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(Note: only consists of movies I have actually seen in a
movie theatre since this page was created in June 1996 (not counting videos, such as Titanic). Obviously, I don't go to many movies, especially since they cost 10 dollars now (in New York anyway). Ratings are 1-5 Grubs [~].)
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- TWISTER: dumb plot, great effects. ~ ~
- FARGO: dumb people, great movie (my gosh). ~ ~ ~ ~
- INDEPENDENCE DAY: a rip-off of 'War of the Worlds' and not much better,
but it has first-class special effects. ~ ~
- COLD COMFORT FARM: amusing, faithfully based on mildly classic book. ~ ~ ~
- TRAINSPOTTING: 'A Clockwork Orange' for the 90's; great psychotics, and really
good musical background. ~ ~ ~ ~
- STAR TREK--FIRST CONTACT: Wonderful, best of this series of movies -- Picard
and Data and the Borg Queen (Alice Krieg -- wow) are bang-up performers in this. ~ ~ ~ ~
- THE RELIC--Very good horror movie that combines the PC game Shivers, Alien, and The Towering Inferno. The monster is great, also the Chicago Natural History Museum setting. ~ ~ ~
- STAR WARS--Still good, but has dated considerably in spite of the upgrading. Basically a very
juvenile movie -- Lucas really doesn't have the slightest idea of what Science Fiction is about.
~ ~ ~
- EMPIRE STRIKES BACK--Managed to miss this new version, and it was my favorite (not seen this time, it shouldn't really be on this page, but...).
~ ~ ~
- RETURN OF THE JEDI--Jabba the Hutt is the tops, but can't stand those teddy bears.~ ~
- THE FIFTH ELEMENT--Coo-ul! DOOM comes to the wide screen. Absurd fun. Milla Jovovich is lovely,
and Gary Oldman puts in one of his classic off-the-wall performances. Plot makes no sense at all
(these special effects mavens have no idea what SF tries to accomplish).~ ~
- MEN IN BLACK--My kind of movie! Best of its kind since "Ghostbusters" and "Beetlejuice" --
Tommy Lee Jones is the 1990's replacement for James Coburn ('Flint'). Premise is that the US government
has been running a secret intergallactic witness-protection/political-asylum program for aliens for the
last 50 years or so, managed by the 'men in black' agency, and a nasty "bug" alien wetback has sneaked
in and inserted himself into the skin of a redneck as a disguise while he attempts to steal the galaxy in
Orion's Belt.... Ranks up with all-time classics like "The President's Analyst." ~ ~ ~ ~
- CONTACT--Very disappointing. A couple of very good interstellar voyage special effects. Some
fairly amusing satire about government and religion. An extremely tedious and pointless love affair. Much
too long, too sappy, and what's worse, boring. Jody Foster is absolutely humorless and dull in this.
(President Clinton almost steals the show, by proving through sound bytes taken from his news
conferences that he can be talking about anything at all and saying nothing.) ~ ~
- AIR FORCE ONE--Wow, this is an Oh Shit movie (as my wife puts it). Moves so fast you don't have
time to think how ridiculous it is -- for example, you can't shoot off machine guns in an airplane at
40,000 feet without blowing out all the air pressure in the plane, or think about the credibility of an
heroic president who doesn't bail out at the first opportunity. But Gary Oldman does one of his great
off-the-wall performances (does anybody know what this guy actually looks like? --
a master of diguise no matter what weird role he plays). He is the most convincing character in the
whole film, even if the most absurd as a 'realtime' person. And the effects are
great, however stupid the movie is. They couldn't decide how to end this film, so they had at least three
cliffhander endings, one after the other. This is one of those movies like Twister that has to keep pounding you with action to distract you from the realities of such a thing. ~ ~ ~ ~
- BEAN -- first-class idiocy. Rowan Atkinson is the best idiot since Lou Costello. Hilarious, but also
totally pointless. What he does to the portrait of Whistler's Mother is classic. ~ ~ ~
- SAVING PRIVATE RYAN -- very fine war movie with great battle scenes, but it is watered down somewhat by Spielberg's usual cliches and sentimentality. He is a great director, but every one of
his movies is ruined or damaged by sentimentality. ~ ~ ~ ~ [can't believe this is the first movie I've been to since BEAN!]
- LITTLE VOICE (first movie I've seen in a theatre since Private Ryan) -- a very fine
tragicomedy set in Scarborough. It involves the sleaze of provincial English cabarets/music halls, a genre I'm a sucker for. The cast (including Michael Caine and
Brenda Blethyn) is outstanding for its vulgarity. Caine's last song, with the loan-shark
thugs waiting for him when LV doesn't show, is classic -- "...won't be fucking rainbows any more..." And Anne Horrocks, who doesn't speak at all for the first 20 minutes of the movie, but can belt out great imitative music without lip-syncing, is absolutely fantastic, and her shy smile is enough to turn you to jelly. ~ ~ ~ ~
- SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE -- visually splendid, foolishly plotted. The 'in-joke' dialogue is excellent, but this was generally a disappointing movie after all the hype.
~ ~ ~
- THE MATRIX -- Wow, non-stop SF action, and a plot that makes a little bit of sense (great special effects, especially the 'Squid destroyers'). Premise is that it is the year 2199, but the entire human race (almost) are pods and the power supply in a giant computer that makes everybody think they live in 1999 Chicago/NY. Big flaws in making this convincing, since you can't really tell who are real human beings or their projections in the cyber world. But it moves and it's great and it doesn't really matter that the hero and his girlfriend wipe out an entire battalion without getting a scratch of a wound themselves. The nasty 'debuggers', who are programs, or at least programmed superhumans, are Men in Black, but not good guys this time, and make the movie. Mean buggers. The heroine tends to strip off into a tank top whenever going into battle, which doesn't make sense but looks nice. ~ ~ ~ ~
- STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE -- after all these years, and a lot of hype: the movie is what you would expect from this series, no more, no less. I happened to enjoy it a lot more than the fans did (who expected something more?).
Was very impressed with the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire setting, and Natalie Portman, when she was in the role of the geisha queen, was very impressive and regal, not as much so in her alter-ego as the Long Island JAP handmaiden who falls in love with Darth Vader as a kid 6 years her younger. The special effects were of course fantastic, but nothing really earthshaking (after all we have had JURRASIC PARK, MATRIX, MEN IN BLACK, and other good stuff since the original Star Wars and Lucas didn't do anything really 'new' in this movie). There are Kill-Jar-Jar sites on the Internet, but I found him (the muppet froggish character, which was very well done technically) tolerable comic-relief. On the whole, I am looking forward to the sequels, especially if they can get some sort of love triangle going between Obi-Wan and Queen Armadillo or whatever her name is and Annie. (No surprise that Darth Vader was called Annie as a kid -- that would explain a lot!) Good movie on the whole, but it is somewhat stale in spite of its fast pace... Rates high though because there is some really nice stuff if you are into this Star Wars fantasy. Bears watching again to find the in-jokes, etc. in it, such as ET in the Senate House. And yes, the good Senator Porpentine (?) really is the evil future emperor, although this is not really made clear in this movie, certainly the Jedi Council never suspected anything and they are supposed to be able to detect the 'dark side'. The devilish Sith creature with the satanic features was wasted except in the sword fight -- he really was a horrifying villain but didn't have much to do in this movie -- hope they revive him in the next. ~ ~ ~
- THE HAUNTING -- This is a remake of a really good 'psychological' ghost story,
but apart from the plot framework, the movie has nothing much to do with the excellent Shirley Jackson story and the nice and creepy movie with Claire Bloom and Julie Harris. What it is, however, is the best harum-scarum movie of this sort since "Poltergeist" -- the effects as they build up to the climax will wow you. The original Hill House was just a typical New England gothic wooden thing; this one is
filmed in part in Harlaxton Hall and Belvoir ('Beaver') Castle in England, which provided superb exteriors and interiors (absolutely beautiful examples of Victorian Gothic architecture), plus some very good stage setting and special effects. There is a lot of mindless running around and screaming and danger scenes that don't amount to anything (in a way, this movie will remind you of the PC games "7th Guest" and "Shivers" if you have played them). The plot is stupid and the dialogue worse, yet this is a grade-A horror movie. Perfect movie to go to when it is 95 degrees outside. Zeta-Jones is of course great to look at, but I saw in the credits that she had a dialect coach to make her sound like an American yuppie. Liam Neeson was wasted -- he's a good actor, but this was schlock for him. ~ ~ ~
- THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT -- Interesting concept, but poorly thought out plotwise. Also, it gave me a major headache with all its hand-held video-cam shots.
There were significant signs of true witchcraft in it, but no witches that you ever see.
The protagonists were idiotic and inarticulate, every third word being 'fucking'. A few nice moments (especially the wicker figures hung all over the woods). A real case of Internet 'buzz' misleading the public into thinking this is a major movie. If you really
want to see something scary about witches, watch Henry Miller's The Crucible as it was shown on PBS recently. Horrifying story about politics, and there are no real witches, just silly girls into occultism, and assholes who see the devil everywhere. ~ ~
- THE SIXTH SENSE -- Saw this as an antidode to 'Blair Witch', just to get my teeth back into something. No dice. If you ever saw the movie 'Ghost' with Demi Moore and Whoopie Goldberg, the vaunted 'surprise' ending of this flick was telegraphed from the start. Apart from the nasty first scenes, all the rest were knee-jerk eek-and-shriek moments with no ultimate substance behind them (I mean EVIL). Very disappointing. Although I did like the bit about the girl (ghost)
who was murdered by her mother getting her revenge at her own funeral through one of the tricks of the plot involving a video tape. (That reallly was scary, even
though it was meant to cheer you up.) A lot of misdirection leading you to think this is a horror movie, but those scenes just get blown away in the next. ~ ~
- THE 13TH WARRIOR -- A retelling of the Beowulf story, this is based on one of my favorite books ever, Eaters of the Dead, by Michael
Crichton. A very fine, not 'great', movie that
is a combination of "Zulu" and "The Seven Samurai." There is one very ingenious scene
that shows Ibn Fadlan learning the Norse language by watching and listening, and moving his lips -- the dialogue then gradually turns from old Norse to English -- brilliantly done. This has always been a problem with Barsoom-type books in that the heros learn the language quickly and unrealistically; this scene doesn't represent reality, but was really cool. Oh, and I went and reread the book again immediately. It is a brilliant piece of pseudo-scholarship. There are some loose ends in the film that are explained in the book, such as Herger getting revenge on the king's cowardly son, and also that these Grendel monsters are Neanderthals. This movie is definitely one to get on tape to see again when you are in the mood for this type of thing. ~ ~ ~
- BEING JOHN MALKOVICH -- This movie is a riot, with the unemployed puppeteer getting a job in the 7 1/2th floor of an office building, the nutty wife who runs a pet store and has an apartment full of chimps, lizards, etc., the 'warp' tunnel
that leads you into the head of John Malkovich for 15 minutes then dumps you out at the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Best scene is when Malkovich goes into his
own head and everybody he sees is himself. The puppeteer manages to take over
JM and redirects the latter's career to become a puppet master, with all the critics raving over his pretentious crap. Great film. (There are some logical flaws, as in most movies these days, the most egregious being that when the hero is conducting whole lines of customers for 15 minutes in JM's brain he has to go out to the NJ Turnpike to pick them up -- it is physically impossible to get to the inbound
access road out there from Manhattan in that time frame; this is similar to
the illogic in "American Werewolf in London" about the layout of that city's Underground system. Movie producers don't care about this sort of thing, but I do.) ~ ~ ~ ~
- GLADIATOR -- Another winner from Ridley Scott (Alien, Bladerunner, etc.). This is an excellent 'swords and sandals' epic of the Roman Empire, like Ben Hur and others of that ilk. Great battles and fight scenes, fine special effects (city of Rome, Coliseum, German forest), plot that doesn't insult your intelligence. But question: Was the emperor Commodus actually killed in the arena historically, and did he murder Marcus Aurelius? Acting is quite well done too. ~ ~ ~ ~
- CHICKEN RUN -- One of the best animated films to come out in a long time. (I prefer this sort of animation, also the Loony Toon type, to the 'realistic' Disney output. It is 'claymation' and doesn't pretend to be anything else.) The story is a take-off on "The Great Escape" (e.g., when the ringleader gets put in a dumpster as punishment for trying to escape, she plays catch with a brussels sprout, like McQueen doing his baseball-in-the-cooler bit), with a lot of in-joke references to other movies thrown in; it is also very funny and the dialog that be appreciated both by adults and by kids. Nice idea to make the protagonists chickens -- and rats -- with the enemies being dogs and humans. This gets high marks. ~ ~ ~ ~
- THE PERFECT STORM -- Some things are better left to the imagination. Read
the fantastic book. The special effects in this movie are quite good, but not really
adequate -- and the film was spoiled with an overlong and distracting romantic plotline. Also, they shouldn't have tried to overwhelm us with portentous music and let the sound of the storm do its thing. ~ ~ ~
- CROUCHING TIGER, SLEEPING DRAGON -- Chinese version of an Arabian Nights or Grimm's Fairy Tale story. Pure fantasy (martial artists cannot fly or indulge in sword fights in treetops). I hate Kung Fu movies and all of the claptrap of the Hong Kong smash-em-ups. This one is really different, and beautifully done with its 'timeless' setting, not nowadays, but neither in any recognizable historical setting. The choreography, or whatever you want to call it, is even better than in the Matrix, which is what this resembles visually although it makes a lot more common sense than the confused and ridiculous plot of the former. A simple story, very well done, and well-acted too. Even the subtitles, which turn most people off in movies, are clear and simple, like comic-book balloons (unless the viewer is illiterate, as many more people are these days). ~ ~ ~ ~
- LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER -- A nicely done mindless action-packed version of a shoot-em-up computer game. That is, when it's a 90-degree summer day and you need to go into an air-conditioned place for a couple of hours. This one has the virtue of Angelina Jolie with her great body, nice ironic smile, neat clothes, and those fascinating collagen-injected lips. But nowhere near as interesting as, say, the first Indiana Jones movie. One can have better special effects now, but a sensible plot is still the most important thing. Loved that bungee fight scene, though -- best thing in the movie. ~ ~
- HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE -- perfectly faithful to the book, and if you like witty school stories about kids, and nice special effects, this is a must-see. One pities those fundamentalist idiots who condemn the movie for glamorizing witchcraft (and 'Satanism' of all things -- don't they know the difference?). ~ ~ ~ ~
- LORD OF THE RINGS (part 1) -- best movie of the year 2001, unbelievably good rendition: everything looks just right, even down to that incredible scene in the Mines of Moria where the orcs swarm around like cockroaches (as with all action flicks, from "Rambo" to "Lost Ark," the multitudinous and anonymous enemy are very easy to kill en masse without their inflicting much harm on the heroes). Of course, it is pure fantasy, both in the literary and filmological sense, with lots of special effects (which by their very nature, these days, seem unoriginal because Spielberg already 'done it'). Fanatics of the books will complain about changes and omissions, but these are really very minor and do little harm to the story. I do miss the Barrow-wights episode, but there was a nice in-joke touch where in the woods the companions camp amidst the turned-to-stone trolls that Frodo had petrified in "The Hobbit" -- no verbal references provided, or even needed if one catches it. One major revision, however: Saruman did not start out bad, and although he was corrupted and duped by Sauron, he was not Sauron's ally, rather a rival. Didn't like that, but I guess the film-makers felt they needed to add some intermediate drama to this first episode by cribbing stuff from the second volume. The acting is superb, given the limited characterization. The New Zealand background settings are awesomely beautiful -- one hopes they never discover oil there and ruin the place. The movie is not profound, not even original, but it is beautiful. The sequels, since the trilogy was all filmed in the same time frame, will be incredibly good because of continuity, no breaks among the acting caused by drug convictions etc. during the intervening years between films. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
- STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES -- Better than the last one (the so-called Episode I), with more action and better and better special effects -- although scenes of spaceships dodging asteroids can only be developed so far without becoming repetitive. I have to say that the submarine chase in Phantom Menace, with all the monstrous fish being eaten by even more monstrous fish -- that was great stuff, and funny too -- was far more exciting than the asteroid belt thing in this one. However, the love story (Annie and Padme) is rather cloying. It's interesting that characters who became major in the earlier movies are being developed here (Boba Fett, for example). ~ ~ ~ ~
- MINORITY REPORT -- A good Spielberg effort, John Williams score, sentimentality, and all the usual special effects notwithstanding. It's based on a Philip K. Dick story: he was one of the greatest of the SF pulp writers, sloppy plotter but wonderfully imaginative. This flick has nice effects, a fast and chasy plot, and a cheesy mystery. Poor acting, however, except for the now incredibly aged Max von Sydow and whoever it was that played that flaked-out 'PreCog' girl. This is not "Bladerunner" or "Matrix" quality, but is very good within that sub-genre. ~ ~ ~
- HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS -- A very good sequel to the first Harry Potter movie, with a lot more 'scary' stuff, including a forest full of horrible spiders. The actors are getting older, but then the book characters are growing up too, though not at the same rate as the cast (the little girl is quite a dish now). The special effects are really good in this movie, especially the ones involving the flying car. The house elf is irritating, but not as much so as Jar-Jar Binks in 'Star Wars'. ~ ~ ~ ~
- THE MATRIX RELOADED -- A part-two-of-three movie (why do they always do this, except to cash in on the success of the first round?). The first 'Matrix' was wonderful, because it was unexpectedly new. This one is adequate in developing the plot, more hi-tech in effects, of course, but somehow very silly. The effects are wonderful but overlong and totally illogical in reality. Gee, a fight with swords and other deadly instruments, lasting 10 minutes, is devoted to a lot of leaping around in the air, fencing, but hardly any stabbings or blood, come on! This 'Crouching Tiger' stuff in cinematography can only be carried so far; Neo's publicized fight with 100 Mr. Smith clones is just silly, even if exciting and well choreographed -- if he can fly like Superman, why didn't he right away? And it looks as though the car chase scene was just meant to be the longest and most absurdly improbable ever made, no matter much how you enjoy every moment of it, especially when Neo pulls a deus-ex-machina snatch out of a catastrophe -- that got pleasurable laughs from the audience. I guess, under the blurry plot, you have to assume that the characters are all computer programs (or their minds embody themselves in programs), hence no blood or injury and their crazy acrobatic skills -- what exists underneath are real human bodies tapped into a power station that runs the Matrix, a global machine-run pseudo-reality that resembles our world in daily life, but some humans are surviving independently underground in a rebel city and can tap into it. Only when the spinal tap cord is physically destroyed in their 'real' lives do they really die. That is, if they are real people to begin with, and not rogue programs -- and who is what? But we really didn't need that stupid disco/orgy scene, even phonier and blander than the one in 'The Ten Commandments', that took place in the hidden city to show 'true humanity', with a nauseating love scene occurring simultaneously between Neo and Trinity. I enjoyed the sub-group of villains, sort of a super-crook mob independent of the rebels and the establishment, starring Merovingian and the morph twins, a nice addition to the saga (they will no doubt be back in the final movie). ~ ~ ~
- TERMINATOR 3 -- Another continuation. Don't look for plot logic, but enjoy both the effects (in many ways better than Matrix 2) and the ice-cold Nordic beauty of Terminator TX, the villain (Kristanna Loken). The trouble with time-travel plots is that when somebody goes back to change history, their opponents could go back even earlier and thwart the first group; so while each movie sequel takes place a few years after the predecessor, logically it should be set before the prequel! ~ ~ ~
- PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN -- Excellent swashbuckler with great special effects and good acting (Johnny Depp is especially good as the pirate captain Jack Sparrow, supposedly based on his interpretation of Keith Richards of the Stones). This is a throwback to the "Raiders of the Lost Ark" type film, a nice change from science fiction blockbuster adventures. Exciting musical score, and a great mix of traditional piracy adventure and the supernatural. And the heroine played by the lovely Keira Knightley is good and feisty, especially in the scene when she gets drunk with Capt. Sparrow after they have been made to walk the plank and swim to a desert island. The mainly British cast also provides a lot of Monty-Python type humor. Can't believe this movie is a Disney production and PG 13! ~ ~ ~ ~
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