The Dark Perks Throw a Party (0/13)
By: Cousin Mary

        This is -not- a war story, actually this started to take shape several
months ago when someone started a thread on the DP-L about what fictional
characters they'd invite if the DP were going to have a party. The list
started to get huge as people added to everyone from Vincent from 'Beauty
and the Beast' to Vinny Barborino from 'Welcome Back Kotter.'  And I, in
a fit of madness, decided to take that list and turn it into a story,
this story.  Anyway, it takes place at DP Mansion, but I think it has
something for every FK fan, all the vamps are there and I don't abuse any
of them too bad (though, you must realize that I'm a Dark Perk and
'abuse' is a relative term (eDPg))
        It might be helpful to have read my story 'Dark Perk Mansion' to have a
back-ground in the nuances of the DPs, (certain things about the house in
this story won't make sense unless you've read it.)  You can find that
story archived on my fiction page at
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Hollow/1228/maryfiction.html
        One note, I actually haven't seen all the shows I reference in here
(even I don't watch that much TV!) But I was sent countless descriptions
by different Thugs and am assured I wrote each guest acceptably.
        Well, here goes my disclaimer, I don't own any of the following shows:
Forever Knight, the X-files, Robocop: the Series, Beauty and the Beast,
La Femme Nikita, Saturday Night Live, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xena:
Warrior Princess, Welcome Back Kotter, Highlander: the Series, Touched by
an Angel, Quantum Leap, Dracula: the Series, Hogan's Heros, Zorro,
Hercules: the Legendary Adventures, Poltergeist: the Legacy, Earthworm
Jim, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Looney Toons, South Park, Scooby Doo,
Conan the Barbarian, Fantasy Island, VR5 or Batman.  (Might have been
quicker if I just said I don't own -any- TV shows huh? (eg))
        I also don't own any of the music of Louis Armstrong, NIN or Fabien
(how's that for a combo?)   All Dark Perk Thugs used with permission.
        I made no money writing this.  For fan entertainment purposes only.
Permission to archive at any DP site, www.fkfanfic.com, and my fiction
page, anyone else please ask first.

        Comments, questions and party favors to anteros@juno.com

        Enjoy!

Cousin Mary........<anteros@juno.com>
"The time has come," The Dark Perks said, "To speak of many things,
of shiny guns and duffel bags, haunted mansions and coffee beans.
And why the bunnies are all headless, and whether you take sugar or
cream..."
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Hollow/1228/knightmares.html

Disclaimers and explanations in part 0.  Enjoy!

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (1/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Nick cruised the Caddy slowly up Mockingbird Lane.  He slowed right in
front of a huge gothic monstrosity, number 1313. Even decorated for a
party the place was still menacing: blood red and black streamers
flittered in the wind from the widow's walk, all the balloons were black,
and metallic pink ribbons had been tied around the necks of all the
gargoyles. The whole block pulsated with some dark rock music (something
his partner had once told him was Nine Inch Nails.) Nick shook his head,
he'd never understood this 'modern rock' business, what had ever happened
to the greats  like Fabien?
        Someone had set up two pink spotlights on the overgrown lawn, they raced
around the low hanging clouds like fearsome apparitions.  One of them
looked somewhat familiar  Nick blanched, "The Bat Signal?!"
        The former Crusader's eyes swept over the house again, strange things
seemed to be going on behind every darkened window. And a large variety
of sinister looking characters were streaming in through the fanged
entranceway.    Dark Perk Mansion was just the sort of place cars broke
down around in horror movies.  And his partner was in there.
        Nick glanced back at the doors. Tracy would probably have a fit if he
crashed, but he was a little wary about her being in there by herself,
with those  Thugs.  Just as Nick was debating whether or not to go
through with it, (he knew Tracy really could take care of herself) he
noticed Nat walking up the walk on the arm of someone he didn't recognize
but already didn't like.
        His decision made for him, Nick parked his car, unfortunately, since the
block was already so crowded with the 'invited' guest's cars, Nick ended
up having to park three blocks away and by the time he got back, Nat was
already inside.
        After an impressive string of curses, Det. Knight made his way to the
door.  And was promptly stopped by some blonde who'd decided to act as
bouncer for awhile.
        "I'm sorry Nick, but I don't think you're on the list." Mary grinned
perkily at him and physically tried to shove him back outside.
        Nick's eyebrows disappeared somewhere into his hairline.  "What do you
think you are doing?!"  He demanded, not moving an inch.  He also took
note that while Mary had stopped him, she'd allowed three elegantly
dressed French-speaking vampires to pass right on by.
        Mary suddenly realized her strong arm technique wasn't working too well
on a vampire, "Um, throwing you out?"
        Nick glared down at her, "I <thump, thump> was invited."
        Mary glared back, "No you weren't!  Get out or I'll, I'll-"
        "You'll what?" Nick asked, amused now, despite the fact that he had to
add another resistor to his list.
        "I'll  call the cops!"  Mary gushed, then blushed when she remembered
who she was talking to.
        Nick laughed at her, "Oh you will, will you?"
        Just then, a clank, clank sound came from behind him.  Spinning around,
Nick beheld a man seemingly dressed up like a robot.  Head to toe he was
all light blue metal, only his chin showed.
        "Is there a problem here?"  The man directed his question towards Mary.
        'Strange,' Nick thought, 'even his voice sounds metallic.'  He turned
and again looked at the hostess, Mary had a rather superior smirk on at
the moment.
        "Yes there is Robocop!" Mary's grin went up several watts, "This man was
-not- invited!"
        "I'll take care of it."
        Nick turned back, only to find that the man's entire arm had be replaced
with a huge cannon-like gun!  "Now wait a minute!"  Nick yelped.
        "Mary!!!"
        The three in the doorway turned to find Tracy Vetter glaring at them,
well, more specifically, glaring at Mary.
        "Um, yes?"  The philosophy major looked like a 6-year-old who'd just
been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
        "What were you about to do?"  Tracy asked somewhat patiently, apparently
she was used to such situations around this faction.
        "Nothing," Mary said defensively. "I was just going to watch!"
        Tracy's eyes narrowed dangerously and Nick used this opportunity to
sneak past them and into the house, he still had to find Nat!
>>>>>>>>>>>>
        As Nick darted through the nearest doors, he found himself smack dab in
the middle of a huge game of Twister.  All the furniture had been pushed
into one corner and across the dark rose parlor's floor, about twenty
separate game boards had been laid out, of course, the crowd was all
smushed together in the middle
        The 'players' had apparently been divided into teams, men against women.
 The men were apparently 'skins,' as they were all without shirts.  Nick
counted at least a dozen players, several of whom were vampires, but
everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves  maybe a bit too much.
        "Left foot, blue."  Ordered a lightly accented female voice.
        The crowd undulated as one to the left.  There was a great deal of
giggling before they quieted down enough to hear the next command.
Nick dragged his gaze away from the game and upwards towards the voice.
One of the parlor's wing chairs had been placed atop a table and that's
where the game-mistress sat.
        "Janette?"  Nick mumbled in wonderment.
        The Queen of the vamps looked down from her thrown, "Ah, Nicholah, care
to join the games?"  She smiled saucily, looking resplendent in her off
the shoulder blood red gown and matching tiara.
        Next to her stood the spinning color board, it was being held by a very
buff and oiled up man. 'The Inca,' Nick noted absently, 'I thought he'd
died.'
        Nick next noticed that the only thing keeping the PG-ness of this game
intact was the fact that the Inca was holding the twister spinning board
in front of a certain section of himself, other than that, he appeared to
be completely naked.
        With a dimpled grin, Janette reached for the improperly placed arrow and
spun it again.
        "Left hand red."
        The crowd again shifted, more giggling ensued.
        Nick eyed the crowd carefully and decided he'd better move on, (before
they got to right hand green!)
With a quick bow to the game mistress (one that she failed to notice)
Nick darted out the side door.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Elsewhere in the Mansion, Mary was in nursing her bruised ego.  She'd
just finished receiving a colossal dressing-down from Tracy.  The blonde
took another gulp of her iced-cappuccino.  "I don't see what the big deal
is," she mumbled, "It's not like it would have -killed- him or anything
anyway."
        Just then, the young Thug Anna came in, tugging a man in a suit behind
her.
        "And this is the kitchen," Anna smiled, she loved playing tour guide.
"Would you like a cup of coffee?"
        Mary pulled her cup closer, just an instinct, incase someone tried to
take hers away.
        "Yeah, all right."  The man looked around the black and white kitchen,
his eyes finally landing on Mary.  "Hello, I'm Fox Mulder."
        "Hi Fox," Mary waved slightly, not too interested in talking to anyone
after her lecture.
        "Don't call me that."  Mulder said.
        "Call you what?"  Mary looked confused.  Anna just giggled.
        "Fox."
        "I thought that was your name?"  Mary frowned.
        "It is."
        "Then why-?"
        "Because I don't like it, just call me Mulder."
        Mary rolled her eyes.  "Fine, Mulder."
        Mulder just smiled at her as he poured himself a cup of coffee.
        Now, we've already established that Mary is in none-too-good a mood, she
glared at the man, "Were -you- on the guest list?"
        Mulder pulled his badge, "This says I am."
        Mary glared at Anna, she'd broken one of the Dark Perks' rules, 'no
letting the cops in without a warrant.'
"I'm a special agent working on the X-Files, I study paranormal
phenomenon and other strange occurrences."  Mulder continued. "And you
are?"
        "Mary."  Anna supplied, "She's in charge around here."
        "Oh?"  Fox, I mean Mulder, looked intrigued now.  "I'd like to ask you
about some of the strange things I've seen in this house."
Mary's head snapped up, not liking the idea of the FBI knowing about
their house.  "Strange?  There's nothing strange about this place at all,
really."
        Anna nodded vigorously, "Yeah, perfectly normal all the time."
        Just then, the ghost of Jake Blues (who -had- been invited) swept
through the room and carried Mulder off to the ballroom.
        Mary and Anna exchanged a look.
        "Yeah, perfectly normal."  Mary cracked wryly, going back to her coffee.
        Anna, eyes as wide as saucers nodded, then she took off after her FBI
agent.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        The room Nick next found himself in was the Lounge.  The darkly paneled
room featured a back wall completely dominated by a huge mahogany bar.
There weren't many people in this room, just one couple, plus another man
behind the bar.  None were vampires Nick was pleased to note.
        After searching his perfect memory, Nick identified the women sitting at
the bar, a Dark Perk Thug named Micki.  She was sitting next to someone
whose back was to him, using his vampiric hearing Nick found that the man
was reciting poetry to her, love sonnets. He approached the couple
cautiously.
        "Micki?"  He called.
        The curvaceous brunette put down her dark pink drink and glanced at the
blonde vampire with undisguised annoyance.  "Yes? What?"
        Nick heard a menacing growl.  Glancing at Micki's companion he
discovered he wasn't quite human, looking more like a lion than anything
else. "Um, hello."
        The man/lion growled again.
        "It's okay Vincent, Nick's an old friend."  Micki almost choked saying
that.
        "Uh, thanks," Nick shot the brunette a boyish grin, but she seemed
immune to his charm.  "Um, would you happen to know where Nat is?"
        Micki rolled her green-hazel eyes, "I saw her in here awhile ago, but I
have no idea where she is now."
        Hiding his disappointment, Nick glanced away from the Thug and found
that both Vincent and the gray hared Egyptian behind the bar glaring at
him.  Apparently they weren't pleased that he was interrupting their time
with Micki.
"Um," Nick stammered, "How about the man she was with?  Do you know who
he is?"
        Micki shook her head, "No."
        "Did you happen to catch his name?"  Nick pressed, trying to ignore the
way the bartender was fingering a sword behind the bar.
        "Yeah, it was " Micki began confidently enough, but then looked
confused.  "You know, he told me, but for the life of me I can't remember
now."
        Nick thought about using his powers to 'help' her remember, but after
one more glance at Vincent and the bartender he instead said, "I think
I'll just go and look for them some more myself."
        "Good idea," Vincent growled.
        Nick nodded and headed for the door, he was rather proud of himself for
not running.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 1.  Continued, not surprisingly, in part two. Send comments and
cocktail umbrellas to anteros@juno.com

Usual disclaimers, plus some.  I own none of these people or characters,
'cept that 'Mary' one, her I might <g>

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (2/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Anna chased after Mulder and the ghost, she was pretty sure they were
headed for the stage set up in the ballroom, but she wasn't positive.
After knocking down three party guests (and two more crashers) in a mad
race to keep up with the specter and his hostage, Anna arrived at  the
ballroom.  Looking back over her shoulder, seeing the fallen mortals and
jostled vampires, Anna pointed down the hall and shouted, "She did it!"
before slipping into the room.
        All was dark, then from out of no where, the blue gel lights came on.
On the stage stood: Elwood Blues, the half-transparent ghost of Jake
Blues, Fox Mulder, Captain Joe Reese and DP Thug junior-grade
John-Travis.  All in black suits, black hats, sun glasses and skinny
black ties.  Then the music started.
        Mulder was possessed by 'soul,' like a puppet on strings, he jumped into
the air in his best James Brown.  "Wooooh!"
        John-Travis, flirted with some of the girls in the front rows (including
an uninvited blonde named Buffy) while he borrowed a guitar and began to
wail.
        The Blues Brothers tried their best to keep up.
        The crowd of people pressed towards the stage and screamed their
approval, men waved lighter, women threw their panties, small pink demons
tried to surf the crowd but were trampled into goo for their efforts.
        Surprising everyone, was what a glorious jazz singer Joe Reese proved to
be!  After going through the Blues Brother's classics, Joe pulled a
trumpet and played some mean Louie Armstrong.
        "It was just one of those things. Just one of those crazy things,
        One of those bells, that now and then rings,
        Just one of those things,
        If we thought a bit, 'bout the end of it,
        When we started paintin' the town,
        We would've been aware that out love affair,
        Was too hot, not to cool down,
        So good bye dear, and amen.
        Here's hoping that we meet now and then,
        It was great fun, but it's just one of those things"

        Anna started screaming, she couldn't help it, Reese was just so darn
good!

        Out in the crowd, an impromptu dance floor formed.  Anna was pressed up
against someone tanned guy with a lisp in a way that was probably illegal
in most of the states.  (but this being Canada ) Maya was also doing her
best to break a few commandments with a very nice boy she'd met named Oz.
        After a few more sets, John-Travis leapt into the crowd and dragged
Buffy into the center of the floor.
        On stage the band switched to swing music. Buffy and John-Travis started
to jitterbug.  Anna and her dance instructor quickly joined in.  But Maya
and her partner were no where to be seen.  Some of her friends were going
to go looking for her, but then, well, Reese started singing again and
they couldn't miss that!
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Across the house Nick was still looking for Nat, he pushed his way
through another throng of party-goers into yet another room.  This house
sure was big!
        This room turned out to be the Study.  Nick quickly scanned the room.
Nat wasn't here either, but something caught his interest none the less.
A poker game, and judging from the pile of clothing on the table, they
weren't playing for matchsticks!
        "Knight!"  An almost bare Vachon shouted his name, a look of relief on
his pale face.
        "Defective Knighty!" Screed (who had a necktie and not much else)
grinned, "Do youse wanna join us like? These two birds er beatin' our
pants off, littery like!"  He laughed at his own joke, apparently he
didn't mind much.
        SC (who was currently wearing a very familiar looking leather jacket)
raised one eyebrow at Carly (who had a new cap herself) and together they
turned and smiled at Nick.
        "You can join us," SC began.
        "If you want to." Carly finished.
        Nick glanced around the room, noticing the mirror behind Vachon and the
silver tea set positioned 'just so' behind the carouche.  He gave SC and
Carly a stern look.
        The Thugs blushed.
"I'm not much for card games myself." Nick smiled at the cheatin' Thugs,
"I'm looking for Nat, any of you seen her lately?"
        Everyone shook their heads, nope they hadn't seen the pathologist or her
date.
        "I'll help you look."  Vachon offered hopefully.
        Nick grinned evilly and patted Vachon on the head and said, "Nah, that's
okay.  I'll find her."
        Nick left the Study then, calling out over his shoulder, "You guys have
fun now."
        "We will!" Screed, SC and Carly chorused.  Vachon just sighed and put
down his pair of deuces.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Elsewhere, Lacroix carried his glass of 'wine' towards the Billiard
room.  The music in the Ballroom had been all right, but he was looking
for a more  intimate setting.  Pushing one of the heavy doors open he
discovered there was a string quartet serenading the two Dark Perks
playing.  Laura and Beverly if he wasn't mistaken.  A smile curved the
Roman's lips, 'now this could be interesting.'
        As he entered the room, the two lovely Thugs failed to notice so intent
were they in their game.  The cello player, however, did.  The dark hared
man obviously had a death wish, because as soon as he spotted Lacroix, he
began to play the theme from 'Jaws.'
        Beverly looked up after sinking the 9 ball (corner pocket.)  "Oh!"  She
stood suddenly and straightened her short black dress.  "Lacroix!  Um,
hello."
        Laura's eyes flew from her opponent, to Lacroix, to the cello player and
finally back to Lacroix.  "Ca-care to join us sir?"  She stammered.
        But Lacroix's attention had drifted from the two beauties, he was too
busy glaring at the cello player.
        The rest of the musicians quickly scurried out of the room, but the
bearded man just stood and approached the General, a small smirk on his
lips.  He got to within three feet of the vampire and pulled Beverly and
Laura to his side, one in each arm.  "So, you're Lacroix?"  He asked,
ignoring the way the two blondes tried to wiggle free.  "I've heard about
you."
        "Have you?  I'm flattered." Lacroix's eyes narrowed, he noticed the
women weren't struggling very hard. "And who might you be?"
        Beverly and Laura looked at each other over the rock-hard expanse that
was their captor's chest.  They were in trouble. There was no way these
two alpha males were going to get along.  They should leave right now,
they knew they should.  So why weren't they?
        "Hormones."  Laura mouthed.
        Beverly nodded, then pressed herself against that rock hard chest again.
 Maybe if she wiggled this way she'd get loose?
        "I," The man with the most interestingly facial hair grinned at him, "Am
Aries, God of War."
        "Indeed?"  Lacroix didn't believe him for a second.  He glanced down at
Laura (who wasn't struggling at all anymore.)  "So your faction invites
madmen to their parties?"
        Laura looked up, "Um, no."  She said in a small voice.  Aries pulled her
closer.  Boy he sure smelled good!  "He just kinda snuck in with one of
the bands."
        Aries glanced down at her then, "But he's invited -now-." She added
quickly, she was stuck between a rock and a hard place, or at least a god
that looked like a rock star and one difficult vampire.
        Lacroix suddenly reached out and grabbed Beverly's arm and dragged her
to his side, his eyes said, 'Mine!'
        Aries responded by grabbing her back.  This gave Lacroix a chance to
grab Laura.  This went on for a while.  Each women getting grabbed,
crushed to a chest, then snatched away.  Again and again this happened.
Neither Thug complained.

        After awhile, Lacroix finally yelled, "Enough!"
        Aries grabbed both women again and smiled, "Agreed.  You can leave any
time.  We'll be quite happy alone."
        Lacroix growled, "You are -not- a god!"  With that he leapt for the
other man's throat, both Thugs fell by the wayside as the men began to
fight.
        "Well!" A very disheveled Laura huffed as the vampire and god wrestled
atop the pool table, completely ignoring her.
        "Gee, this isn't turning out to be nearly as much fun as I'd hoped,"
Beverly commented wryly.
        Just then there was a ripping sound as Lacroix's shirt was rent from his
body.
        "Now this has potential," Laura rose an eyebrow and took a seat on the
nearby sofa.
        "Definitely." Beverly agreed.  She pushed some blonde hair out of her
eyes and looked around for her own ringside seat.
        <Rip!>
        "Oh yeah." Laura grinned, her eyes never leaving the men, "Just oodles
of potential."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Maya found herself being dragged down the hall by her red-headed dance
partner.  "Where are we going?"  She called out breathlessly.
        "Just in here."  He grinned back at her, leading her into the butler's
pantry.
        Maya looked at that adorable face for a moment and promptly forgot
everything her mother had ever told her about strange boys and why she
shouldn't go off into dark rooms with them.
        Pulling her into the shadows, Oz kissed her soundly and pulled the door
shut.
        Maya then remembered everything her mother had told her, she helped him
lock the door.
        Unfortunately (but not surprisingly) they were not alone.
        "Hello dearies," Came a voice from the shadows.
        "ACK!" Maya jumped back, and hit the china rack.  There was a crash as
the fine bone china fell to the floor.
        "Ooo, Look at all the pretty sharpy things," The woman scooped up a
particularly nasty looking shard, "May I keep it?"
        Oz looked at her strangely, "Fine, just go okay?"
        The woman looked over at Maya and smiled, "My name is Dru, what's
yours?"
        "Maya, and this is-"
        Drusilla cut her off, "I don't care who he is."
        "Um, okay." Maya was getting the feeling that Dru was a few monkeys
short of a barrel.
        "You're awfully nice," Dru continued to smile at Maya, "Do you have a
mommy?"
        Just then, Maya's jitterbug partner had decided he'd had just about
enough of this. "Look, we kinda wanted to be alone here and-"
        Maya nodded.
But Dru didn't look too impressed.  "Go jump in a lake." She told him.
        Oz promptly took off for parts unknown.
        Maya was now quite certain that she was dealing with a vampire, but at
this point, she didn't much care.  "Hey!  Listen up sister, you can't
just go around telling people's dates to go off like that!  Tracy almost
staked Vachon when he-"
        "Sister?  Do you want to?  Be sisters I mean?"  Dru asked her with
childlike glee.
        A shiver went down Maya's spine, all her inner alarms went off and the
voice in the back of her head started screaming for her to get the heck
outta there!  "Um, what?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 2, continued, surprise, surprise in part 3 <g>
Send all comments and push brooms to anteros@juno.com

Usual disclaimers, no money being made, etc.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (3/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Nick left the little poker game and proceeded down yet another hall.  He
past the Ballroom, but decided it was too packed to even try to squeeze
in. Levitating a bit, he glanced in over the sea of bobbing heads. There
were two men on stage, actually, one was 14 year old Dark Perk John
Travis, who was learning and mimicking some very intricate guitar licks
from a gray hared blues player.
        The crowd was just loving every second of it, especially one particular
blonde girl currently sitting at Thug's feet while he played.
        "Dawson!"  Someone from the crowd shouted.
        The gray hared musician paused mid-chord and looked up.
        "Mac?"
        "Dawson, we need to talk."
        Dawson glanced at his protegee then back at Duncan MacLeod.  "Look Mac,
I'm kinda in the middle of a lesson, can this wait?"
        "No!"  And with that the Highlander dragged his watcher off the stage,
he paused a second, turned back and grabbed John-Travis as well.  "You're
coming too." He grumbled.
        The crowd booed a bit, upset by the fact that their entertainment was
currently being hauled out the back door, but soon another band took the
stage and they calmed down  somewhat.
        The new band was, Nine Inch something or other and began with, "Hello
Dark Perk Mansion!  Are you ready to ROCK!"
        "No!"  The crowd shouted back.
        "No?"
        "NO!"
        The black hared lead singer raised an eyebrow and looked very confused,
"Then what-?"
        Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Don Schanke leapt up on stage.
        "Are you ready to -Polka-?!"  Donut Don shouted.
        The crowd went crazy.
        Turning to his new back-up band, Don signaled for them to play.  And
with a shrug, they did.
        And soon the entire Mansion reverberated with Oom Pah pah.
        Nick shook his head and decided to look for Nat elsewhere.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Nick continued, a little further down the hall from the Ballroom he came
to a small door that apparently led to some storage space beneath the
main staircase.  He was going to pass right by when he detected two
distinct heartbeats within.
        Curious, he pulled the door open.
        "Oh my God!" He mumbled in awe.  There before him were shrines. From the
silk draped marble bust of his master to a red and pink lava lamp
rendition of a certain carouche, almost everyone in his life (and then
some) were represented in some form or other.
        "Quiet!"  Someone whispered.
        Dragging his eyes away from the plaster relief of Vachon's church
(draped in black boxers) Nick saw two people.  One was DP Thug Eric, who
was sitting with his back against what looked like a mushroom topiary of
Sidney.  The other was his fiancie Leah.
        "She's sleeping."  Eric explained quietly.
        Nick glanced down, Leah was indeed curled up in the middle of all the
mini-shrines, a plush Schanke doll cuddled to her chest.
        "Isn't she cute?"  Eric asked, grinning like the love-struck fool he
was.
        "Yeah, adorable." Nick nodded, "Listen, Eric."
        "What?" The Thug answered absently.
        "You haven't by chance seen Nat lately?"
        An evil grin came over Eric's face, "Boy have I ever!"
        Nick didn't like the way he'd said that, he leaned down, grabbed Eric by
the shirt-front and hauled him out into the hall.
        Leah rolled over and mumbled something about soulvaki.
        "Whaf doef that supposoaf to meanf?"  Nick demanded, eyes yellow, fangs
down.
        "Get lost Detective," Eric didn't appreciate this kind of treatment and
would not tolerate it (at least not from people that weren't friends or
family.) "Hey, you weren't on the guest list were you?"
        With a frustrated growl, Nick tossed the obstinate Thug across the hall.
 Lucky for Eric, he landed in a nice soft pile of wookie pelts.
        As he watched the vampire stalk away, Eric's eyes narrowed dangerously.
Rising to his feet, he checked on his lady-love one more time. Satisfied
she was still sleeping soundly, he went off in search of revenge.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        John-Travis didn't know what was going on, but he didn't like it.  Why
was this freakin' Scot dragging him outside when Buffy was -inside-?  He
opened his mouth to express his unhappiness (probably with a lot of 4
letter words too) but was interrupted by Dawson's own griping.
        "All right Mac, we're far enough out now," Dawson dug his heels in and
stopped cold.  "What do you want?"
        "You said we'd be the only four immortals here."  He held up a hand and
counted off, "Richie, Amanda, Connor and me.  No more."
        "That's right." Dawson nodded impatiently, he was more than ready to get
back to his jam session.
        "Well, there's someone else here."  MacLeod glared and gestured over his
shoulder.  "In that maze, I can feel it."
        John-Travis still didn't know what was going on, and he didn't care.
"What does any of this have to do with me?"  He demanded.
        MacLeod jumped when the teen spoke, for a moment he'd forgotten he was
there.  "Darn," He cursed (PG-style <g>) He'd just blurted out the names
of four immortals in front of a complete stranger!  Well, too late to
worry about that now, "You're here," He grabbed John-Travis's arm and
yanked him towards the maze.  "To lead us to him, you're one of the Dark
Perks aren't you?"
        "Well, sorta." John-Travis agreed.  "Anyway, I can lead you through the
maze."
        "Fine, go." MacLeod pushed him towards the entrance.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Back in the Kitchen, Mary was still sipping coffee.  She'd consumed
quite a lot by this point. She hadn't blinked in an half hour and was
beginning to visibly shake. This party hadn't been going too well for her
so far, she'd only got to turn away one person while she'd been playing
bouncer, (some loser named Vinny Barbarino.) Tracy had chewed her out for
threatening her partner and Anna had let the FBI in.  Mary sighed and
poured herself another cup.
        Just then, a very nice looking blonde man came in.  Mary smiled, maybe a
bit too brightly.  "Hello."
        The man turned and smiled back, "Hello luv, I'm looking for someone."
        "Aren't we all?"  Mary decided to try and be clever for awhile.
        The man grinned at her, apparently he liked this game. He scooped up her
hand and kissed it, "The name's Spike. Where have you been all my life?"
        Mary mentally reviewed the guest list.  Spike?  She didn't think so, but
he had an English accent so who the heck cared?  "Sitting here waiting
for you, of course."  She grinned at him, "Good thing you showed up
tonight, after 21 years I was getting a little impatient."
        "This is destiny then," He smiled and sat down next to her.
        "Who were you really looking for?" Mary asked, trying to stop herself
from touching his nifty bleached locks.
        "Doesn't matter," Spike reached forward and cupped her chin, "I've got
you now."
        "Oh."  Was Mary's oh-so-clever reply.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        John-Travis, MacLeod and Dawson navigated the maze.  It had been awhile
since the teen had done this, so they only barely missed the tiger pit
and poison arrow darts, but finally, they reached the center safe and
sound.
        "Kimmer?"  John-Travis called out in surprise as he noticed one of the
newest DP Thugs sitting there quietly on the stone bench.
        The young Thug Kimmer looked up at the new comers and put down her glass
of dark pink punch (the non-spiked variety) to wave. "Oh hi guys. I was
just looking at the statue, great isn't it?"
        MacLeod pushed his way past the others and glared down at her.  "You are
not the one!"
        Kimmer blinked, "Okay, if you say so."  She turned to John-Travis, "Who
are these guys?"
        John-Travis shrugged, "This is Dawson, he's great. I don't know who the
guy in the dress is."
        "It's a kilt!"  MacLeod shouted, frightening the bats out of the DP's
belfry.
        "Whatever." He snapped, then shrugged and headed back to Buffy.  Let
them find their own way out of the maze!
        MacLeod glared at the teen's retreating back for a moment, then turned
back to Kimmer. "Well, if it wasn't you, then ?"  He trailed off.
        Just then, Dawson spoke up, "Uh, Mac?  I think I know who you might have
been sensing."
        The trio looked as one to where Dawson was pointing.  There, in the
exact center of the labyrinth was a bronze statue.  A statue of someone
very familiar to both the immortal and watcher.
        "Methos!"  MacLeod gasped.
        The highlander circled around the statue a few times, proving to himself
that what he was feeling really was coming from the statue.  "But how?"
        Kimmer didn't have a clue to what was going on, but she just figured
that they were like her and had an appreciation great art.  "Great isn't
it?  Shana helped me order it from an antiquities dealer in Florence.
It's supposed to be from the bronze-age!" She grinned. It wasn't every
faction that would nearly bankrupt itself to order a cute statue for the
garden!
        "Is he in there?"  Dawson asked.
        "Someone is." Mac nodded.
        "What are you guys talking about?!" Kimmer demanded.
        The men ignored her, "I'll get a hacksaw."  Dawson said and took off.
        "I'll get a blowtorch."  Mac nodded and headed off in another direction.

        Kimmer's eyes went wide, she gave the statue a considering look.  Could
it be?  Then she shook her head, no.  Even at Dark Perk Mansion nothing
-that- weird could happen.  She scooped up her punch and saluted her
statue before taking another sip. She wasn't worried those two strange
men would harm her bronze-age Methos, they'd gone the wrong way, they'd
be lost for hours.  Maybe days.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Back inside, Eric was huddled over the bar in the lounge talking quietly
to a very strange man.  It'd taken him awhile, but he'd finally found
someone to help him exact his revenge.
        "So you can make him pay?"  Eric asked.
        The man nodded, "Of course, anything for the people who invited me to
such a great party."
        "Nothing permanent," Eric pressed, "Just something to put the fear of
God back in him."
        "Nothing to it!" The man smiled, adjusting his helmet with one hand
while cradling his drink with the other.
        Eric grinned, "Great!  This'll teach Nick not to crash parties!"
        The strange man gulped down the rest of his triple scotch and surged
unsteadily to his feet, "All in a days work for  Joxer the Mighty!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Send all comments and engraved invitations to anteros@juno.com

Usual disclaimer, no money being made, etc.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (4/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Back in the Billiards Room, Laura and Bev were enjoying the floorshow to
end all floorshows.
        "You shall die!"  Lacroix yelled, chucking the cue ball at near
light-speed at the war god's head.
        Aries caught the ball easily and crushed it to dust, "Foolish mortal!"
        "Who are you calling -mortal-?"  Lacroix snarled and dove for him again.
        "Ten bucks on Lacroix." Laura whispered.
        "Canadian?" Bev asked, then shook her head.  "No, no way am I betting
against him, what if he found out?"  She shivered.
        Just then, DP Thug Shana came wandering in.
        Laura and Bev glanced at their friend and motioned for her to take a
seat. It took awhile (they were distracted you see) but they finally
noticed that Shana was not alone.
        "Who's he?"  Laura asked Shana, which was kind of rude considering the
man was standing right there and could hear every word. But there was
just something about Shana's companion, something  unsettling.
        "This is Michael," Shana grinned.  She plopped herself down on the
loveseat and dragged her date to her side.  "He's the Angel of Death."
        Michael blushed, "Well not -the- angel, just -an- angel of death."
        Bev and Laura exchanged a look, given that this was a DP party, chances
were, this guy was for real.  They inched away from him.
        "So, an Angel of Death?"  Laura smiled politely, making small talk.
"How does one get into a job like that?  Career Day in school?"
        Michael, his arm wrapped securely around Shana's waist, opened his mouth
to answer when he was rudely interrupted.
        "You're going to die you blood sucking parasite!" Aries upturned the
Dark Perk's antique billiards table and cracked off a leg.
        "Ha! You're the one who's going to check out early fancy boy!  Who
dresses you anyway?  Hera?"  Lacroix taunted, pulling a scythe off the
wall. (Hey, -you- don't keep them tacked on the wall in -your- house?)
        Shana's date looked annoyed, he stood up and walked between the two men.

        "Get out of here!"  Aries yelled.  "Can't you see we're locked in an
epic battle to the death?!"
        Lacroix just growled and raised his weapon to take them both out.
        Michael simply lifted his hands and touched each man on the forehead.
        There was a flash of light and in the next instance  Lacroix and Aries
lay on the floor  dead.
        "Ack!"  Bev, Laura and Shana all screamed.
        "You killed Lacroix!"  Laura yelled.
        "You Bastard!"  Bev grabbed the fallen scythe and went for him.
        "Wait!"  Shana held up a hand, not to really stop her, just to delay her
so she could clarify something first. "They can't -really- be dead,
right?  I mean, they're immortals."
        Michael nodded, "Yes, they shall recover.  Not that they shouldn't die,
it was their times eons ago."
        "Bite your tongue halo boy." Laura snapped.
        "Michael, um." Shana looked at her date, "I think you'd better leave
now.  I can't really guarantee your safety any longer."  She wasn't too
sure she wanted too either, he'd killed Lacroix!  Her pale little buzzed
love-monkey!
        The angel looked at the three women and knew that his time was up.  "I
shall go to a better place." He said and in a blink he was gone.
        "What a jerk!" Bev growled looking down at the two dead bodies.  She
kicked one.
        "Yeah!  Like there's a 'better place' than a Dark Perk party?!" Laura
laughed.
        Shana nodded absently, then proceeded to help her friends riffle through
the corpses' pockets.  That was the last time she let Max Vanderwal set
her up on a blind date!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Meanwhile in the Conservatory, Jenny was feeding pieces of zombie flesh
to the carnivorous daffodils.  (How's that for fun?)  When she looked up
and saw a very nice looking Scottish man walk in.
        He didn't see her, he just walked over to the small pond and hefted up
his kilt in preparation to do something that probably would be none too
good for the gold fish.
        "Um, hello."  Jenny called out, deciding that embarrassing the Scot for
a moment would be better than flushing fishys all night.
        The man jumped back and let his kilt drop.  "Och lass, I didna see ya
theres."  He blushed, but was very glad to note that from the angle she
was at it would have been impossible for the minor to see anything.  "The
name is Connor, Connor MacLeod."
        Jenny got to her feet, brushed the last bits of zombie flesh from her
fingers and waved.  "Hi, I'm Jenny."
        Suddenly, Connor fell to his knees with a scream of pain. "Aaahh!"
        Jenny ran to his side, "Are you okay?"
        "Um, yes."
        'Strange,' Jenny thought, 'His accent is gone.'
        "Who are you?"  Connor asked.
        Jenny raised an eyebrow, something was definitely wrong here.  "Jenny,"
She said slowly, "and who are you?"
        "Sam, Sam Beckett."  The man rubbed his head.
        "But you just said "
        Sam/Connor's head snapped up, "What'd you say Al?"
        "Al?  My name's Jenny."  The Thug looked around, was he even talking to
her?
        "Oh, Okay," The man looked her straight in the eye, "I am Connor
MacLeod."
        Jenny blinked and nodded slowly.
        "What?" Connor/Sam looked somewhere over her left shoulder, "I -am- not
saying that!"
        Jenny looked behind her, nope no one there.  She looked back at
Sam/Connor/The-guy-in-the-kilt, whatever and waited for him to let her in
on his little joke.
        He sighed, "Fine, I'll say it.  Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod.
There.  Happy?"
        Jenny backed away a bit, "Sure, happy as a clam." She mumbled, she
didn't need this kind of grief, if she wanted to deal with insane weirdos
with hidden swords she could just wait until the next Dark Perk barbecue!

Jenny smiled at Sam/Connor in a non-threatening way, then turned on her
heels and ran out of there as fast as her little legs would carry her!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
        Joxer (the Mighty) left the Lounge and went in search of the party
crasher.  "Imagine, <hiccup> being rude to a great guy like Eric."
        Joxer paused to examine himself in a silver mirror, when what he saw
reflected back was Conan the Barbarian, he blinked.  "Wow, those weights
have really been working."  He flexed for awhile then continued down the
hall.
        He skipped the ballroom, deciding that from what Eric had told him this
'Nick' guy would probably be somewhere quiet and secluded, maybe kicking
puppies.  "He's a blackguard and a churl." Joxer mumbled as he weaved his
way down the hall, "Now, if -I- were a jerk where would I go?"
        He paused and looked around, the Kitchen?  No.  Ballroom.  Yes!  No,
wait, he'd already decide not to look there hadn't he?  "I'm -drunk-!"
He gasped.  His hand flew to his mouth, "Shh, don't tell anyone." He told
himself.
        He looked down the hall and squinted, "Can't let Gabby know I can't hold
my <hiccup> liquor."
        "Sssssp."
        "Huh?"  Joxer looked around.  Sounded like air escaping from one of
those inflated sheep's bladders Salmoneous had tried to sell him.  (Only
three dinars!)
        "Ssssssp"
        Joxer scratched his head and looked around again.  Where was that noise
coming from?  He turned his head, turned his body, went in circles for
awhile but then had to stop, he didn't feel too good.
        "Ssssp, Over here!"
        This time, Joxer figured out it was coming from a cluster of potted
plants in the corner.  Talking plants?          "Hello?  You want to <hiccup>
be watered or something?"
        "No, I want some clothes!"
        Joxer looked closer, there was a man behind those plant!  A naked man!
"You're naked!" He exclaimed loudly.
        "Shh!  Do you think I want everyone to know?"  Vachon whispered, looking
around franticly.
        That gave Joxer a pause, "If you don't want anyone to know you're
naked," He spoke slowly, alcohol making his thought processes a bit
slower than usual, "Then why'd you come to a house full of people that
way?"
        "I didn't come naked," Vachon hissed, "Someone took my clothes."
        "You're a pretty tough looking guy, I mean, not as tough as me " Joxer
paused to puff out his chest again, "But anyway, how come you let someone
steal your clothes?"
        "It was this woman, SC, she "
        Joxer cut him off, "Ah, say no more."  He gave a lewd wink, "So she
stole your tunic did she?  Happened to me once in Thrace " He paused as a
silly smile over took him, "A fertility celebration, I remember "
        "Yeah, that's okay, I don't need to hear that story." Vachon fidgeted
behind the potted ferns.  "Think you can get me something to wear?"
        Now Joxer wasn't stupid (just a tad drunk) and he quickly realized that
he might be able to use this reluctant nudist in his mission.  "Okay, I
can get you something "
        Vachon grinned.
        "On one condition." Joxer continued.
        Vachon frowned, "What?"  He asked suspiciously.
        "You have to help me get back at a very rude party crasher," Joxer told
him, "He was rude to Eric."
        "Eric?"  Vachon blinked, "Isn't he one of the people throwing this
shin-dig?"
        "Uh-huh." Joxer nodded.
        "One of the people who invited me?"
        "Yeppers."
        "Okay, I'll help." Vachon agreed, "Just get me something to wear!"
        "Check!"  Joxer jumped to his feet and ran down the hall in search of
something to cover the Spaniard's nekkidness.
        And Vachon, well, he had to stay put behind the potted plants for
awhile.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 4.  Send all comments and little treasure chests that blow
bubbles to anteros@juno.com

Usual disclaimer, no money being made, etc.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (5/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Jenny could hear the strange kilted man calling for her to wait, but, of
course, she wasn't going to listen.  She ran down the hall and decided
the best place for her  was hiding.  She tried the door that led under
the stairs, but it was locked.
        "Let me in!" She pounded on it frantically for a bit.  "Now!"
        "Go away!" Came a somewhat breathless chorus (that sounded suspiciously
like Eric and Leah.)
        "You don't understand!"  Jenny yelled, "There's a -mad- man after me!"
        "So?"
        With a growl Jenny gave the door one last good kick and gave up.  She
darted further down the hall.  Spotting some convenient foliage, she dove
behind a cluster of potted plants.
        "Oh my god!" Jenny gasped, her eyes as big as saucers and her hand
firmly over her open mouth.
        A moment later she left the plants  remembering nothing.
        At a loss as to where else to hide, she headed for the Butler's Pantry.
She tried the door, locked.
        "Let me in!" She cried, pretty sure it wasn't going to work though.
(Considering her track record and all.)  Jenny kicked and screamed and
hollered a bit longer, then turned around and realized that Connor/Sam
hadn't followed her.
        "Oh," She grinned slightly and patted the door behind her gently. "Never
mind."
        "But we -do- mind." The door was yanked open and Jenny was dragged
inside. The door shut.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
        Shana, Laura and Bev dragged the bodies out of the Billiard room,
sooner or later someone was going to want to play pool, and well, seeing
two corpses might dampen the 'party mood.'  (at least in some of the
guests.)
        "Where should we put them?"  Bev asked, hefting Lacroix's feet a bit
higher.
        "The Study?"  Laura offered.
        "Is anyone in there?"  Shana asked, she dropped Aries arms and went to
check.
        Laura and Bev stood there, Lacroix suspended between them, Aries' body
at their feet as they waited for Shana to come back.
        "Wanna play 20 questions?" Bev asked.
        Laura just arched an eyebrow, "No."
        Just then, a chubby German wandered out of the Dining room carrying a
huge chunk of coffeecake, he looked over at the women and smiled, giving
them a cheery wave.  Then he saw corpses, his jaw dropped.
        "Um, this isn't what it looks like Scholtz, really." Laura promised,
pasting on her best 'would I lie?' DP grin.
        Scholtz turned around and headed back to the buffet.  "I see nothink, I
saw nothink."
        After the guard had departed for parts unknown (probably the witness
relocation program), Shana came jogging back.  "The Study is empty, looks
like someone had a card game going in there earlier, but it's broken up
now."
        "Good," Laura yanked on Lacroix's arms, "Let's put them in there for
now, hopefully they'll 'come back from the light' soon."
        "Should I get some peaches?" Bev suggested. "They might help."
        "How about apricots?"  Shana offered.
        "Creamed corn?"
        The three women looked up and saw a familiar blonde detective grinning
at them.
        "Nick!"  Shana exclaimed, she looked frantically down at the bodies.
"This isn't what it looks like, honest.  They-" She trailed off,
something wasn't right.  She cocked her head to one side and looked at
him again.  "What did you do to your hair?"
        "Nick?"  The man echoed?  His hand went up to touch his slicked back
locks.  "My name is Klaus, and what's wrong with my hair?!"  He glared
down at her.
        Laura and Bev exchanged a look and took their Roman corpse to the
relative safety of the Study.
        "Cowards!" Shana called after them before turning her attention back to
Klaus.  "Um, nothings wrong with your hair, for a minute I just thought
you were someone else."
        Klaus seemed somewhat pacified, "Like this 'Nick' person?"
        Shana nodded, out of the corner of her eye she could see Bev and Laura
returning to drag Aries' body away.
        "And this, 'Nick,'" Klaus took a step closer to Shana, "You find him
attractive?"
        Shana's eyes widened, "Um, yeah, I guess. He-" She continued to stammer,
but most of the rest weren't really words, a couple vowels, but not many,
mostly consonants, lots of q's and h's.
        "So, therefore." He smirked, "You find -me- attractive."
        This time Shana just opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, no
sound at all came out.
        By this time, Bev and Laura had wiggled in next to them and were in the
process of hauling off the second corpse.
        "Did you do that?" Klaus asked her suddenly.
        Shana's eyes snapped up from the dead war god, "Do what?"
        "Kill him?"  Klaus asked, ignoring the other Thugs completely.
(Something neither Laura nor Bev minded a bit.)
        Shana stared at him a moments, "Um, not  directly."
        "So you did indirectly?"  He raised an eyebrow.
        Shana thought about that, it -had- been her date, and she had brought
him to the party knowing what he was, so "Um, maybe?"
        Klaus just grinned at her.
        Shana shifted her weight nervously from one foot to the other, "Uh, Can
I get you something?  A drink?  Punch maybe?"
        "I don't drink," He lifted a hand and skimmed his fingertips along her
collarbone, "Not punch anyway."
        Shana shivered.
        Klaus just chuckled and leaned down as if to whisper something in her
ear
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
        Meanwhile, Kimmer was still hard at work staring longingly at her Methos
statue.
        "Oh why oh why can't you be a real boy Pinocchio," She sighed wistfully.
        The statue, as statues often do, failed to respond.
        "At least for a couple of hours." She added with an evil grin.
        Off in the bushes she could still hear Dawson and MacLeod wandering
around.  Curses in a rather large variety of languages were reaching her
tender young ears, but being the refined young lady she was, Kimmer only
memorized a few.
        Sighing again, Kimmer gracefully arose from her bench (because her
backside had fallen asleep) and wandered over to the statue.
        "Shana said that when you were first cast you were most likely brightly
painted," She told the statue.
        The statue did not, however, seem too impressed by its history lesson.
        "Hello? I say, do you happen to know the way out?"
        Kimmer turned around and found a dark hared English gentleman peering at
her from behind wire rimmed glasses.
        Kimmer blushed, embarrassed to have been found talking to a statue.
"Um, yes. I do, I-I didn't realize anyone else was out here."
        "God darn it! MacLeod, next time I go to a party with you remind me to
bring a ball of twine!"
        "Ha!  You think I'm ever taking you with me again?  You brainless excuse
for a Watcher!"
        Kimmer looked at the tweed encased Englishman again, "I mean, besides
those two."
        "Um, yes.  Well, I'm not quite as  vocal as either of them.  I came
outside for some air and saw the maze  thought it might be fun.  It
ceased being fun about an hour ago."  He smiled wryly at her, a
charmingly lopsided grin. "I'm Giles by the way."
        "Kimmer," The Thug fought the strange urge to curtsey.  "I can show you
out now, it's really easy if you know the trick."
        But Giles wasn't listening anymore, he was looking at the statue.  "What
an interesting piece."  He mumbled, drawing a magnifying glass from his
jacket pocket.
        Kimmer stepped aside and peered over his shoulder.
        "There seems to be an inscription here."  Giles told her, brushing at
the mental with his sleeve.
        "Yeah, but it's in Greek." Kimmer made a face.
        "Oh, that isn't a problem." He turned and smiled at her, "My Greek is
passable."
        Deciding that that was probably meant to be a humble understatement,
Kimmer began to dance around in circles.  "So you can read it?"  She
squealed.
        Giles gave a pained grimace at the pitch she'd managed to reach, but
quickly regained his composure.  "Yes, it says " He paused.
        "What?  What?!" Kimmer pressed.
        "I say, I think this must be some sort of joke," Giles pulled back,
"Where did you get this statue?"
        "Florence, it's from the bronze-age." Kimmer answered, "Why?  What does
it say?"
        "Well, This is modern Greek, so I'm afraid it isn't really that old," He
paused, "Though it certainly does look like it is."
        "But what does it say?"  Kimmer demanded.
        "What?" Giles looked confused for a moment, "Oh, yes, yes, the
inscription. It says," He looked embarrassed, "'Pull my finger.'"
        "What?!" Kimmer yelped.
        "Um, well, that's what it says," He gestured at the statue, "It's not
like I'd make something like that up!"
        Kimmer stared at him for a moment, then decided he was telling the
truth.  "Well, there's only one thing left to do."  She said.
        "Oh?  And what is that?" He took of his spectacles and began to polish
them with his handkerchief.
        Plucking his glasses from his hand, Kimmer perched them back on his
nose.  She then shoved him towards the statue with a cheery smile and
ordered him to, "Pull his finger."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 5, on to part 6.  All comments and the Holy Hand Grenade of
Antioch may be sent to anteros@juno.com

Usual disclaimer, no money being made, etc.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (6/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Nick continued down yet another hall of the enormous Mansion.  Finally,
he came to a door and heard a voice.
        "Oooo, it's so big!"  It was the voice of Ren, the Dark Perk Ninja.
"Can I touch it?"
        "Absolutely." A man's voice, not someone he recognized though, "If you
want, take it in both hands and stretch it out."
        Nick went pale, well, paler.  He knew he should leave, eavesdropping was
wrong, but he just couldn't seem to drag himself away.
        "Oh my god!" Ren's voice conveyed much awe.  "I had no idea they even
came this long!"
        "Mine's a bit longer than standard," The man agreed, "But no longer than
I can handle."
        Nick's eyes widened and he pressed his ear against the door.
        "But still " Ren trailed off, "Can I hold it?"
        "Please," Came an amused reply.
        "Whoa," Ren's voice trembled, "hard to believe you can actually use one
this big!"
        "It's not as hard as it seems."  Came a nonchalant reply.
        "Yeah " Ren agreed, "But  16 feet?"
        Just then the door banged open and a very embarrassed vampire fell to
the floor.
        "I-I, sorry, I," Nick stammered and looked up, there he saw Ren and a
Spanish man dressed all in black. A bull-whip lay on the table between
them.  "Oh." If Nick had been human, he would have blushed.
        "Listening in Detective?"  Ren quickly put 2 and 2 together and was soon
grinning like nobody's business. She smiled at her date and took a step
towards the detective.  "And just what did you expect to find?"  She
smiled evilly.
        Nick looked everywhere -but- at Ren, "Um, nothing, I was " His head
snapped up and he grinned slightly, "Looking for Nat!  Yeah, that's it."
        Ren looked disappointed, but then shrugged and said, "Haven't seen her,"
she looked over at her date, "Have you Zorro, darling?"  She turned
towards the masked man who'd been so recently showing her 'his weapon.'
        "Nope," The man dimpled at the blonde Thug, "You know I only have eyes
for you."
        Ren smiled winningly back at her caped avenger and glided gracefully
into his arms.
Zorro was soon whispering sweet nothings into Ren's diamond adorned ears
and Nick found himself completely ignored.  He decided to look for the
coroner elsewhere.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Meanwhile, back in the butler's pantry
        "Hi Jenny," Maya offered her friend a small wave.
        Jenny, however, didn't wave back.  She would have, but being hoisted up
against a china cabinet by the neck was sort of distracting her.
        "Ooo, another sister," Drusilla grinned, "Maybe we can get matching
dresses, maybe plaid."
        Jenny tried to explain that she didn't want to be anyone's sister (or
wear plaid for that matter!) but what came out was more of a, "Ermph."
        "My what a lovely shade of blue you are," Drusilla watched with
child-like fascination as the lack of oxygen began to get to Jenny.
"What's your name little one?"
        "Her name is Jenny," Maya supplied, "And you'd better let her down,
she's going to pass out."
        Drusilla spared Maya a brief glance, "I know what I'm doing, just a
little pressure, not a lot.  She's not going to pass out."
        Jenny promptly passed out.
        "Oops." Dru smiled and let the Thugs slump to the floor, she turned back
to Maya.  "Oh well, I like you better anyway."
        "Lucky me," Maya cracked wryly, then bolted out the door.
        Dru stood there a moment as if trying to figure out what had just
happened, then followed her out.
        Jenny dreamt of what she 'didn't see' in the bushes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        In the Study, Bev and Laura were carefully arranging Lacroix and Aries
on the leather couches.
        "Put his arm up like this," Bev wrenched the master vampire's arm up in
a rather uncomfortable looking manner.
        "Bev!"  Laura gasped, "You're going to hurt him!"
        Bev gave her friend a strange look.  "They're dead, Laura.  Dead,
d-e-a-d.  You can't get more hurt than that."
        Laura looked down at the late God of War and said, "They're going to
wake up sooner or later ya know."
        "Yeah," Bev nodded distractedly and proceeded to arrange Aries legs on
the ottoman, crossing his legs, bending his knees  hiking up his tunic
just a bit
        Just then, Anna came running out of the secret passage.  "Guys!  Have
you seen Agent Mulder?  You're never going to believe what " The teen
stopped mid-shout, "Whoa  are they ?"
        "Dead?"  Laura grinned and rubbed Lacroix on his bristly little head
(well, it's not like he'd ever let anyone do it if he were -alive-)
"Yep, as door nails."
        "Pushin' up the daisies."  Bev nodded, one hand skimming down Aries'
chest to relieve him of that oh-so-cumbersome heavy gold medallion.
        Anna looked on in horrified fascination as her friend pocketed her
pilfered treasure.  Suddenly she shook her head and tried to remember why
she'd been looking for her fellow Thugs, "The FBI agent, Mulder!"  Anna
exclaimed, "He was in the ballroom, then I lost track of him."  The teen
frowned, "So, who killed Lacroix?  And is that the God of War?"
        "Yep indeedy," Laura patted Aries head with one hand and Lacroix's with
her other.  She could get used to this.
        "So " Anna looked at the corpses again, "I guess, since you guys aren't
panicking, that they'll be coming back to life soon?"
        "Or unlife," Bev nodded, "As the case may be."
        Anna nodded slightly and backed away slowly, she did -not- want to be
here when those two came back to life.  "Well, I think I'll go look for
Spooky- I mean, er Mulder, you guys have fun."  She waved and headed back
into the secret passageway.
        Bev and Laura exchanged a glance.
        "Gee, what's her problem?"  Bev asked, "Acts like she's never seen two
dead bodies in the study before."
        Laura shrugged, and tousled Aries hair a bit more, "Kids."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Lost in a cloud of embarrassment and confusion, Nick managed to get
himself lost.  He stumbled past a crowd of habit wearing biker nuns and
pulled open a door.  It was the rose colored parlor again.
        Nick looked around, the Twister game had apparently broken up, but
Janette was still there, as was one other person, perhaps the winner of
that game.
        "Ah, Nicholah!"  Janette called out cheerfully.
        Nick just stared in amazement.  There, in the middle of a deep pile
oriental rug, sat his former lover, she was sitting cross legged on the
floor and letting some mortal braid her hair! Nick dragged his eyes away
from Janette's two pig-tails and glanced at the girl responsible for this
sudden change of look.
        A young dark hared teen smiled back at him, then proceeded to add pink
ribbons to the braid tips.  Nick searched his memory, Miranda, another on
of the Dark Perks.  What was the deal?  This faction was excessively
weird.  Not only that, but they seemed to bring out the weirdness of
everyone they ran across too!  Just look at Tracy!  Sure his partner had
insisted that she rode motorcycles and inked tattoo -before- she met the
DP, but Nick had noticed that the blonde was much more likely these days
to restrain a perp with a head butt than ever before.
        At Nick's glazed over look, Janette decided to continue with her young
pupil's lesson.  Holding the stuffed bunny aloft, Janette explained, "And
see here my dear?  This is where the jugular would be."
        Miranda nodded enthusiastically and teased Janette's bangs into a huge
puff atop her head.
        Nick shook his head as if to clear out the cobwebs (this took a couple
minutes)  after which he looked at his sister and demanded, "Just what
the -heck- do you think you're doing?!"
        Janette looked up calmly and answered, "Oh really Nicholah, what -is-
your problem?"
        "Yeah!"  Miranda piped up, "Can't you see I'm gettin' a bunny anatomy
lesson from a thousand year old vampire while I do her hair?!"  The teen
looked disgusted he hadn't figured that out and stuck a few more pink
bobby-pins into Janette's over-gelled locks.
        Just then, a man, a vampire Nick noted, came in carrying a plate of
sandwiches and two bottles of 'wine.'  He ignored Nick, but placed the
silver platter of finger sandwiches before Miranda and handed Janette a
bottle.  He next proceeded to drop to the floor beside the pair and lean
in to kiss Miranda on the cheek.  Then  he grabbed the bunny and pulled
off its head.
        "I thought you were never coming back," Miranda blushed.
        The man grinned back at her, the produced a DP Soda from his voluminous
cloak, "It took awhile to find your drink of choice."  He glanced at
Janette then, "Nice hair."
        Janette preened a bit, she had no idea that Miranda had turned the back
portion of her hair into a mass of dreadlocks.
        Nick shook his head, unable to take in the 'picnic' before him.  It was
just too weird.  He turned to the male vampire.  "And who are you?"
        "I," The man tilted his head in a slight bow, "Am Alexander Lucard. I
came to keep my son Klaus out of trouble."
        Nick glanced at the teen staring at the vampire with undisguised
infatuation.  "But who's going to keep you out of trouble?"  He asked,
taking a protective step towards the Canadian DP.
        "Get lost Nick," Miranda said, never taking her eyes off Lucard.
        Nick growled, but Janette cut him off before he could continue.  "Don't
worry Nicholah, I shall chaperon."
        Nick came back to himself and gave Janette a short nod.  But as he was
leaving the parlor he noticed the Inca (now sporting jeans and a leather
vest) heading back in carrying a bouquet of red roses and calla lilies,
and Nick suddenly got the impression that maybe Janette wouldn't be
watching the young teen too closely after all.
        He was just about to go back in and save Miranda (whether she liked it
or not!)  When all of the sudden, he caught sight of his master through
the open study doors   It looked like he was sleeping, but that couldn't
be right
>>>>>>>>>>
End part 6, continued in part 7.  Send all comments and excuses -you-
might give Nick to anteros@juno.com

___________________________________________________________________
Usual disclaimer, no money being made, etc.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (7/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        "And just what kind of a name is 'Dark Perk Mansion' anyway?" Fox Mulder
griped, he was beginning to get really suspicious of this place. First
off is he -knew- something had happened to him in the Ballroom.  Sure he
couldn't remember quite what that something was, but he knew it had to be
something weird.  (Why else would people keep asking him to sign their
Jazz-land T-shirts?)
        And even though the party-goers insisted otherwise, he was pretty sure
something odd was going on.  There were just too many strange people
here, from bikers to priests, lawyers to psychics, emu ranchers to
ventriloquists, for this to be a 'simple get together among friends,' as
Anna had told him.  And where had that Anna girl gone anyway?  Mulder
looked around for the pretty teen that had been acting as his tour guide
earlier.  She'd disappeared.
        "Darn it!"  Mulder growled in frustration and came very close to
punching a nearby wall.
        The wall flinched.
        "What the-?" Mulder frowned and took another swing, but this time
nothing happened.
        "Must have been a trick of the lights," He mumbled, secretly hoping he
wasn't losing his mind.
        Sighing, Mulder turned around to get his bearings, and headed back
towards the kitchen.  He could use another cup of coffee right about now.
        As he re-entered the Kitchen, he didn't really expect to find Mary (the
woman Anna had told him was DP's leader) still there.  But there she was.
        The FBI agent paused in the doorway for a moment and looked at the girl.
 The young, slender blonde certainly didn't look like someone who could
be running some sort of international supernatural conspiracy, but then
again, these days you never could tell.
        Mulder watched as Mary leaned closer to her companion, he strained to
hear some of their conversation, hoping maybe they were discussing their
evil plots of world domination.
        "And see the problem with omnipotence, is the question of free will.
How can any God grant free will without limiting his/her own power?  And
if people don't have free will, then is it even possible for us to exist
as individuals with souls?"
        "Philosophy," Mulder mumbled in disgust. And though he hadn't thought
he'd been loud enough for the pair to hear him, Mulder was surprised when
the bleached hared man beside Mary looked up and sneered at him.
        "Looks like we've got company luv."  Spike motioned towards the door.
        Mary looked up and groaned, "Agent Mulder  you still here?  I thought
Anna and I told you, there's nothing paranormal about this house!  We're
all perfectly normal people, and so are our guests."
        Spike gave a short shout of laughter and dragged Mary off her stool and
into his lap.  "Yep, perfectly normal one and all."
         "And you two are really just discussing religious philosophy at a party
like this?"  Mulder asked suspiciously, taking this opportunity to move
into the kitchen and closer to the two blondes.
        Mary nodded enthusiastically.  Spike nodded too, though he had the look
of someone who would rather be doing something else.  (Though since Mary
was now in his lap  they could discuss anything she bloody well wanted!)
        "I see." Mulder looked at Mary again, something was nagging him in the
back of his brain.  Something about her being the one in charge around
here.  What exactly did she know  and how could he get her to tell him?
Mulder next glanced at Spike.  He already didn't like that fellow.  He
was just the sort of guy who'd stuffed him into his locker in junior
high.
        Spike sighed in frustration, "Look Mate, ya think maybe you could leave
now?  Me and the lady were having a -private- conversation here."
        Mulder frowned.  Suddenly he happened to glance towards the stainless
steel refrigerator door  a door Spike was not reflected in.  "Vampire!"
He yelled, lunging towards the couple and grabbing Mary by the arm.
        "What the-?!" Spike watched in confusion as Mulder hauled Mary to his
side and drew his gun.
        "Stay back!" The Agent yelled, alternating his aim on both Mary and
Spike.
        "Agent Mulder!" Mary yelled, wondering just how much she should struggle
with the guy with a gun. "What the heck do you think you're doing?!"
        "He's a vampire!"  Mulder yelled back.
        "He is?" Mary's eyes went wide, she stopped struggling and just stared
at Spike with her mouth slightly agape.
        "Yes, and for some reason he wants you, and I'm going to figure out
why!" Mulder explained, drawing her to his side and pulling her towards a
door.
        "Hello, she's bloody gorgeous, that's why!" Spike growled, his face
going into full vamp-mode as he began to advance.
        Mary gasped.
        Mulder reached into his coat pocket (with the gunless hand) and pulled
out a large crucifix.  (It only takes about 3 encounters with vampires
before you start carrying one around full-time.)
        Spike jumped back with a snarl. "And what?  You're just going to kidnap
her then are you?"
        "Better than letting you eat her!" Mulder shouted back, more than a
little shocked by what he saw before him.
        "Were you really going to kill me?"  Mary asked Spike wide-eyed.
        "Of course not luv."  Spike's face returned to normal.
        "He -would- say that!" Mulder hauled Mary towards the nearest door
which happened to be the meat locker.
        Mary gazed at the vampire, not really knowing what to say.  Suddenly she
realized where Mulder was taking her.  "Wait!"  She screamed.
        But it was too late, Mulder had already pulled them both in and slammed
the door shut.
        "You idiot!" Mary yelled, her breath making a little white cloud before
her. "There's no latch on this side!  No way out!"
        "Oops." Mulder shrugged and looked away from her accusing eyes, but he
kept the gun pointed at her, just in case.
        On the other side Spike just glared at the door for a moment, just
knowing Mulder still had the cross pointed at him. He reached into his
pocket and pulled out a cigarette.  "Oh screw it, they can very well just
both stay in there all night if they want!"  He cursed and stalked off to
find Dru.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Meanwhile
It was an eerie blood red full moon that shone down the night of the DP's
party. But that fact wasn't bothering Kimmer at all, in fact, just like
all the Dark Perks, the Thug thought it just added to the over-all
'party' atmosphere.  It was, however, creeping Giles out.
        "I don't really think this is such a good idea." The Englishman
explained as he tried to dig in his heels as the persistent Perk shoved
him towards the bronze statue.
        "Don't be such a baby!"  Kimmer sighed, "I mean, what could happen?"
        Giles raised an eye brow at that, in his experience that was one of the
worst things anyone could say, the only thing worse than 'what can
happen?' is 'well, it can't get any worse.'
        "I mean, it's just an old statue." Kimmer continued. "Just pull its
finger for Pete's sake!"
        "Very well," Giles sighed and reached out towards the rusting metal
appendage.
        Suddenly, from out of no where jumped a dark hared young man with a
frantic look in his eye.  "Stop!  Don't touch that statue!  It'll destroy
us all!"
        "Huh?" Kimmer looked at the slacker-esqe man, with his loose denim
jacket and long brown hair and immediately pigeon-holed him as a Vaquero.
 He was kind of cute though, shaking her head Kimmer threw off such
musings, she had her Bronze-age Methos to worry about after all.  "Who
the heck are you, and what about my statue?"
        Giles, who's noble streak was showing, stepped in between the possible
madman and young Kimmer.  "Yes, who are you?"
        "Me?"  The man paused, as if not expecting to be asked such a question,
"I'm Duncan."
        "Wot?!" Came a shout from the bushes.
        "Different Duncan!" Kimmer shouted back.
        "Oh." Then the foliage shut up.
        Giles ignored this exchange and took a step forward, "Now  Duncan-"
        "Wait a minute!"  Duncan #2 shouted, suddenly staring at Giles as if
he'd seen a ghost.  "What are you doing here Oliver?!"
        "Oliver?" Giles echoed, his brow furrowed.  "My young man, my name is
Rupert Giles  I don't even know any Oliver."  The Englishman was
beginning to lose patience.
        The non-kilted Duncan took a step towards Giles and peered at him
suspiciously, "Yeah right, and I suppose you don't know any Sydney
either?"
        "Nat Lambert's cat?" Kimmer chirped up, quite confused by now.  Why were
these two arguing about a cat  when Methos was still all frozen in
carbonite?!
        "Cat?" Giles looked at Kimmer.
        "No, no cat." Duncan (sans kilt) insisted, "Blonde, green eyes, you
know, the girl you're training to go out and catch all those psychos, any
of this ringing a bell?"
        "Yes," Giles glared, "But her name is Buffy  not Sydney."
        "Sidney's a cat." Kimmer nodded in agreement, anything to hurry these
two up.
        "Buffy?" Duncan looked completely bewildered, "Is this some Committee
trick?"
        "What?" Giles took off his glasses and polished them again, this man was
obviously deranged.  "Look, Duncan-"
        "Wot?!"
        "Shut up!" Kimmer shouted into the bushes.
        "Quite," Giles grimaced, "I don't know what this is about, or what you
know about Buffy, but that is neither here nor there, you were going to
tell us something about this statue?"
        "Oh, right." Duncan nodded, "I need to tell you, WAIT!"  He suddenly
screamed as he watched Kimmer, who'd grown tired of waiting, (patience
isn't really a common virtue among the DP) pulling the bronze finger.
        "Why?" Kimmer looked over her shoulder at Duncan, totally missing the
slight quivering effect in the air around the statue.
        Giles and Duncan, however, did not.
        "Miss, I," Giles began, "I think you should step away " He trailed off
as the whole statue began to violently shake.
        "Ack!" Kimmer jumped back, landing soundly in a bemused Duncan's arms.
        The metal on the statue seemed to abruptly melt off the form beneath it,
almost like paint washing off in the rain, the suddenly liquid bronze
began to puddle at the man's feet.
        "Argh!" The artist formerly known as statue yelled.  Brandishing his
sword, and clad only in a modestly placed fig-leaf, Methos rushed towards
the maze's green wall and began flailing away, quickly entering the hedge
and disappearing from sight.
        Kimmer glanced at the hole the naked madman had left, then back up at
Giles and Duncan.  "Well," She shrugged, "At least it can't get much
worse."
        Giles groaned.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 7, continued in part 13!  Okay, okay, in part 8.  Conformists!
<eg>  Send all comments and brownie recipes to anteros@juno.com

Usual disclaimer, no money being made, etc.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (8/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Joxer was wandering about in search of clothes for his soon-to-be
side-kick Vachon.
        "What I need," Joxer told himself (which was convenient 'cause he was
listening,) "Is someone who knows where they're keeping everyone's
coats."
        As chance would have it, Carly was standing nearby (trying to figure out
how her favorite band had become Schanke's back up band.)  "What did you
say?"
        "I said," Joxer began with annoyance, as he turned to confront his
eavesdropper.  What he saw, however, caused his jaw to drop and all
thought of a witty wisecrack to vacate his still slightly fermented
brain.  "I  you  wow!"
        Carly dimpled up at him, turning slightly to show off her outfit.  Thigh
high blood red boots, over back leggings, a tight micro-skirt that bore
an uncanny resemblance to saran wrap, and a cropped dark pink baby tee
that read 'dangerous' in red letters.  "Hello, I don't think we've been
introduced.  I'm Renali, or Adon if you prefer."  She frowned slightly,
"Though my real name is Carly  which Mary insists on calling me." She
made a face.
        Joxer looked up and down Carly's curvaceous 5'1 frame and settled on her
waist length deep red hair.  "You, uh, me, I  er."
        Carly smiled, "And you are?"
        "Huh?" Joxer's head snapped up, "Oh, Joxer, my name, Joxer.  I'm a
mighty warrior ya know."
        "You are?" Carly's eyes went wide.
        Joxer grinned and straightened to his full height, "Yep, every hear of
Xena, Hercules?  Nothing compared to me!"
        "Wow!  I do declare, you've got to be the greatest guy in the entire
Mansion!"  Carly frowned slightly, "I mean, since Screed had to leave to
get to Petco before they close for the night."
        Joxer nodded, agreeing even though he hadn't the vaguest idea what she
was talking about.  Then suddenly, he remembered his quest.  "Hey!  You
wouldn't know where I could find some clothes would you?"
        "Clothes?" Carly frowned, "Why do you need " Suddenly she broke off into
a grin, "For Vachon right?!" She giggled.
        "Well, yeah," Joxer nodded, "What's so funny?"
        "Oh, nothing." Carly grinned, "It's just that SC refused to give him
anything back, it was just too funny for words when he ran out with only
that lamp shade " She trailed off as she again succumbed to laughter.
        "So " Joxer ran a hand through his short hair, watching in bemusement as
the lovely young co-ed double over in raucous laughter.  "I can find him
some clothes  where?"
        Carly looked up, twin trails of purple mascara had raced down her
cheeks, "Oh, I think we can come up with something "
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Meanwhile, back in the maze...
        "I canna believe ya had the nerve ta bring me to such a party!"  The
Highlander yelled from behind a philodendron.
        "Oh MacLeod, if you don't stop your whinin' I'll take your head myself!"
 Dawson bellowed back from the boxwood.
        "They weren't on the guest list," Kimmer giggled nervously and looked up
at Giles and Duncan, "Really."
        "Quite." The Englishman nodded at the teen before turning his attention
to Duncan (not the one in the kilt, he's still lost in the maze
somewhere  near the tiger pit I think.) "What I don't understand, is how
you knew that the statue would  would."  Giles trailed off with an
ineffectual wave of his hand.
        "Would do whatever the heck it is it just did." Kimmer finished for him
in a squeal.  (She was -not- a happy camper now the her gorgeous
bronze-boy had run off swinging a sword  towards her house, which was
full of her friends  and her coffee mug!)
        "I didn't." Duncan said, as if surprised to hear himself answering.
"Sydney just told me to come to Toronto and make sure nothing happened to
the statue."
        "Isn't Sidney a -male- cat?" Kimmer asked, bewildered.  "Though I guess
since Nat had him fixed he -might- be considered 'less-than-a-man' now,
but that still doesn't mean he's a she and I don't think it's right to-"
The Thug trailed off as she noticed both Giles and Duncan staring at her
like she had cappuccino foam on her nose.  "What?!"
        Duncan shook his head suddenly and then smiled somewhat bemusedly at the
girl.  "No, no, Sidney's a girl, my best friend really."  He pushed some
of his long hair out of his eyes and his smile vanished.  "I live on her
roof actually."  He said slowly as if realizing that fact for the first
time.
        "Why?" Kimmer asked, almost forgetting about her Methos in the face of
such scatterbrained cuteness.
        "Why do I live there?" Duncan smiled, "I don't know, I like it I guess."
        "Ok," Kimmer smiled back.
        "Yes, um," Giles cleared his throat, "So you have no idea why the statue
would, ah, run amok?"
        Duncan shook his head, "Oh wait, I do have this." The cute slacker held
aloft an envelope that said 'Tracy' on the side.  "I'm supposed to give
this to a Det. Vetter, if I can ever find her."
        "Ooo!" Kimmer grabbed the note and quickly tore into it.
        "Wait, you can't just-" Giles began half-heartedly, after all, he wanted
to know what it said too, and they didn't have time to look for any
'Tracy.'
        "Don't worry, she's a friend of mine.  She won't mind if I open her
mail," Kimmer explained, "At least  I don't think she will."  The teen
began to look a little worried about what the cop might do to her.
        The trio just stared at each other for a moment, before Kimmer
remembered herself and actually decided to read the letter.  Her eyes
dropped to the paper, then widened.  "Oh my word."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Elsewhere, the young Thug Anna was still creeping through the Mansion's
secret passages, peeking into various rooms in search of Agent Fox
Mulder.  "Where the heck could he be?"  She whispered to herself.
        Anna bumped down the secret passage, past the conservatory, through the
hidden 'tin foil room' (the only place in the house where you were
guaranteed the government couldn't read your thoughts) and eventually
back towards the tunnel that led to the Pink Ninja Cave.  "Well he can't
be in there," She reasoned, "No one but the DP Ninja and her sidekick are
allowed inside."
        Even as she said the words the young Thug knew she was going to find
something terrible inside.  (This story was just too exciting for her not
too! <eg>)
        So when she pushed open the huge steel and wood doors that led to the
cave from the secret passage, she was already set to scream.
        "Aaaccckkkk!"  She yelped as the door swung wide and revealed the
silhouette of a monster!
        "Arrgghh!"  The monster screamed back, apparently just as surprised to
see Anna as she was to see him.  (Or actually, more so, since Anna is
already privy to the author's writing style <g>)
        Anna stared in wide-eyed terror at the beast before her.  7 feet tall,
it seemed to be a bright yellow insect  clad in a dark pink turtle-neck
that read 'East High Hornets'?  "Wha-what are you?"  She asked, her voice
trembling.
        Suddenly the giant bug reached up and  tore off its own head!
        "Ack!" Anna screamed again.
        The monster, or rather, the boy in the hornet costume, groaned as he
pulled off the giant mesh head.  "Geez, will you stop screaming already?"
        "Xander?!" Anna gasped, "What, how,-why "
        "I think the better questions would be who and how."  He cracked
sarcastically to cover his own embarrassment at being caught in such a
get up.  (This was the -last- time he listened to Willow when they were
having a fight.  This was so -not- a costume party!)
        "Huh?"  Anna blinked.
        "That would be another good one." Xander nodded.
        Anna nodded with him and glanced around the Ninja Cave, no one else was
here.  She skipped the obvious question (How the heck did you find this
place anyway?) and went straight to "Why are you in here all by
yourself?"
        Xander blushed, not willing to explain how his friends had tricked him
into wearing a rival school's mascot costume.  "Um, well, I'm not alone
anymore.  Am I?"  He smiled shyly at the DP teen.
        "Oh," Anna blushed back, "I guess not."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Aw, ain't that sweet?  End part 8, continued in part 9. Send all comments
to anteros@juno.com

In the beginning  there were disclaimers.  If you missed them, it's your
own fault ;-)

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (9/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Carly led the intrepid and sloshed Joxer up the back staircase to
Laura's room.  Once there, she picked the lock, led him inside and
punched the secret code that would open the vault (also known as Laura's
closet.)
        "Whoa," Joxer let out a low whistle as he surveyed all the Roman
antiquities in the private Lacroix shrine, (the stuff was, after all, at
the height of fashion where he was from.)
        "It's something isn't it?" Carly nodded and pulled open a long trunk
holding a variety of togas.  "See that?"  She pointed at the wall where a
certain ill-gotten War 9 boon hung.  "That's the 'Lucius in Repose
tapestry, a holy relic."
        Joxer paused to examine the golden thigh before turning his attention to
what the young Thug was doing.
        "Ah, this one should work," Carly held aloft a particularly short
Spartan toga and led her befuddled companion back towards the party.
        Joxer followed her out, happy to leave, it felt as if the eyes on that
marble bust were following him.  He shuttered. "Hey, wait up!"

        They found Vachon soon enough, he was still behind the potted plants. He
wasn't quite brooding, kinda skulking, with just a touch of slacking for
zest.  "Where have you been!"  He yelled when he saw Joxer, then quieted
down when he saw he was drawing the attention of quite a few party-goers
to his neck of the indoor woods.
        "My my Vachon," Carly grinned, (it's redundant to say a DP grinned
evilly, if a Thug is grinning, it's evil.  Birds gotta fly, fishes swim,
DP Thugs = grin evilly.)  "You're looking, uncharacteristically
flesh-toned tonight."
        Vachon glared at her, but then he noticed that she was carrying a bundle
that could only be clothes for him and he grinned his patented lop-sided
'I'm-a-bad-boy-but-you-know-you-love-it' smile and held one hand out for
the clothes.  (The other hand was protecting the Vachon family jewels
from Carly's eager little eyes.)
        Joxer, who until this moment had been busy holding his head and trying
to remember just what he'd drank, snapped out of his whisky-colored
flashback and noticed the fair young maiden Carly was leering at Vachon
like a Trojan foot soldier making a tribute at the temple of Aphrodite
(Goddess of Love and surfer chick supreme!)  He quickly stepped between
the two, grabbed the clothes and thrust them towards Vachon.  He tried to
glare reproachingly down at the red head, but she just dimpled up at him
and he felt a rather dopey grin spread over his face.  What strange
powers these DP woman had!
        While Carly was busy batting her eyes at Joxer (using Tracy's
I'm-sweet-and-innocent-I-have-no-idea-how-this-leather-bustier-got-on-me
expression.)  Vachon quickly slipped into the outfit they'd brought him.
        "Ack!"  The Slacker-King yelped.  "A TOGA!  You brought me a <insert
strong Spanish curse about horse's mother's rear here> toga?!"
        Joxer looked confused, "What's wrong with a toga, lot's of people wear
them."
        "Yeah," Carly grinned (need I say evilly?) "Besides, you've got cute
knees."
        This mollified Vachon somewhat.  Maybe a toga -did- have its advantages.
        "Now," Joxer announced, rubbing his hands together in glee, "Let's find
that crasher!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Kimmer looked down at Tracy's mail (ignoring the tiny voice telling her
that opening other people's mail was wrong, what had her conscious ever
done for her?!) and read out loud,

        Det. Vetter,

        You don't know me, I'm Sydney, though that's not really important, what
-is- important is that I have information about a certain Bronze statue
that was bought with your GoodCop Credit Card.  You see, I was making
random phone calls when I stumbled across the Luna Foundation and talked
to a man named Nick Boyle  actually you don't need to hear about that
either
        <then there was an entire paragraph written and crossed out, Kimmer
thought she could make out the word 'paranormal' and
'hunk-a-hunk-a-burnin' love.'>
        So basically the statue you bought is under a spell and is the
personification of Death from the four horsemen.  What ever you do don't
wake the statue, and if that's already happened, the only way to stop it
is to cut off it's head!
                                        Sydney

        "Jinkies!" Kimmer exclaimed in her best Velma from Scooby Doo voice.
"Well, I guess we'll just have to cut off Death's head."  She shrugged
not looking too concerned at that prospect.
        Meanwhile, Shana's earlier date Michael was just about to return to the
party, (Laura had been right, there is no better place than a DP Party!)
when he overheard Kimmer's statement and decided to find out what Aruba
was like this time of year.
        Giles, for his part, had grown accustomed to young woman who had no
problem beheading blood-crazed demons and just nodded his approval at the
DP Thug.
        The almost-Vaquero Duncan, on the other hand, was utterly horrified.
"You're going to behead him?!"
        "Wot!?"  Duncan 'I'm-too-sexy-for-real-pants' MacLeod yelled from behind
the rhododendron.
        "Heheh,' Dawson giggled with glee, "You're gonna get it now Mac!"
        "You know something, you're a real lousy Watcher!"  The highlander
bellowed back at his bearded companion.  (He would have whacked him, but
the were both still hopelessly lost in the maze.)
        Giles frowned at that, "No need to get personal," He sniffed, keeping a
stiff British upper lip.
        "I don't think he means you," Slacker-Duncan put a comforting hand on
the librarian's surprisingly built shoulder.
        Kimmer, who was gagging at this touching scene, grabbed the two bonding
sidekicks and pulled them through the hole that Meethos had left.  "Come
on!  Time's a wastin'!  We have people to meet, coffee to drink, and
personifications of Death to behead!"  (Now if that's not a description
of a great party I don't know what is!)
>>>>>>>>>>
        Back in the house
Maya was running towards the back of the mansion, trying to flee from the
evil, but strangely entertaining, Drusilla.  She was so busy looking over
her shoulder and then looking down at her own chest (she was trying to
get that heaving bosom effect going, but to no avail) she ran smack dab
into Sam/Connor/Guy-#2-in-a-kilt.
        "Ack!"  She screamed.
        "Och!"  He screamed, trying at last to get that Scottish lilt going.
        "What do you think you're doing?!"  Maya yelled, ignoring the fact that
she was entirely to blame.  "Standing in the hall when I'm trying to run
and heave!"
        Sam/Connor/dress-dude-number-two, just stared at the Thug with a look of
confusion, mixed with a tiny bit of fear.
        "Well?!"  Maya demanded.
        "I- well, um, er."  Hooked on phonics worked for Connor, next he moved
into the long O's. "Oom, oh "
        Maya glared at the scientist/highlander/drag-queen for a moment then
sighed, "Come on, you're going to have to hide from Dru with me."
        "What?  I mean  Wot?!" The man exclaimed as the strange girl dragged him
towards a grandfather clock (13 o'clock if anyone's interested) and swung
it aside to reveal a hidden passageway.  He attempted to fight her when
she tried to push him inside.
        "Just Go!" Maya yelled, (she'd had a rough day you know, what with her
dance partner running off and an insane vampiress trying to adopt her.)
Then seeing that the man was carrying a sword, and only the DP's were
supposed to be armed at this party, she grabbed it and slipped into her
Ratpacker dialect.  "See 'ere dress-boyo, you're eedder fer me or agin'
me, wot's et gonna be?"
        Sam/Connor/plaid-man scrunched up his brow trying to decipher the
Screed-speak, but decided to just do what the nice teen with the sword
seemed to want, he stepped through the clock.
        "Dat's roight," Maya whacked him on the kilted rear with the flat part
of her pilfered sword, "Fer yer own good et es, who en knows wot Dru
would do wit tha likes o' you?"  She made to follow, but then she heard
the sounds of a woman singing 'London Bridges' off key and knew Dru was
almost there, "No time!" She mumbled, slamming the clock/door shut, she
ran down the hall.  She was a little worried about letting an obvious
nut-ball loose in the Mansion's walls by himself, but hey, what was one
more?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 9, continued in part ten.  Comments and macrami mice to
anteros@juno.com

Usual disclaimers, no money, no shoes, no service.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (10/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Meanwhile in the Library, DP Thugs Kristen and Jenny #3, were just
showing out-of-town guests Herc and Iolus their 'Fuzzy Wuzzy's Funny
Animal Pop-Up Book,' (which was on loan to them from their friend Jim)
when in a sudden blast of glorious techno-colored lights two aliens
beamed into the party!  (But they were holding invitations, so it was all
right.)
        "Cower before me puny mortals!"  One alien yelled at the top of his
buggy little lungs.
        Herc and Iolus leapt in front of the two Dark Perks to protect them from
the aliens, but the girls just shoved their way to the forefront and
waved. "Hi Zorak!  Hi Brak!"
        "Hiya Kristen, hiya Kristen's friend!"  Brak waved back, "We brung ya
onion dip!"
        "Yeah, yeah," That epitome o' cool Mantises, Zorak, shook his head,
"Great party, thanks for inviting us, yada, yada, yada, where's Mary?"
        Kristen pointed in the general direction of the kitchen, took Brak's arm
and led him towards the ballroom (where she could already hear the rumba
calling her name.)
        As the aliens left, Herc and Iolus breathed a sigh of relief.
When Jenny #3 realized she'd just been left alone with two oiled up Greek
hunks, she sighed too.  (but it wasn't in relief baby!)  Then the Thug
smiled broadly and pulled out an even better book to show them.  Not as
funny as Jim's book, but a heck of a better mood setter, it was lesser
known work of Karl Marx's  the 'Commie Sutra.'    (**Author's note: bad,
bad pun, I know  I just couldn't help it!)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Elsewhere, Giles, Kimmer and Duncan (slackin' Duncan not kilt Duncan)
were making their way into the Mansion.  They passed Zorro and Ren
fencing on the back lawn, circled around Buffy and John-Travis's archery
practice, dodged around Miranda and Lucard's impromptu hopscotch
championship and went inside.
        The Mansion was in chaos, people were screaming, things were being
thrown, fights had broken out everywhere.  (Basically, the party was
going well.)  Kimmer grabbed a hold of the nearest Thug's arm (who
happened to be Maya) and hauled her to a stop.  "Have you seen Tracy?"
        "Tracy?"  The teen stopped, she'd lost Dru for the time being, and
scratched her head.  "You know, not in a while, wonder where she got to "
        "Never mind Ms. Vetter," Giles spoke up, "Have you seen a man with a
sword running and waving it about?"
        Maya looked at the Englishman, "You're going to have to be a bit more
specific, this is a DP party after all."  She lifted her own pilfered
sword and showed it to him.
        "He's naked too!"  Duncan chimed in.
        "Oh!"  Maya nodded, "Yeah, he went that a way," She pointed.  "Say, he
wasn't on the guest list was he?"
        "I don't think so," Kimmer shook her head and headed off in the
direction Maya had pointed with Duncan and Giles hot on her heels.
        "Hey!"  Maya called to her, "What are you going to do when you find
him?"
        "Cut off his head of course!"  Kimmer yelled back.
        "Oh, okay," Maya shrugged and then looked up again, "You might need this
then!"  She tossed Kimmer her sword.
        Kimmer caught it easily, "Thanks!"  She smiled and headed down the hall.
        "No problemo," Maya saluted her fellow dark perk delinquent and decided
to go look for Tracy herself, maybe she could help her find a way to get
rid of her wannabe sister!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Down the hall, Nick was making his way towards his prone master, when
all of the sudden a man with a sword, clad in the most stylish of fig
leaves, came barging in the door and began threatening him in Greek.
        Unfortunately Nick didn't speak Greek, but from the sword swinging he
figured out the gist of it.  Grabbing a near by battle ax, (it was
hanging on the wall, right next to the chain saw and directly under the
'In case of Decaf' sign) Nick raised the weapon high and engaged the
naked Methos in furious battle.
        Across the hall, Xander and Anna started to come out of a secret
passage, but saw what was going on and decided to go back to the DP Ninja
Cave for the rest of the evening.
        Sam/Connor/Guy-#2-in-a-kilt also started to come out of his secret
passageway, but then saw what was going on and decided to faint.  A
moment later he lay on the ground, just his kilted rump peeking out of
the secret passageway behind the two-ton ant farm.
        Nick and Methos continued to fight furiously, banging and clanging their
way up and down the Mansion's crowded halls.  Most guests just strolled
into the numerous rooms when they saw the two fighters approaching, but
Klaus and Shana were  distracted.  In fact, they didn't even notice Nick
and the fig-leafed wonder until they smashed right into them.
        "What the-?!"  Shana yelled as she was jammed into a suit of pink
samurai armor, "Will you two watch where you're-" She broke off as she
found herself staring into Methos's blood-crazed eyes.
Methos was grinning at Shana, and Shana was -not- grinning back. When he
made a grab for her, she started running, he chased her.
        Just then Nick and Klaus caught sight of each other.
        "Hey!"  Nick grinned, "You look just like me!"
        Klaus growled, realizing that this must be the 'Nick' Shana had mistaken
him for earlier.  Meaning this was the 'Nick' she found attractive.  With
a savage growl, Klaus leapt at Nick's throat.  The ax fell to the floor
(and was quickly carried away by 'helpful' demons riding some over-grown
dust bunnies.)
        As coincidence would have it (and coincidence would) this was the exact
same moment that Vachon, Carly and Joxer came marching around the corner
(singing 'Kill the Wabbit' in their best Fuddian voices.)
        "There's the crasher!" Joxer pointed wildly.
        "But that's Nick!" Vachon blinked, "And, uh, Nick.  We can't do anything
to them, Lacroix will kill us!"
        Just then, Giles, Duncan and Kimmer came running down the hall.
"Where's the naked statue?!"  Kimmer yelled, waving the sword Maya had
given her around.
        Carly, Vachon and Joxer looked at her with wide eyes and shrugged as
one.
        "You're no help!"  Kimmer yelled, then caught sight of Nick and Klaus
wrestling on the floor, rolling towards the nearby Study doors,  "Hey,
where'd the extra vampire come from?"
        "Vampire?!"  Giles, Duncan and Joxer yelped.
        "Eric didn't say anything about any vampires!" Joxer exclaimed, cramming
his helmet harder onto his head and heading back to the bar, "I'm a
mighty warrior, not a succubus slayer!"
        Giles looked around and mumbled to himself, "I must find Buffy," before
heading off to look for his charge.
        "A vampire?"  Duncan smiled, "Neat."
        Kimmer grinned at the slacker, "You know, you're kinda cute in a Vaquero
sorta way."
        "You think so?"  Duncan smiled back at her, then his brows furrowed,
"Wait, doesn't Vaquero mean 'cowboy'?"
        But before she could answer, the two vampires had rolled straight
through the Study doors.  They tumbled over each other in a blur of
blonde manliness that oh so many Knighties would have killed to have
witnessed.  (Well, maybe not -killed-, but some would definitely have
entertained the thought of pushing their grandmothers into traffic for
tickets.)
        "Ack!"  Bev and Laura yelped, leapt to their feet and dodged to either
side of the sofa as Nick and Klaus's fight took them right across the
hardwood floor and right into the furniture.  Their momentum upturned the
sofa and sent the two corpses flopping to the ground right on top of the
combatants.
        Vachon, Carly, Kimmer and Duncan stood in the doorway, staring at the
twisted knot of bodies on the ground with undisguised shock.  Neither
Nick or Klaus seemed to notice that the people suddenly dumped on top of
them weren't actually involved in their fight. Everyone watched in shock
as Nick and Klaus punched and kicked the carcasses even as they continued
to battle each other.  Nick had Aries in a headlock, as he kick Klaus in
the gut and Klaus noogied Lacroix as he attempted to give Nick an 'atomic
wedgie.'
        "Is he?  Are they-?"  Carly couldn't finish, she just pointed at the
Lacroix and Aries and made a noise like, "fffft."
        Vachon, detecting no heartbeats, nodded, "Yeah, they're definetly
'fffft.'"
        Laura and Bev realized very quickly that it would be everyone's best
interests (especially theirs) to keep Nick from noticing that two of the
people he was fighting were already dead.  (dead dead, not undead dead)
Especially that one of the dead dead was Lacroix's dead undead corpse.
They knew that Nick would probably 'get medieval' on their collective
hineys if he found out Lacroix was dead, and while they were relatively
upset that the master vamp was currently 'living impaired,' they weren't
quite yet ready to call it quits themselves.
        "I'll teach you to inspire lust!"  Klaus screamed in Nick's face.
        "What the heck are you talking about!" Nick growled, "Never mind, I
don't care, you're going down!"
        "Shana's mine!"  Klaus bellowed, trying to kick Nick in the groin but
missed and kneed Aries instead.
        "We've got to do something!"  Bev yelled at Laura, really hoping that
Klaus hadn't done any permanent damage to her favorite war god.
        Laura nodded, "I know that!  But what!"
        Just then Kimmer got an idea. "Quick!  The minibar!"
        Carly looked at her, "What?!  Aren't you a bit young for that?!"
        Realizing that her fellow Thugs thought she was a lush, the teen raced
to the minibar and drew out a bottle of chloroform and two bar rags.
        "Why do you have that in the bar?"  Duncan took a few cautious steps
into the Library, trying to keep an eye on the two fang-faced brawlers
and the cute Thug at the same time.
        Kimmer gave him an odd look, "This is -DP- Mansion."  She told him as if
that explained everything, which, as any Dark Perk would know, it did.
Quickly striding to Bev and Laura's sides, Kimmer handed each blonde a
rag and doused them (the rags not Laura and Bev) with chloroform.  "Okay,
let's get him."
        "Which one is which?"  Bev asked much confused as she peered down at the
two vamps.
        "Who cares!" Laura announced, "Let's just do 'em both!"
        And with that, the Thugs (plus Vachon and Duncan) leapt atop the two
wrestling vampires.
        Since the vampires weren't exactly expecting a gang of mortals (and a
toga wearin' Vachon) to jump them while they were fighting bitterly to
the death, it actually wasn't too hard for Vachon, Kimmer, Carly and
Duncan to hold Klaus and Nick down while Bev and Laura pressed the fuming
cloths to their mouths and noses (again, the vamps not their friends.)
Soon the vampires stopped struggling and lay limp on the floor.
        The Dark Perks, Vachon and Duncan climbed to their feet and looked down
at the clump of bodies on the floor, two corpses, two unconscious
doplegangers.
        "Ya know," Duncan looked at Kimmer, breathing heavily, "I think this is
the best party I've ever been to."
        Suddenly the power went out and everything went black.
        Kimmer sighed, "Well, ya know, never a dull moment at a Dark Perk
party."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 10, continued in part 11.  Comments and guesses as to why the
power went out to anteros@juno.com

Usual and bizarre disclaimers located in the beginning, this is not the
beginning, so don't look for them here.  (**Note: I don't actually like
Mulder, but it works well in the story)


The Dark Perks Throw a Party (11/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        "Fox!"  Mary yelled.
        The FBI agent glared at her.
        "Mulder!   I mean Mulder!"  Mary ran an exasperated hand through her
frost covered hair, they'd been in the cooler for awhile now and were
both starting to turn blue, "What the heck are you doing?!"
        "Just hold on a sec," The agent forced past gritted teeth as he jammed
his upper torso behind the crate of frozen half&half at the back of the
meat locker, "I've almost got it "
        Suddenly the fan blowing cold air at their heads shut off,
unfortunately, so did the lights.  (Of the whole mansion!)
        "What did you do?"  Mary blinked at the darkness and rummaged around her
pockets for a lighter, she didn't smoke, but all junior members of the
pyromaniacs club (which many of the DP belonged to) tended to carry one
none the less.
        "I just cut the power," Mulder pulled back and smiled at his own
cleverness (of course, it was dark so no one saw) "Now hopefully it'll
warm up a bit."
        "Great," Mary sighed, and giving up on finding her bic, sat on a box of
fish heads, (Ooey-Gooey Brand, 'Mmm, mmm, yummy!') "So instead of
freezing to death we can just suffocate."  She pulled the coat, the one
she'd demanded Mulder give her, tighter around herself.
        "Someone will find us before that," Mulder insisted, groping along the
wall and then sitting beside her.
        "Hey!  What are you doing!" Mary jumped as she felt him throw an arm
around her.
        "Conserving heat," Mulder laughed humorlessly, "Don't worry, I'm not
trying to seduce you."
        "Your loss," Mary sniffed and cuddled against his chest.
        There was a beat of silence, "So tell me," Mulder started casually, "Are
you the head of a multi-national supernatural conspiracy bent on world
domination?"
        "From your perspective?"  Mary thought about that for a moment then
sighed, "Yeah, guess I am.  Not that that's going to do us any good now."
 Her teeth started chattering.
        "Guess not," Mulder agreed, surprised by her honesty.  "Things could be
worse you know."
        "Yeah," Mary snorted, "A madman could come barging in and kill us before
hypothermia sets in."
        "Actually," Mulder corrected, "I was thinking, the company could be
worse."
        Mary sighed and leaned into him, "Yeah, could be worse."
        Then, Mulder kissed her.
        Mary's eyes widened and would have fallen off the crate of fish heads,
except he was holding her tight against him.  "Wait, wait, what the, oh "

        Suddenly, the secret panel at the back of the cooler burst open and
Connor/Sam/guy-#2-in-a-kilt came barging in (with a grapefruit sized bump
on his noggin.)  He held up his match and illuminated the um, er,
slightly warmer Mary and Mulder.
        Mary pulled back and gasped as the eerily lit Scot (with his big oozing
head wound) stumbled into the cooler, her most recent comment about
madmen still ringing in her ears.
        "Who are you?!" Mulder demanded, he leapt to his feet to protect Mary,
but slipped on a loose frappacinno pop and crashed to the floor.
        "Who are they Al?"  The Quantum Leapin' Highland cross-dresser asked his
invisible friend.
        Mulder drew his gun, realizing that this guy definitely wasn't playing
with a full deck.  "Who are you?"  He demanded again.
        The most befuddled tartan clad physicist jumped forward as his match
burned down to his fingers, the panel swung shut behind him, "Oh cr*p!"
        "Please tell me we can get that door open from this side," Mary
whispered in the dark, but pretty much knew she wasn't that lucky.
        Mulder pushed himself to his feet, passed the Scot and felt along the
wall, "Can't feel anything."
        "Of course not," Mary griped and pulled the coat tighter, she next
turned to where she was pretty sure the kilt-wearer was now, "So, you a
madman bent on killing us or what?"
        Mulder growled and pushed Connor/Sam/cold-knees to the wall, "You'd
better not touch her!"
        "I won't!  I wasn't!"  He cried, "I was just looking for this teenage
girl I scared when I leapt into this body and this other girl shoved me
into a clock, then I was trapped behind the wall and when I finally got
out, there were these two blonde vampires fighting, fangs and yellow eyes
and I, I guess I fainted, but when I woke up I was back in the wall "  He
started to hyperventilate, "Then I found another door, this one, and it
led to you two making out and you had a gun, the door closed and now  now
the wall's really cold and my kilts riding up.  And all I want is for you
to let me go!"
        "That's what they all say!" Mulder snarled.
        "Are you going to shoot him?" Mary asked, her mood seemed to brighten
somewhat.
        "You want me to?" The agent asked with an arched brow.  (Again, dark, no
one saw.)
        "Oh, I suppose not," Mary sighed, "You think we're all going to die in
here?"
        "Die?"  Connor/Sam/Queen o' the Desert promptly fainted again.
        "Great," Mulder let him slump to the floor.

        Suddenly the cooler door was yanked open, light flooded in and showed
exactly what happens when you let a guy in a kilt slump to the floor, as
well as Mary and Mulder (who'd been about to 'get warm' again)
        "Mary!"  Zorak yelled, "Get off that human and get out here! You
promised we could dentate the Semtex/C-4 if I got here before dawn!"
        Mulder looked up and saw the giant alien mantis (carrying the flaming
fondue pot) and screamed like a little girl.  "Alien!"  He shot to his
feet and dropped Mary unceremoniously to the ground, drawing his gun
(Again, gosh, he sure is fond of that thing isn't he?  And I thought
Tracy had a problem!)  he began pumping Zorak full of lead.
        "No!"  Mary yelled, "No shooting the party guests!"
        At that moment, Connor/Sam/li'l-Bo-Peep regained consciousness and,
seeing that Mulder was shooting (and laughing like a madman as he did
so), tackled the FBI agent and sent them both crashing into the side of
llama hanging along the far wall.
        The gunfire stopped.
        Mary climbed to her feet. She looked at Zorak, "You okay?"
        He nodded, coughing up a big molten ball that had so recently been a
round of bullets, "Just dandy, puny human weapons can't hurt me ya know."
        Mary smiled, then walked over and looked down at the two men, they were
out cold.  "Just wonderful."  She griped.
        "Can I eat their heads?"  Zorak asked hopefully.
        "No you can not eat their heads!" Mary glared, "Come on, help me get
them out of here."
        "How about just their skin?"  The alien asked, grabbing Mulder's feet
and pulling him out into the kitchen proper.
        "No."  Mary hauled the other one out.  They pushed the two men under the
kitchen table, then Mary got a tablecloth and hid them from view, "Well,
that's about all we can do for them now."
        Zorak raised one buggy eyebrow at her callous cruelty, "I knew I liked
you."
        Mary rolled her eyes, "Yeah, what I live for, come on, let's see if we
can find the circuit breaker."
        "But I wanna blow something up!" The mantis whined.
        "Later!  The power first!"  Mary shot back, "And remember, guns might
not work but I know what will!"
        Zorak grumbled, "Fine, we'll fix the power, but it's after midnight, I
get time and a half."
        "Right," Mary laughed, leading Zorak (and his flaming fondue) down the
stairs to the basement.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Meanwhile, on the other end of the Mansion (and from the basement that
would be the attic) Spike was looking for Dru when he climbed the last of
the stairs and found a curious medieval torture device sitting in one
corner.
        Now since it was pitch black, Spike had allowed his features to slip
back into vamp-mode.  Stepping into the attic to get a better look at
what seemed to be a cross between a rack and an iron maiden, Spike next
noticed that someone was currently tied into it!
        It was a girl, about 5'6, pale, with dark brunette hair and wide blue
eyes. She was dressed in a dark pink t-shirts and cargo pants with big
black boots on her feet.  Of course, she was gagged too, a piece pink
fabric was shoved in her mouth.  Spike stared down at her in the dark,
she couldn't see him, so he had plenty of time to look her over.  He
liked what he saw.
        Striding to the attic's small window (ignoring the guano squishing
beneath his boots) Spike pulled back the blackout drapes and let the
light of the full moon stream in.  He looked back at the girl, she looked
ridiculously glad to see him, vampire face and all.
        He walked back to her side, "Well, well, what do we have here?"
        "Murgf, ig rulisghe!" She said.
        Spike frowned, "If I want you to answer I guess I'll have to get rid of
the gag, huh cutie?"
        She nodded.
        Spike pulled at the gag, which turned out to be a severed stuffed bunny
head jammed in her mouth, "Oh that's just " The vampire couldn't seem to
think of an adjective, just tossed the soggy plush head aside and
grimaced.
        "Thanks!"  The girl shot him a sunny smile, "That was really starting to
bug me!  Oh, I'm Dee Dee by the way."
        He found himself smiling back, "I'm Spike."
        Dee Dee grinned, "'Spike,' I like that."
        He was getting confused now, why wasn't she begging him to let her go?
The vampire shook his head, "You want me to untie you?"
        Dee Dee seemed to think about that, "I guess, though this -is- good for
my back."
        Spike wasn't sure if she was kidding or not, but he began taking the
leather bindings off her anyway.  It just wasn't any fun if they enjoyed
it.  "So who put you up here, and why?  Ugly step sisters want to keep
Cinderella from the ball?"
        Dee Dee laughed, "Nah, I'm doing an English paper, the teacher said we
had to write about an interesting place we've been but done nothing at.
I wanted to get locked in the Caddy's truck and driven around for a few
hours, but Mary vetoed that because there might be a carbon-dioxide
leak."
        Spike nodded, not really understanding, but it's what Dee Dee seemed to
want.
        "So this was my second choice," Dee frowned, "Though I could have done
without the bunny head, guess my fellow Dark Perks got a little too 'into
it.'"
        As Spike released the last restraint, Dee Dee sat up, "So, you a friend
of Tracy's?"
        "Who?"
        "Tracy, I just assumed 'cause of the," Dee Dee pointed at her own face,
indicating the vampiness of Spike's own.
        "Oh this?  Um, er, it's just make-up, thought it was a costume party, ya
know how it goes luv." Spike told her.
        "Really?  Thought you were an Enforcer," Dee Dee reached up and touched
Spike's brow, then flicked a finger across his fangs.
        He growled, a good growl though, apparently he liked that.  "Say, you
want to go somewhere?"
        "Now?"  Dee Dee climbed to her feet, "Like where?"
        "Somewhere more romantic," Spike thought for a moment, where could he
take the pretty brunette?  Someplace pesky FBI agents were sure not to
disturb them?  "There a graveyard around here?"
        "Down the block," Dee Dee smiled, and taking his arm, the two made their
way to their first (and maybe last) date.
>>>>>>>>>>>>
End part 11, continued in part 12.  (by the way, I actually considered
the trunk thing for an English paper, ended up writing about a bus I met
a porn star on instead though (eg))  Send comments and dead floral
corsages to anteros@juno.com

Disclaimers and other pathetic attempts at humor located at the
beginning.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (12/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Once she'd put her mind to finding Tracy, Maya was like a junk-yard dog
with a bone (meaning she went outside, sniffed some trees, buried
someone, er, I mean -something- and took a nap under the porch)  When she
woke up, she went off to look for Tracy.
        Surprisingly enough, finding her oh-so-nifty faction leader didn't prove
too difficult.  After only twenty minutes of investigation, she even
looked in Nick's trunk just to be sure (and left a big scratch where she
picked the lock) Maya found Tracy out behind the garage sharing a bottle
of scotch with a rather attractive stony-faced man.  And since they
didn't see her, Maya decided to be a good little Thug and eaves drop.
        "Come on Ms. Vetter, you'd make a wonderful operative," The man
insisted, taking the bottle as Tracy handed it to him and taking a long
draught.
        "I already told you Mr. Samuelle, Michael," she corrected at his frown,
"I'm a Toronto Homicide Detective, I-"
        "But you could be so much more!"  The strangely magnetic man exclaimed,
"and it's not like Section One will give you any choice anyway " he added
under his breath.
        Tracy growled, "I think they'll find I'm a bit difficult to get around,
and faking my death won't stop me from coming back to Toronto anyway,"
Tracy laughed, "Not by a long shot!"
        "The life of an Op is difficult," Michael allowed, "But a covert
anti-terrorist group -is- necessary, and it'll be so much easier for you
if you join  willingly."
        Tracy snorted, "Not gonna happen."
        "It'll be so much easier " He looked at her, "for us."
        Tracy looked like she was seriously considering his request, but then
sighed, "I can't, I have responsibilities here, I-"
        "Stubborn woman," And with that, he kissed her.

        Maya stumbled back towards the house, "Um, maybe I'll just let them be
for now," she told herself, Tracy would probably break her knee caps if
she interrupted now!  Maya made a mental not to keep Vachon away from the
garage and was just deciding what to do next when she heard the off-key
singing of 'We are Family,' coming towards her.  "Dru!"  Maya's eyes
widened and she ran back into the house.
>>>>>>>>>>>
        Back on the basement stairs, Zorak and Mary were fiddling with the fuse
box.
        "No, no, stupid human!" The alien bug yelled at her, "It's this one!"
He yanked a wire and immediately started shaking as 10,000 volts shot
through him.
        Mary watched for a minute, then picked up a near-by broom and swatted
him away from the current.  She walked over and looked down at his
slightly smoking greenness, "Alright?"
        "S'alright."
        Mary turned back to the box, "Like I said, it's this switch."  And with
that, she yanked the pink lever and the power switched back on, "Let
there be light," The philosophy major grinned blasphemously.
        "Hey," Zorak crawled over to the base of the stairs and peered over the
edge, "What's with your floor?"
        Mary glanced over her shoulder, "It's living jellO of course."
        Zorak gave her a withering look, "I -know- that, I meant why is there a
werewolf in it?"
        "What?"  Mary walked over and peered down into the jellO, sure enough,
Oz (now in wolfie-form) lay suspended about eight feet down.  (Failing
finding a real lake to jump in, per Dru's instruction, he'd settled on
the viscous pink lake that filled the Mansion's cellar and was now
resting peacefully.)  "Well, there's something you don't see everyday!"
        "Ya don't say?"  Zorak cracked sarcastically, "Let's get him out of
there."
        "Okay, but I don't know how we're- hey, no, Ack!"  Her words were cut
off as Zorak grabbed her ankles and plunged her head first into the
jellO's squishy depths.
        Mary fought the drowsiness as it threatened to overtake her senses, she
groped blindly in the jellO and at last felt her hand close around the
sticky fur of the submerged guitar-playing werewolf.  She dug her fingers
into the fur and felt Zorak begin to pull her and the dog-faced boy out.

        Minutes later Mary sat glaring at the two humanoid males as Zorak towel
dried the stupefied canine, yet left her to fend for herself.  Covered in
dark pink goo, her dress was now completely ruined, and her hair, well,
she didn't even want to think about it!
        "He's so cool!" The mantis told her, "I can train him to rip Space
Ghost's face out, I just know it!  Bwhahahaha!"
        Mary shrugged, "Yeah, whatever."  She climbed to her feet, "I'm going to
go take a shower.  Take care of," She gestured at the werewolf, "Who ever
that is for awhile okay?"
        "Of course!"  The mantis blink, "You know you can trust me!"
        Mary cringed, "I know I -can't-," then she yawned as the sleep-inducing
qualities of the jellO started to make themselves known, "But I need a
shower, and maybe a nap."  She made her way clumsily upstairs.
        Zorak waited until she was out of earshot before laughing evilly again.
        "Mwhahahahahahahaha!"
>>>>>>>>>>>
        Elsewhere, Shana ripped down the hall, trying desperately to get away
from Mr. Fig-leaf, "Why does this kind of thing always happen to me?"
She asked the cosmos.
        The cosmos failed to answer.
        Just then, from the other direction, Maya came running full tilt down
the hall.
        "Maya!"
        "Shana!"
        <<BAM!>>
        The two Dark Perks plowed into each other.  "Oomph!"
        Maya leapt to her feet and put a hand down to help the dazed Shana up,
"Quick, I've got this crazy person after me and-"
        "Tell me about it," Shana griped, "Anyway, mine's ten times worse and-"
        "Is not!"
        "Is too!"
        "Is too."
        "Is not!"
        "Ha!"  Maya laughed.
        "Doh!" Shana glared at the teen before casting a look over her shoulder,
"Oh no!  Here he comes, quick lets-"  She looked behind Maya, only to see
Dru barreling down the hall, "Oh heck!"
        Maya and Shana looked at each other, "Only one thing left to do now."
        Shana nodded, and both Thugs shut their eyes really, really tight and
hoped something would happen.
        'Something' did.
        Methos saw Dru, Dru saw Methos, and Cupid's arrow struck.  It was love
at first sight.  They immediately forgot all about the two Thugs.
        Circling around each other, the insane immortals needed no words to
convey their feelings.  Without uttering so much as a syllable, their
eyes locked and they decided to go to where they truly belonged
Washington DC.
        When Maya and Shana opened their eyes, they were gone.
        "What?" Maya looked at her friend, "So where'd they go?"
        "I've learned it's better not to look a gift horse in the mouth," Shana
shrugged, "If for no other reason then they're usually foaming.  Come on,
let's go find the others."
        "The other Thugs?"
        "No, the other foaming horses," Shana cracked, grabbing Maya's arm and
pulling her towards the kitchen, "But first, coffee."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Back in the study, the assembled party continued to stare down at the
bodies.  (Now that the lights were back on it made the staring a lot
easier.)
        "So what the heck are we going to do now?"  Carly asked, tearing her
eyes away from Lacroix's bare chest  (his shirt had been torn off by
Aries remember) and looking at Laura.  "With four bodies?"
        "I don't know!  Where does anyone hide a body in this town?!"  Laura
asked, then her eyes lit up, "Tracy will know!  Let's go find-"
        "Why would Tracy know?"  Vachon asked with a frown, "Tracy is a sweet
and innocent-"
        He was interrupted when the women all began laughing and rolling around
the floor.
        "Yeah, right!"  Kimmer gasped for air, "And the Dark Perks are just a
nice little chat group that exchanges recipes and makes doilies!"
        Vachon's frown deepened, "If you 'ladies,' and I use the term loosely,
know something I-"
        "Hey!"  Bev growled, "Watch it toga boy!"
        Vachon's eyebrows shot up, he opened his mouth to comment, but Bev kept
right on ranting and didn't let him get so much as a word in.
        "You're lucky we even let you come in here!  If I had -my- way, your
invitation would have been sent to anyone but you, even Jerry Tate
would've been more interesting, at least he has a job! The DP like
bikers, but you've got to be the most-"
        Vachon's eyes started glowing a deep bloody red. Laura, Carly, Duncan
and Kimmer each took a step back, it was pretty obvious Bev wasn't long
for this world.
        "Uh-oh," Bev swallowed audibly  she might have gone a tad too far.
        "You, you,"  Vachon hissed past descended fangs as he tried to come up
with a word that would express his rage, he gave up and took a step
towards Bev, his red eyes locked on her throat.
        <<CLANG!>>
        Suddenly there was a resounding bell-like noise as Vachon was struck
from behind by a heavy brass candlestick.
        "Ooh, look at all the pretty vampire bats!" Vachon sighed in glee, then
slumped to the floor.
        Bev's eyes flew up to meet her savior's.  "Trish!"
        The Dark Perk brunette grinned, "Hi guys!" She waved merrily, "So, why
do we have all the vampires unconscious in the Study?"
        "Actually," Carly piped up, "Aries is a war god, and Lacroix and him are
dead."
        Trish's eyes went wide, "Dead dead?"
        "No," Laura assured her, "Just a temporary condition, the angel of death
assured us."
        "Oh, okay."  Trish smiled and put her dented candlestick on the
credenza.  "Ooo!  That one's cute!"
        Kimmer looked to where she was pointing, "That's Aries, god of war."
        "A military man," Trish grinned, "Gotta love that."
        Duncan cleared his throat and raised his hand, "Not to interrupted or
anything, but what are we going to do with all these bodies?  Shouldn't
we, I don't know, get them out of the house before they wake up, or dawn
comes, or something?"
        "You're so smart!" Kimmer gushed and made doe eyes at the slacker.
        "You think so?"  Duncan was just about to melt into a puddle of goo at
Kimmer's feet when Laura smacked him on the back of the head with the
flat of her hand.
        "No time for that now Romeo," Laura told him while glaring at the
temptress Kimmer, "Pick a body and take it somewhere.  We got to get 'em
all out of here before the sun comes up, otherwise they'll be trapped
with us all day, and I doubt any of them are going to wake up happy!"
        Trish nodded, "I'll take Aries!"  And with that, she started hauling him
towards the Mansion's the stairs  to her bedroom?
        "Bet you will," Carly giggled under her breath, "Um, I pick Vachon, I'll
go find SC and we'll tuck him in all nice and cozy back at the church."
At Bev's worried look she added, "And convince him that the party was all
a very bad dream."
        "Remember to get rid of the evidence," Laura reminded her.
        "What evide-"  Carly trailed off, "Oh yeah, that toga will have to go."
She grinned evilly and, dragging Vachon with her, went off to find SC.
        "Don't know who's gonna want Klaus," Kimmer chewed her bottom lip.
        "Isn't there, I don't know, somewhere we can put him?"  Duncan asked.
        Kimmer's eye lit up, "Of course!  The basement!"  And she and Duncan
picked up the insane Nick-look-alike and carried him out.
        So it was that Bev and Laura were alone with Lacroix and Nick's bodies.

"I'll take Lacroix," Bev announced, grabbing the General's hands and
pulling him towards the door.
"No way!" Laura grabbed his feet, "He's mine!"
        Each Thug pulled fiercely on Lacroix's limbs; a savage tug-of-war
breaking out between them.  Finally a loud popping noise sounded as
several of his vertebrae separated.
        "Stop!"  Laura dropped his legs, "We're going to break him!"
        Bev laughed, "Like he can't fix it!"  Then the blonde looked up with a
surprised expression and seemed to look just beyond Laura's left
shoulder, "Oh look, Jake Blues!"
        "Where?!"  Laura spun around.
        "Ha!  Sucker!  He left at the witching hour with his brother!"  And with
that Bev, moving faster than anyone had ever seen her go, ran from the
Study hauling Lacroix behind her.
        "No!"  Laura's voice cracked, she looked like she was about to cry.  She
looked down at the only body left, Nick.  Well, she certainly didn't want
him!  She kicked him in the ribs and left him there.  Stumbling down the
hall she whimpered to herself, "I should have got him, I deserve him
more!"
        "Ah, vanity, my favorite sin," A deep melodious voice sounded behind
her.
        Spinning around, Laura beheld a dark hared man with a devilish twinkle
in his eyes.  "Excuse me?"
        "Nothing," He shot her a lop-sided grin, "Just wondering what a woman as
beautiful as you was doing all alone at a party like this"
Laura blinked, "Oh."
>>>>>>>>>
End part 12, continued in lucky 13!  Send all comments and doily making
kits to anteros@juno.com

And so we reach the end.  Woohoo!  Disclaimers and other ramblings to be
found at the beginning.

The Dark Perks Throw a Party (13/13)
        By: Cousin Mary

        Shana and Maya made their way into the kitchen, they poured themselves
each a nice mug of 'Brazilian Biting Ninja Dog Brew'  (celebrating these
moments of their lives) and sat down at the kitchen table.
        "Ah, this is good," Maya sighed.
        Shana nodded, crossing her long legs under the table, her foot hit
something.  "What the-?" She frowned and nudged it again.
        "Och! Would ya stop with yer kickin' already?!"
        The Thugs jumped up and tore the table cloth away to reveal two men.
        "Who the f-," Shana stopped, looked over at her teenage companion,
"fudgicals are you?!"
        "I'm Connor MacLeod," the no-longer-possessed Scot declared, "Of tha
Clan MacLeod."
        "Well, la de da," Shana smirked, "Who's your friend?"
        "Wot?"  Connor looked down at Mulder, "I 'ave no idea who 'e is."
        "Gee," Maya looked up and down the kilted Scot, "Don't even know his
name and you're  reveling under a table with him?  Hussy!"
        "Och!  Nah, I dinna, I don't know 'ow I came ta be under-"
        Shana and Maya burst out laughing.
        "Ah be quiet ya wenches!"  Connor's face turned bright red, "I don't
need this, I'm findin' me clans man an' leavin' this looney-bin!"
        And with that, he stormed off.  Maya flipped his kilt up as he passed.
        "I see London, I see "  Shana's eyes went wide, "Whoa, I guess I see
what is that, Edinburgh?"
        Connor swatted Maya's hand away, glared at Shana and hurried out of the
room.
        Shana's eyes lit up, "Guess he didn't want to risk panty lines."
        "Guess not," Maya laughed, the friends clinked coffee mugs.
        "So," Shana looked down at the unconscious man. "Any ideas who he is?"
        "Only one way to find out," Maya crouched down and began riffling
through his pockets, finding his badge, "Uh-oh, 'Special Agent Fox Mulder
of the FBI.'"
        "Aw geez," Shana yelped, "The fuzz."
        "Isn't the 'fuzz' cops?"  Maya asked.
        "Well, what ever then!" Shana whispered through clenched teeth, "The
point is we can't let anyone find a knocked out FBI agent under the
kitchen table!"
        "Maybe he's just drunk?" Maya pointed out helpfully, leaning down to
take a good whiff.
        "Well?"
        "Mmm, Old Spice."
        "That doesn't help," Shana groaned, "And look at that knot on his
forehead, obviously someone whacked him!"
        "It was probably that transvestite, Connor MacLeod of the Clam
McNugget."  Maya said.
        "Yeah, but you think Tracy's really going to believe it wasn't one of
us?"  Shana asked with an arched brow.
        "Good point." Maya nodded, "So what do we do?"
        "I know, let's dump him in the jellO, we'll deal with him later, once
the party's broken up."  Shana suggested.

        Just then, Kimmer and Duncan came in hauling Klaus towards the basement
stairs and froze when they saw Maya and Shana standing there.
        "Oh!" Kimmer dropped her end, (Klaus's head only bounced a couple of
times on the tile floor.)  "We aren't, he, um."
        "S'okay, we're gonna dump one too," Shana pointed at Mulder.
        Duncan shook his head slightly, "This has got to be a dream, this can't
be happening."
        Maya nodded, "Just keep telling yourself that sweet cheeks."
        "Maya!" Kimmer scolded, "Mind your manners!"
        Shana gasped, "Klaus!  You're going to dump -my- Klaus?!"
        "Um," Kimmer looked down at the evil-Nick-alike, "We were, yeah.  Why,
you want him?"
        "Yes!" Shana nodded slowly.
        "Well," Kimmer shrugged, "Take him somewhere then."
        "Okee dokee," Shana started dragging Klaus towards her room.
        "Hey!" Maya exclaimed when everyone began to leave, "What about him?"
She pointed down at Mulder.
        "Who is he?"  Duncan asked.
        "He's an FBI agent, we we're going to put him in the jellO until we
could come up with something better."  Shana told him, eager to get her
vampire to a more secluded spot.
        "FBI?!" Kimmer gasped.
        "Special Agent in charge of supernatural and unexplained phenomenon,"
Maya read off his badge.
        "'Unexplained phenomenon'?  Like UFOs and stuff?" Duncan got a
thoughtful look, "Why don't we go leave him in a field somewhere?  With
any luck he'll think ET got him."
        "That's a great idea!"  Maya nodded, and her, Duncan and Kimmer hauled
him off towards the pinkmobile.
        "We're not gonna have to probe him are we?" Kimmer asked.
        "No!"  Duncan yelped, he'd only go so far, even if this were just a
dream.  Sydney was already going to have a field day analyzing this!

        After they were gone, Shana looked down at Klaus, who was just beginning
to stir, "Ah, alone at last."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
        Back in the Study, Nick began to wake.  "Ooh, I feel like death warmed
over," He groaned, then remembered what he was, "Oh yeah, guess that
makes sense."
        He got up slowly and looked around, he was in the Study of Dark Perk
Mansion.  Alone, confused and more than a little sore.  "Now what
happened, I was in the hall "  A flood of memories rushed his still
muddled brain, and, once he sorted through which ones had happened
tonight and which one were from the Battle of Hastings (which wasn't too
hard, given the fact that he hadn't been in the Battle of Hastings) a
deep frown marred his angelic face.
        Suddenly, over the PA system  (and this is really amazing since before
that night pretty much no one knew DP Mansion -had- a PA system) came the
cantankerous voice of the DP's house keeper, Mrs. Hitchcock.  "Attention
you rotten little no goods, and the guests too!  The party is over!
Sun's almost up and it's way past time all decent folk should be in bed!
Not that I think any of ya's -are- decent!  Anyway, get out!  Shoo!  Get
on now!  If ya don't live here, out!"  There was a loud screech of
feedback as the system was turned off.
        "Dawn?!"  Nick looked down at his watch, sure enough it was a quarter to
six!  "What the-?  How long was I out?"  He shook his head, no time to
worry about that now, he still had to find Nat and he had to do it before
the sun came up, he sure as heck didn't want to be trapped all day in the
Dark Perk Mansion!
        Nick rushed out into the hall, pushing his way passed all the grumbling
departing guests.
        "Nat?"  He called out, "Nat?!"

        "Down boy!  Heel, I said heel dammit!!"  Nick heard someone yell just as
he turned a corner.
        Then everything went black as a huge ball of fur leapt on his face.
        "Bad werewolf!  Down!"  Zorak yelled as Oz gnawed of Nick's head like a
chew toy.  "Don't make me get a rolled up news paper!"
        Just then, at exactly 5:47 EST, the moon set.
        "Oh, geez, sorry, I" Oz climbed off Nick, spitting out a blonde curl, "I
didn't mean "
        "You're no use to me now!"  Zorak yelled from behind him, Oz spun around
and jumped when he saw the giant mantis.  "Look at you, all pink and
soft!  Probably couldn't eat Space Ghost's face if you wanted to!"
        "Um, probably not," Oz agreed, watching in relief as the alien bug
stomped off.
        Oz looked down and helped the slightly damp detective stand, "Look,
sorry about that, I "  Oz looked down, and realizing he was naked (and
the house was still very much full of women) decided to cut his losses
and make a run for his van (where he always kept some spare clothes, just
in case.)  He left Nick and dashed off.

        Just then, Nat and her date came around the corner on their way out the
door.
        "Oh Nick!"  Nat rushed to his side as Nick sat up, (dazed again, but
this time also covered with doggie drool.)  "What happened?"
        Nick looked at her incredulously, "Better to ask what -didn't- happen!
Why the heck did you come to this party," he looked past Nat to her date,
"With that jerk?"
        The jerk in question raised a white brow.
        Nat gasped, "You were following me?"
        "Yeah, so?"  Nick glared at her, "What were you doing anyway, coming to
a DP party?!"
        "I think, my dear," Nat's date held out a hand and helped her to her
feet, "That granting his fantasy would be  a bit premature, I'm not sure
he's quite ready."
        "No!" Nat protest, "Mr. Roarke, he's ready, he's just  cranky, the last
batch of protein shakes  who knew he was allergic to soy?  I-"
        "Hush," Roarke put a finger to her lips, "He's not ready, but  perhaps
I'll see you at the next Dark Perk party?  Hmm?"
        Nat's shoulders slumped, "Yeah, next time."
        He leaned down and kissed her mouth gently, ignoring it when Nick
whacked him in the shin.  Then, with a snap of his fingers, he was gone.
        Nat sighed, then glared down at Nick, "You have no idea what you just
did."
        "You -kissed- him," Nick grumbled, climbing to his feet.
        Nat arched a brow, maybe Roarke was right, maybe Nick wasn't ready for
that fantasy yet.  Then again, maybe they wouldn't need his island to
make it happen   "And that bothers you?"  She asked.
        "Of course it does!" He snapped, the a pleading look came over his face,
"Don't you know you're mine Nat?"
        Despite herself a smile touched Nat's lips, "Oh I am am I?"
        "And I'm yours," Nick smiled back, leaning down and kissing her.
        When he pulled back Nat sighed contentedly.
        "Uh, Nat?"  Nick asked apologetically, "Can you, uh, maybe drive me
home?"
        "Home?"
        "In the trunk?"
        Nat glanced down at her watch, "Yeah, I guess so."
        "Thanks Nat, you're a trooper!"  Nick grinned, hurrying for the door (to
get to his car fast, really, he wasn't just running to get away from DP
Mansion, despite what you all think!  (eDPg))
        Nat smiled and shook her head, it had been quite a night, no denying
that.

        Just then, there came a loud ear-shattering --BOOM-- as Zorak and Dawson
detonated the Semtex/C-4 in the backyard.  Luckily, no one was hurt.
(Well, both MacLeods were thrown into the air and landed in Lake Ontario,
but they're immortal and got over it.)

        Nat shook her head again, she wasn't even going to bother to
investigate.  It was a DP party, these things were to be expected.  Yes,
it had been quite a night, and quite the party.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The end.  Send all comments, asprin and glasses of water to
anteros@juno.com