Does anyone ever REALLY have the intention of getting drunk? Well probably the alcoholics do but what is it that encourages a normal person to drink? Maybe it all begins when one guy says "Lehwe stop by de bar for a small rongs nah," and you whole-heartedly go along because your sole intention is to buy one drink. So you order a Malibu, and you watch in amazement as the bartender fills half the glass with Malibu, then loads the cup with ice, then pours about an inch of chaser on top. Now you sigh to yourself because you just paid $12.00 for this thing and there's NO way in hell that you just going to waste it. So you end up drinking the half glass of Malibu with an inch of chaser and maybe that's where all drunken stories begin.

So you sit there idly sipping the "half-glass of Malibu with an inch of chaser", and little do you know that things have already begun to happen. Now you may ask yourself what possible harm can that one drink do, but it is my firm belief that it is that first drink that has the most consequential effect of all. . . it makes you forget what drunkenness is like. Yes, and it is in this drink that the problem begins. So having had this one drink you go off to the party.

You walk in and you're greeted with the usual hugs, kisses, the "Wham now hoss! Long time no see!" and the likes. You eye the table with the drinks but your mind goes "Nah. . . you already had yours for the night." So you quietly sit down. Then someone comes up to you and says "Hey go get a cup, we're going to toast just now." So you oblige and walk over and get a cup. Now you're standing at the table holding an empty cup and you say "Hell, lemme juss put some Pepsi in this thing," so you do. Then the guy next to you says "Datz all you drinkin?" So you say "Fine," and pour a little White Oak into the cup and walk back to your seat. Then someone walks around pouring out the Champagne and of course you'd feel a little awkward toasting with Rum & Coke so you get ANOTHER cup and take some Champagne as well. And before you know it there you are... standing there with a "Rum & Coke" in one hand and "Champagne" in the other. . . the PERFECT picture of a seasoned drunkard.

Then the thought creeps into your mind "How bad does this look?" and then lo and behold a voice from the past speaks "Nah man doh study it. . . it eh lookin bad at all!" So you try to place this voice. And then it hits you BLAM!!! It's your good friend "half glass of Malibu with an inch of chaser" from earlier in the night. Now of course he speaks in this manner because he is all alone in your system and wants to lime with his two good partners "Rum & Coke" and "Champagne."

So there you are. . . sitting in a chair, listening to the toasts and the laughs and the comments meanwhile the REAL party just getting started inside your system. "Half glass of Malibu with an inch of chaser" , "Rum & Coke" and "Champagne" all holding this BIG fete inside your system now, giving each other bounx and relating stories from the last time they all meet up and generally having a good time. Now the thing with "Rum & Coke" is that he is a funny kind of fella. He likes to lime with his family anywhere he goes, so he sits and conjures up a plan to get his family in. Now "half glass of Malibu with an inch of chaser" already has you totally oblivious to any consequences of your current alcohol level, hence "Champagne" now takes the opportunity to momentarily distract you with joyous recollections of past toasts. "Rum & Coke" acts quickly and puts in a call to his family. Pretty soon, who shows up at the door but "Rum & Sprite" and his odd-ball cousin "Whisky & Coke." The party now start.

Now it is at this point that your last piece of reason has to make an important decision :

1. Do I act like the total drunkard and pack away all shame and sense of self? Or
2. Do I try to maintain my normal outwardly calm posture and appearance?

Having opted for the second choice because you aren't in the habit of making an ass out of yourself in front of people, you adopt a simple routine. Sit in the chair and drink, and when the glass is empty, walk to the table, pour yourself another and then go straight back to your seat. Simple. . . effective. Now the problem is that people now look at you and don't realize that you are in fact drunk, so they come and try to pull you out onto the dance floor. You try to fight them but they keep coming up to you and saying things like "What happen? Why aren't you dancing?" and "Come on, get up lazy!"

So finally you yield, and against all better judgement you make your way onto the dance floor. But what you didn't yet realize was that "half glass of Malibu with an inch of chaser" , "Rum & Coke", "Champagne", "Rum & Sprite" and "Whisky & Coke" had all moved their party STRAIGHT up to your brain, and since your brain was trying to maintain your decorum, these guys had to make some room to hold their party. As a result they had put out "Sense of Balance" and "Bladder Control." So there you are in the middle of the dance floor without any "Sense of Balance" or "Bladder Control" and you find that ever 5 minutes you have to stumble off to the bathroom. Now consequently, this makes it even harder for your brain to maintain your "Decorum" and you find that it has to start shutting down other processes to cope with the situation, namely "Speech" and "Coherency." So now you're in the middle of the dance floor with no "Sense of Balance" or "Bladder Control", no "Speech" or "Coherency", but you DO have "Decorum" and you hang onto this for dear life.

Now the dancing thing doesn't work out because you find out that the only way to maintain "Decorum" is to put your hands in your pockets and bob your head in time with the music. And of course, not having any "Bladder Control" didn't help the situation either. And so the night progresses. The "Drinks" in your head are having a better time than you are and you wonder if it will all ever end. Then your brain gets mad at you and says "Look . . . check dis nah! I CYAR work under dese conditions anymore! Sit yuh ass dong and maybe I can restore some ‘Speech' and ‘Coherency'." So you oblige and sit down with this bland expression on your face. You have regained "Speech" and "Coherency" and of course, you STILL have your "Decorum." However none of this means anything now because you are DEAD tired.

The music stops and an eerie silence ensues. There are waves of goodbyes and such, which you meet with an automatic pre-programmed expression and a wave of the hand. The "Drinks" have began to pack things away and you stumble into the car. You secretly thank God that you don't have to drive but of course you tell everyone "Ey. . . I juss cool yuh know. I could drive home now now if I had to." They don't need to know the truth. Your house becomes both a comforting and a foreboding sight all at the same time. Comforting because you know that within lies "The Bed." Foreboding because within also lies "The Parents." You look desperately at the stairs to your house. "Sense of Balance" has not yet returned. Then suddenly. . . the miracle happens. . . your brain yells "GO NOW!!!" and suddenly you realize that ALL your senses are there!!! "Balance", "Guile", "Stealth", "Skill" . . . you have them all! You bound up the before impassible stairway with the stealth of a Ninja, the keys soundlessly flash out of your pocket, you manouevre skillfully through the house in darkness! No one knows you came in! You undress with amazing speed and then. . . and THEN. . . THEN!!!!!!!. . .

you collapse on the bed. And the night is finally over. . .