The wolf back down with a whimper.
"Heh heh heh," said Marco. "Wolf-woman strikes again."
"Shut-up, Marco," said Cassie, growling again.
Marco fell to the ground, throwing his arms over his head and whimpered.
"Good boy," said Cassie smugly.
Ax walked into the barn.
< Hello Cassie, > he said. < How are you today? What is Marco doing
on the
floor? >
"Cowering from my wrath," said Cassie simply.
Ax backed away from Cassie discreetly.
Jake then entered the barn.
"Hello Cassie, my Love Goddess!" he said sappily.
"Hello, my Jakey-wakey-love-slave!" said Cassie in an equally disgusting tone.
Ax felt sick. He thought humans were very strange. Disgusting. Kissing was the most disgusting thing he had heard of, rivaled only by the things done on the beds in soap operas.
Tobias flew in. < Whoa!! > he yelled, seeing Cassie and Jake playing tonsil-hockey. < Yuck! >
"You know you want to do that to Rachel," said Marco, brushing manure off his pants.
< Shut-up, Marco, > said Tobias.
Marco went off and sulked in a corner.
Enter Rachel. "Eww! Yuck! Geeze, Cassie! Why don't you two get a room?!"
"We already have reservations," said Jake, breaking away for a brief moment.
"We just couldn't wait," said Cassie with a shrug.
Rachel rolled her eyes.
"You know you and Tobias want a room, too, Rachel," said Macro and evil grin on his face.
"Shut-up, Marco," said Rachel. "Stick your head in the manure pile, why don't you?"
Marco resumed sulking.
Ax watched Jake and Cassie with morbid fascination.
< Don't they need to breath? > he asked.
"They breath for each other now," said Rachel sadly. "I'm afraid that they are probably going to stay like that for a while."
< What is it like? > asked Ax.
"You want to try?" asked Rachel.
< I must admit that I am curious, > said the Andalite, who was morphing human.
Rachel kissed Ax. After what seemed like forever, especially to Tobias, they stopped. Ax had a silly grin on his face. He looked at Tobias.
"I am afraid you have competition now, friend Tobias," he said.
"Oh, he always has competition," said Marco slyly.
"Shut-up, Marco," said Rachel.
At that moment, Visser Three entered the barn.
< Ah ha-ha-ha!! > he cried. < I have finally found the Andalite Bandits! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!! You will die, Andalites! >
"Um, yo, Visser, can't you see that we're not Andalites?" asked Marco.
"Shut-up, Marco," said Ax.
< You are Andalites, > insisted the Visser. < I cannot be wrong. The Council of Thirteen will have my gonads on a stick if I was wrong all this time. >
"I didn't know Yeerks had gonads. . ." said Rachel thoughtfully.
< We do, > said the Visser. < But let's just leave it at that. >
"Every species has gonads," said Ax. "You should know that."
"Even amoebas?" asked Marco in wonderment.
"Ask one. He might show you," said Ax.
Marco looked confused, and rather disturbed by this mental image.
Visser Three pointed his Dracon beam at Jake and Cassie, who were still kissing. His face softened. < Oh, I can't shoot them. They're so cute together. > Then he looked disgusted. < What are they doing? >
"Kissing," said Rachel.
"It is fun," said Ax. "You should try it!"
< Maybe I will, > said the Visser thoughtfully. < Will you show me?> he asked Ax.
"No," said Ax in disgust.
< Why not? > asked Visser Three, who sounded hurt.
"Are you gay?" Marco asked him.
< What is 'gay'? >
< You, apparently, > said Tobias wryly.
Rachel sighed. "Here, I'll show you. You have to be human though."
Visser Three morphed human. (Not the old man, some thirty-year-old, handsome-ish guy.)
Rachel kissed him.
When they came apart, Rachel stared at Visser Three wide eyed.
"Where have you been all my life?!" she cried kissing him again.
< Hey hey hey!! > cried Tobias. < She's supposed to kiss me! Not Visser Three!>
Tobias fumed. He flew off onto a rafter as Rachel and Visser Three made out majorly.
Marco suddenly had an idea. It made his head feel like it was going to explode.
"I thought this was us versus Monty Python," he said. "So why is Rachel making out with Visser Three?"
Suddenly, the Ellimist appeared. HELLO ANIMORPHS. WHAT THE @#*&?!?!?!?!?!
"Just ignore them," said Ax. "It is only Rachel and Visser Three doing that thing people do in beds on soap operas."
I CAME HERE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING--
"Not your gonads, I hope," said Marco warily.
YUCK!! NO!! ANIMORPHS, THERE IS A GREAT DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE.
Marco sneezed. But it sounded vaguely like he said, 'Rip-off!'
SHUT-UP, MARCO, said the Ellimist.
He continued his speech.
YOU MUST HELP ON AN ANCIENT QUEST TO SEEK AN ANCIENT OBJECT. . . said the Ellimist.
"What? The Time Matrix?" asked Ax.
NO!! NOT THE DAMN TIME MATRIX! THAT'S IN A NORMAL STORY. THIS IS AN ABSURDIST FAN FIC. WE DON'T DO ANYTHING SERIOUS LIKE TRY TO SAVE EARTH IN THESE STORIES!
< Oh no! > cried Tobias. < Not another Fan Fic!! No!! Well, at least that would explain why Jake and Cassie are still pawing at each other. . . >
Jake's sock landed on Tobias's head.
The Ellimist looked disgustedly at Jake and Cassie, then at Visser Three and Rachel. He snapped his fingers, and suddenly, they were all stuck to the barn walls with duct-tape, each couple separated on opposite walls.
"Damn you, Ellimist!" cried Rachel. "The Visser and I were just getting acquainted."
Tobias chuckled.
Rachel glared at him, and he shrank away.
ANIMORPHS! yelled the Ellimist over Rachel's growling, NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION--
"Visser Three is still here," Marco pointed out.
"Shut-up, Marco," said Visser Three.
Marco sulked.
The Ellimist snapped his blue fingers, and suddenly, instead of Visser Three in human morph, Elfangor, the dead Andalite War-prince was duct-taped to the wall.
< What the hell?! > he cried. < I thought I was dead! >
YOU WERE, agreed the Ellimist. BUT YOU'RE NICER THAN VISSER THREE, SO I REPLACED HIM WITH YOU. NOW, BE QUIET.
Elfangor looked confused. < Why am I duct-taped to the wall? > he wondered.
"We were trying to keep Visser Three and Rachel from going all the way in out presence," said Marco brightly.
< Ah, > said Elfangor. Unlike other Andalites, such as Ax, he understood human 'mating rituals'. He did have a son as a human, after all.
Not only had Alan Fangor known "Bill" (Gates? I think so), he had known Madonna, too. And, through some misunderstanding, Michael Jackson. He had another son, Lance, who had been shipped off as a baby to an adoption center, as Michael could not possibly keep him and his reputation as a male-impersonator.
Elfangor knew nothing of this, of course. Luckily for him.
The Ellimist tried to explain what he wanted the Animorphs to do, but he kept getting interrupted by someone, either, making out, or arguing.
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY PISSING ME OFF. . . warned the Ellimist.
They all continued to argue over whether Marco's earlobes were attached or un-attached.
FINE!! I'M JUST GOING TO SEND YOU THERE, THEN. GOOD LUCK, YOU IDIOTS!
Suddenly, the Animorphs, Ax, and Elfangor found themselves in the middle of a dark forest.
"Where are we?" asked Cassie, clinging to Jake.
"I don't know," admitted the fearless leader. "But I will protect you!"
"Oh, Jake!" said Cassie, swooning with admiration. She and Jake began to resume their game of tonsil-hockey.
Suddenly, big pieces of duct-tape covered their mouths.
NONE OF THAT, YOU HEAR ME? came the dis-embodied voice of the Ellimist.
Suddenly, Ax spoke up. He was no longer in human morph. < Did you hear that? > he asked.
"Of course," said Marco. "How can you not here the Ellimist? He uses all CAPS."
< Not that, > said Ax, rolling his many eyes. < I distinctly heard someone say 'Nee'. >
"What?" asked Rachel.
< Nee, > repeated Ax.
Marco went into convulsions. "Ack! You said nee! Don't do that!!"
< Why not? > asked Elfangor.
"It's a horrible word," said Marco, shuddering. "You can't just say that to people. It's mean."
"Oooookaaaay. . . " said Rachel. "Whatever."
Suddenly, a group of knights dressed in black robes and horny helmets were in front of them. (I don't know, were the helmets horny?)
"Nee!" cried the head knight, who had a very annoying voice.
Jake, Cassie, Marco, and Rachel cowered in fear. Tobias fell out of his tree. Elfangor and Ax stared at each other.
< I don't understand humans, > said Ax with a sigh.
< Neither do I, Aximili, > said Elfangor wearily. < And I married one. >
< I meant to ask you about that. . . > Ax began, when he was interrupted by the knight.
"Nee!"
< What do you want? > asked Elfangor in irritation.
"We want. . ." said the knight dramatically, "a SHRUBBERY!!!"
Very loud, off-key music came from nowhere.
< Where did that come from? > asked Ax.
< Nowhere, obviously, > said Tobias.
"What the hell is a shrubbery?" asked Jake.
"You must bring us a shrubbery," said the knight, ignoring Jake, "then. . . We will let you past us."
"What if we don't bring you thing 'shrubbery?" asked Rachel.
"Then you will never leave this forest. . ." he paused and looked around. "A-LIIIIIVE."
"What a strange person. . ." said Cassie.
"You know what?" said Jake to the others. "I think this is stupid. Let's go this way." They all turned around and left the forest, cries of 'NEE!", "FUTANG!" and "NEE-WHOMP!" following them.
Ax was tired. So was Tobias. They were all tired, as a matter of fact. They had been all around this strange world, and had seen one knight running around killing people indiscrimanantly, and a very ugly old woman, beating a cat against a tree.
< Is this Earth's past? > asked Elfangor.
< I do not know, my brother, > said Ax.
< Don't call me that, > said Elfangor. < You know I hate it when you tell people I'm your brother. You embarrass me. >
< But Elfangor--! > protested Ax.
< I told you, Aximili! > said the dead Andalite firmly. < Don't call me that. >
< But that's your name! >
< I am Al, now, > Elfangor said. < When I am among humans, I use my human name. >
< You aren't human! > protested Ax. < You are Andalite! >
< Andalites are no fun, > said Elfan-er-Al. < I like humans. So poop on you and Andalites, > he said, morphing human enough to stick out a tongue.
Ax was upset and confused, but shrugged. He had never liked his brother much anyway.
Al, who was human now, went up to Jake and whispered to him.
"Who's the hot little blonde?" he asked.
"That's Rachel. But she was making out with Visser Three, so I don't know if you want to do anything. . ."
"Doesn't faze me, baaa-beee," said Al, sounding like Austin Powers. "I just try not to think of who else they've been with. I just take my mojo and go crazy with it."
Jake suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Rachel was his cousin, after all.
Al walked up to Rachel.
"Can I ask you something?" he asked her.
"Sure," said Rachel, who had been admiring his butt earlier.
"Do I make you horny baby? Do I make you raunchy, randy, or in any other way, excited?"
Rachel lept upon his like a wild animal who's had too much to drink.
"Yes! Yes yes yes!"
Rachel and the former Andalite War-prince began to make out, while wallowing in a pile of filth.
"Yuck," commented Cassie.
< This is so unfair!!! > cried Tobias. < My DAD is making out with Rachel now! That's disgusting!! First our greatest enemy, now, the guy who was eaten by him! >
"And not in the way that most of us like," said Marco, with a leer and a cocked eyebrow.
A laugh track sounded.
< Where did that come from? > asked Ax.
A very large, animated hand came down from the sky. "WHO DO YOU THINK?!" it asked him.
< Ellimist? > asked Ax.
"NO!" cried the voice.
< Who then? Crayak? >
"I AM THY LORD, THY GOD!"
< Never heard of you, > said Ax casually. < Are you on TV? >
The hand retracted into the sky, and the sound of a huge hand hitting an even bigger forehead rang throughout the skies.
< Who was that? > Ax wondered.
"Called himself 'God'," Marco mused. "I wonder if he knows anyone named Joan of Arc. . ."
"What?" asked Jake.
"I always liked those medieval French babes who thought they saw God in their soup," explained Marco.
"You are messed up, you know that, don't you, Marco?" said Jake.
"Huh?"
"Shut up, Marco," said Al, who was trying to get muck off his pants. Rachel held onto him tightly. Tobias wished at that moment that he was Al.
"I don't suppose you'd like to be a nothlit again?" she asked Al.
< NOOOOOOOOO!!!! > cried Tobias. < You can't!! Elfangor! It's me! Tobias, your son! >
Al looked at Tobias in surprise. Then he nodded with understanding. "She's your girlfriend, isn't she."
< Well, not exactly. . . > said Tobias.
"Sorry then," said Al with a shrug. "I like this one. Younger than what's-her-name."
"You mean Loren?" asked Cassie.
"Huh?" said Al. "Was that her name? I get them confused. . ."
"Marry me, Al!" cried Rachel.
Suddenly, Al got a very frightened look on his face. "Um. . . Gee, is that the Andalite fleet calling me? I think I heard my mother. . ."
< I thought you didn't want to be an Andalite? > said Ax sarcastically. (Marco promptly fainted at hearing Ax use sarcasm. Jake, at that moment, was preoccupied by watching a white rabbit take down a deer.)
Jake shuddered.
"Well I changed my mind," Elfangor snapped, glaring at Ax.
Elfangor quickly demorphed and ran into the woods. Rachel called after him.
"Wait! What about our child?!!"
< Child?! > cried Tobias in agony. (The rabbit, at that moment, decided to leap upon him.)
"Shh. . ." Rachel said to him, pulling the rabbit off with her bear (bare?) hands. "I'm trying to get him to run faster. Visser Three was a much better kisser. And Al smelled like blue cheese."
< Hey! > came a faint thought speak cry. (Elfangor, of course.)
Tobias wanted to puke. Ax made a face, which was quite an accomplishment for someone with out a tongue to stick out. Actually, the face made was not entirely effective. Pretty pathetic, actually.
Jake and Cassie made eyes at each other.
Marco gazed lovingly at the Castle Anthrax, where lived all the lovely maidens. Blondes and brunettes, all between the ages of sixteen and nineteen and a half. The maidens that spent their entire days bathing, dressing, undressing, and making exciting underwear. . .
Ax found himself staring at the castle as well. Soon, Tobias was too.
King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table 'rode' by on their imaginary horses. The sound of clacking coconuts rang throughout the valley. They seemed to be heading for the Castle Anthrax.
Rachel was startled by the sound of an African swallow dropping a coconut on Ax's head.
< Ouch, > commented the Andalite distractedly.
"Let's join them, shall we, guys?" said Marco to Tobias and Ax.
< Perhaps one of them will know how to tickle my thylet, > said the Andalite hopefully.
Tobias and Marco looked at Ax with a mixture of fear, disgust, and admiration.
< I don't know what the heck a thylet is, Ax-man, > said Tobias. < But count me in. >
Marco sneezed in agreement.
So, the three horny males headed off towards the Castle Anthrax, where they were greeted by Zoot, and her identical twin sister, Dingo.
Visser Three, in his rather handsome human morph, of course, suddenly showed up, and swept Rachel off her feet.
"I can't stop thinking about you!" he cried. "Come away to the Yeerk pool with me, Rachel!"
"Yes! Yes, I will, Esplin!" she cried enthusiastically kicking the rabbit as it tried to leap for Jake's head. (Which, I might add, was occupied. With Cassie. *cough*)
"I told you, call me Visser Three. I can't have you calling me by my name in front of the Hork-Bajir, they would laugh."
"Sorry, Visser Three," said Rachel. "Or should I call you Kisser Three?"
"Just not in front of the Hork-Bajir," said the Visser.
Visser Three carried Rachel off into the forest. A loud racked ensued.
Jake and Cassie, alone at last.
Now they could fully give into their urges and. . .
"So how was your day?" asked Jake.
. . . have a conversation.
"Fine," said Cassie. "Until Marco showed up. I think he jinxed my whole day."
"I failed a math test," said Jake ruefully.
"I failed a pregnan--uh, I mean science test," said Cassie. When Jake seemed not to notice her slip of the tongue, she wiped her brow in relief with a herring she found next to a really big tree.
The two of them walked
off into the sunset, until they came to the Castle Arrrrgh, where they
were taunted to death by the French sentry. Cassie discovered that despite
a year of French class, she still couldn't understand a word.
Fin
WHAT THE HELLS WAS THAT?! demanded the Ellimist. I DON'T REMEMBER ELFANGOR BEING THAT HORNY, NOT RACHEL EITHER, FOR THAT MATTER. AND WHAT WAS WITH VISSER THREE? WHAT MADE HIM SUCH A CASANOVA ALL OF A SUDDEN?!
I'M NEVER HIRING YOU TO WRITE A FAN FIC AGAIN, DEMETRI. . .
The author, in her infinite stupidity and state of being easily amused decided that it would be great if the Ellimist just happened to slip in a pile of filth, get carried to the dead cart, get killed by the white rabbit, have his head sewn back on, his body re-animated, and then sung to death (again) by Sir Robin's minstrels.
Truly, Truly, The Fin!!
Author's Note: *Ahem* My fellow Ani-phans and Fic writers, and the like. . .
I mean no offense to Rachel fans. I like Rachel, really, I do. I don't know why I did that to her. I wrote this in two hours, late at night, after drinking five cans of regular Pepsi (The Joy of Cola!) and watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail four times earlier that day.
I do not own any of these characters. If I did, I would not presume to make fun of them, because, well, I can't do that kind of thing to my characters. My intention was to make fun of all those fics where the writer has people making out. Hey, well, at least I didn't pair up Marco and Rachel. (Pardon to the author of that one. It was well-written, but the idea felt so. . . forced.) Tobias had a perfectly natural reaction to Rachel's. . . . cavorting. Jealousy always fits, doesn't it? Right? Hmm. . . Nothing. . . Bad sign. Any-who. Please don't sue me. Flame me? Well, try to be nice, if at all possible. When I wrote this, it was funny. Especially the part with the amoeba. . . You know what I'm talkin' about! Well, Good Ol' Brain and I don't communicate much. She's on a permanent vacation in the Bahamas, getting a tan. (Something I can't do. The lucky little--err, never mind. . .) What amuses me does not always amuse others. I am sorry. This, so far is the only ridiculous fic I have written. I had to do it once. I just had to. . . Well, this was my silly one. This is it. I hope. Pray to whatever god/gods you believe in that I never do this again!
(Unless, of course, you liked it and want me to do more!)
He he he. . .
Shut up, Brain. You had no part in this. Don't laugh. Hey!! I thought you were on vacation. . .
Uh oh. . .
Morgan_du_Lac_2@hotmail.com
E-mail me! (but only if you dare!)
< Mwa-ha-ha-ha!!!! >
:::Visser, I am going to have to hurt you. . .::: < I'm sorry. . . > squeaked Visser Three, who then quickly ran off to find Rachel.