I am the Ellimist. They hate me. Oh, how
they hate me. If I were the Animorphs, I would hate me too. I don’t
like what I’m doing to them. I hate the
terrible things that I’ve put them through. Elfangor’s crash and death,
Marco’s mom as Visser One, even Alloran hosting Visser Three--it’s all
my work. My brother and I, we play a deadly game. I gave up Elfangor, and
he gave up control over what would have been one of his, but is now one
of mine. Tobias.
I traded Elfangor in exchange for Loren.
My brother and I agreed: we could each have one. The clueless,
weak, human mother, or the Andalite warrior
father. We could set paths for one apiece, and I let him have
first choice. He, of course, wanted the
Andalite. What he didn’t know was that Loren was with child, and her
child was worth more than his father.
Cold-sounding. “Worth more than his father.” But if my brother had
control of Loren, she would be made into
a Controller, and later, Tobias would, too. It rips me apart inside to
stand aside and watch the noble Elfangor ruthlessly slaughtered, but I
needed Tobias. Hell, the entire world needs Tobias. And Jake, and Rachel,
and all the rest of them. Trading Elfangor for Loren, for control of Tobias,
looking for a way to strike again. Almost like chess. Both, looking for
a check-mate. I hate this game.
One of the things I do is watch. I watch
and wait. Now I’m watching Jake. Visually, but also mentally. I read
his thoughts as easily as he thinks them.
I see him, walking home from school.
*...Cassie would want to. I doubt it. Why
would she? I wish I were cuter.* I felt Jake’s memory of sharing a kiss
with Cassie on the Iskoort home-world.His thoughts turned. *God, she’s
beautiful. She doesn’t think she is, but she is. She’s such a sweetheart.*
Jake rounded a turn, and his house came into sight. *I wonder if Tom’s
home yet. I wonder when his feeding cycle ends. He went to a Sharing meeting
on Tuesday. Maybe the Yeerk refueled then. I hope he forgets to ask me
about the Sharing camping trip. Maybe if he makes me, I can get the others
to cover for me. Ax could morph me. Maybe. Last time, he got me two weeks
with the school shrink. That sucked. What was wrong with that stupid doctor?
He was way too friendly. Some people are scary, the way they’re so
fake-friendly. Cassie’s real-friendly,
though. She’s sincere about it. She’s so sweet to everyone...* Jake wasn’t
thinking about anything of any immediate
importance. He was just running his thoughts around in circles,
passing the time on his walk home. He
started humming a tune under his breath.
Jake let himself into his house. *Better see if Tom’s home. If he’s not, I’ll call Marco. We’ll call a meeting and go over to Cassie’s house. If Tom’s home, I’ll do my homework now, and call Marco later. I can’t believe I’m going to make a C in English! I wonder what Mom’s making for dinner? Dad’s out of town for that convention, so we’ll probably have pizza delivered. I’m sick of always getting sausage. I want to get pepperoni tonight.*
“Tom? TOM!” Jake yelled suddenly.
“What do you want, midget?” Tom’s deeper voice called back.
Jake cussed to himself, and yelled back, “Just seeing if you were home.”
Tom walked in. “I’m going back out later, though. The Sharing. Do you want to tag along?”
Jake’s thoughts went crazy, and I felt a pang of guilt, as I always do when he must go through this. *NO! You fucking, life-sucking alien piece of CRAP, I do NOT want you to shove a PARASITE into my brain! I don’t want to go to the stupid Sharing, I don’t want to be a Controller, and I WANT YOU TO LET MY BROTHER GO!*
What he said was, “No thanks, I’ll pass.”
I listened in on Tom’s thoughts, too. I can’t listen to the Yeerk--he belongs to my brother--but I can listen to Tom.
*Not Jake! Not my brother! Get out of me, Orran! You’re crap! Can’t you leave my family alone? Don’t you have family you care about? What about that one Yeerk? Rahna? I see your thoughts of her when you’re off guard. You wouldn’t do this to your pool-mates! Why do you have to do it to mine? This is my brother! I’ll do anything, just leave him and Mom and Dad alone. Tell him not to go to the Sharing. Do it now!*
Tom smiled sweetly at Jake. “Are you sure?
We’re going to be playing some team-building games tonight; it’s
going to be really fun.”
And internally:
*Leave him alone! He’s my brother! Don’t have your people take him! If you do, I’ll fight you with everything I’ve got! Don’t think I won’t!*
*Get out his head! You think I don’t know
what’s going on? I swear, one day I will rip you out of Tom’s head!
I will! I’ll free Tom from you and all
your Yeerkish terror!*
And on the outside, two benevolent brothers, sharing a normal, everyday conversation. Both pretending so hard -- for the other’s sake -- that everything is so normal. Two brothers, being so fake, so that the other doesn’t feel the lie.
How incredibly sad.
This is why I hate what I’m doing to Jake.
My brother hates Jake, because he knows how much I love Jake. I
love them all--they’re as close as I’ll
ever get to having children--but Jake reminds me of myself. He and I, both
struggling against our own brother. Jake hates the game of waiting, of
deciet and trickery that goes on between he and his brother. My game with
my brother is not so subtle. We fight an easier game than Jake and Tom,
because we know what’s happening, and we know exactly what’s at stake.
I know that in the end, I must defeat my brother. For the sake of
Jake, and for the sake of Tobias, and Elfangor, and Loren, and Alloran,
and all the others--I must defeat Crayak.