Not too much going on. We are still waiting to hear back from some companies that interviewed Chantz. New York or Texas? Where will we go? Who will call? Can we even go at all? Well~ that last one is only a problem if he takes the job in NY. Texas will move us and it is a better job. I wanna go to Texas! It is warm and nice and warm... But~ (insert deep~ dramatic pause) all of my family is in upstate NY. Not that he will get a position upstate~ we are hopefull. There is an opening in southern NY~ near NYC.

I can breath. I know one way or the other things will get better even if we do have to stay in the Mon-Dak-Wyo-Colorado area. We will just have to get the heck out of here later!

Money money money... always a problem money. Never have enough of it~ don't have enough to move.

So I dream of Texas...

and I dream...

Chantz graduates tomorrow from Wyotech. This should bring happy faces and all that junk but we are so go#$%mn broke money is leaking out of our pockets and shoes and hair... speaking of hair I have the worst haircut I have ever received, even that one I got in upstate New York when I was visiting Ma and the very nice gay stylist made it all POOFY and I can't get the damn gold brassy color out of my new blonde hair come on! it is ash to begin with why won't it stay??? and the cut is awful hello people I have thick course wavy hair--- do not cut it like it is straight and smooth- dumba%*es anyway... And his work can't seem to find his paycheck and like I said our account is leaking money and we really need that check and are we going to have enough for next months rape me- abuse me- extort me- atrociously over the top- rent?

Dear god and we need to pay bills- the cable payment was lost in the mail and our credit already sucks and I have to find out what is going on with that and nothing is fixed in this damn puke off-white kill me now apartment and we have a stupid lease and no one has called yet about subletting this damn hole and I need to put more flyers up but I DON'T WANNA and thank god Chantz has interviews next week at the Career Fair and I hope he gets a good job a New York job a job that can pay our moving expenses job or we are stuck in Hell Wyoming- I mean Laramie WY- remember the Shepperd kid at UW? Yeah that town and I wan't out of here! I want to go home it has been 14 years already I have had enough I miss my family and my dad is gone he was so young and it is not fair why don't men go to the doctor ever? ever ever ever when it can save their life and why is he gone? and why is my son's name now Bruce? and it took me these four months to be comfortable calling my baby Bruce cuz it is so sad and I still cry sometimes I see something on TV or hear a song on the radio and it might be new and he'll never hear it but he would have liked it but he's with me always I can feel him with me all the time you never beleive till it happens to you and you wake up and his presence is there and he is angry and confused and mad because he is gone oh why am I gone and time goes by and he is there looking out for me and you never know until it happens to you so if he is here then he hears those songs and watched Return of the King with me and I don't need to be sad but sometimes I am...

and sometimes I cry oh god why do I still cry? haven't I cried enough for thousands of people and little girls without their fathers and mothers who are sad and not really there and not really a person sometimes because sometimes life sucks and she couldn't deal with glasses breaking or John eating Cereal at night or raisng us cuz she was gone and now she is stuck again and is gone and the migraines are killing her and she gives she gives she gives and they take and nothing is given back to her ever why is life so unfair? why is life so cruel to mothers of daughters and the baby cooed and brightens my day the dayquil is working and I want to go to bed but the thoughts oh the thoughts they come and they come and they come and pour out of me like rain like pain like the stuff from my nose that drains and makes me choke as it goes down the back of my throat and...

well...

and...

the well is dry the words are shriviling like well you can imagine what they shrivel like and stress is good no it is evil and I need to go to the bank and the other bank and call people and do this and that and you Know I won't do any of it any way so get over it and goodbye.