I'm not saying my last name. Why? What's the point of having it?
To say what family you are from?
Your 'clan', who your father is...I never even knew my dad. He died when
I was
little more than a baby. Then my mom split,
leaving me in care of my oldest cousin. Then, I started to play the most
fun game in the entire world. Musical family. Live with a aunt here, an
uncle there, a cousin or two somewhere else...I was neglected. No. Beyond
that. I was ignored.
What little I remember of my mother...she had long, dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes, and wasn't very old, only in her early twenties...she looked like me, only my eyes are a different color. My grandma said that my eyes looked like my father's. All I have of my father is a worn, fuzzy black-and-white photo of him I snuck out of the family album at Grandma's house, so I took her word for it. Grandpa had split too, a while ago (Like father, like daughter?), so when my family situation straightened out (Straightened out...yeah. Right. What happened was every relative had had me for a few weeks and didn't want me around. Why? I was a much quieter kid then most of my cousins. Better behaved, too.), I lived with Grandma, until I was about seven. Then Grandma died...she was the only one who cared about me.
I was finally forced to live with my uncle. My father's brother. A drunken old fool who would beat me any chance he got, for no real reason. I'd stay in my room most of the time, playing with my toy dinosaurs. I was obsessed with dinosaurs, I guess. I envied them, their strength, their grace. No one would ever mess with them. I wished I were like them.
Good thng my uncle lived near a
big museum that dealt with dinosaurs. The people who worked there knew
how much I liked dinosaurs, and would tell me things about them. One of
the people who worked there felt sorry for me, I guess...this little skinny
kid who wore dirty, scruffy clothing that never seemed to fit...She gave
me toy dinosaurs and packets about them. For my eighth birthday, she gave
me two books-one about the ancient
dinosaurs, and one about their closest
living relatives. Birds. From then on, I always loved birds. I spent
much
of the time in the dank room I lived in
imagining what it must be like to fly under the bellies of the clouds,
away from human cares and human troubles.
Then, after a year or so, musical relatives started again...I missed so much school, because most of my relatives didn't bother to enroll me in classes...By the time I'd finally finished third grade, I was ten. At the end of that year, I couldn't bear living with any of them so I finally ran away.
None of them cared about me. None of them wanted me. None of them even knew my name most of the time. None of them could even give me a reason that I should stay with them.
After I ran away, I was picked up by the police, and was put in a foster family until they could locate my relatives. The foster family there was great. They cared about me. Tobias.
I hadn't realized anyone could love
me, after Grandma died. I thought that's why my mom left. These people
helped me realize that I was wrong, that
I was lovable.
With their help, I led an almost
normal life. I even skipped a grade. I guess I was smart, after
all...When the officials finally found my uncle and his wife, three years
later, and forced me to go live with them, I nearly cried.
Nearly. But I didn't. I hadn't cried since
my Grandma died. There never seemed to be a reason.
The kind family wanted to adopt
me, but the police refused, feeding them some crap about how 'the boy needed
to be with his family'. I wanted to scream at the police. Tell them off.
Break my silent act and yell "These people care about me. They're more
family then my uncle and aunt'll ever be!" But no, I couldn't. I was broken,
silent. I was a wimp. A quiet child, whose voice had been broken by the
terrors I knew could happen to me if I did
open my mouth.
Maybe, if I'd opened my mouth then...But I didn't. I was too weak to.
I said goodbye to the town that had been a place that I could call home. And the last happy period of my life ended. I was no longer Tobias the child. I was now Tobias, the 'emotionally disturbed' kid. Tall, gangly, shy, who could magically attract bullies like a sweaty neck attracs mosquitos. Teachers liked me, I guess, girls felt sorry for me. But mostly I drifted, like a toy sailboat bobbing in the middle of a river. Alone.
After a few months, my uncle and
aunt seperated. I lived with my uncle about another six months, and then
was
sent to live with my aunt for another
half-year. That was the story of my life. Whenever one of them finally
realized I was at the house, they'd send me away to the other relative.
I was some unwanted burden they'd torture each other with. They played
a twisted game, in which I was only a pawn. I could only be moved around,
like a large bundle of junk-mail.
I didn't make any friends. How could
I? I never even knew how long I was going to be somewhere for. And after
my uncle and aunt had pushed me around
the country a few times, I found out I was out-of-touch with the few people
I'd known before. The only person I knew was my mother's friend, my 'aunt'
Jennifer. She'd help me out when I was at my aunt's house. Drive me to
the mall. Pick me up from school. Sometimes I'd eat dinner at her place.
She always brought a smile to my face with her sarcastic comments. I liked
her. She was one of those
people who never really seemed to grow
up, you know? Always kidding around. Not like most adults.
One day, she drove me to the train
station, as I was leaving for my uncle's again. "Don't forget to write,"
she said.
"When was the last time I forgot?"
I asked.
"You always forget," she answered.
"Same as your mom. You're just like her, you know?"
That was the best thing about her.
She'd always tell me about my mom. I liked that. "Yeah."
She rambled on a bit as we walked
inside the train station, carrying my suitcases and duffel bag. "See ya,
Tobias."
"See ya, Aunt Jennifer."
"Don't call me that!" she said,
mock growling. "It's just Jenny. Nothing else." She looked at me seriously
as the train started to roll up. "Don't let them push you around.
Stand up for yourself. Assert yourself, once in a while."
"I'll try."
"'You'll try'? You better
try putting it into practice!"
"Yeah," I said again. The train
doors opened. She hugged me for a second and then let me go. I climbed
onboard and went to my seat. Two days of boredom, coming right
up, I thought.
The train started puffing and we
roared away. I waved once to Aunt Jennifer, still in the crowd, through
the
window. She continued waving as I settled
back in my seat. I knew she would continue waving until the train dissappeared
in the distance. I never did. Each visit between my aunt and uncle seemed
like a chapter of my life that I wanted to close as soon as possible.
From the square window next to
my seat, I watched the mountains shoot up from the earth and crumble into
desert, which was overtaken by thick farms. Even though I had seen the
scenary before, it always meant something to me. What, I don't know.
When I finally got to the town my
uncle lived in, he met me there, grunting. He dropped me off at the school,
his exact words being "You're enrolled
already, dammit, so leave me alone.'
I was touched, actually, that he
remembered I was coming. Last time, I'd had to stay at the train station
or six
hours until they made me call him. And
I'd needed to wait two weeks before I got enrolled in school.
I went to school. There wasn't much
else I could do. After my first class, some punks were giving me a swirlie
when a kid came in, told them to
back off, and they did. That was more than anyone else had done for me
before.
"Thanks," I said, getting up from
the stall, trying to straighten out my always out-of-control hair. "I'm
Tobias."
"My name is Jake," he replied.
He was my height, a little taller. Strong looking. Big. Brown hair, steady
brown eyes. And he just commanded respect. "You new?"
"Just got here," I admitted ruefully.
"Uncle dropped me off as soon as I got out of the train station. I've been
living weith my aunt." I knew I was babbling,
but...I was so out of touch with people, I didn't really know how to begin.
Jake raised an eyebrow. "What's
your next class?"
"Science, I think. Do you know
how to get to room 108?"
I didn't see Jake all that often.
Sometimes I'd eat lunch with him and Marco, his best friend, sometimes
I'd eat
by myself, daydreaming. I still wished
I could fly. He was in a few of my classes. I didn't really see him outside
of
classes.
Except tonight.
I walked through the mall. I made
it a point to get away from my uncle every so often. I don't think he knew.
Or cared.
There was a bookstore. I spent
some time browsing through the newest science-fiction arrivals.
There was a pretzel shop. I wasn't
hungry.
I walked on through the mall.
There was a store that sold comic
books. There were a few video games and things there.
I headed inside.
I was never very good at video
games.
Read that as 'I suck at video games.'
I was about to leave when I spotted
Jake and Marco. I headed over towards them.
"What's up?" I asked.
"Not much," Jake shrugged. "We're
heading home."
"Out of quarters," Marco commented.
"Certain people keep forgetting that the SleazeTroll shows up right after
you cross the Nether Fjord. So certain people keep losing the game -- and
losing our quarter," he finished, jerking him thumb at Jake the entire
time.
I almost smiled. That was Marco,
saying twenty words where only two would suffice. "So, like maybe I'll
walk home with you guys."
"Sure. Why not?" Jake said.
If only I'd known.
THE END
Author's ramblings...
Insert all of the companies that own Animorphs
and the usual "I have nothing to do with Animorphs, K.A.
Applegate, or any of those companies!"
rant.
How did this fic get started? Well, sometime
in September I'd been thinking about writing a pre-Animorphs fic.
I decided that the only characters worth
writing a fic about would be Tobias, Ax, and possibly Marco (Dealing with
his grief about losing his mom.) I stink at writing about Ax in particular
and Andalites in general, and a grief-stricken Marco, before Animorphs
happened to him, isn't very interesting. So, I wrote about Tobias.
To be frank, the fic stunk and I knew it.
Yeah, you three nice pre-readers may have told me otherwise, but it
got Tobias so out of character...TOBIAS
DOES NOT CONTEMPLATE WHETHER HE SHOULD DIE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLANE RIDE!!!...I
think this fic better explains why he's so...Tobias, while the other ojne
just sorta
confused even me.
A major inspiration for me to get offa'
my behind and rewrite this fic was Guardian's fics "Take These Broken
Wings" and "Consumed". Both fics were
major inspirations for me...Guardian really got Tobias's character down
to a T. I was crying at the end.
She also helped change the way I looked
at Tobias's past. Among the things she invented was Tobias's 'aunt'
Jennifer, which I stole from the fanfic.
I'm sorry, Guardian, and please don't hurt me! Imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery...Uh, yeah. ;-) This fic was also re-written heavily inspired
by her fics. However, if I ever speak of Dr. Klownius and his Winner Taco
in a fanfic, may someone whap me with a hormonal iguana.
Um, what else should I say? As always,
thanks to NS for just being a great friend, Guardian to writing good
fanfics (BTW, I'm the official "Give-out-ADP-since-I'm-the-only-one-who-can-load-
your-page" person,) and Win for just...being there.
This fic is dedicated to my grandmother, Mildred Landau, who died February 23, 1999. I love you, Grandma...
As always, comments, compliments, complaints, and flames are welcome. Send them to me at Rbooks5678@aol.com