The X-Files*…I love that show as well as just about anybody can. But sometimes, we all go a little spoofy. Everything that is not property of someone else (and these things are noted. Just see the footer at the bottom of the page and match the symbol with the one in the text.) are my ideas. They are, however, free to be used by others in the subsequent adventures of Sculder and Mully, as long as the PG-13 rating barrier is enforced, and a link to this page is included. And with no further ado, here is my spoof. Please, enjoy.
(And yes, it's meant to be that way)
(This X-Files spoof never exceeds PG-13, so if you're looking for something weird, look elsewhere. Thank you.)
Sculder: A dashingly handsome, tall, dark-haired FBI agent. Firm believer in the paranormal. Secretly in love with Mully, and tormented by the belief that she can never love someone who doesn't believe that everything can be explained by science.
Shallow Esophagus: Sculder's informant, who has recently decided to hop on the bandwagon and fall in love with Mully.
Mully: Beautiful, exceedingly intelligent, red-haired, absolutely superlative, all-around great person. Sculder's partner at the FBI, she has a background in medicine. Firm believer in science, but still religious. Secretly in love with Sculder, and tormented by he belief that he can never love someone who thinks everything must have a rational explanation.
Bubble-Gum Chewing Man: Cryptic bad guy, never seen without a wad of Even More-lys Bubble-Gum in his mouth. He was supposed to smoke, but it might have sent the wrong message and produced several chain smokers in the younger set if a person of any power, bad or good, was seen with a tobacco product.
Watch Clicking Man: slightly more helpful member of The Group. For some reason, he always has this little black and white digital travel alarm clock that he calls his "Pocket Watch" and he is constantly opening it and clicking
it closed.
This is my Watch, which inspired this character. Yes, the time is 10:13, for anyone who's wondering.
The Great Flying Melba Toast: Thinly sliced, medium brown, and crispy, The Great Flying Melba Toast wings through the air, savior of goodness and right; defender of mankind, Sound Person-kind, and cute, fuzzy animals. An all-around great piece of toast.
Scene I: on street, outside apartment building.
Sculder: (running from his apartment) Shallow Esophagus! Can you tell me where the truth is? I've got to know the truth!
S. E.: What exactly do you want to know the truth about?
Sculder: Why does that matter?
S. E.: Because the truth is in different places for different things. It wouldn't all fit in one spot.
Sculder: About the extraterrestrials. I've got to know if there are aliens.
S. E.: Now why in the world would you want to know that? You've never considered the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything**? I thought you were supposed to ask about that.
Sculder: Wrong story. Besides, everyone knows it's 42. Why do you think I picked that as my apartment number?
S. E.: (smirking) Yes, 42 … so they say.
Sculder: So, you were about to tell me the truth …
(Shallow Esophagus does not appear to comprehend. He holds his head at an angle and looks at Sculder quizzically.)
Sculder: (prompts) … about the aliens…
S. E.: (nodding) Oh, right! It'll cost you. I want Mully's phone number.
Sculder: First, tell me where the truth is.
S. E.: Alright. Look in the X-Flies. You'll find the truth by looking there. (Takes out a pad of paper and a pencil) Now, Mully's number.
Sculder: Ready? I'm only going to say this once. Mully is number one on my speed dial, and also number one in all other respects. Plus, she's my girl, even though I haven't told her because I'm just secretly in love with her and tormented by the belief that she can never love a man who doesn't think everything can have a rational explanation, and if I catch you calling her for any purposes other than professional, I'll sic Ivanova*** on you. She will tell you never to call Mully again. At that point, you will become acquainted with this chant: "Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out." Got all of that?
S. E.:Umm…yeah, I think so. Are you sure that's it?
Sculder: Trust me. Her phone number was in there. (Smirks, and walks away)
Sculder: Mully! Shallow Esophagus told me where to find the truth! It's in the X-Flies. (He points to a closed door)
Mully: That's very nice, Sculder, but … did you say flies?
Sculder: Yep. Uh-huh.
Mully: (Pulls some latex gloves out of her pocket, as an evil grin creeps onto her face and a sparkle into her eyes) May I do …
The two look curiously around the room for the source of the
Sculder: Where did that come from?
Mully: Beats me. It's just, every time I say …
Sculder: (Grinning) Spooky.
Mully: So can I do the
Sculder: (whispering) but you have lines. I don't want to do this without you, Mully. I don't know if I can. I don't know the first thing about <…> (pre-emptively) oh, don't you dare!
Person: (appears suddenly, carrying drum) Great Flying Melba Toast! I can't work with this! I don't have to deal with being slighted just for doing my job. I have rights, too, you know. I could walk out right now, and then where would you be, may I ask?
Sculder: Who are you?
Person: I am a Sound Person. My name is Bum BaBum the Drummer.
Sculder: Why couldn't I see you before?
Person: Can you see sounds?
Sculder: Uh, no.
Person: Well, you can't see Sound People either.
Sculder: So, why can I see you now?
Person: Great Melba Toast! You really are dense sometimes, aren't you? I am the visual representation of a sound person. Do you want me to explain that one? Visual means you can see it, and…
Sculder: You know, you have something of an attitude problem, Mr. Bum.
Person: By the Great Flying Melba Toast, he says I have an attitude problem? I don't have to take this from you! I'm leaving. (Storms away. At the last minute, turns around) And that's Mr. BaBum. (Exit, stage left)
Mully: (whispers) autopsy… (Louder) autopsy. He's gone! Thank you, Sculder.
Sculder: You might want to hold on to that thank you. I have something
to say that you might not like.
Mully: Just give it to me straight, Sculder.
Sculder: They're not really flies.
Mully: (confused) but you said…
Sculder:I know. Some author wannabe kept misspelling it. They're actually files, not flies. Plus, that same person mixed up the consonant sounds at the beginning of our names. Kept muttering something about spoons**** when I asked her about it.
Mully: Weird. Can I at least use my scalpel to break the seal?
Sculder: (sheepishly) um, they're not sealed. There's nothing to use a scalpel on.
Mully goes over to a corner of the room and sits on the floor, glowering. She snaps her latex gloves continuously. Sculder walks to the door to the room with the X-Flies, hoping to find something for Mully to use her scalpel on, so she'd return to normal. He opens the door. Lo and behold…
Sculder: Mully! Mully, they really are flies! Big flies. I was wrong. You get to do your autopsy after all! (At the word autopsy, Mully's head perks up) Did you hear me? You can do an autopsy. And they're already dead, so just pick one.
Mully: (runs into the room) I call dibs on the biggest one! YES! I get to do the AUTOPSY! I get to do the AUTOPSY!
She snaps the latex gloves with a satisfying snap sound, and pulls a collapsible play-doctor kit out of her brief case. She puts on a mask and picks up a plastic scalpel.
Sculder: Why don't you have a real one?
Mully: (without lifting her head from the cadaver) The insurance won't cover sharp objects. It's too easy to get hurt, they said, so we make do with our plastic equivalents.
Sculder: (nodding understandingly, pulls out a water pistol from his holster) Just like they wouldn't let us have real guns.
Mully: (still not looking) Yeah, just like.
A smile creeps across Sculder's face. He squirts Mully with the water pistol.
Mully: Hey! You can't do that while I'm doing my autopsy! (Takes out her own water pistol, squirts Sculder) Take that!
They run around the room squirting until both are out of water. Then, Mully continues the autopsy. She cuts open the fly, and gasps.
Mully: GASP!
Sculder: What is it, Mully?
Mully: The … truth.
Sculder: Let me see. Lemme SEE! (Jumping up and down excitedly) I wanna know. I wanna KNOW!
Mully: (steps aside) See for yourself.
Sculder: (looks inside. Pauses for a moment) The truth. It says 'The Truth'. That's IT? After all the searching I've done, the truth in the X-Flies is just 'The Truth'? Well, maybe the REAL truth isn't in the X-Flies. Maybe Shallow Esophagus lied. Maybe it's out THERE (gestures to outside the building). I'm telling you, Mully, the Truth is out there!
Mully: Well, Sculder, it's certainly not in here, (pokes around a little more) unless this map is supposed to show us where it is. (Pulls out a piece of remarkably well preserved paper, for being in a dead fly)
Sculder: (gazing in barely concealed admiration) You're a genius, Mully. Let's follow the map.
Mully: Thank you. Why didn't we take the car?
Sculder: Insurance. Car accidents are too dangerous, so we don't get cars to save on the premiums, like with the guns and the scalpel.
Mully: Ah. (She pushes the button for the elevator) You know, many accidents occur every year on (she smiles wickedly) elevators when the cables break.
The elevator inexplicably disappears
Mully: And, falling down stairs is very hazardous to your health.
The word "Stairs" on the door vanishes
Sculder: Why'd you do that, Mully? Now we have no way to get to the room where The Group is having their secret meeting, probably talking about aliens. That's where the Truth is, and now we can't get there.
Mully: Relax, we'll get there. Remember the Plot Convenience Rule?
Sculder: If something is necessary, there will be a way to achieve it, no matter what.
Mully: I didn't feel like walking there, so I took away the only ways to get to another floor. Thus, it has to be on this floor so we can get there.
Sculder refills his water pistol and squirts the floor, leaving a path to the nearest door dry
Sculder: Walking on wet floors is dangerous, too. You can slip, and I don't think the insurance covers cracked craniums.
The words "The Group" appear on the only door they can get to. They enter. The room is mahogany-paneled with teak inlays
Mully: You know, you shouldn't use rainforest wood. The rainforests are disappearing almost as fast as good men are.
W. C. M.: What about that guy, the one you work with? He's dashingly handsome; it says so in his description in the character list.
Mully: Sculder? He's a jerk. He's not a jerk, he's just obsessed with these videos that aren't his but always end up in the office VCR somehow.
Sculder: Mully, the only reason I watch those tapes is that I can't have you. You're my reason for living. I don't know what I'd do without you, now that I've met you. I've been secretly in love with you since that day when you first walked in to my office. I just never believed that you could ever love a person who thought that everything doesn't have to have a rational explanation. But I am in love with you, Mully, more than I could ever say.
Mully: (Hopeful, yet skeptical) Well, I must say, I am extremely attracted to you, Sculder. But … we're not even on a first name basis.
Sculder: Mully, the reason for that is … my first name is … (kind of ashamed) Lox.
W. C. M.: Like the stuff that goes on bagels?
Sculder nods grimly and hangs his head
B-G. C. M: (Pops a bubble and laughs) Well, Mully, since Spooky over there seems to belong in someone's breakfast now, why don't you come over here and be my beautiful assistant and prospective love interest?
Mully: Never! Sculder may be lox, but in my book he's a fox. 'Fox' Sculder. (Sculder looks up at her adoringly. She returns the gaze) Besides, I guess I belong in someone's breakfast, too; my first name is Danish! And, he's a nice guy, which you'll never bee … oops … I mean be. I like nice guys.
She goes over to Sculder and gives him a big hug
Mully: Oh, Sculder, there are so many things I want to say, but I'm afraid it would be too mushy. We have to keep this PG-13.
Sculder: Who told you that?
Mully: It says so at the top. Right above where it describes the characters, and by the way, your description fits you to a T.
Sculder: Oh, I see it now. Let's see, Mully: beautiful, exceedingly intelligent, red-haired, …Mully, this doesn't do you justice at all. You defy words.
Mully: Sculder that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sculder: Mully, I love you, and no rating barrier is going to stand in my way!
Sculder takes Mully in his arms and…
Oh, get your dishes clean and bright with Sudzee dish detergent. It doesn't get rid of the spots and dirty icky stuff, but it coats them with a radioactive material that shines so much that you'll be blinded instantly and wouldn't know if your dishes were dirty or not. And you'll die from prolonged exposure in thirty seconds so you wouldn't care anyway. Sudzee dish detergent! You'll never have to wash your dishes again!
Mully straightens her jacket. They turn to face the room*****
Sculder: So, are there aliens or not?
W. C. M.: Sure there are. They're all over the place. But they're not
on Earth. Nosirree. We just fake a whole bunch of photos and videos and stuff.
It's really fun to watch all those people scamper around trying to figure out
the alien conspiracy when we're not doing something else.
Mully: What do you do all the time?
W. C. M.: We play cards. Poker mostly. Sometimes blackjack. Speaking of which, who's dealing?
B-G. C. M.: (pops a bubble) That would be me. Five-card stud, aces high. No wilds. (Bubble-Gum Chewing Man begins dealing with Las Vegas speed and efficiency)
Sculder: But why all the secrecy? It doesn't make any sense.
W. C. M.: Because it's more fun when people think you're doing something weird. We've told you the truth. Now can we get on with our poker game, please?
Mully: Of course. Goodbye.
Sculder and Mully depart. The floor is miraculously dry in a path to the
exit door, allowing them to leave the building
B-G. C. M.: (folds his hand, pops a bubble, then says aloud) Aw, blank. I wish she had stayed with me instead of leaving with that bleeping bagel topping.
W. C. M.: Why? It wasn't in the script. They're the heroes, and we're the villains. Everyone is in love with Mully, so she gets to choose. She is … was ... secretly in love with Sculder. Not so secret anymore. But anyway, she chose him. The script demands that they end up together. You never had a chance.
B-G. C. M.: Who cares about the blank bleeping script?! Of the pair, I think she's the fox. (Something catches his eye) What's that? Look out the window! What is it? Is it a pickle? Is it a pastrami sandwich?
W. C. M.: No! It's the Great Flying Melba Toast.
B-G. C. M.: Melba Toast?
W. C. M.: Yes. Melba Toast.
B-G. C. M.: Just when you think you've seen it all.
Mully: Where are we going, Sculder? This isn't the right way back.
Sculder: We're on our way to the church.
Mully: Why? You're not religious. That's my part.
Sculder: Would you prefer a Justice of the Peace?
Mully: What are you saying, Sculder?
Sculder: (getting down on one knee) Danish Mully, will you give me the honor of being my wife?
Mully: Of course, Sculder, I love you. I will marry you on the conditions that you throw out the tapes and magazines that aren't yours, and you don't renew your subscriptions. Also, we use MY calendar, not the Bikini Girls and Hardware collection.
Sculder: They were only the poorest substitute for seeing your face and being in your company. I'll throw them all away, Mully.
Mully: (pulling him up) You've got yourself a wife.
Sculder: (standing, leans over to kiss her, but sees a black and yellow flying insect) It's a bee! Now I can't kiss you or you'll get stung and sent to Antarctica with a terrible virus. What's more, I'd have to pretend I was Byers so I can escape from the hospital and rescue you. Let's move away from it.
Mully: (turns around, looks at insect) Don't worry, it's not a bee, Sculder. It's a wasp of some sort, I think. I'm not very good at identifying insects, but it's not a bee. I have a sixth sense about these things. You can do whatever…
Sculder kisses Mully with no further hesitation
Mully: …you want.
They walk into the church and get married. Then, they go right outside again
Mully: Well, Sculder, now that we know the truth, and what's in the X-Flies, what should we do?
Sculder: It's our honeymoon, honey. How would you feel about visiting Jersey? (Gives her a meaningful look)
Mully: (jokingly) You devil.
They walk down the road a little ways
Sculder: If you could read my description, why didn't you know I was secretly in love with you?
Mully: Part B of the Plot Convenience Rule. If information is not to be known before a certain point, it looks like a blank spot on the page up until that point. I just couldn't see it.
Sculder: Ah. Now I understand.
They walk a little further down the road
Mully: Any ideas on what we should name our kids, Sculder?
Sculder: Well, Mully, I've always been partial to 'Sam'…
*-The X-Files and all things involved with the show are the property of Fox Entertainment and Chris Carter. If you don't understand something used in this spoof, watch the X-Files on Saturdays and Sundays on Fox, or weekdays at 8pm and 11pm on the cable channel FX, Fox gone cable, or on any network in your area that shows the X-Files. In fact, watch anyway. It's worth it…
**-The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is from the series by Douglas Adams that begins with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. If you haven't read the series already read it. It is highly recommended. Everything involved with the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is property of Douglas Adams.
***-Susan Ivanova is the second in command of the space station Babylon 5 in the television series of that same name. The quote is how it is actually heard in the first season episode A Voice in the Wilderness, Part I. I took the wording from an Internet site, but it should still be property of the authors and of the creator J. Michael Straczynski. As far as I know, the series Babylon 5 only airs in the United States on the station TNT. In other countries, you can find it on other stations, but not many would commit to a five-year contract, I think. Babylon 5 is a revolutionary series in that it has a "story arc", a premeditated story line for the entire five years. It is not as well known as most other science fiction shows, but it has quality and is written well. Babylon 5 was a good idea and is a good series. I recommend it.
****-There was, and maybe still is, a professor at a college who mixed up the sounds in words like this fairly often. He was still a very good professor. His last name was, and still is, Spooner. So, the act of mixing up the sounds is called a spoonerism.
*****-This was a test of how a blank point in a story causes people's imaginations to run wild. They kissed, and that's it. If you imagined anything other than that, consider what thought processes led you to that conclusion. It may give you some insight into your mind. Understanding oneself is very important. It was once said, "First, know thyself." Good advice. Self-understanding is the first step towards self-improvement.
Scene III: After walking for approximately half an hour, they stop in front of a large building. Sculder opens the door for Mully.
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Scene IV (not saline. This is the Roman numeral that stands for the number 4): back on the street walking, but not heading for the J. Edgar Hoover Building.
THE END
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