Drumline Commandments

Introduction

The following is intended primarily for the members of the Drumline, however, all rules given apply also to the band and the colorguard. Every regulation listed below must be followed by all. If you have any problems or disagreements with any statute of the Drumline Commandments, then too bad. None of this is negotiable. Punishments are dealt to all those who disregard the seriousness of this rule book. Read it carefully for I have declared it law.
 

Section One: The Drumline Captain

Rule 1 The Captain of the drumline has ultimate power in all decisions. This cannot be overruled or vetoed by anyone.

Rule 2 Everyone shall bow down before the Captain and praise him as their God. Steve Helms can however keep the position as Jesus Christ.

Rule 3 Daily offering of money (dollar bills or larger only) should be made in honor of the captain’s greatness. Failure to “bribe” your master will result in eternal damnation.

Rule 4 For any female members, sex is also an acceptable payment.

Rule 5 The Captain can do no wrong. If ever accused of any such act, one is expected to immediately assume all responsibility in his behalf.

Section Two: Instruments

Rule 1 All drums will be kept in the proper case with the case on the shelf. If anyone fails to do so, they will be strapped inside a tenor case and beaten until they have one or more broken bones.

Rule 2 In the event that any piece of equipment, such as a bass harness, should break, it will be quickly “african-american engineered” and never fixed properly.

Rule 3 If any head breaks, be sure to tell the instructor so he can forget about ordering more and when confronted, conjure up some obvious lie about a three month back order.

Section Three: The Drumline Room

Rule 1 The drumline room is meant only for eating, drinking, changing, hanging out, homework, and sex. Nothing else is permitted.

Rule 2 If you make a mess (Garrett) and leave it there (Garrett) hoping someone else will come in and clean it up for you (Garrett), you will be removed for a period of two weeks for each offense.

Rule 3 Do not leave half of a drink inside the room. If you could not finish it then you never should have f**king opened it. Violators will receive the same two week penalty mentioned above.

Section Four: Bus Rides

Rule 1 The Drumline has complete possession of the back of the bus. Colorguard must allow room for every member. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Rule 2 The Captain has a right to his own seat. No one is allowed to sit with him unless given permission. This is also a good opportunity to complete Rule 4 under Section One.

Rule 3 “Spirit Signs” are acceptable as long as all evidence is destroyed before exiting the bus.

Rule 4 Singing is encouraged. The fact that you have the worst singing voice in the world does not matter because none of the Drumline members can sing either. Be sure to censor any lyrics which may get the Captain “screwed.”

Rule 5 All trash will be passed to the front of the bus even if there is a trash can in the back. If this rule is violated then such mentioned garbage will be returned air delivery to the original owner.

Section Five: Lawsuits

Rule 1 The appropriate recourse for any actions which involve other drumline members is either a verbal or physical fight. Mentioning lawyers and lawsuits will only act as yet another topic to use when making fun of you to your face.

Rule 2 If dumb enough to contact a lawyer over a simple misunderstanding, such as being tied upside down to a cage by your legs, do not call your Captain as a character witness, it will just destroy what little case you have.

Section Six: Yelling And Profanity

Rule 1 It is imperative that anyone and everyone be made fun of. Common traits to look for when beginning to bash someone are stupidity, handicaps, homosexuality, and of course, obesity.

Rule 2 When yelling profanities, make certain you are amongst a large group so that no individual can be blamed.

Rule 3 If worried about getting into trouble from using vulgarity, try splitting the word up between two people. Because neither the word “each” nor the word “hit” can be considered blasphemous.

Rule 4 It can be construed as disrespectful to say certain phrases to the drum major. Think first before blurting out such comments.

Rule 5 No vulgarities will be directed towards your captain unless used positively, such as “damn, you’re good” or “I want to f**k you.” (Remember, the latter better only be said by female members of the band.)

Rule 6 Loud noises may just seem annoying, but in fact they are really funny. No matter how much someone pleads you to stop, complaining of a headache, continue screaming and he or she is bound to laugh eventually.

Section Seven: Instructors

Rule 1 No respect should be given to any instructor. They do not care about the band, they just want the money. If by some odd chance they are helping out because they genuinely care, then they obviously have no life and should therefore be given no admiration.

Rule 2 Homosexual instructors, who will remain nameless, will be treated even worse. They should be “beaten straight.”

Rule 3 Nicknames will be created for each instructor as a way of discrete identification. Be creative as with Corky Cornflakes and Bug Eyes.

Rule 4 Always remember that instructors actually have no power at all. Feel free to talk back and ignore instructions.

Rule 5 Drumline members cannot hear Mr. G.

Section Eight: Concert Band

Rule 1 Concert band must serve as a break between marching band seasons for the drumline members. No effort should be put forth.

Rule 2 If the Captain does not want to play, he will not have to. Others will cover his parts just so the director does not get angry that he spends the period sitting in the Drumline room.

 Rule 3 Keith Holmes is gay.

Rule 4 The practice before the concert and the concert itself is the perfect opportunity for such extracurricular activities as “Jew-bag poker” and “bandroom baseball.” All are invited.

Rule 5 All non-senior drumline members (and anyone else willing) must bring gifts for the seniors to the winter concert. This is not optional. All those who forget will first give up all money in their pockets and then get beaten by everyone.

Section Nine: Band Trips

Rule 1 The objective of band trips is to act as crudely and unrestrained as possible without being sent home early. Remember to push the limits to the max.

Rule 2 Even strip clubs in Canada card you.

Rule 3 It is possible to fit a full grown person into the overhead compartment on a coach bus.

Rule 4 You will probably never see the locals again in your life time so treat them like shit. It is always interesting to see what kind of response you get when you’re rude.

Rule 5 Hotel rooms are another excellent location to complete Rule 4 under Section One.

Rule 6 They can keep students from making calls outside of the hotel, but room to room calls are always permitted. Be prepared to answer the phone at two o’clock in the morning only to hear orgasm sounds.

Rule 7 Most importantly, have a good time. You’ve paid a fortune to be here (most of which went on a down payment of someone’s new house, car, etc.) and you should enjoy yourself. Do whatever you want, but just don’t get caught.

Section Ten: Liars And Hypocrites

Rule 1 Lies can be a good thing. No one can get in trouble as long as they find a way to misconstrue the truth in fashion which will in turn free them of any guilt. The falsehood does not have to be believable, just possible.

Rule 2 Always remember, whenever you are caught in a lie just deny, deny, deny.

Rule 3 Those, however, who use the act of deceit in order to improve their own self-image, especially when done poorly, will first be criticized and later beaten to a bloody pulp. The moral being, don’t lie to make friends because it won’t work.

Rule 4 Hypocrites will get the same punishment as instated above. By the way, it is considered hypocritical to make fun of another members playing ability when you too suck. Keep that in mind next time you wish to critique someone.

Section Eleven: Pizza

Rule 1 Only those with permission may stay and eat pizza. Those who do join in the pizza consuming custom will not do so without paying. A large pie of eight slices costs ten dollars, so one dollar for the four slices you shoved down you throat is not sufficient.

Rule 2 The males of the group are forced to pay. Females are encouraged to remove a selected article of clothing to compensate for each slice taken. The garments are chosen by those who originally paid for the food.

Rule 3 Pizza must be purchased from Pizza Pie.

Rule 4 When eating at the pizzeria, one must sit at the table across from the cash registrar. No other seat is acceptable. If it is taken, all bodies will be vacated from the area, whether it be willingly or by force.

Rule 5 Just because we allowed you to eat with us, does not mean we enjoy your company. We probably just want your money.

Section Twelve: Band Practice

Rule 1 Practice is a time for socializing and relaxing, not work. If any effort is put forth by oneself, then clearly you are doing something wrong.

Rule 2 Not everything said should be taken literally. For example, “Be down on the field with instruments at six o’clock” actually means “Consider getting your instrument out after being yelled at three or four times.” Be sure to interpret what is really being said.

Rule 3 Not everyone can be an instructor, so don’t pretend you are. If you have a helpful comment, keep it to yourself because nobody cares what you think.

Rule 4 Drumline members also cannot hear Mr. D.

Rule 5 Never follow directions after only being stated once. Doing so would create a standard which is just to much work too maintain. Plus it is entertaining watching people throw hissy-fits when ignored.

Rule 6 Attend practice assuming nothing will be accomplished. That way, after two and a half hours of wasted time goes by and we are no further than when we started, no one can be disappointed for not achieving that night’s objective.

Section Thirteen: Football Games

Rule 1 The real entertainment at the football games is actually in the stands, particularly with the drumline. From the ‘tenor butt dance’ to our rendition of Girls, the drummers manage to provide a much more pleasurable alternative to watching the game itself.

Rule 2 Stands songs were made to be played loud, not well. Don’t worry about tempo, dynamics, clarity, or any of that other garbage. Explore different instrument. Maybe you will find some hidden talent as a saxophonist.

Rule 3 It is a necessity to yell to your pals who may pass by the stands, especially your good friend Specks. Even an insult shows you care.

Rule 4 Mocking the other band as they perform is an excellent way of overlooking the fact that your show was also shoddy. Try to find a fat kid who can’t march as a starting place for your ridicule.

Rule 5 Third quarter, as you all know, is your free time out of the stands. It is not a long time, so use it wisely. Get something to eat from the overpriced vendors and see how much you can sneak back into the stands. Hats are not permitted, but that is only if you are caught eight or nine times first.

Rule 6 Skittles are a great candy, but why ‘taste the rainbow’ when you can use it as ammunition against certain colorguard members.

 Rule 7 It may actually be possible to pay your way through college solely with the money you can mooch off of people. And remember, if the Drumline Captain tells you he needs money, trust him and give him all you can spare.

Section Fourteen: Competition Etiquette

Rule 1 This is the only time when your performance matters. Don’t screw up and ruin it for everyone who did a good job.

Rule 2 Stay relaxed before going on. If you are a girl, you can consult the Drumline Captain on techniques of staying limber. As for the guys, Keith will get you all loosened up.

Rule 3 The performance does not end when you leave the field. When in the stands you must cheer for your band. But do not stop with your school, cheer others on as well. Nothing shows more appreciation than shouting “Tornados” to the band next to you.

Rule 4 A single person’s voice can get lost in such a large crowd. That is why you must bring your own megaphones. They do not have to be appealing in sight or even work well, but should somewhere have written the phrase “No Uglies.”

Rule 5 If you scream and dance while leaving the stadium after earning first place, then you are considered a poor winner. But if you exit while acting like jackasses and holding your sixth place participation plaque, then you must be a drummer.

Conclusion

If you are reading this, it means you have successfully completed the rules and regulation of the Drumline Commandments (or just skimmed through it pretending you’re not illiterate). Continue to study these for the remainder of your years with the band. This book should now be your Bible. I again apologize to anyone insulted or degraded by these, but must stress that everything contained in this book is true. Also, I will accept all compliments in the form of money, gifts, and sex. Remember forever the wisdom of these rules and ponder the sheer intellect required to create them.

Written By Jared Martin