Disclaimer: (to: Battle Hymn of the Republic) Now my name is not Chris Carter And I don't own the Files Of alien conspiracies and government denials I'm just a High School student who watches The X-Files I wish they'd keep marching on!!!! (Like it? Love it? Want some more of it? visit my web page at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Keep/5507 and check out my Song Parodies! Yes, I am begging shamelessly.) Rating: T,H,(Adventure, Humor) G (I even cleaned up a few parts of the script. It's implied if you look hard enough, but you should be okay.) Summary: I took the episode Jose Chung's: From Outer Space and poked some fun at it using the characters. I added a bunch of stuff just for fun to the script. Please keep in mind that while it may sound an awful lot like the original I can in no way guarantee the accuracy of any of these quotes. Most of them I changed in some form or another. I don't know if you will find this funny, but I hope it will at least be amusing. Spoilers: Jose Chung's: From Outer Space, obviously and probably anything up and including season 6 just to be on the safe side. Author's Note: Just a bit of fun in the spoof mode. Not to be taken seriously or with food and drink. UPDATED VERSION: A note to the author who wrote the MiSTing to this ep which is posted on Gossamer. I went back to make sure I didn't accidentally copy the jokes and riffs. Mulder's comment is meant as a tribute. Thank you for many enjoyable hours of reading! Thanks: To my spell checker. Without which, you would never understand a word I said. The Nutshell Files: Jose Chung's: From Outer Space By: Happy Teaser: It's a Star Destroyer! Oh, wait, it's just the telelphone repair crane. Innocent Victim's car drives down the road. Harold: (singing off-key) Every night in my dreams. I see you... Chrissy: (giggles) Harold, I like you alot, but please...this is only our first date. Harold: (mumbles something about movie stars.) Car dies. Chrissy: What happened? I mean, aside from the obvious. (The blazing light of a UFO) Chrissy: Harold, what are those? Harold: Well, unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last 50yrs I'd say they were aliens. But I'm supposed to be a stupid victim so "offically" I'll say. "How the heck should I know?!" (Aliens walk forward towards the car and the victims start slumping down in their seats.) Harold: Maybe if we duck under the dashboard they won't see us! Chrissy: Yeah, now all we need are some "magic covers" to hide under! Herold: We'll just have to make do with what we have, remember! If we can't see them they can't see us! (Well, whaddya know! They *are* grey!) (As they Grey aliens attempt to abduct the teens who seem to have lost all voluntary movement *another* UFO comes down!) (Someone places a red piece of paper over the spotlight and Lord Kimbote walks towards them waving his arms angrily.) Grey One: Jack, um, what is that thing? Grey Two: How the heck should I know? Er..sorry Harold wrong line. (Opening Credits: XF Theme.) (A bunch of commercials for products you never knew existed, but desperatly need. With appologies to Bill Watterson.) (Show the "I want to Believe" poster.) (Show Jose Chung standing in front of the "I want to Believe" poster.) Jose: I never thought much before...er..*about* it before. Probably because I'm an alien. Scully: (gives him a funny look) You mean from another country of course. I mean, you couldn't possible be an EBE because they don't exist. Right? Jose: (shifts uncomfortably) Um, sure. Whatever you say. Anyway, to be worried about aliens from other planets is like worrying about what you are going to have for dinner tonight when there is a tiger stalking you. What these people *really* should be worried about is the government. I hear your partner is the actual expert on those..what did you call them? EBE's? Scully: (obviously not hearing a *word* this guy's said) I loved your book "The Lonely Buddha"! Jose: Well, not only does it seem that you are smart and beautiful but you also have..heh..good taste. Scully: (mentally counts up the number of people to hit on her through the seasons, but stops after half an hour has passed.) So why do you want to write a book on alien abduction if you don't believe? Jose: (waking up having fallen asleep during the half hour Scully was counting) The same reason you stay down here looking for something you don't believe in. Scully: (goes to say something that would make a *whole* lot of shippers very, very happy...) Jose: Money, duh! Scully: Uh, yes, of course. Money. Well, no complaints from me so long as you at least attempt to record the truth. Jose: (picks up a pen) The truth, my dear agent, is as subjective as reality. Scully: (glares) You work for Cancerman...don't you. Jose: No, but I enjoy his books. Well, I'm ready to hear your side of the story. Let's just try not to make your partner sound like an annoying older brother this time. Scully: Not enough time had passed for it to be considered a missing person case, the girl had been found the following morning. (change scene to Chrissy with Scully doing a voice over.) Scully: She had experienced what my partner so origionally called, "missing time". She showed some signs of physical abuse. Her clothes were also on backwards. Jose: I've had mornings like that. Scully: (sounds as if she has turned to look at him) This morning? Jose: (sheepisly) Yeah. Scully: That night, they stopped by for a visit. (Chrissy wakes up with a bloody nose in time to see a Grey alien grab at her feet. She turns on the light to discover it's only a stuffed toy cat. Even more horrified she backs up to the window. Sound of rock hitting the glass. She looks out to see a shadow with a rather large head.) (Show Harold desperatly trying to grab his shadow and stick it back onto his feet.) Harold: I tired...(grr. come here you!) ...my best. Chrissy: Right... Harold: Don't you even remember??? (Harold is questioned) Harold: We...we..Could someone please hold that que-card up higher? Thanks. (clears throat) We were abducted by aliens. BleepMan: You don't sound so sure of that. Harold: Sue me. I left my glasses at home! BleepMan: You willin' to take the test? (disgustedly) You innocent victim, I hate your guts for no reason at all! Harold: (squinting off stage) I guess...I raped...her..WHAT?! Mulder: You don't sound so sure of that. BleepMan: Hey! (Mulder talks to Chrissy) Mulder: When you look at something, does it sometimes look like something else? Chrissy: Only if it's dark. I have a really overactive imagination! Scully (v/o): My partner was convinced she was suffering from Post Abduction Syndrom. Jose: What is your opinion of hypnosis? Scully: It's been known to make memory worse, since many people are prone to confabulation. Just look at my partner, he can't even keep his own story about his sister's abduction straight! Jose: When I was researching the "Calgarian Candidate"... Scully: (dreamily) The *greatest* spy thriller ever written! Jose: (chuckles) Thanks. As a storyteller, I'm fasincated how a person's sense of consciousness can be changed with mere words. Hypnotist: You are feeling very sleepy. (Author gives a big yawn.) Hypnotist: Your body drifts further and further...but from what I don't know. Hypnotist: Can you recall where you are? Chrissy: I'm in a room, on a spaceship...I know that because I can see a buch of aliens standing around me and it all looks futurey and stuff. Hypnotist: What do the aliens look like? Chrissy: Oh, you know. Short humanoid with green/grey skin and liquid black eyes. The usual. Harold's on another table. Really out of it. They seem to be arguing. (In Rusian?) He's telling me this is for the good of my planet... Funny, I coulda' sworn he said *our* planet at first. It's like he's inside my mind. (Mulder and Scully go over what Chrissy said) Mulder: It's all characteristic of a typical abduction Scully: That's my problem Mulder, it's a little too typcial Mulder: Fine! Name me *one* a-typical abduction! Scully: Okay, so there aren't any, but still.... Scully: Ask someone what it would be like to be abducted... They'd give you the same story. Mulder: The one about the Mad Scientist trying to rule the world by making us watch bad movies? Manners: You really bleeped up this case! Scully: He didn't actually say "bleeped" he said... Jose: I'm familiar with that... more colorful metephor. Scully: No, he actually said "fudged", but I'm on a diet right now and the last time someone mentioned that I held up a f-store with my glock. Long story short, I'm on probation right now. Jose: (looks fearfully at her and scoots his chair away.) Manners: Those stories couldn't be more bleeping different! Did you, or did you *not* read the script?! (Scully holds her head in her hands, although how she does this I'm not quite sure.) (We pan into a set of bars) (Author winces as all the glasses and bottles come crashing down. Oh, wrong type of bar.) (Harold, trapped with Chrissy, hears moans of pain and agony) (Harold sees Grey alien in another cell across the way.) Harold: All he did was...was... (We see alien smoking a cigarette) Harold: Hey! Those will kill you! Grey #1: Bite me! (Chrissy wakes up) Harold: Don't worry, I'm here to protect you. I won't let anything happen to you. Until your capture scene. (Bright light comes and captures Chrissy) Harlod: Hmm..that was quick. Harold: The grey alien kept saying the same thing over and over. Grey #1: This is not happening. This is not happening. Harold: Will you shut up already! Gery #1: (in a hurt voice) Why do you keep yelling at me?! All I..(sniff) want is my moment in the spotlight! Is it too much to ask?! (sobs) (Harold is captured by the light. Grey #1 stops sobbing and returns to chanting.) Harold: All the time I was like this. (holds fist to head) In pain. The test answer was there. On the tip of my tounge and I just couldn't get it! Harold: You know when you were a kid and you tore the legs off a bug for no reason? (Mulder glares at him) Harold: I guess I was the bug. Then I was suddenly outside, like I was flying through the air or something. Well, till I hit the ground. Scully: Harold, did you and Chrissy... (Harold freaks) Harold: If her father finds out, I'm a dead man. (Scully and Mulder discuss the info again) Mulder: So... Scully: Needle and thread. (laugh track, canned audience laughter, whatever you call it.) Mulder: Seriously though... Manners: Feel like talking to this blank-hole? Scully: (v.o.) This time he said... Jose: (v.o. and cutting her off) I'll take your word for it. Rocky: What I have to say needs to be said. Mulder: Why? Rocky: Well, if I don't then I won't get paid and I really hate Macarroni and Cheese. Mulder: Now *that's* an X-File! Rocky: Okay, I wrote it all down but I'll read it to you anyway. (Rocky sits at table. Suddenly garage door opens by itself.) (Black car suddenly zips into garage) (Window rolls down to reveal Jesse Ventura as a Man In Black) Jesse: Did you know nothing is misidentified more often as a UFO than the planet Venus? Rocky: Yup! And at the time of viewing Venus was off to my right at about 30 degrees. I have this really cool Space program on my computer that tells me these things. Jesse: (accusingly) Ad-libber! Rocky: You see, that was the unusual thing. Scully: (slightly amused) Getting a visit from the governor of Minnesota when you never contributed to his campaign? Rocky: Normally I would've yelled at them to get off my property, but it was like I was in a trance. All I can remember is how they were dressed. They were... Mulder: All in black? Rocky: Um, yeah..I think so. Mulder: Since the '50s people have reported encounters with these unearthly Men in Black. Even though they are "of this earth" I have to say "unearthly" beacuse it sounds so much cooler! Jose: The movie was great! Scully: I don't think a cool movie will give any more credence to Rocky's testimony. Jesse: James Earl Carter Jr. thought he saw a UFO once. Rocky: I'm a Republican. Whatever that means. Jesse: I assure you, it was Venus. Rocky: What I saw... (Jesse starts long speech about the "concept of perception") Jesse: Yet you brazenly declare that seeing is believing? Expecially considering you don't have your glasses?! Jesse: Your scientific illiteracy makes me shrudder. Rocky: The Earth is flat! Jesse: (shudders) Rocky: HA! The power!!!! Jesse: If you do (tell anyone), you're a dead man. Rocky: Well, we haven't had a strange unexplained death yet this episode so, why not? (Car pulls out of garage backwards at high speed) Rocky: I have to go pack. Mulder: (looking at Rocky's text.) Where can we find you. Rocky: You won't find me. I'm going to vanish without a trace then die from an unexplained cause. Mulder: The usual then? Rocky: (sighs) Yeah, same old, same old. (Mulder reads Rocky's transcript) (Rocky hides under truck dashboard) Lord Kimbote: Rocky! Rocky! Rocky: That's my name don't wear it out. Lord Kimbote: No harm will come unto thee. Rocky: What? LK: Thou shalt be the safest of all thy bretheren in this episode. Rocky: (mumbling to himself) What did he say? Thou, shaltest wouldest, couldest? Huh? Mulder (reading): He took me though the Earth's inner core. Scully: In short, Rocky showed signs of being a fantasy prone personality. Now it wasn't just the fact that he thought Star Wars was real that tipped us off... Jose: He's a nut! I just read his manifesto! I don't know what was worse, his account of the Inner Core.. Or that the whole thing is written in screenplay format. Surely you're partner didn't believe him. Scully: Mulder has had his own pecular notions and is not one to dismiss anything outright. Unless, it's grounded in science and totally believable. Scully: Mulder, you're nuts! (looks at Mulder who is calling on his cell phone) Who are you calling? Mulder: I'm going to have her rehypnotized. Scully: Why? Mulder: To see if what she remembers is really what she remembers. Scully: We went through this with you already. Remember? Hypnotist: You are feeling very sleepy. (Author gives another yawn. Half an hour has passed.) Hypnotist: You are very relaxed. Scully (v/o): So the girl was put under hypnosis again...and again...and again...and again. Till she stuck tape on herself and sang the Martian National Anthem, backwards! Chrissy: Men are lifting me off the ground. Men in Air Force uniforms. I see...I see...Maverick! Goose! You're not dead! Scully: (is fuming at the Air Force, Navy mix up) Mulder: (stage-whisper) Please don't kill her Scully. She's young, she's been through a lot... Scully: (still mad, but resigned) That's still no excuse... Chrissy: I'm in a room, in an office, surrounded by men. The one closest to me looks like a doctor. Hypnotist: What is he saying? Doctor: You must lower your cholesterol. Er..I mean you are feeling very sleepy...very sleepy...Zzzzz.... Soldier #1: Ask her if this third alien had a Russian Accent. Soldier #2: This is way beyond their capabilities. Soldier #1: (paranoid) How do *you* know? Are you one of them? (crazily) ARE YOU?! TELL ME!!!!! Soldier #2: (smacks Soldier #1) Soldier #1: (relieved) Thanks, I needed that. (Suit guy goes up to girl) Suit guy: Give her the same rigamarole. Chrissy: He's stealing my memories. But seeing as I'm remembering this now, he obviously didn't do that good of a job. Scully: There was more confabulation in the second story than in the first! Mulder: I don't think this case has anything to do with aliens. Scully: Just like, say, *all* of them?! Manners: I just got a call form some crazy blankety-blank saying where he could find a real live dead alien body. Mulder: A real *live* *dead* alien body? Manners: That's what he said. Mulder: (shakes his head.) (scene change) Video guy: I wanted to be abducted by aliens. Jose: Why? Whatever for? Video guy: Where I don't have to worry about finding a job. Or getting a life for that matter. Jose: So, you were out in the field last night... (We see Video guy in the woods) Video guy: I was hoping to stumble across something. (Video guy falls over) Video guy: Boy can I call them or what! Jose: What. Video guy: Darn. Now, I've read every book on UFOs and extraterstials ever written, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. (He runs away) Video guy:I should have known better than to notify the "proper authorities." or to go through "offical channels". Video guy: They showed up with a couple of Men in Black. Video guy: One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. Or else I would have said People in Black. Her hair was red, but it was a little *too* red, you know. The tall lanky one was so blank and expressionless. He'd probably forgotten his coffee that morning, so he didn't even seem human. The only time he reacted was when he saw the dead body. (Mulder yelps) Video guy: (laughing) It was *definitely* a girly scream. Manners: That's a bleeping dead alien body if I ever bleeping saw one. Scully: Wrap it up! Mulder: In what? Spare alien wrapping bags that we just *happen* to have on us? Scully: Duh, what else? Mulder: Okay. Just checking. Scully: (to Video Guy) You never saw this, it didn't happen. You tell anyone about this, you're a dead man! Scully: He said I said WHAT?! Jose: No, not "what". He claims you threatened him. Scully: That's ridiculous... (Video guy runs in with video camera) Manners: Hey! Video guy: Is for horses. Besides, you can't supress this! The people have a right to know! Mulder: (rather dense) Does that camera work? ( Video guy tapes the autopsy, jumping all over the place) Stupendous Yappi: Is this acutal footage of an alien autopsy, or a well made hoax? Jose: So this is footage of the autopsy you performed. Scully: Oh, it's so embarassing. My makeup looks terrible. (Box sez: Dead Alien: Truth or Humbug?) Scully: It was edited to delete all our major findings! Scully: It's a zipper! (Pulls mask off, revealing guy in alien costume) (Costume is off the guy.) Video guy:You mean it's just a dead human being? (runs off to puke) Scully: Newbie. Mulder: Bet we can find his ID through the military data base. Scully: You were right, Mulder. Air Force Major Robert Valley. (Air Force dudes come up) Scully: The major is dead. His body is being detained for futher investigation. Mulder: Possibly kidnapping. Or being *really* early for Haloween. Mulder: You can talk to the other pilot that was with him. Solider: Lieutenant Jack Shaffer is also in your custody? Mulder: Whoops! Guess he's still AWOL. Soldier: A Wild Organ Lunging? Com'on help me out here! (Valley's body is gone) Scully: So what else is new? Mulder: Gotta find the video guy. (Video guy watches tape) (Knock at door) Video guy: Who is it? (Jeese storms in and rips up VCR) Video guy: Um..it might've been easier to just take it with you instead of trying to rip it up. (Other man in black puts hand on Video guy's shoulder) Video guy: Hey, Qui-Gon! (smiles at MIB #2) Wait a second! You're not Qui-Gon!!!! (Jesse gives Video guy a backbreaker move) Video guy: Now just to make sure you maime me, let me call out: "Roswell! Roswell!" Ugh... Jesse: (looking at him lying on the floor) Next time, you better vote for me! Jose: Aren't you worried? Video Guy: I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage. Jose: What did you learn? Video Guy: (in an authoritave voice) I learned that...that...(normal voice) you know, I really can't remember... Jose: (nods) Scully: After not recovering the tape, Mulder headed back to the hotel and took the senic route through the Air Force Base. That's when his account gets a little...odd. Jose: You mean "odder". (Mulder swerves to avoid naked man, but this is television so we'll put some shorts on him.) (Mulder turns car 180) Mulder: Lt. Jack Shaffer? Shaffer: This is not happening. This is not happening. Mulder: Yeah, I know man. I said the same thing when I walked into school in only my underwear. (Shaffer fools with Mashed potatoes in diner, an eerie throwback to Close Encounters.) Shaffer: If the enemy sees a flying saucer from another galaxy, they hesitate. Only for a couple of seconds, but they hesitate. Knows what happens to most people after they see a UFO? Mulder: If this is going to turn into some speech about me getting a life, forget it! I've heard it already. Shaffer: With high powered microwaves, you not only can cut enemy communication, you can cook internal organs. Mulder: Well, let's just forget you said that for a moment. But the abductions? Shaffer: Don't know much about 'em. I'm just a pilot. Shaffer: Ever fly a flying saucer? Mulder: (gives him a dour look) Do you think I would still be in this job looking for them if I had? Shaffer: Afterward, all these earthly thrills seem trite. Mulder: (surprised) Even bungie jumping? Shaffer: Yup. Mulder: What about the abductees? Shaffer: They prefer the term "unwilling participants". We take 'em back to base. Let the doctor's work on 'em. Nothing physical, they just mess with their minds. Mulder: Righttt....absolutely *nothing* physical. Shaffter: I'm sure myself, my co-pilot and those kids were abducted, but I can't be sure it happened. Mulder: (confused) Yeah... Shaffer: I don't know if these mashed potatoes are really here. I don't know if you really exist. Mulder: I assure you I exist. Shaffter: Thanks, buddy. (pause) Um, a "your welcome" would be nice. Mulder: Your welcome. Shaffer: I can't give you the same assurance about me. (Air force troops enter diner) Shaffer: Looks like I'm a dead man. Mulder: What about the 3rd alien? Shaffer (annoyed): Who, Lord Kimbote? Mulder: Yeah, what about him? Why won't you tell me? What did I miss? Jose: That's funny. I had lunch everyday at that same diner, and became dear friends with the owner. He told me a story about the night in question. (Mulder enters diner) (Mulder shows ID to the camera) Jose: Then he ordered piece after piece, each time asking another question. (Every time Mulder gets a new piece of pie he asks a question:) Mulder: Have you ever found a metal implant in your body? Have you checked everywhere?(getting up) Well, I'd really like to ask you some more questions but I'm full. Perhaps another time? Jose: The cook never said anything about Lt. Shaffer. You seem non-non-plussed by these contradictions. Scully: That's a double negative, meaning I'm plussed right? (Mulder opens hotel door to see Men In Black) Mulder: Where's Scully? Jesse: Uh...she had to go get some ice. (Scully comes in hotel room with ice) Mulder: Scully, what's going on here? Scully: Mulder. these men have something very important to tell you. Mulder: (staring at her) Who are you and what have you done with my partner? Jesse: (stepping between them and looking at Mulder) Some UFO abductions are hoaxes preptrated by your government to manipulate the public. And increase box office sales. Jesse: Some of these hoaxes are revealed to manipulate the truth-seekers, who are then discredited if they reveal the deliberately absurd deception. Mulder: Some say the same thing about the Men In Black. So take that. Nah! Mulder: That they dress and behave strangely, so anyone who tries to describe a meeting with them winds up sounding like a lunatic. Jesse: Some people maybe, but you do a good enough job on your own. Mulder glares at him (Man in Black puts hand on Mulder's shoulder) Alex Trebeck: You are feeling very sleepy. Very relaxed... Jose: Alex Trebeck? The game show host? Scully: (quirks an eyebrow up at him) Unless you know of another Alex Trebeck. Anyway, Mulder said it him or someone who looked a lot like him. Jose: Did he? You were there. Scully: Not exactly. I don't have any recolection of this. I..um..had to use the bathroom. Scully: I was surprised to wake up the next morning to find Mulder asleep in my room. Jose: (with teasing tone) Ooh. Scully: But Mulder, I don't even remember letting you in! Mulder: (sitting on the couch in a lifeless voice) You didn't. They were here. (Phone rings) Scully: Scully. (Mulder notices water in ice bucket) (Well, who woulda thunk it! Ice turns into water!) Scully: That was Detective Manners. He said they just found your bleeping UFO. (We see crashed jet) Mulder: (noting all the army guys) They need witnesses to their alibi. (Dead bodies are pulled out) Scully: Huh, I guess Rocky's gonna get off scott free on this one. Looks like these guys are the mandatory murder victims for this ep. (Manners notices Valley's body) Manners: Hey...that was the guy... Scully: No kidding. Manner: Bleep. Scully: (to Jose) I know it doesn't have the sense of closure that you want, but it has more than some of our other cases. Jose: (unconvinced) That's like saying "The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am." (Jose works in his office) (Jose sees shadows outside his office) (Jose nervously goes to door holding a gun. Though he is shaking so badly I doubt he would hit his intended target if he shot.) (Mulder is at the door) Jose: How can I help you, Agent Mulder? Mulder: Don't write this book. Mulder: You'll do a disservice to a field of inquirey that has always struggled for respectability. Jose: You think *I'm* doing a disservice?! Mulder: This deals with alternative realities... Jose: Agent Mulder, have you checked your water lately? Mulder: (babbles on without a pause for breath not hearing a word that Jose has said.) When presented in the wrong context, the incident and the people involved can appear foolish, if not downright psychotic. Jose: (pouting) No one ever listens to me. (mutter's something about Mulder and "he would know".) Mulder: I think there is a covert agenda for your book on behalf of the military industrial entertainment complex. Jose: This book will be written! Jose: This will only benefit if you tell me one thing. Mulder: What? Jose: What really happened to those kids on that night? Mulder: (after a moments thought) How the heck should I know? Jose: Agent Mulder that line has been used at least twice already. You really should try to think up something more imaginative. Now go away. I have deadlines to meet. (Mulder leaves) (Video guy works as a linesman) (Video guy is zapped) (Is he dead? I couldn't tell.) (Rocky leads New Age group) Rocky: Each soul reaches enlightenment at the core owing to the intense temperatures which cause it to spontaneously combust. That's of course assuming your soul can avoid the lava men. (Scully reads "From Outer Space.") Jose: Although Diana Lusky is noble of spirit and pure of heart, she remains a federal employee. (Scully having started to look up at the ceiling suddenly does a double take on reading that last part.) (We see Mulder in bed watching TV) Jose: As for Reynard Muldrake, a ticking time bomb of insanity... Jose: ...one wonders how he could receive any pleasures from his life. Of course he would have to *have* one first. (We see Mulder is watching a Bigfoot tape) (We see Chrissy's room) Jose: She is trying to improve the world. She's started a petition against the FOX network You can reach her at peopleagainstfox@aol.com (Rock thrown at Chrissy's window) (Harold is looking up at Chrissy) Harold: I still love you. Chirssy: Love. Is that all you men think about? Harlod: Well... (Harold walks away depressed.) Jose: In out own separate way in this planet, we are all alone. This is Jose Chung. Good night!