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Jokes, odds and ends |
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Jokes, odds and ends |
The Difference between the Perky-Perks and the Dark Perks:
The Perkulators have pink stuffed bunnies on their beds. |
So do Dark Perks, they're just headless pink stuffed bunnies. |
The Perkulators watch Friends. |
So do the Dark Perks, but only when -really- drunk and even then only because they heard a rumor Screed brought the monkey across. |
The Perkulators drink coffee. |
The Dark Perks drink -nothing- but coffee. |
The Perkulators would like to go to afternoon tea with Tracy. |
The Dark Perks want to go to the shooting range with Tracy. |
The Perkulators listen to Hanson and sing along. |
The Dark Perks listen to Nine Inch Nails at full volume and think about how much Vachon looks like Trent Reznor. |
The Perkulators wear heels. |
The Dark Perks know 57 ways to kill a man with a single pink pump. |
The Perkulators steer clear of Lacroix. |
The Dark Perks follow him around. |
The Perkulators think Vachon's bike is cool. |
The Dark Perks have repeatedly stolen the bike for joyrides. (But we only sold it once, a hey, where else were we going to get Trace's bail money?) |
The Perkulators don't go into Screed's hidey-hole because it's full of diseases. |
The Dark Perks go down there all the time. (They just bring Lysol and bleach to scrub the whole thing down with. And boy does that annoy him!) |
Perkulators look at perkiness as a way to be nice to people. |
Dark Perks look at perkiness as a good way to distract people from the fact that they're carrying guns. |
Perkulators spend countless hours wondering what Vachon looks like au natural. |
Dark Perks already know. |
Finally, the Perkulators hate the sight of blood. |
The Dark Perks notice that if you water it down a bit you can get a really neat shade of dark pink! |
The ABC's of Dark Perktopia
by: Cousin Mary
A is for Ammo (we've got a bunch)
B is for bunnies (and their heads which we clutch)
C is for coffee (without which we'd doze)
D is for Detective (you know how that goes)
E is for espresso (and all coffee bars)
F is for a fighting (always ready we are)
G is for guns (as we're known to carry)
H is for Harley (a pink one for Mary ;-)
I is for insubordinate (that was the statement)
J is for the jellO (filling our basement)
K is for killers (Tracy meets plenty)
L is for lattes (we chug them not gently)
M is for the Mansion (where we all live)
N is for neuro-toxins (which Jenn sometimes gives)
O is for 'Oh Canada' (the anthem Tracy sings)
P is for pink (all our clothes, bikes and rings)
Q is for Queenie (SC's pet pup)
R is for ribena jellO (on which some of us sup)
S is for staircase (and the shrines it contains)
T is for Tracy (the blonde with brains)
U is for Uncle (who we saw clad in only bubbles)
V is for Vachon (who's usually got stubbles)
W is for War (in which we just fought)
X is for X (which sometimes marks the spot
Y is for yelling (and how often we do)
Z is for Zoo (though what Nick drinks, usually goes Moo)
FK-TV…Ever think that with the ever expanding
possibilities of cable TV there should be a channel dedicated to just our favorite show?
Well, to flesh-out the line up a little I thought I’d offer up some suggestions for
spin-offs. (Aren’t I just so helpful?
Screed’s Playhouse: The irrepressible Screed teaches as well as entertains children ages 4-8, in this high-spirited romp through the Toronto sewers.
Dr. Lambert, Medical Examiner: Coming Thursday nights on FK-TV, set against the sweeping back-drop of classic American West, the saga of a lone women coroner fighting to make a life for herself (despite the fact that everyone she deals with is dead.)
Amigos: Javier Vachon leads an exciting ensemble cast including Urs, Screed, Tracy and Jody in this Generation X offering coming to Wednesday nights. When 5 friends decide to share one townhouse, twenty-something angst and romantic entanglements ensue.
Touched by an Inca: The sensitive tale of a man making the lives of all he encounters just a little better.
Lacroix’s Angels: An unseen mysterious man directs a trio of beautiful women (Tracy, Natalie, and Jeanette) in a super-secret crime fighting force in a new program coming this fall to FK-TV.
Utterly Ursula: After moving to the Big Apple Urs gets a job as entertainment editor at an up-and-coming magazine, she has big plans but clashes with new owner…Nick Knight.
Night Beat: The Dynamic Tracy Vetter plays an investigative reporter on the trail of serial killer, who may be the powerful entrepreneur Lucien Lacroix, and who just might be stalking her back.
Green Marshes: Yikes! It’s the Odd Couple meets Dracula, when a hilarious case of mistaken identity leaves Jeanette DuCharme and Natalie Lambert co-owners a Louisiana Bayou and a haunted hotel!
Schanke, PI: A laid-back retired cop, takes a dream job working as a gum shoe in sun-drenched Hawaii, with only the meddlesome Joe Reese to keep him from enjoying it!
Call your cable operator today and say, "I want my FK-TV!"
The 'Last Light' bulb Joke!
2 N&N Packers to figure out it's the bulb, but try to distract the Perk from that fact.
2 Vaqueras to know the truth but not tell the Perk.
3 Reese's Pieces to wander down the wrong hallway in search of a replacement bulb.
2 Cousins to point out that if the bulb hadn't been used by the Knighties it probably would still be shining.
2 Knighties to feel guilty because they never told the bulb it was unnecessary for it to burn for them.
4 NatPacker to claim it was the bulb's own fault it burned out.
3 Dark Perks to start yelling that if the bulb had -known- that it wasn't needed, it would have conserved it's energy.
3 Dark Knighties to try to get the old bulb out and end up breaking it
1 FoD to announce that there was no reason to change bulbs in the first place.
3 Ratpacker to collect all the shiny bits of broken glass.
4 Dark Perks to rig the broken bulb so it'll work again and threaten the crowd that if they bad mouth the new bulb they'll live to regret it!
Another version of the 'Last Light' bulb Joke!
The Knighties to angst over the loss of the original light bulb.
The Cousins to make sarcastic remarks on the process to screw it in.
The UF to make double entendres on LC and Nick screwing in the light bulb.
The Dark Perks to steal the first replacement bulb.
The FoDs to supply the second replacement bulb given to them by Schanke's 2nd cousin Harold.
The Cohenheads to nail Schanke for calling said cousin during his shift.
The Caddywhacks to dive Schanke's cousin Harold back home.
The Dark Knighties to gripe and criticise Schanke's cousin.
The N&N Pack to criticse the DKs.
The Ratpack to steal the second bulb because it's shiny.
The Reece's Pieces to compare the Ratpack to other kleptomaniac factions.
The Perks to supply fresh coffee and the third bulb. The Natpack to drink the coffee before the DPs spike it.
The Ravenettes to suggest a red bulb for mood.
The NAs to write a fantasy about Lacroix and a red bulb.
The GSS to take pictures of said fantasy.
The Vaqueros to agree to screw it in and then back out suddenly.
The Urchins to defend the Vaqueros' backing out.
The Light Cousins to hire the Mercs.
The Mercs to screw in the light bulb, only to have it busted by the Deviants... who are out to spoil everybody's fun.
And finally, the DieHards to pipe up and say, "We love you all anyways!"
Forever Nursery
-Cousin Mary
Nick and wife went up the hill,
To try and come across,
But Nick screwed up and took to much,
And Lacroix came chuckling after.
3 blind mice, 3 blind mice,
See how they run,
see how they fight,
if the farmer's wife doesn't get 'em,
Then Screed surly might!
Tracy, Tracy, Quite un-lacy,
How does you duffel bag grow?
With silver crosses and garlic cloves,
And pretty little stakes all in a row.
Lacroix be nimble,
Lacroix be quick,
Lacroix jumps over that flaming stick!
Javie had a little Inca,
His hair completely black,
And every where this Spaniard went,
His bro' was sure to track.
Valentine Nat was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was she,
She called for the Azure,
And she called for her Roman,
And she called him a ‘fiddler’ he-he!
Little Miss Tracy sat on a Harley,
Drinking her coffee and Scotch,
Along came a Spaniard and sat down beside her,
And frightened Miss Tracy, no way!
Little Janette sat in the corner,
Eating some Russian Guy,
She stuck in her fangs,
And ended her pangs ,
And said 'what a good vamp am I!'
