I sighed. Another day in the life of Rachel. Very dull and depressing, really. I mean, this was after the war. Everyone was dead. And I think it was all because of me.
 I tried too hard. I tried to kill all the Yeerks. I did a pretty good job, but then Visser Three sent out more Hork-Bajir. They killed my friends. And Tobias. Tobias was more than a friend. I loved him. But I was the one that caused his death.
 Cassie. Jake. Ax. Even Marco. They were all gone. I missed them more than I could ever show. Because I was Xena.
 As I think back on it now, was I really Xena? Or someone trying to be brave when I thought that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be so scared if I didn’t act that way. I think that was what I was doing. Being brave for my friends. I crossed that line. The line between being brave and being a bitch.
 I was down at the beach. Not trying to get a tan, but trying to let the waves wash away my guilt. It didn’t work.
 I heard someone come up behind me. I didn’t bother turning around. If it was someone cute, I didn’t care. He could find a girl who actually did care that he could look great in a Speedo.
 If it was someone dangerous, I still didn’t care. If they wanted to kill me, I deserved it.
 But it was neither. The boy, young man, really, walked up behind me and laid his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. What was he going to do? I could tell by his touch that he wasn’t trying to hit on me or kill me.
 No man would try to hit on me. I wasn’t Ms. Fashion now. I had dyed my hair a dull brown, and I wore casual clothes. I was trying to forget who I was, I guess. I didn’t see the point in dressing up. I lived alone, and my appearance suited my mood rather well.
 “Hey, this isn’t the time to be so depressed. It’s summer. Come on, what’s the matter?” the man asked.
 Man, he must be really desperate, to pick a girl like me out of the crowd. I still didn’t turn around to face him, though. I didn’t care. Maybe if I ignored him, he would leave me alone.
 He walked in front of me and lifted my chin. “You seem like you’re thinking about something very depressing. And this isn’t the place to be depressed.”
 I smiled in spite of myself. This man, whoever he was, was determined to cheer me up. I should let him try.
 I rose from my chair and smiled. No one acted this cordial to me. Probably because I’m not blond and beautiful anymore. He’d have to be someone special to even look at me. I’m not one that the guys gawk at anymore.
            We talked for a while, and he was very pleasant to me. I mean, he wasn’t flirting, just trying to get me out of my funk.
 The guy turned out to be someone named David. My heart froze at that name, but I relaxed when I told myself that David was a rat, literally.
 We talked for a while, and then David asked if I wanted to get together tomorrow. I figured, Why not? David was nice to me, and I hadn’t really hung out with anyone for years. I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.
 David arrived at my door at ten o’ clock. I was dressed in something casual but stylish. That’s a big change of pace for me now.
 First we went to an early movie. Then we went to lunch. I was really enjoying myself.
 “Um, Rachel, I just want to ask, I mean, nothing personal, but what were you like as a kid?” David stuttered out that afternoon. I saw something like fear in his eyes.
 “Oh, I had a pretty normal childhood. I mean, my parents were divorced, but nothing more than that. Why?” I asked. If this was the same David, I don’t know what I’d do. But it wasn’t. I could tell. He was too nice.
 David looked relieved.  I felt relieved, too. I mean, the name “David” to me was worst than any other word you could think of. But this wasn’t the same David. Thank God.
Nothing really happened. I enjoyed that afternoon more than I’ve enjoyed the past few years of my life.
I was lying in bed that night, thinking about my day. And while I was thinking, a surge of guilt shot through me.
Tobias! I can’t believe it. I hadn’t thought about him once that afternoon! I felt like crap.
Tobias’s last words before he died were, “I love you, Rachel.” Boy, I’m sure being loyal, huh?
I decided that I was going to talk to David the next day. Tell him that I was going to be loyal to someone I really loved. I mean, sure, David was great, but he sure wasn’t Tobias.
“Hey, Rachel,” David greeted me at ten o’ clock the next morning. I smiled at him.
“Hi, David. Come in,” I invited him. He nodded in stepped inside. “Um, we need to talk,” I said, feeling a bit awkward.
 He sat down on the couch, and I sat on the love seat across from him. I looked him straight in the eye, and took a deep breath. “David, I like you a lot, but I can’t love you. I loved someone before, but they died. But we were so close, I’d feel like crap if I started dating someone other than him.”
 There. I said it. Now ho will he take it?
 He studied me, and I thought I saw a glimmer of a smile. “Loyalty, huh? I like a loyal girl. Don’t worry, I like you too, and I’ve dealt with this sort of stuff before. We’ll take it slow. You set the pace,” he assured me.
 I really did like David. Most guys would have dumped me right then, but David was kind and understanding.
 Over the next few weeks David and I went out almost every night. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. David was really cool. A hell of a lot better than the last David I knew.
 One night, around eleven, David stopped by. I was lying in bed, quietly crying myself to sleep, as I usually do. David may be wonderful, but that doesn’t erase my guilt.
 He stepped into my room, and sat down on the edge of the bed. I didn’t even look at him.
 “Rachel, what’s the matter? Are you hurt?” he asked anxiously. I just shook my head.
 He sat there for a good fifteen minutes, not saying anything, just wanting me to tell him what’s bothering me. I finally lifted my head, and he gently squeezed my hand.
 “Well, when I was young, so many things happened to me. I mean, I didn’t have a bad life, but an exciting one. All of my friends died because of me. And the boy I loved. He was so much more than a friend. And I feel so guilty. People, the few that I still talked to, told me it wasn’t my fault. But it was. Now everyone is dead. I’ll never see them again,” I spilled it all out, my voice cracking.
 David looked at me, sympathetic and understanding. “I know how you feel. I didn’t kill anyone that I knew personally, but my life was crappy. I mean, the girl I hated so much, she pissed me off, and she-“ he broke off, but stared into the darkness and shuddered like he was reliving an awful memory. I know how he felt.
 That whole night, he sat with me. We didn’t do anything, he just sat there, comforting me just by being there.
 The next day, David and I went out. Nothing real fancy, but it was nice. Everyone has to see a movie once in a while, even if it was Star Wars.
 He dropped me off afterwards, so I had the afternoon to myself. I sat down and stared at the TV.
 Is it worth it? I mean, I’m happy here, David is wonderful, and I’m really enjoying my life now, but what about Tobias? I vowed to always love him. And I always will. David can accept this. He’s supportive of me. But he’s still acting like my boyfriend. Should I let him?
 I left that question unanswered. I watched some TV, and got dinner for myself, and tried to forget my dilemma. It didn’t work. Everything reminded me of my so-called “loyalty” to Tobias.
 One day, I called up David. I don’t know why. It’s just like a dumb instinct that you have every once in a while, doing something without knowing why.
 “Hello?” he asked when he picked up the phone.
 I hesitated a bit, and even considered hanging up. I said, more calmly than I felt, “Hi, this is Rachel. I’m sort of lonely. Can you come over?”
 “Sure,” he said, and I could have sworn I heard him smile. “I’ll be right over.”
 Ten minutes later David drove up to my house. I walked outside, and when he got out of the car, he hugged me tightly.
 “Hey, Rach, you know I’m always there for you,” he said quietly. He stroked my hair, and I pulled back a little.
 “David, let’s go inside,” I said. He looked at me, trying to figure out why. I didn’t know why. But something wasn’t right about him.
 “Look, you’re a really nice guy, and I really like you, but I can’t love you. Tobias was the boy I loved. I will always love him. I’ll still consider you a close friend, just not my boyfriend.”
 He looked at me, eyes wide in shock. “Tobias? You had a boyfriend named Tobias?” he asked. He practically spit out the word “Tobias.”
 I realized how dumb I was. I had just realized this was the David. I knew there was something I didn’t like about him, I was just too dumb to figure it out before. “Yeah. Are you David?” I asked with barely contained rage.
 “But of course. Crayak works wonders, Rachel,” he said, a sneer on his lips.
 I saw how ironic it was. David had “killed” Tobias. Out of all the Animorphs, he hated me most. And I was dating him.
 As Marco would say, this is insane! The one person I hated most, I actually liked him for-how long has it been? Too long.
 David was morphing his lion as fast as he could. I held up my hand. “Peace for the moment. We are not going to tear up my house. If you want to fight, we’re going back to where it all began. We’re going to have a fight at the construction site.”
 David demorphed. He looked furious, but even he agreed that it had to be a fight between a loin and a grizzly at the abandoned construction site. And when he agrees, you know either it’s obvious, or it’s dumb. I think the latter would be a better description of the situation.
 It took ten minutes to get down there. It was mid afternoon, and the sun cast long shadows on the ground. There was debris everywhere. Big puddles of mud, and huge mounds of dirt piled around. Not a very pretty picture.
 Good. David didn’t deserve a nice grave.
 David began morphing lion at top speed again. But I took time with my grizzly. I hadn’t morphed since the day that my friends died.
 Five minutes later, a very angry lion faced an even angrier grizzly bear. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so sure of myself.
 What if he actually won? I quickly dismissed the thought. He couldn’t. He was a bastard; bastards never win.
He circled toward me, slow but confident. I stayed parallel to him, watching his every move. And I know lions don’t smile, but I could have sworn David did. And it wasn’t a good smile.
Suddenly, he lunged! I swiped one of my frying-pan sized paws and hit him in the head. I managed to get paw under him, and I flipped him over, his vulnerable belly exposed.
He kicked up his paws, and one hit my chest. My whole chest just ripped open! I practically dove on him, and using my excellent claws, I ripped open his stomach.
I know this sounds corny, but right then my whole life flashed before me. I had suffered from too much loss of blood. So had David. And we were both too weak o demorph. We were both going to die. Together. The thought disgusted me.
Right before I blacked out for the last time, I heard David whisper something to me. <I’m sorry, Rachel. I love you. >
I blacked out before I could respond. Good thing. I wouldn’t know what I’d say.
~*~
A lion and a bear died that day at the abandoned construction site. The place where it all started. The place where David got trapped in morph.
It’s ironic, really. Back to square one. Ended where it started. But things never really end, it’s just another beginning.