No Day But Today

By: Rachel Brooke

Chapter One

    < Jake, be careful, > I whispered to him as we were about to split up.
    < I will, Cassie, > He replied, then turned and, with Rachel and Ax following, ran down into the Yeerk pool.
    I sighed. This was the part where I became the un-official leader. < Let's go, > I said to Marco and Tobias.
    The plan was for Jake, Rachel and Ax to go down into the more heavily guarded entrance of the Yeerk pool, while Marco, Tobias and I took the more or less forgotten entrance. We should have realized it was a stupid plan, a suicidal plan. I mean, we were putting our three strongest fighters in the most dangerous position, at least one of them should have hung back and gone in at the less protected entrance. But we didn't think of that.
    Un-detected, I led Marco and Tobias through the abandoned tool shed and down into the hell of the Yeerk pool.
    Once down there, we found that Jake, Rachel and Ax had been doing their job well. Too well, I noticed as I saw Jake's tiger morph flung into the air by a Hork-Bajir.
    The world froze at that moment as I saw Jake thrown out of the pack of frenzied controllers. < JAKE! > I shouted and ran to him.
    < Cassie! > Marco shouted, lunging forward to try and stop me.
    He caught my tail, I turned back and snapped at his fist, nicking his fingers. < Let me go! > He did and I kept running to Jake.
    < Jake....Jake, say something, > I whispered frantically.
    < Cassie? >
    < Yes, it's me. > He struggled to stand up but I stopped him. < Don't move, we'll get you out of here. >
    < No, Cassie. I...I don't think...I will... >
    < Of course you will! > I said. < Come on, guys, we need to get out of here! Marco, grab Jake! >
    < Cassie...in case I... >
    < Shut up, > I said, harsher than I had intended. < You're going to make it! >
    < Just in case...I love you. >
    < I love you, too. >
    Jake seemed to sigh, then went still. < Jake? > I asked quietly. Marco came over and was about to pick him up, but when he put his arms under him, Marco said the words that I'll remember as long as I live.
    < He's dead, Cassie. >
    < NO! > I shouted. < He's NOT dead! > I lost it. I broke down crying. I don't remember how I got out of the Yeerk pool, but everyone said Marco carried me out.
    Wait, everyone isn't right. Not everyone made it out of the Yeerk pool, and I don't mean just Jake.
    Rachel was killed down there, too. No one realized it untill a day later, when Tobias found out that she hadn't returned home. Both of us were a wreck. According to Ax, he refused to leave his tree. I could sympathize, I wasn't doing much better. When I got home that night, I crawled into bed without bothering to change out of my morphing outfit. The next day was Saturday, so my parents didn't think anything of my sleeping in. They did wake me up around noon, though, to give me the news. Jake and Rachel were missing. I burst into a new wave of tears, although my parents didn't know why.
    I was a mess for the next week. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, and only left the house to go to school. The only time I talked to people was when the cops came to ask me about what I thought had happened to Jake and Rachel. Did I think that either had run away? No. Could either of them been kidnapped? Doubtful. Did I think they were dead?
    I never answered that one. I kept silent and my mom came in to save me, saying I was exhausted. She was right.
    Two or three weeks later, I wasn't really keeping track, Marco came by asking for me. When Mom came up to tell me he was at the door, I almost told her to tell him I was asleep or something, but I figured if Marco could manage to come here, I should go down to see him.
    "Hi, Marco," I said when I met him at the door.
    "Hey, Cassie," He said. He looked as bad as I did. His eyes were bloodshot. His hair, normally combed and styled perfectly, hung limp. His clothes were wrinkled, as if they were the first things he saw in his closet and they had just happened to be on the floor.
    "Why're you here?"
    "A few of our friends are getting together in the woods. We're...we're all having a hard time adjusting to this, we figured we'd get together and...I don't know."
    I knew what he was trying to say. "I'll tell my parents I'm going out."
    After spending nearly ten minutes assuring my mom and dad that I was perfectly capable of going out with Marco, they relented.
    Marco led me to Ax's scoop. Surprisingly, Ax had managed to get Tobias to attend the meeting, too.
    < Hi, Cassie. Marco, > he greeted sullenly. Ax echoed the greeting.
    < Why're we here, Marco? > Tobias asked. He obviously didn't appreciate being forced out of his brooding to talk to us.
    "Cassie, have you heard about the service yet?" Marco asked.
    "What service?"
    "They've finally decided that they're...they're dead. Both Jake's and Rachel's families are planning memorial services."
    I sat down and leaned against a tree. For a second I thought I was going to start crying again, but I didn't have any tears left. I didn't really want to attend funerals for my best friend and boy friend, especially when there was no body for either. But I also felt as if I owed it to them. In an odd way, I felt it was my fault for their deaths. If I had raised an objection when we were making the plan...

    We were all gathered in my barn, including Ax in his human morph. Jake was talking.
    "They've got some sort of ray gun down there, at least, that's what Erek called it," he was saying. "He says we need to go down there and destroy it."
    "What's the big deal about a ray gun?" Rachel asked.
    "Erek says that it's even deadlier than a dracon beam. They only have a few prototypes right now, but if they're put into mass production and distributed, we're in deep trouble."
    "And I assume you have a plan to go down there and destroy this thing, right, O fearless leader?" Marco joked.
    "Unfortunately, I do," Jake said. He went on to describe the plan. It didn't sound any more dangerous than other missions we'd had. No one objected. Well, Marco did, just because he's Marco.

    "Hello? Earth to Cassie."
    I looked up to see Marco looking at me concerned, so was Ax and Tobias. "What?"
    "You spaced on us for a minute," Marco said. "You okay?"
    "No, Marco, I'm not. I don't see how I'm ever going to be okay again," I managed to say. "But what were you saying?"
    "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea calling this meeting," he said. "Your parents are probably going to tell you anyway..."
    I sighed, " I'm sorry for spacing, Marco. Now, please, what were you saying?"
    "I'm pretty sure you don't want to go to either funeral, and I can't blame you, but we're sort of expected to speak."
    "Say what?"
    "Y'know, speak, give a eulogy or something."
    "No way," I said. "I'm not going to get up to speak anywhere, especially not a funeral. Besides, doesn't a person have to be missing for years to be presumed dead?"
    Marco shrugged, "Even if they have to be, the families don't want to wait that long. It's been weeks, they want closure. I don't really want to speak at a memorial service, either, but I sort of feel I have to. Like...I owe it to Jake."
    I looked up at Tobias, "You doing anything?"
    < Nobody knows I had any connections to either of them, > he said, sounding hollow. < I'm going to both, but there'd be too many questions if I stood up to speak. >
    "But if you could say something at Rachel's or Jake's funeral...would you?"
    < Yes. >
    I sighed, "Then I will, too."
    Marco nodded, "Well, I have to go home. Dad's worried that I'll do something crazy if I'm left alone for too long." We said our good byes and he left.
    I was going home too when I heard a rustling in the trees behind me. < Hey, Cassie, can I talk to you for a minute? >
    I turned around and saw Tobias perched in a tree. "Sure, Tobias. What do you need?"
    < I just wanted to know...well...how you're dealing with this. >
    "How I'm dealing with this?" I repeated. "I'm not 'dealing' with it, Tobias. I'm just trying to survive it. That's why I don't really want to go to either funeral, I don't know if I'll be able to survive that."
    < I know the feeling, > Tobias admitted. < I've barely been able to handle this past week...I don't know how you and Marco have managed, having to pretend that they were just lost...you two have been a lot braver than me. >
    I laughed a little. "Brave? I've been hiding in my room when not in school. That's not exactly what I'd call brave."
    There was an awkward silence before I said, "I need to be getting home. But, if you ever need to talk, Tobias, you know where I am."
    < Yeah, same here, > he said and flew off.

Chapter Two

    The next week was spent preparing for the funerals. Well, memorial services actually, since there weren't any bodies to bury.
    Saturday afternoon, I found myself standing behind a podium at the front of a church. I was up on a small stage, on the floor below me was a memorial to Rachel. Lots of pictures of her and various mementos. Pictures of her at gymnastic meets, medals she'd received in gymnastics, awards she'd received through school.
    I stared out at the sea of faces seated in the church. Rachel's family were seated in the first few rows of pews. The rest of the seats were occupied by Rachel's friends and friends of her family. The place was packed, it took me a moment to find Tobias, Ax and Marco, seated near the back.
    I took a breath to steady myself and began to read the speech I'd prepared.
    "To be honest, I don't know what to say. I was never a good public speaker, unlike Rachel.
    "There's so much to say right now, I don't know where to start. I could tell about all the great times Rachel and I had together. Slumber parties, late night phone conversations, her trying to drag me to the mall," that got a bit of strained laughter, "But...that just seems kind of...I don't know. Just doesn't seem right for Rachel. If she were up here, she'd probably give some outstanding speech that fit perfectly, but I'm not that eloquent. So I'll just say this, Rachel, wherever you are, you'll always be my best friend, and take care."
    I was about to step down. Not only because what I had prepared was finished, but because I felt tears welling up in my eyes. But then I remembered the note that I had in the pocket of my dress. Yeah, Rachel would be proud, I actually got a dress for this. "Oh, there's one more thing I need to say, not from me, but a friend of ours who wasn't able to come up here today." I took out the note and glanced to Tobias quickly at the back of the room. He gave me a small smile.
    "Rachel," I read, "You were a warrior trapped in a model's body, a fighter and an angel in one. Always the first to say 'Let's go, let's do it', yet the last to admit she was scared.
    "I don't know what's happened to you, and I probably never will. But where ever you are, please know, I love you still."
    It was all I could do to hold back my tears as I read the last lines of the poem Tobias had scrawled on the paper. It described Rachel perfectly, nothing I had said could have been better. I stepped down off the podium and walked back to where my parents were sitting.
    A few more people got up to talk about Rachel, but I tuned them out, just as I'd done yesterday at Jake's funeral during the whole thing except when Marco got up to talk, I didn't feel comfortable going up.
    After the formal service, there was an informal get together in the lobby of the church. There were snacks, and another small memorial to Rachel where everyone could get together to talk. I quickly sought out Marco, Tobias and Ax.
    "I still do not understand all this. Issssss. Is," Ax said once I'd joined them.
    "Don't understand what, Ax?" Marco asked.
    "In the other room, I noticed that many people were leaking a liquid out of their eyes, yet here they are laughing and talking. Ing. And what are the pictures of Rachel for? Orr?"
    "It was crying, Ax," I said. "The first part of the service was just a few people getting up to say things about Rachel, this is where we can all get together and talk about her."
    "The pictures are just another way to remember her," Tobias said. He checked a watch Rachel had given him not too long ago. "We've gotta go demorph, be right back." He took Ax's arm and they wound their way through the crowd towards the bathrooms.
    "You did good up there," Marco said after a moment.
    I shrugged, "You did good yesterday, too."
    "Well, this part is supposed to be where we remember Rachel, so, best memory of her," he prompted.
    I thought back over all the years I'd known Rachel, "Right after my experience with Aftran and being trapped as a caterpillar, when we went out shopping together. I told her that we were going to do some serious shopping, and the look on her face," I laughed a little at the memory. "You would have thought I'd just told her she was going to get to go on a major shopping spree in New York, not that I was just going to buy a sweater willingly."
    Marco laughed, too, "I can imagine her doing that. Unfortunately, I didn't get to hang out with her as much as I wanted to. But I'd have to say the time right before we first found out about that mission where we attacked the Mariott Resort, when we were all at Burger King and her and I had that arm wrestling match, that was classic Rachel, kicking me so she could win."
    "She would have won anyway, you know it."
    He laughed and shrugged, "Maybe, but it was still classic her."
    "What're you two talking about?" Tobias asked, coming up with Ax.
    "Best memories of Rachel," I said. "What are yours?"
    Tobias looked away for a moment. "Anytime I went flying with her. Soaring with her on the thermals...trying to out dive eachother...that's how I'll always remember her. Being wild and reckless while flying with eagle wings."
    "You, Ax?" Marco asked.
    "Rachel was a true warrior. Urrrr. I was not around her except during a fight. Ight-uh. But that seemed to be when she enjoyed herself most-uh. While fighting. Ing."
    I nodded. It wasn't a great way to remember Rachel, but that's what she was best at, kicking butt. Some how, it was a consolation that she'd died fighting. That's how she would have wanted to go, not slowly dying from natural causes or disease, but in a fight, where she took down several of her enemies before they got her.
    I felt tears welling up in my eyes again, but quickly brushed them away. This part of the service wasn't for tears. But Tobias noticed them anyway. He put a comforting, if awkward, arm around my shoulder. That was almost enough to make me cry again. Even in his grief over losing Rachel, he could spare some comfort for me. I turned and gave him a hug, leaning my head on his shoulder as he did the same to me. For a moment I thought Marco was going to make some flip remark about it, but he has a good heart. He knew how we were feeling.
    We hung around for a while longer, laughing and sharing memories of better times, but eventually Ax and Tobias had to go, as did Marco and I. I don't think any of us wanted to leave, though. Within our group, we had refuge, we could talk freely about what had happened, and our memories, without worrying that a controller was hovering over our shoulder, listening to every word. Tobias and Ax would be able to keep talking, but Marco and I had no one.
    On the way back home, Mom and Dad tried to have a conversation with me, complimenting me on going up to talk, asking about who 'those guys' were that I was talking to, but I didn't feel like talking. After getting several monosyllabic answers from me, they left me to my sulking.

Chapter Three

    The next morning, Mom came into my room around ten, I was still asleep.
    "Cassie?" She asked as she walked in. "Cassie, wake up." She shook me a little.
    I woke with a start, "I'm up, I'm up," I mumbled, but pulled the covers back over my head.
    Mom sighed and yanked the covers off the bed. The cold rush of air woke me up immediately. I sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "What?" I asked impatiently.
    She pulled the chair away from my desk and next to the bed. She sat down and put a comforting hand on my knee. "Cassie, I know you're sad about losing Rachel and Jake. It's a terrible loss. But you can't keep sulking over it. I know going to their memorial services was hard, but do you think either of them would want you to stop living?" I looked away, not wanting to answer. She went on.
    "Rachel always lived her life for the moment. 'I live each moment as my last' would have been a good motto for her, I heard it in a song once. I know you don't take risks like she did, but you've never been one to hide away when things got rough."
    I looked back at Mom. "But this is too rough," I admitted. "I lost two of my closest friends in one day! How am I supposed to go on after that?"
    Mom moved from her chair to the bed and pulled me closer to her in a hug. "You remember the good times you had with them. Remember when Aunt Kayla died of cancer?" I nodded. "I was devastated by that, but I've kept going. I never forgot her, and I never will. She'll always have a special place in my heart. Just as Jake and Rachel always will in yours."
    I sat back, thinking about what Mom had said. She was right, Rachel would never have approved of me spending all my time in my room. I had to get back out into the world. It may be hard, but I had to. "All right, Mom. I'll call them after I get dressed and eat."
    "That's my girl," Mom said affectionately, then left the room so I could get dressed.
    I quickly pulled a shirt out of my closet and jeans out of my dresser, put them on and walked downstairs. On the table, Mom had waffles waiting, one of my favorite breakfasts.
    I sat down and ate two, the most food I'd eaten in one sitting in nearly a month. Both Mom and Dad were surprised, but didn't let it show too much. I guess they were just happy that it seemed I was finally getting over Jake and Rachel. Perhaps I was starting to, but I knew I'd never be the same. You don't loose the two people you care about most and return to normal.
    After I finished eating, I called Marco.
    "Hello?" he answered sullenly.
    "Hi, Marco? It's Cassie."
    "Cassie? Oh, hi. Um, what's up?"
    He wasn't nearly as articulate has he had been the day before. I wondered if he was all right. "I'm getting a little claustrophobic in the house. You want to go hang out somewhere? The mall? A movie?"
    "Uh, sure. I'll meet you at the mall in...half an hour?"
    "Sure. See you there."

    As Mom drove me to the mall, I seriously considered telling her to turn around. That there was no way I could be seen out in public with Marco. Everybody from school would be there, and they all know that Jake and I were 'an item'. There're sure to be some nasty rumors about us at school on Monday if we're seen together so soon after Jake's memorial service. But the rational part of me decided that what they said didn't matter, I needed to talk to someone, and Marco probably did too, so we should get together.
    Marco was arriving just as I was, so we walked into the building together, an awkward silence between us. We walked through the mall for a little while like that, not talking, just taking comfort in being with someone who could understand the pain we were going through.
    "Want to get some pizza?" Marco asked as we passed the food court for the second time.
    "Sure," I said, glad one of us finally said something.
    We walked to the pizza place, got our slices of pizza and drinks, the sat down in a booth near the back where we could talk without being overheard.
    "Your parents making you get out of the house, too?" he asked me once we were settled.
    "Yeah. Mom figures that if I was able to get up and speak yesterday, I should be able to get out of the house to do something besides go to school."
    "Same with my dad."
    "All parents have the same thinking on the 'important' things, I guess."
    The only sound for a few minutes were of us eating, and the normal background noises of a mall, when suddenly Marco asked me, "Why'd you invite me out here?"
    "What?"
    "Is this a date, or two friends getting together? I'm dying to know here."
    I was at a loss for words. I couldn't date Marco, could I? I mean, yeah, I knew there was more to him than a huge ego and bad jokes, but dating him? If Rachel were here, she'd give me a long talking to. But she's not, I told myself sternly. If she was, there wouldn't be any need for these thoughts at all.
    "What do you want it to be?" I asked, "Because I'm not sure myself."
    He paused before answering, probably trying to decide for himself. "Truthfully, I'd love for it to be a date. I've always admired and respected you, Cassie. Just as I did Rachel, and everyone else in the group. But practically, I'd say it's two friends getting together. You were my best friends girl friend, and if he were here right now, he'd probably kill me for thinking about a date with you. Rachel probably would have done the same thing."
    "Probably?" I interrupted, a wry smile on my face.
    He laughed slightly, "Okay, she definitely would have. So if you'd rather keep this two friends getting together, I'll wipe away any thoughts of going out with you."
    I pushed away my pizza, no longer hungry. "Marco, I don't know what I'd rather this be. On one hand, I feel sort of guilty. I feel almost as if I'm betraying Jake, and that at any moment, Rachel's gonna show up and try and beat some sense in to me. On the other hand...you're the only one who I can really talk to--"
    "There's always Tobias, too, y'know," Marco interjected.
    I shrugged. "For some reason, I feel more awkward around Tobias than...than you." I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away. Cassie, you are not going to cry! I told myself. You have no reason to cry now, you're just having a conversation! Then I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was happy. Yeah, stupid thing to be happy about, I know, but I realized I finally had someone I could connect with. Someone I could talk to freely, and he'd always come back with some smart remark to make me feel better.
    "You okay?" Marco asked, concerned.
    "Better than I have been in a long time."

Epilogue

    It's been a year since Jake and Rachel died. Marco and I have been going out since that initial date at the mall, although it has been a bit awkward at times. Like when I was grilled by my parents about Marco when it became obvious we were dating, not just going out as two grieving friends. Or going to our first dance together at school. I swear the room was silent when we walked in together. But we've gotten used to the weird looks we tend to get from acquaintances who knew I went out with Jake.
    We've also continued fighting the Yeerks, although we haven't been as active as we used to be. We just can't without Rachel's bravery. Nobody even dares to say the phrase 'let's do it!' anymore. Nor are our plans as good as they were with Jake's leadership, but we're learning to cope. We don't have a leader anymore really. Whoever's idea the attack was becomes the leader. If they begin to freeze up, somebody else comes in to bail them out. We've also been working with the Chee alot to get our information, but I don't kid myself. The Yeerks are gaining ground every day. We used to be fighting a holding war, but we took too long to start fighting again, and we aren't numerous enough to put up the fight we want to. It scares me to think of what's going to happen if we loose.
    We're sticking it out, though. Marco and I have eachother to lean on, Tobias and Ax can talk and relate to eachother. And we've all began to adopt Rachel's philosophy, unconsciously, but we have. It's the one Mom told me about, what she thought Rachel's motto should be: I live each moment as my last. I checked out the play she got that lyric from, and found another one that really spoke to me: There's no day but today. I told Marco about that, and he agreed. That's how we've had to fight the Yeerks, like there was no day to fight, but today. Forget what may happen in the future, forget what happened in the past, just fight for today and you'll be fine.

Author's Notes: Don't hurt me, please! Yes, I know there is absolutely no chance of Cassie and Marco getting together, but that's besides the point! You should have figured out by now that I'm a non-conformist when it comes to these relationships. Oh, and the song lyrics are from RENT, one of the best musicals around.