This is a chain fanfic.... one person wrote a part and then another person wrote another part and then passed it on to the next person... I think it's also known as a Round Robin but oh well. Each time you see a line of ~~ then that means the next person is writing. got it? it's a confusing but funny story.
(Oh yeah... I don't own any of the Xena or Hercules characters. They belong to some other people)
Xena and Gabrielle sat at the far table in a tavern and waited for Hercules and Iolaus to arrive.
"Xena do you think something is wrong. They are really late." Gabrielle said nervously. Xena shook her head.
"No... they probably just ran into some thieves or bandits or something... like always" She grinned.
"You're probably right." Gabrielle said, relaxing.
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"So do you think they are worried?" Iolaus asked Hercules as he punched some fat bad guy in the stomach. Hercules banged to other guys heads together.
"Nah. Probably not." He answered.
"Your probably right. It's us. We are always late." Iolaus reasoned. Then when Hercules and Iolaus thought they were finished fighting the bad guys one of them who they didn't see ran up from behind Iolaus and...
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... and bonked him on the head with a frying pan. Iolaus fell to the ground and lost conciousness.
Hercules raced over when he saw the scene. The bad dude ran off into the darkness even though it was daytime. Hercules checked Iolaus head and then picked him up and started to carry him towards town where Xena and Gabrielle were waiting. But he never made it there for some reason. Nobody knows why except me... the writer who is writing this part of the story.
He instead made his way to some stranger's house. He knocked on the door and a beautiful woman opened the door. She gasped when she saw that Hercules was carrying the most beautiful man in his arms and he was unconcious.
"What happened to this handsome man?" She asked Hercules. He raised an eyebrow.
"A bad guy hit him on the head with a frying pan." He answered.
"OH... poor man. What's his name?" She asked as she guided Hercules over to a bed and motioned for him to put Iolaus there.
"I'm Hercules and this is Iolaus." He said. He expected to get some sort of reaction to his name. He was very disapointed when there was none.
"Oh... Iolaus.... what a beautiful name. I'm Kelli." Said the woman who will now be referred to as Kelli because that's her name.
"That's a pretty cool... er I mean a pretty name." He said. She nodded and stroked Iolaus' hair.
"Yes I know. I have a beatiful name. Not even half as beautiful as Iolaus though." Kelli said. She then looked at Hercules.
"Why are you still here? Don't you have a room at the inn or something?" She asked, annoyed. Hercules shook his head.
"Oh... well you can sleep in the barn then" Kelli said. Hercules went out to the barn then and left her alone with Iolaus. She just stared at the beautiful unconcious form and finally fell asleep herself.
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All of a sudden Keith the Gopher popped up and exclaimed "Did I say you could touch Iolaus...put the sticker..kelli did we say you could talk"
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They called Keith a gopher because Kelli would often send him on errands for her. He was really a hired hand. When Hercules saw him, he asked Keith if he wouldn't please take a message to Xena and Gabrielle.
"Do you know th Dew Drop Inn?"
"I'm familiar with it."
"Do you know what Xena Warrior Princess looks like?"
"Everyone knows what Xena looks like."
"Would you please ask Xena and Gabrielle to follow you back here? It's important. Here, I'll write you a message you can bring them."
Keith brought the message to Xena and Gabrielle and they read shooed Keith away and read the message.
"Iolaus has been hurt. He's staying at a woman's house named Kelli. Should we go there now?" Xena asked. Gabrielle nodded.
"Yeah. I want to be there when he wakes up." Gabrielle said.
"I doubt you'll get near him with this Kelli girl. It sounds like she's pretty obsessed with him and his beauty." Xena shook her head.
"Well, he is good looking." Replied Gabrielle.
"And I have more experance with him than she does there is no way he would give up achance with me for her..."
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Little does Gabrielle no but she has been put on another obbsesion spell from aphrodite...When...
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when Xena suddenly gets this urge to... eat. She goes to the counter and orders 5 glasses of ale and 7 bowls of stew. Gabrielle raised her eyebrow at that. She decided that she would go to this Kelli's house and visit Iolaus.
Aphrodite decided it would be fun to try this on the guys so she goes over to Hercules and puts a spell on him and he becomes obsessed with making sure Iolaus is safe at all times since he was thinking about Iolaus's injury at the time.
Then she looked over the sleeping Iolaus who looked so sweet and cute while speeping. She decided not to give him as much as the others but enough for a small obsession. He was beginning to come to at the time and Kelli was right above him. He heard her voice and saw her face and was suddenly obsessed with Kelli.
Iolaus awakens in front of Kelli and she immediately hugs him! He gladly accepts the hug and whispers to Kelli:
"I don't know who you are, but I'm sure happy you're here!"
Kelli replies by saying "It's love at first sight!"
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Hercules' eyes widen all of a sudden! He jumps into the air and knocks Kelli to the floor, leaving Iolaus in a hugging position. Iolaus looks over at Hercules and says:
"Whad'ya do that for?!"
Hercules: "It was for your own good!!! If your face had been just a few inches lower, she could have suffcated you with her..."
At that moment, Gabrielle says makes a noise sounding like "A-hrm hrm" and Hercules turns his face to her.
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Hercules: "Uh hi....what was your name again?"
Gabrielle: "Gabrielle, of course! You must've heard of me! I mean, is there anyone alive who hasn't heard of Gabrielle the Great?"
Hercules: "Oh...oh...yeah! You go around with Xena, right?"
Gabrielle: "Actually, XENA is the one who goes around with ME!"
Hercules: "Speaking of Xena...where is she?"
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Meanwhile, in the Tavern, Xena finishes her last bowl of stew. She is a mess and has spilled food all over her armour... At that moment, the doors of the tavern swing open... and who else was there, but Joxer the Mighty? He has a lute and comes in singing, as usual!
Joxer: Joxer the Mighty! Blessed by Aphrodite! Here at the Dew Drop Inn... With his very evil twin!
As this line ends, Jett shows up behind Joxer and takes the lute away from him.
Jett: C'mon, little bro! You look like a jackass!
Joxer: But... you know how I like to make an entrance! Gee! Can't you at least let me finish my song?
Jett takes the lute and smahses it on his knee, then hands it to Joxer.
Jett: By all means.
Jett continues walking into the Inn, Joxer behind him, examining his now broken lute.
Xena remembers Jett from the last time they met.
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Xena: Jett...I'm guessing you escaped from jail.
Jett: Yeah...
Jett approaches Xena.
Joxer: Huh? He told me that they let him go free 'cause he promised them that he'd be really really good from now on!
Jett: ...what're you gonna do about it, Xena?
Xena: Well, there is only one way to deal with scum like you!
Xena walks over to the bar and takes a huge piece of bread.
Jett: Oh no! Xena's gunna hit me with the loaf of bread! I'm sooooo scared!
Xena: Actually, THIS is for me.
Xena takes a huge bite out of the loaf and grabs her chakram wit her other hand and pulls it back.
Xena: THIS is for YOU!
Xena throws the Chakram towards Jett...
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Hercules, probably the only other person in the world other than Callisto who could catch the chakram and take it away from Xena, snatched it in mid-air, saving Jett's life.
"Xena," he said, "I need your help. Iolaus is acting strangely. It looks like the gods have been playing tricks on us again. We're the victims of enchantment."
"Izzat so?" said Xena. "And what exactly have the gods done to you."
"That's the good news. So far they haven't gotten to me." Hercules shook his head wildly, and suddenly started to notice some things about Xena he hadn't noticed in quite awhile.
"Xena," he said, "You are so sexy and beautiful. You're all covered in food. You need some cleaning up."
"Herc, take it easy..."
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"No," cried Hercules. "It's as if I've never really seen the true you before, Xena! C'mere, you big buff barbarian!"
But as he reached for her, the air was rent by the sharp scream of a damsel in distress. For in the confusion, Jett had konked Joxer on the head, and hurled his throwing knife into the heart of a young woman who had been sitting innocuously in the corner of the tavern.
"HaHA!!" Jett exclaimed. "My mission is accomplished, my target has now been assassinated. Great tormenting you again, little bro'..." he said to Joxer's semi-conscious form and with a swirl and flourish Jett was out a window and lost to the murky darkness of the night.
"I got a bad feeling about this..." muttered Xena, as she and Hercules moved over to the lifeless body in the corner.
"Who do you think she is?" asked Hercules, as they beheld a teenage girl dressed in the leather, mail, and fur accoutrements of a warlord, a slender rapier still clutched at her side.
"I don't know," said Xena, "but she died with a sword in her hand."
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Kelli and Ioulas went walking out side to see the girl that died with a sword in her hand. Kelli imediately recognised her. She gasped.
"That's WarLord Girl, otherwise known as Heidi. She the high priestess of the evil god of stickers, Keith." SHe yelled and buried her face in Iolaus' chest. Iolaus grinned madly and comforted her.
Gabrielle walked over and took the sword out of Heidi's hand to check her reflection.
"Hmmm... Oh yeah. Looking good." She nodded to herself.
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The ten Joxers walked over and started singing Joxer the mighty at full volume to Gabrielle. SHe plugged her ears and screamed for Xena's help. Xena, now 5000 pounds slowly made her way to Gabrielle while knocking over and smooshing 9 of the Joxers. One was left standing and he ran like a baby into the woods.
"What do you want Gabrielle. I'm trying to eat here." She said. Hercules got one look at Xena and ran into the woods to vomit. He came back groaning and then saw Xena standing next to Kelli and Iolaus.
"Iolaus!!! Stay away from the giant!!" He screamed. He was terrified for Iolaus and his new found love's safety. Iolaus picked up Kelli and ran into the woods. Xena tried to run after him. Keith, god of stickers, then appeared and picked up WarLord Girl up just in time so she wasn't squished by Xena, the whale.
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"Oh... my poor priestess. I'll bring you back to life." He whispered stroking WarLord Girl's hair. He waved his hand and then looked up with an annoyed look on his face.
"Kelli! Get back here! Look at this mess! It's all your fault! And where did you get that sticker! Give it back now!" Keith yelled. Kelli heard his yells and screamed for Iolaus to keep Keith away from her.
"I'll do anything for you my dear love. I would die for you if I have to." Iolaus said. Then Ares appeared....
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...and saw the gross mess that was now Xena. Threw up all over Gabrielle, and then ran away screaming like a girl. Gabrielle absolutly disgusted at what Ares just did started to cry and told Xena she was taking her to a health farm. Xena totally horrified at this idea shed 4850lbs almost immediatly.
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Somewhere in the woods, Autolycus was walking around the trees carefully. He saw Ares running into the woods with a sick face and screming like a little girl. Autolycus leaped out...
Autolycus: Halt! It is I, the King of Thieves, here to rob you blind. Now, cooperate, or I'll have to hurt you.
Autolycus then grinned and Ares looked at him strangely. Autolycus then became frightened as Ares said:
Ares: Do you know who you're talking to? I'm the god of War! Fear me!
Autolycus: God of War, huh? Then tell me, "Ares," Why would the god of War be running away from someone?
Ares: It's Xena...she turned into a giant!
Autolycus: Uh...if you say so...
Autoycus looks at Ares as if he was mad.
Ares: It's true! Go see for yourself. Now leave me alone, maggot!
Ares then vanishes, having recomposed himself.
Autolycus, seeing Ares dissapear: Well, whaddaya know, he is a god!
Autolycus heads towards the town and sees Xena standing there, her regular weight. Also there was Hercules, Iolaus, Kelli, nd Gabrielle. Keith, the god of stickers, had dissapeared, seeing that Xena had reverted to her original form somehow.
Autolycus: Xena! Some crazy god who clamed to be Ares just said that you were a giant... I showed him who was boss!
Xena: I was, Autolycus...but Gabrielle made me feel better about myself... I don't feel like eating anything anymore.
Hercules, upon hearing the name of Autolycus, recalled that he was the King of Thieves. He ran up to him and shoved him aside.
Hercules: You're not going to steal anything from Iolaus!
Autolycus: OUCH! Hey, Herc. Lay off! I wasn't going to steal anything...
Seeing that Hercules was busy stopping Autolycus from trying anything, Kelli and Iolaus resume kissing each other.
Gabrielle: We have to help get the curse off them, Xena! I seem to have gotten better after helping you shrink down to your regular size.
Xena: You're right, Gabrielle. We must help them!
Xena looks over at Iolaus and Kelli.
Xena: Iolaus! Show Hercules that you can take care of yourself!
Iolaus stops kissing Kelli for a moment.
Iolaus: How, Xena?
At that moment, a giant monster came in. It was a Titan human with two heads, one a man's head and the other a woman's head.
Xena, looks up at the moster: That'll do!
Man's Head: Fe Fi Fo Fum
Woman's Head: Oh, shut up, Karl! You're always saying that stupid little rhyme. Let's just destroy this village!
Man's Head: Duhhh...Okay, Maxine...
The huge two-headed titan, known from now on as an ettin, begins stomping on the houses inthe village, and the villagers scatter around. Iolaus looks up at the monster and knows that he must defeat him...er...her... er... it... To show Hercules that he can take care of himself and break the curse. Hercules stops strulling with Autolycus and sees the ettin.
Hercules: I'll defeat it!
Iolaus: No, Herc, stand back!
No onto Part 2 of this WONDERFUL story!