WAR: DPs: More Important Than Coffee?! (1/3)

Place: DP mansion, SUD HQ

Time: early Sunday morning, after the DKC party, The Return of the SUD's, Button Up and Saturday Night Fever!

By: Cousin Mary (Jenkins)

Mary wandered up the stairs of Dark Perk Mansion, ignoring the way the railing grew cold and scaly under her fingertips. Nothing could ruin her good mood now; she'd talked to Lacroix and had survived! (Sometimes you have to be grateful for the little things.)

The DP-godmother reached the door to her bedroom and paused, it wasn't like she was sleepy or anything, maybe she should go bug her friend and long lost twin Ren?

Smiling, thinking of recounting her glorious Lacriox tale (with only a few exaggerations) Mary headed down the hall towards the Dark Pink Ninja's room, right next to the freshly oiled and sharpened iron maiden.

"Ren?" Mary called out softly while knocking on her door, "You asleep?" She paused, What a silly question! It was 4 am! Of course Ren wasn't asleep! "Ren?" She called out louder, no response.

"Hmm," Mary then tried the door. Locked.

Looking around for a moment, Mary walked to a nearby display case of fanged skulls, hit a hidden button and pulled out a couple of lock picks. (There really isn't any point to locking anything up in DP Mansion, every Thug knew where these were and Tracy had taught them all how to use them.)

Humming the 'Battle Hymn of the Republic,' Mary quickly picked the lock and proceeded to merrily invade her friend's privacy.

"Ren?" Mary called again. She glanced at the still made bed, well Ren certainly hadn't been sleeping here. Perusing her friend’s dresser, night stand, and bookcase, Mary found many interesting things: a hacksaw, a well-worn copy of '101 More Things To Do with Arsenic,' even a few pink hand-grenades, but no clue to where Ren might have gone.

Sitting down on her friend's bed Mary racked her brain, or at least as much as she could without using the medieval torture device (one of which the DP had covered by a tarp in corner of the attic) and tried to think of when she'd last seen Ren.

"Friday morning," Mary mused, "In that god-awful 10 mile run." But where had the blonde gone after that? Suddenly Mary's eyes fell onto Ren's vanity, where an innocent looking hair accessory sat. And then, the dignified Thug started screaming.

Though screaming was a common enough occurrence around the Mansion, two Thugs still came running.

"What’s the matter?!" Laura and Carly ran into the pink and gold bedroom, not even blinking at the fact Mary had clearly broken in.

Mary turned bright tear-filled eyes on the Official Dark CERK Perk, "Quick, Laura when was the last time you saw Ren?"

"Um, Friday I think," Laura paused, "We were down by the warehouse district when we left her to go for iced mochas."

"That’s what I thought." Mary whispered.

Carly looked confused, "So? You think she was kidnapped?"

Mary nodded.

"By the N&N Pack? The Vaqueras?" Laura suggested, their usually talkative leader seemed completely shaken, a simple kidnapping wouldn’t do this to her.

"No." Mary answered in a small voice.

"Then who?" Laura demanded, getting impatient.

Mary raised a trembling hand and pointed to the hair accessory on the vanity. "We were by the warehouse, remember."

"By the goddess," Carly’s hands flew up to her mouth, "You think –they- took her?"

"Who?!" Laura demanded.

"The Scrunchie Underdogs!" Mary and Carly answered in unison.

Laura’s eyes went wide. She’d heard about Ren, Mary and Carly’s adventure with that nefarious faction. Imagine: a group of crazed individuals dedicating themselves to the FK scrunchies! "Oh my god! They have Ren?"

"It’d make sense, we were right by their HQ, heck I think Ren even had a scrunchie in her hair that morning!" Mary groaned, it’d been three days! How could she not have noticed her friend’s disappearance?!

Without warning Carol came running into the room, "Mary! Mary! We’ve been attacked!"

"I know, Ren’s been kidnapped," Mary took a bed pillow and tried to smother herself, she didn’t deserve to be the DP’s leader anymore!

"They took Ren too?" Carol asked, shocked.

"Too?" Mary stopped trying to do herself in with goose-down. "What do you mean ‘too’?"

"Someone took all our clothes!" Carol explained less-than-patiently, "Why the heck do you think I’m wearing a barrel?!"

"Where on Earth did you get a barrel?" Carly blinked.

"That doesn’t matter," Carol looked indignant (actually she looked nekkid, her expression was indignant), "What matters is all the 2^nd floor bedrooms were ransacked and the clothes taken!"

"They took –all- the clothes?!" Carly, who hadn’t been to her own chambers in 24 hours, ran from the room, mumbling something like, ‘if they touched my thigh-high platforms I’m gonna rip their lips off and feed ‘em to the bats!’

"When did this happen?" Mary sat up, all business now.

"We’re not sure, but Mrs. Hitchcock said some charity workers came yesterday afternoon," Carol looked confused now, "and ’gave her some beefcake in exchange for a donation’? Does that make any sense?"

Mary frowned, well at least her own 3^rd floor bedroom had gone untouched, god knows she’d have hated to miss the DKC’s party! "So Mrs. Hitchcock gave your clothes away? Sounds like something that old dowager would do."

As Carol ducked out (in search of a more comfortable outfit) Jenn came running in. "Mary, Mary!!!"

Mary shot Laura a long suffering ‘I’m the list-mommy, got to pity me’ look, "Yes? Now what?"

"The kitchen’s been attacked!" Jenn declared, "All the foods gone, there’s buttons everywhere and the ‘fridge is full of Buzz Beer <tm>!"

Mary went for the pillow again, "Urgh!"

Laura took charge, "So who did it?"

"Those freakin’ Addicts, they told Mrs. Hitchcock they were from the ‘NA Good Works Society’." Jenn grimaced, then went into a string of words that helped express her thoughts on –that- matter.

"Did they touch the coffee?" Laura demanded.

"No," Jenn shook her head, "But they took the chocolate!"

Mary came out from under the pillow again, "Okay, Jenn go to the grocery store, take Eric and SC with you. I’ll go down and survey the damage before I go out to look for Ren."

"I’m going with you!" Laura announced.

Mary nodded, "Good, now let’s go see that kitchen."

>>>>>>>>>>>>

They were about halfway down the stairs when Carol reappeared, gone was the barrel and in it’s place (no the DP isn’t a nudist faction!) was a pair of jeans and a "Canonize Juan Valdez!" T-shirt.

"Where’d you get that?" Laura asked, "I thought they took all your clothes."

"We found some." Carol grinned.

"Found?" Mary asked, her mind on how she’d ‘found’ some clothes herself in this war too, hanging in Tracy’s closet.

Carol smiled, pretty sure of what Mary was thinking, "We found a big stash in the secret passageway behind the meat locker." She explained.

"Why were there clothes there?" Laura frowned.

"The demons!" Carol grinned, "It was all the clothes they’ve stolen since we moved in! I never thought I’d be so glad for their sticky little fingers!"

"Well that’s just great!" Mary smiled, glad –something- was working out.

"Actually we found a stash of food too," Carol continued.

"Oh?" Mary raised an eyebrow.

"Well actually it was a big pile of rotten fruit under the kitchen stairs. It’s pretty nasty, full of maggots." Carol told them.

"Eww," Laura and Mary cringed.

"Maggots you say?" Jenn looked thoughtful, "I have an experiment…" She trailed of when she noticed her fellow Thugs expressions, "Well we wouldn’t want then to go to waste would we?!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Finally Mary and her growing entourage reached the kitchen. It was a mess! Dozens of demons were playing frisbee with assorted buttons, the cupboards (but thankfully no longer the Thugs) were bare, and Nora and Shana lay either unconscious or dead by the coffee pots.

"What happened to them?!" Mary shouted.

Nora raised her blue quaffed head (obviously she wasn’t dead) and mumbled, "Decaf, they sent us decaf." The collapsed back to the tiled floor.

"Those &$^*%$ Addicts!" Laura expressed her thoughts on the matter. (And boy is it ever hard to pronounce *%!)

The still conscious Thugs moved from the kitchen’s doorway to retrieve their fallen compatriots, when all of the sudden the demons stopped their games and formed a chorus line.

"What the heck?" Mary mumbled.

Then, joining their high-pitched little voices together, the demons sang out the tune the invading Addicts had taught them (of course by this point they had mutated it quite a bit, after all demons don’t speak English and would never do what their told even if they did.)

Mary spoke for all the Thugs when she said, "Huh?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Continued in More Important Than Coffee?! Part deux

WAR: DPs: More Important Than Coffee?! (2/3)

Place: DP mansion, SUD HQ, and a coffee shop

Time: early Sunday midmorning to afternoon, after the DKC party, The Return of the SUD's, Button Up and Saturday Night Fever!

By: Cousin Mary (Jenkins)

The demons just grinned at them (or rather, they would have if they had any facial features.)

"Enough of this," Laura growled and started stompin’ demons. Mary, Jenn, and Carol quickly joined in and soon a sticky pink film covered the kitchen floor, it’d take the little buggers a couple minutes to regenerate after such a thorough introduction to Mr. Doc Martin!

The Thugs then dragged the their two under-caffeinated friends out towards the Pinkmobile. Carly came outside then too, dragging her feet and lamenting the loss of her black vinyl mini with its pink sequined stripes.

"Carly, Jenn, get Shana and Nora and to Buckstars, quick!" Mary ordered. "Laura, Carol, you’re with me."

Pleased to see their leader taking charge again (and no longer trying to do herself in with throw pillows) the Dark Perks decided to follow Mary’s orders (just this once.)

Just as the Thugs were about to leave they suddenly noticed a sign in their front yard. A sign Mary didn’t remember seeing when she and the others had returned from the DKC’s party late last night. But then again, she –had- been helping carry the partied-out Jenn back inside, it was an easy mistake to make.

"What the-?" Laura mumbled.

The Thugs looked at the medium sized wooden sign that read, "You have done this to us. We will have our revenge!"

"I don’t get it." Carol said.

"What the heck does that mean?" Mary asked. Next the Thugs noticed a few bunny heads lying around the lawn, just a couple, mostly leaning on their sides or upside down, but all pink.

Just then a flurry of bats swept down and grabbed a few more bunny heads, flying off with them a ways before, realizing they weren’t food, dropping them on the adjacent properties.

"Aw heck." Mary sighed, "Like the neighborhood association isn’t ticked enough at us already for that shower of jellO-river of blood fiasco!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Meanwhile: Across town at Scrunchie Underdog HQ:

"No! No! I’ll never turn to the dark side!" Ren yelled. Then realizing she was already –on- the dark side, the dark pink side, clarified, "I’ll never join you Scrunchie wearing villains!"

Goody (Leader of the SUDs) pulled Dr. Scrunchie aside. "This isn’t working. We’ve had her three days already and she hasn’t cracked."

Dr. Scrunchie looked back at their prisoner, they had the Dark Pink Ninja tied down with hundreds of scrunchies, watching a barrage of anti-DP subliminal messages (cleverly disguised as re-runs of Gillian’s Island.) But so far the only reaction Ren had given was to spend several hours screaming, "Build a RAFT you stupid idiots!" Then a whole day recounting why the show would have been –much- better if the Skipper had resorted (ala Donner Party) to cannibalism and eaten his ‘little buddy.’

Goody looked at her fellow Underdog and whispered, "We can’t take much more of this, she –must- be broken!"

"What do you want from me?" Dr. Scrunchie demanded. "Dammit Goody, I’m a doctor not the Grand Inquisitor!"

"Hey!" Ren yelled, "How are you guys doing on that coffee? What kind of a faction are you? Not a coffee pot in the place!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jenn and Carly raced across town in the Pinkmobile, Shana and Nora were still unconscious in the back seat. They needed coffee and they needed it –now-!

"Quick! Pull in there!" Carly grabbed the wheel and forced Jenn to turn into some place called ‘Brewed Awakenings.’

"I thought we were going to Buckstars?" Jenn snapped.

"No time, this place is closer!" Carly insisted. (Plus Mary didn’t get the GSS’s permission for Buckstars <eg>)

As Carly ran to the counter, ordering "8 triple expressos, stat," Jenn set up the IV drip.

After only a few moments the precious liquid was flowing into the prone Thugs.

"It’s so weird," Carly said, "seeing them like this."

Jenn nodded, "Yeah, actually –sleeping-. It’s kind of creepy."

Slowly the two Dark Perks began to stir.

"Oh god, it was just so awful," Shana cried, "The taste, so un-caffeinated."

"You mean decaf?" Carly prompted.

Nora and Shana stiffened, as if Carly had uttered the foulest of expletives.

"Carly, Please." Nora frowned, "There are ladies present!"

"Where?" Jenn asked with a smirk.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Laura, Carol and Mary sped their DP issue Harleys towards the Parade Float Warehouse. They were armed to the teeth. In the mood to kick some scrunchie wearin’ booty! Mad as heck and not going to take it anymore! (You get the idea it’s not a good idea to kidnap a Dark Perk? At least not for any considerable length of time. <g>)

"Here we are." Carol snarled.

"Those jerks are gonna pay!" Mary growled.

Laura didn’t say anything, she just sat on the cold asphalt and put the rocket-launcher together.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Inside the SUD’s HQ~~~~

"Where’s that coffee!" Ren shouted, "You barbarians promised me coffee over two days ago and I want it now!"

"By the Sacred Scunchie of Lambert!" Goody cursed quietly, "Will she never just go to sleep?" So far their captive had been living off the built up caffeine residue in her blood; she had yet to sleep. Of course, she wouldn’t stop yelling either, meaning none of the Underdogs were being allowed to sleep either. And they were –not- use to that! It’s not like a scrunchie was a particularly active FK character, and it’s not like the Underdogs had many enemies yet. (So far only the DP even knew about them!)

"Goody, We must end this soon," Dr. Scrunchie went over to their exhausted leader, "I think the Dark Pink Ninja is beginning to tempt some of our younger members into joining her old faction."

It was true, Goody looked around, noticing how many of their newest members sported dark pink scrunchies. "Ergh! Enough of this!" Goody shouted, walking over to stand before their most dangerous captive. "You have proven yourself too loyal to the evil Dark Perks to be turned."

Ren smirked, "Told ya so!"

"Therefore," Goody continued, "You must be snapped!"

"I already told you," Ren shook her head, "I can’t be broken, I won’t join you."

Goody laughed diabolically, "No, you misunderstand Ninja, we aren’t going to attempt to bring you over to our side any longer."

Dr. Scrunchie steeped forward. "No, you will be terminated, snapped like a bad hair accessory!"

"What?! You can’t do that!" Ren cried, "’Nothing permanent!’ It’s a rule!"

Goody laughed again, "You act like there is someone who will stop us! No one will ever know what happened to the Dark Pink Ninja, all your little DP friends will simply think you, you…"

"Joined the French Foreign Legion!" One Underdog in a black leotard, decorated with countless multi-colored scrunchies offered, holding up the appropriate paperwork to suggest such a story was indeed true.

"Yes!" Goody shouted, eyes wild, "Joined the French Foreign Legion!"

"NO!" Ren cried, "Kill me if you must, but don’t ruin my name by making my friends think I abandoned them to live in the dessert with…dozens of lonely French men…" Ren trailed off, well maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad legacy after all.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Continued in ‘More Important Than Coffee?!’ part 3

WAR: DPs: More Important Than Coffee?! (3/3)

Place: DP mansion, SUD HQ, a coffee shop and another warehouse

Time: early Sunday afternoon to evening, after the DKC party, The Return of the SUD's, Button Up and Saturday Night Fever!

By: Cousin Mary (Jenkins)

Jenn, Nora and Shana sat in the parking lot of Brewed Awakenings sipping even more java. Carly had a hot cocoa, the New Yorker didn’t drink coffee, though she sympathized mightily with her fellow Thugs.

"My question is," Shana began, "If the took our real coffee, what did they do with it?"

"Yeah," Nora concurred, "It’s not like –they- could drink it, it’d probably kill a non-DP."

Just then, by the kind of cosmic coincidence that happens only in fanfic and Shakespearean comedies, the truck driver who had delivered the DP’s coffee pulled into the small coffee shop.

Since the Thugs could smell the minute residue of their –real- coffee still in the back of his truck, they leapt from the Pinkmobile and pulled the surprised driver out from behind the wheel.

"Where is it!" Jenn shouted down at him, (The Thugs having had dumped him onto the ground you see.) Nora and Carly were holding him down while Shana searched the back of the truck.

"Who? What? Where?" The driver looked up at the Thugs with a panicky expression.

Jenn pulled back her arm to backhand the infidel who dared come between the DP and their coffee! But Nora stopped her.

"Jenn! Wait!" Nora shouted.

The Demon Doctor paused, arm still raised to strike. "But-"

"It probably wasn’t his fault." Shana pointed out, but then turned narrowed eyes on the driver, "Of course if we find out you had anything to do with it…-"

"I-I-I," The driver stuttered, "Wh-what do you want with me? All I wanted was a cup of coffee!"

This melted the Thugs little black hearts.

"Aw, poor guy!" Jenn mumbled, helping him to his feet.

Then Shana emerged from the back of the truck, "Look what I found!" She called, holding aloft two large glaring bunny heads.

"Blackguard! Knave!" Carly shouted, pushing the very confused driver back to the ground.

"But-but, I didn’t have anything to do with those!" The driver shouted, "It was those women! They asked for directions but the map had been dipped in something…"

Nora stopped, she’d been about to kick the man in the ribs, "Go on." She ordered.

"Um, after I passed out, I guess they threw me in the back of the truck, ‘cause when I woke up we were in this warehouse, by the docks." The man continued.

"These women," Jenn glared down at him, "What did they look like?"

Though they expected a description of several Addicts (the same ones who’d taken their clothes) they were instead given the descriptions of Ravenettes.

"-Two- attacks!" Carly whispered in awe. "Wow, I guess we’re more popular than we thought."

"Yeah, you guys are a real barrel of laughs." The driver mumbled.

"You –will- show us what warehouse our coffee was taken to." The blue-haired Nora demanded.

"Yeah, whatever you say," The driver nodded, "Can I get some coffee first though?"

"Oh," Carly grinned, "Of course!"

After that the Thugs were all smiles, they helped the driver back to his feet (again) and even bought him a cappuccino.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ren had been strapped to a giant float dedicated to the ‘Barbers of Canada.’ When turned on, the giant scissors would open and shut. And since they were currently closed and Ren was tied to them, when the float was activated the Dark Pink Ninja would be ripped in half, or ‘snapped’ as the Underdogs called it.

"You degenerate scrunchie wearin’ freaks!" Ren shouted down at them, "You’ll never get away with this!" Ren was fighting back tears, she’d always known that someday she would die, but never had she expected to go in such a cartoonish way!

"Bwhahahaha!" Goody and the other Underdogs laughed evilly (but not nearly with as much panache as the Thugs do.) "No one can save you now!"

Just then, Carol, Laura and Mary burst into the warehouse.

"Stop you fanatical fiendish fools!" Mary yelled, "How dare you steal our Ren!" Then, noticing they were about to do a whole heck of a lot worse than kidnapping Ren, the Thugs let out a battle cry and charged into the room.

With the glorious choreography usually reserved for a ‘60’s episode of Batman, the three Thugs took on the warehouse full of scrunchie clad villains.

<BLAM!> Laura kicked SUD #1

<KERPOW!> Carol slammed her fist into SUD #9

<BOOM!> Mary drop kicked SUD #17.5

<PLOP!, PLOP!>

<FIZZ!, FIZZ!>

As her minions were quickly beaten, the arch villain Goody stood in the background. "Curses!" She mumbled, "Well they won’t be able to save their precious Ren in time!"

Cackling, Goody and Dr. Scrunchie hit the ‘On’ button and made their get away.

Ren screamed as the float started up. "OOOHHHH SSS**********************T!!!!"

Stunned by the sheer number of asterisks in that statement, all activity in the warehouse stopped.

"Ren!" Laura shouted, aware that the Dark Pink Ninja (of whom she was the loyal side-kick of) was about to meet a terrible, if slightly amusing, fate, pulled out her handy-dandy rocket launcher.

While Mary and Carol held off the remaining Underdogs, Laura took aim and blew the float to kingdom come!

Ren was launched through the air (flying with –not- the greatest of ease.)

Bits of flaming paper-mache rained down on one and all, and the rest of the Underdogs quickly fled the scene.

"Ren!" The Thugs yelled, as their fellow DP arched through the air, seemingly in slow motion.

"NOOO!" They cried as Ren went crashing to the floor.

Now under normal circumstances, Ren would have probably have been a dark pink pancake. But since she was wrapped in hundreds of industrial strength elastic scrunchies…Ren bounced.

And bounced, and bounced, right out the warehouses conveniently open bay doors. (The Underdogs having opened them as they made their cowardly escape.)

"Follow the bouncing Thug!" Mary yelled.

Jumping on their pink Harleys, Carol, Laura and Mary sped off after their friend. Where she’ll land, nobody knows!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Across town at yet another warehouse, Carly, Jenn, Nora, Shana and a reluctant driver pulled up in his Mack Truck.

"Well there it is." Shana mumbled with trepidation, staring at the dark foreboding structure.

"So how do you know this is the place?" Nora asked the driver.

"Well, I woke up once, while they were messing with my cargo, but then passed out again." The driver shrugged.

"If you knew someone had tampered with our coffee why’d you deliver it anyway?" Jenn demanded.

"I’m already on probation for crashing my last truck into that nudie bar!" The driver declared defensively, "If the boss finds out about this, it’ll be my job!"

The Thugs decided –not- to beat up the driver again, but it was a close one. (Basically they need him to help deliver the –real- coffee, and he couldn’t do that if they broke every bone in his body.)

Slowly the Dark Perks and driver crept into the nearly empty warehouse. They could smell the perfect beans piled in the far corner (at least the Thugs could, the driver, being just a normal person, probably couldn’t.)

"There they are!" Nora cried triumphantly, pointing at the hill of beans.

The Thugs began to run joyously towards it, arms wide open, tears of happiness streaming down their faces.

Suddenly, from out of the darkness came a voice. "Revenge is here....you have used *my* people for your own devices...and you will pay...oh yes...you will pay!"

The Thugs all drew their weapons.

"That sounded like Lacroix!" Carly whispered.

The voice sounded again, but this time a horrible visage came into view. "Revenge is here...." Instead of the glorious Lacroix, the voice was coming from a giant 9ft tall Enercell Bunny! It was pounding it’s drum and coming towards them! "Revenge is here."

The tape was stuck in a loop, but the bunny kept coming towards them. "Revenge is here."

The Thugs opened fire, with handguns, crossbows and even an Uzi. "Revenge isss-"

<rat-a-tat-tat!> <bang> <swoosh (or whatever noise a bolt makes as it flies through the air.)>

The driver, faced with such a scene, turned tail and ran. The Thugs failed to notice.

"Well," Jenn walked over and kicked the dead (and slightly smoking) bunny. "Another one bites the dust."

The Thugs then turned their attention back to more important things, namely the coffee beans.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Epilogue:

Ren eventually stopped bouncing. Well actually, she landed in the large fountain in the middle of Damson Park and her friends were forced to drag a slightly bruised and very wet Ninja out (while small children pelted them with pennies.)

Jenn, Carol, Nora and Carly returned triumphantly to the Mansion with the sacks of beans. Since the truck driver had taken off (they suspected to Mexico), the Thugs had been forced to hire a moving van, a Ryder truck <eg>.

That night the Thugs held a huge party, to celebrate the return of Ren and of their precious beans. Ren was very pleased to notice they listed her first in their reasons for the banquet. A high honor indeed, to be thought more important than coffee by the Dark Perks!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

End.