agreed following her.

Even though he was ‘feelin’ no pain’ Eric thought that this all sounded a little –too- easy. But since he’d come this far he decided to just go with the flow. "Just remember your parts." He warned.

SC shot him a glare, it had been –her- plan after all. "Of course, you just make sure you do."

They pushed open the thick wooden door of the abandoned church and filed in silently. It was dark, a few candles sputtered in the corner but that was it.

"Hello?" Kristen called out cautiously. "Anyone here?"

With a suddenness that made all three Thugs clutch their hearts, Vachon was beside them. "Hello."

SC, Kristen and Eric all jumped a good five feet in various directions. It was Eric who found his voice first. "Hello, my son."

Vachon just blinked as he took in the trio in his home. A priest and two nuns! "Good evening Father, Sisters. What…can I do for you?"

The Thugs exchanged a look; it’d worked! He actually thought they were clergy!

"Um, sorry to bother you my child." SC began, suddenly realizing that more than just scrubbing the make-up off her face, she should have removed her tongue ring, her speech was a little odd as she tried to hide the silver stud as she spoke. "Father Eric, Sister Kristen and myself used to have a congregation here many, many years ago."

It occurred to Kristen then, that they we’re all a bit young to pull of this ‘many, many years ago’ line, especially as she herself was only 20, why hadn’t they thought of that before? That was the last time she mixed vodka, with…well whatever had been in that label-less pink bottle. "Anyway," She shot in quickly, hoping to distract Vachon from that point. "We were wondering if we could just have a quick looksie around the old pl-place, okay?" Her voice getting higher and higher as she spoke.

As Kristen was about three seconds away from hysterics, Eric took Vachon by the arm and led him away. Using his most soothing, fatherly voice he asked, "Do you live here my son? Perhaps after the sisters have had a quick look around," He shot the female Thugs a look that said ‘get going’ and continued, "After they have had their curiosity sated, perhaps you would like to come with us back to the new church? It’s not much, but we could give you a hot meal and a warm bed."

There was still enough of the good Catholic boy in Vachon to stop him from taking any action against a kindly priest and a pair of nuns. (Unbeknownst to him; that had been –exactly- what SC had counted on.) At a loss as to what to do, Vachon watched as the ‘nuns’ wandered upstairs. What else could he do? He shook his head slightly, completely dumfound. Eventually he managed to mutter. "Um, no, that’s all right. You folks just go ahead."

When Eric gave him a benevolent smile and patted Vachon on the arm saying, "Such a good lad." Vachon found he suddenly needed to sit down.

Eric began to look around downstairs as the girls searched the next level. They really should have asked Tracy exactly where the relief was!

Upstairs, SC and Kristen were swaying slightly as if in the breeze as they stared wide-eyed at Vachon’s bed. "Oh-my-God!"

"It’s like the Grand Canyon, or the Mona Lisa, just kinda fills you with awe doesn’t it?" Kristen mumbled.

SC nodded. "Hey, look! There it is!" She pointed at the bit of carved plasterwork leaning against the wall in the corner. Scooping it up, she managed to stuff it into the harness she’d rigged under her habit.

Not wanting to leave without a ‘holy relic’ of her own, Kristen rifled through Vachon’s underwear drawer and dragged out a particularly skimpy pair of black shorts. "Come to mama." She whispered and stuffed them down the front of her tunic. "Let’s get out of here."

Downstairs, Screed wandered over and sat down next to his Spanish friend. "Ya know sump’thin V-man? I’s think there’s sump’thin a migh’ odd abou’ these nunly-godly-types."

Vachon watched as Eric crossed himself and peeked into the confessional. "You mean how their blood all smells of coffee?" Everyone’s blood had a smell, unique to them. Though each of these persons of the cloth had a different blood scent, all also had the undertone of coffee to them. "You know how much of the stuff a person would have to drink to affect them like that?"

"Yeah, but I weren’t talkin’ ‘bou’ tha’." The carouche told him. "I wuz under thos’ stairs o’vr there en I watched tha girlie-nuns walkin’ up ‘em."

"You looked up the nun’s skirts?!" Vachon was horrified.

"That’s jus’ it, I’m thinkin’ theys ain’t really no nuns. All them underthin’s er pink en fooffy like. Ya know all Frechy-froggy fancy?"

"Pink?" Vachon blinked.

"Pink en lacey, all girly-like, fancier tha’ ev’n Ursula wears." Screed nodded.

Just then the two ‘nuns’ came back down.

"Father Eric, we’re ready to go when you are." SC called out, not quite able to keep the grin off her face.

"All right, let us take our leave then." Eric smiled, "Are you sure you don’t want to accompany us my son?"

The two vampires eyed the trio suspiciously.

"No, that’s all right." Vachon had decided he didn’t have enough to act on yet, how did he know what kind of underwear the average nun wore anyway, at least in this century?

When Kristen noticed Screed sitting beside Vachon, a nervous giggle escaped her lips. She started to sweat. One vampire had been bad enough, now there were two! God what would happen if he caught her with his shorts down her bra?!

SC noticed Kristen was about to lose it, she made her way towards the door, trying to manage a saintly smile despite the fact that with every step the relief banged against her thighs. "Well then, we’ll leave you boys to…whatever it was you were doing, and take our leave."

"Yeah, uh, Good night, God bless." Kristen tried not to run to the door, but still was the first one there. She jerked it open and hurled herself outside, greedily taking in huge gulps of cool night air.

Eric and SC managed to appear a little less desperate in their departures, but not by much. Once outside, our trio jumped into the waiting cab and sped off.

"I can’t believe that worked!" SC grinned hugely.

"Yeah, but next time we run into Vachon you think he won’t recognize us?" Kristen pointed out.

Eric pulled off his collar and cursed. "Dammit, you’re right!"

The trio exchanged a look.

"Well, for tonight anyway, we got away with it!" SC said.

"Yeah!" Eric and Kristen grinned; they’d worry about the consequences later.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (8/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

Mary was busily sticking teeth back into a skull from the library, someone had knocked if off the shelf and dislodged some molars, when the front door gonged.

Her fingers gooey with model glue with a few teeth hanging off her hands Mary shouted, "Can you get that please Mrs. Hitchcock?"

"Ya can get it yourself!" Came a cantankerous reply.

Mumbling under her breath about ‘good help’ the list-mommy wiped her hands off on a pink rag; they were still sticky, but at least the teeth were off. "Fine I’ll get it, geez, where is everybody anyway?" She knew Kristen, SC and Eric had left with some ‘brilliant plan,’ but had failed to tell anybody what that entailed. No one could find Ren or Carly anywhere either.

The gong sounded again. "I’m coming, I’m coming! Keep your shirt on!" Mary mumbled some more, it was becoming a bad habit. She knew Laura, Kim, and Shana were in the house –somewhere-. "But apparently not close enough to answer the damn door!"

Yanking open the thick, intricately carved front door, Mary was just about to snap they didn’t want any God damn Girl Scout cookies* when her mouth went dry and her eyes went wide. Lucien Lacroix! Lacroix on her doorstep! What the-?! Mary did the first thing her shock-numbed brain suggested…she slammed the door shut.

About three seconds past before it occurred to her that that probably hadn’t been the smartest thing she’d ever done. Slowly she opened door again, yep, he was still there.

"Um, sorry. Frightfully drafty these old houses." Mary said with a forced smile.

"Indeed." Lacroix cocked an eyebrow at her.

Mary was at a loss, what the hell was she supposed to do? He couldn’t come in unless he was invited, but by the same ticket did she really want him to –know- that? Should she ask him in? No, that would be stupid! But what-? He was waiting for her to say something…"Um, uh…How did you find me?" ‘Oh god, just brilliant Mary!’ She silently chided herself.

Lacroix looked vaguely amused. "I have my ways." In fact it had been her NA pin that had given her away, he had simply asked the nearest Addict who this ‘Mary-person’ was and had quickly been given all relevant information (well, after the poor Addict had come out of her swoon that is.)

"Oh?" Mary tried to sound calm, though panic was starting to make her brain freeze up. All the pesky gray matter seemed to want to suggest involved hiding under her bed until this was all over. Sure she found Lacroix terribly attractive but she was a faction leader now, she had to think of the lives of other Thugs, she couldn’t just let a –vampire- in the house! He was staring at her…what if he tried to ‘whammy’ her? Wait, no, she was a faction leader therefore a resistor, that’s how it worked, right? God, what the hell was she going to do?

Just then Laura came bounding down the stairs and solved Mary’s immediate dilemma.

"Nunkies! Come in!" Laura grinned and slid across the hardwood floor in her socking feet to bump into the list-mommy, who was still holding the door with a slightly overwhelmed look about her.

"Thank-you Laura." Lacroix stepped over the thresh-hold and gave the Official Dark CERK Perk a benevolent smile.

Laura almost melted into a puddle of dark pink goo right there.

Still a little dazed, Mary held the door a little wider and allowed Lacroix in. As if on cue the other members of the household wandered into the foyer. Kim and Shana came in from the direction of the Billiard room, June padded in from the parlor and even Mrs. Hitchcock made an appearance.

"He’s not another one of those –vegetarians- is he?" The lovely assistant asked suspiciously, a crock-pot balanced on one bony hip. For some reason the elderly housekeeper had an odd animosity towards all herbivores, it didn’t help that almost half of the DP’s were of that persuasion.

Strangled giggles escaped from the various Thugs.

"No, Mrs. Hitchcock, he is –not- a vegetarian." Mary managed to choke out.

"Well then, good. I’ll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me." The lovely assistant left, swinging her 90-year-old hip slightly, apparently for the benefit of their handsome visitor.

Shana giggled. "I think she likes you! She usually isn’t so civil at all!" She told the ancient vampire with a grin.

"What are you doing here Lacroix?" Mary asked, cringing at how rude she sounded. "Not that you aren’t welcome, it’s just…"

She had nothing to worry about though, Lacroix seemed to be in very good humor, this might have had something to do with the fact that four lovely girls of another faction were fawning over him nearly as much as one of his own. "You forgot this at our last meeting." With a flourish he presented her with the photo.

Mary accepted it with trembling hands, it said, ‘To Tracy, with much curiosity, Lucien Lacroix,’ his home phone number was scrawled beneath his signature. The list-mommy almost gave in and melted into a puddle of her own, as it was she needed to lean against the banister for support. "Ah, thank-you." She said, staring intently at the picture despite the fact that the real thing stood right in front of her.

"You’re quite welcome." Came an amused reply.

Kim’s agile mind was going over the implications of Lacroix being the only vampire to ever enter DP Mansion. Surly it had some symbolic significance? The house was, after all, the physical representation of Tracy’s dark side, and now Lacroix was inside! "Would you like a tour Lacroix?" She asked suddenly.

Mary’s head snapped up. Lacroix wandering about the mansion? No! Not a good idea! Every fiber of her being screamed at her to stop this horrible thing before it happened, but her mouth wasn't co-operating.

"That would be most diverting." Lacroix smiled at Kim, completely oblivious to the list-mommy’s panic, or, and this was more likely, choosing to ignore it.

Kim tucked her arm in his and led him off towards the parlor.

Not to be left out, Laura attached herself to his other arm. A disappointed Shana trailed behind, cursing herself for not being quick enough.

Mary’s mind tumbled over itself, going in twelve directions all at once. Flopping herself down on the stairs, Mary dropped her head into her hands. So far the house was behaving, and the demons were no where to be seen. They’d actually had guests over at the house before, at least during the day, and the house had kept quite. Apparently it only played up for its residents, keeping its true nature a secret from outsiders. But that was during the day, even when only Thugs were in the house it was usually pretty quite during the daylight hours. It was only after the sun set that the truly weird things started up. And it wasn’t until after midnight, the witching hour, that it went from weird to out-and-out surreal chaos.

Mary glanced up at the clock, cursing under her breath when she noticed it was one of several in the house that had 13 numbers on its face. Growling, the list-mommy hurried to catch up with the tour. She was sure Kim and the others wouldn’t let anything slip, but she didn’t want to miss a second with Nunkies either!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

"-And this it the Ballroom." Kim led the master vampire into a room that no longer bore much resemblance to a place for dancing.

"Ah, we kinda redid it." Shana confessed.

"I can see that." Lacroix said wryly, taking in the wall of weaponry. Next he turned and admired the opposite was all decked out with selected armors.

Due to the demons’ propensity to move/destroy items left out of place, things such as night vision goggles, helmets and various other non-weapon items had also been placed up on the pink tack boards in the ballroom.

It was while Lacroix was admiring a dark pink hockey mask, that the house decided it had had enough of minding its manners. With only a slight cracking sound as warning, a loaded crossbow went crashing to the floor, sending its pointy wooden projectile straight towards Lacroix’s back.

"Look out!" Laura shouted, flinging herself at Lacroix. It is a testament to the strength of her addiction that the 5’2" Thug was able to knock the 6’ plus master vampire to the floor. It’s a testament to her intelligence that she managed to position herself on top of his chest when they landed.

Lacroix looked up and saw the deadly arrow buried in the wall right in line with where his heart had been. From there he looked up into the petite Thug’s blue eyes. "I must say my dear, that was well done."

Laura who had been lying on top of him realized she couldn’t think of a good reason to stay there indefinitely, though she –did- try. As she sat up slowly, her position became even less decorous as now she sat astride his waist. As he was making no move to remove her, Laura decided she was just going to stay put. Did she –really- need a reason?

"Laura?" Shana called out.

"Hmm?" Laura never took her eyes off of the man she perched on, a silly grin spread across her face. If Lacroix was rewarding her for her heroics who was she to relinquish her prize?

"Laura, are you going to get off of him?" Shana asked.

Well, now she sort of had too. Laura shot her fellow Thug a nasty glare and dismounted Nunkies. "Yeah, of course. I was just a little dazed, that’s all."

"Uh-huh. Right." Shana grinned.

It was then, with Lacroix still sprawled on the floor and Laura seemingly squatting over him, that Mary chose to rejoin the tour. "What the heck is going on in here? Laura what did you do to him?!" Visions of her Thugs braining the master vampire, tying him up and having their wicked way with him darting through her overworked brain.

"It wasn’t me! The house-" Laura began only to be cut off by Kim.

"What she –means- is one of the crossbows must have been loose over there, it fell and almost killed Nun- ah, Lacroix." Kim corrected.

"Oh." Mary glanced at the clock on the wall, 11:50, ten minutes before all hell broke out. "Okay, just finish the tour, somebody help him up."

Kim, Shana and Laura hurried to do just that.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

End part 8. If you’re wondering, that first scene with me gluing teeth back into a skull really happened. <g> Send all comments and pink crock-pots to anteros@juno.com

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (9/10)

By: Mary Jenkins

As Lacroix was chuckling to himself over the bar, apparently he had known the gangster in question personally, Mary and the other Thugs were starting to get nervous. It was almost midnight and the demons were starting to get active. Every once in awhile one would dart across the floor and someone would punt it into the fireplace, dump it down the laundry shoot, or just hurl it out of the room. So far Lacroix hadn’t caught any of the Thugs doing this, but he’d come close. He’d hear something, spin around and find only -too- bright smiles and overly innocent looks.

If you ever want to get Lacroix’s attention, act like you’re hiding something. The man just wouldn’t leave! Though all the Thugs currently in the house were quite taken with the former General, nothing was cutting through the fog of impending doom. All of the lovely warm fuzziness of Lacroix visit had worn off.

Kim, Laura, Shana and Mary leaned against the paneling as Lacroix began telling how he’d met Don "The Weasel" Finzetti in 1931 and how in a single game of chance he’d won the rights to sell hooch to the whole west side of Chicago. Normally the girls would have been enthralled by this, hey, under normal circumstances Lacroix reading from the phone directory would have held their complete attention, but these were hardly normal circumstances.

As Lacroix leaned down to examine one carved demon that bore an uncanny resemblance to himself, June came padding into the room. Purring, June rubbed the whole length of her new feline physique against the vampire’s leg.

"Hello, who’s this?" With surprising gentleness (apparently he was much more of a cat than dog person) Lacroix scooped June up and sat her down on top of the bar. As he stroked her sleek black coat, June’s purring could be heard through the entire house.

"Um, that’s June. I guess she likes you." Shana told him with a nervous laugh.

June proceeded to roll over and beg to have her belly scratched.

Mary was just about to object; not sure if June was taking advantage of Lacroix or not but still vaguely disturbed by what was going on, when a loud crash came from upstairs. "Dammit! What the hell was that?!"

Mary did a quick mental list of who was in the house, everyone was in the lounge except Mrs. Hitchcock, but she was still in the kitchen. So who or what was upstairs? Deciding this probably couldn’t wait; Mary bolted out of the room without a word.

Not wanting the list mommy to face whatever was upstairs alone Laura started to follow.

"Should we come too?" Asked Shana and Kim in unison.

"No, just keep Lacroix down-uh, entertained okay?" She shot them a look and turned to Lacroix. "Um, you’ll excuse us won’t you?" Not waiting for a reply, she ran after Mary.

Rather amused that Mary had run away again, and now Laura too, Lacroix turned his pale blue eyes on the remaining Thugs.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Mary darted up the stairs with Laura close on her heels.

"What the hell do you think that was?" Laura whispered, unsure if the vampire could still hear them at this distance.

"I have no idea, but it -can’t- be good." Mary shot back.

As the pair hit the second floor landing they stumbled to a halt.

"What the-?" Laura uttered.

The silver mirror was again reflecting something other than those standing before it. The first thing they noticed was that the top and bottom of the mirror were completely black, only a long strip in the middle showed anything. And what it did show was the eyes and nose of someone neither girl recognized.

"Who-?" Mary began, but then the view shifted as the man apparently adjusted the mirror. "It must be a rear view mirror of a car!" Mary declared, rather please with herself for figuring that out.

As the mirror was adjusted, it reflected two very drunken nuns and an equally tipsy priest, all wearing sombreros. Though the mirror transmitted no sound, it was obvious the trio were singing, badly if the cab driver’s cringe was any indication.

"Why, that’s SC, Kristen and Eric! What are they-?" Laura began.

"Doesn’t matter." Mary cut her off, "We came up here for a reason remember?"

Nodding, Laura shot the drunken revelers one last look, then headed off to help search the mansion.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Back on the ground floor, Kim and Shana were trying to get Lacroix out the door without letting him –know- that’s what they were doing. They had managed to get him back in the foyer, but they just couldn’t seem to get him out the door.

"Well, that about does it, you’ve seen everything." Shana grinned at him as she lied through her teeth. He hadn’t even seen the entire ground floor yet, and it was a four-story house!

"Everything worth seeing that is." Kim shot in. "You’re really going to have to come back when everyone else is here. They’re all going to be –so- sorry they missed your visit."

Shana and Kim were beginning to get desperate; it was just a couple minutes before midnight now and they –had- to get Lacroix out of the house! The place was already beginning to gear up for tonight’s unnatural doings. Strange things kept happening. Clock hands spun faster and faster in the wrong direction. Tiny pink hands reached out from under furniture and grabbed at passing dust-bunnies. Drapes and curtains rose and fell on their own accord. So far the house had kept its ‘activities’ out of Lacroix’s line of vision, but just barely, and it was only a matter of time before he saw –something-!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Upstairs Laura and Mary frantically searched the second floor bedrooms.

"Where the hell did that crash come from?!" Mary nearly sobbed with frustration.

"One minutes left!" Laura shot.

"Forget it! We’ve got to get back to Lacroix." Mary threw her hands up in disgust and ran back to the main staircase.

With a Thug on each banister, the Mary and Laura slid down at near record setting speeds to join the party below.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

After visiting church SC, Kristen and Eric had had a celebratory dinner at La Cucaracha (including margaritas,) then the trio had headed straight home. With comic timing that would’ve made Shakespeare weep, they arrive back at the mansion at exactly midnight. Throwing open the front door, they waltzed in at the exact same moment that Mary and Laura came hurtling down the banisters. Just for good measure Mrs. Hitchcock emerged from the kitchen with a big plate of munchies.

As if in slow motion Mary went crashing into the returning Thugs and sent them all sprawling across the black and white checkered floor. Sombreros went flying, Kristen’s habit was jerked up to her chin, luckily for proprieties sake she was now –in- Vachon’s skimpy boxers (which were much less skimpy on her) but still, all of the pink finery Screed had so admired was now displayed. SC’s rosary beads broke, sending dozens of dark pink prayer beads rolling madly about the floor. The ‘Clergy’ was much too drunk to see anything wrong with being on the floor, so they just began to sing again, off-key and very, very loud. "La Cucaracha! La Cucaracha!"

Not to be out done, Laura’s own trajectory led her straight into Mrs. Hitchcock. The lovely assistant had apparently wanted to impress their late night visitor and had prepared one of her favorite dishes, garlic-laden tripe. As Laura crashed into her the plate went flying, raining cow stomach-lining on all.

Shana and Kim stepped forward to help their fellow Thugs up, but went flying on the loose beads. Eric just pointed and laughed loudly.

Confronted with complete and total bedlam Lacroix began backing towards the door. "Perhaps it is time I took my leave."

"La Cucaracha!!! La Cucarachaaaaaa!!! La La lalalalala"

Mary rose to her feet and said, "Oh, if you really must," As if that was the –last- thing she wanted.

"My tripe! You little…Thugs! I was gonna catch myself a man! Dammit!" Mrs. Hitchcock shrieked at them before turning and leaving in the direction of the kitchen.

Too drunk to remember anymore lines Eric, SC, and Kristen just repeated the only one they knew. "La Cucaracha!!! La Cucarachaaaaaa!!! La lalalalalala!!!"

"Yes, I think I’d better." After flicking a piece of tripe off his hand (it left a large red welt where it had landed) Lacroix grabbed Mary’s hand and rose it to his pale lips. Unfortunately, the blonde’s hand was still sticky with glue, and digging through the unused bedrooms had resulted in a liberal coating of dust and spider webs, Lacroix made a disgusted noise, dropped her hand and beat a hasty retreat.

After he’d gone, the Thugs all exchange triumphant grins, well at least the sober ones did.

"La Cucaracha!!! La Cucarachaaaaaa!!! La lalalalalala!!!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

End part 9. Send all comments and dark pink sombreros to anteros@juno.com

See Disclaimers part one.

Dark Perk Mansion (10/10) Epilogue

By: Mary Jenkins

Much later, like the next day, late afternoon, a good number of the Dark Perk Thugs sat around the kitchen counter drinking coffee.

"You know what’s truly scary?" Shana asked.

"Shhh, not so loud! Oh, my poor head!" Kristen whispered.

"Sorry." Shana whispered. "You know what’s truly scary?" She repeated.

"No. What?" Mary asked.

"Everything that happened, everything in the foyer, with the nuns and-" Shana began.

"Yeah, I know, I was there." Mary smiled wryly and took another sip of coffee.

"Well, everything that happened, all that chaos…none of it was caused by the house or demons. It was all just us." Shana whispered.

Mary’s eyes went wide. "Oh my god. You’re right! That really –is- scary!"

"Shh!" Eric warned, cradling his head with one hand and his expresso in the other.

"Sorry." Mary grinned.

"I guess everything is taken care of then." Kim smiled, sipping her latte.

"Well, we still don’t know what made that loud crash up stairs." Laura pointed out.

"I don’t think we’ll ever know." Mary sighed.

"But other than that, everything’s taken care of. The shrines are done, the house is in order, everything is finished." Kim insisted.

"Yeah, I guess…Wait! What about Ren and Carly?! We don’t know what happened to them!" Mary declared.

Just then a scream came echoing up the cellar steps, followed by a string of curses.

"Dammit! What now?" Mary ran down the steps with several Thugs right behind her.

At the base of the stairs she found SC, a basket of dirty socks balanced on her hip.

"SC! Why were you swearing?" Mary demanded.

"Oh, because all that screaming. My poor head!" She whined.

"Okay, why’d you scream then?" Mary clarified.

SC looked up at the list-mommy with tear-filled eyes. "I was looking for the washer and dryer when-"

"They’re in that little room next to the kitchen." Shana shot down the stairs.

"Anyway," SC shot a glare up at Shana. "I was looking for a place to do my laundry when I found them."

"Who?" Mary looked about the basement, taking in the furnace and crates in the corner, looked empty to her.

"Not there! There!" SC grabbed Mary’s head and forced her to look down.

"Oh My God! Ren and Carly!" Mary yelped.

"I just came down and-and there they were!" SC began to cry.

Mary crouched down on the bottom step and poked at the gelatinous floor. Her fingers sank right in. "You think they’re dead?"

"How could anyone survive –that-?" SC sobbed. "They’ve probably been in it for days!"

"They look so…peaceful." Mary whispered. Standing, she turned to the other Thugs, "Go get a couple poles and some rope, we’ll fish them out of there."

Solemnly the Thugs retrieved the items and pulled Carly and Ren out of the pink stuff. However, as soon as their heads were out, their eyes opened and they began coughing up the pink stuff in their lungs.

"Sure took you guys long enough to find us!" Ren said crossly.

"Ren! You’re all right!" Mary flung her arms around her twin. "We thought you were dead!"

"Nah, we were just snoozing." Carly grinned. Her smile faded when she took in the state of her cloths, however. "Ah hell! Would you look at my boots?! They’re completely ruined!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Later, all of the Thugs were back in the kitchen (where the coffee was) and were celebrating Ren and Carly’s continued existence.

The List-mommy sat looking over the assembled Thugs. Ren and Carly, still dripping pink goo, SC, Kristen and Eric were all blurry-eyed and hung over, June was happily purring as she lapped up coffee laden cream, and all the rest were just as they chatting and happily sipping coffee. "You know," Mary smiled, "I think the Dark Perks are pretty great."

"Are you getting all sentimental now?" Laura teased.

"No, of course not!" Mary denied, "Pass the cream and sugar will you?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.