Now is it just me or has any man out there ever caught a woman in the shaded act of 'passing gas'. We know they MUST do it, yet they conceal this fact with such a masterful art that one may bring himself to doubt whether or not women are actually capable of such an act... that it may in fact be an inherent biological difference. However I refuse to give into this illogical idealism as it implies bending to an express unspoken will. A deception... a ploy... instigated by women worldwide to mask this act. This deception is propagated by women all over since none will ever comment when confronted with the question. They simply 'smile' as if that were the answer I expected.

Realizing that it would be fruitless to yield such answers by direct confrontation, I set about on the more arduous task of research, observation and implication. There were 2 postulates to be considered :

Postulate 1 - That women emitted scentless, silent 'gases' or
Postulate 2 - Women had devised some secretive way of 'masking' the gaseous elements.

The feminine intestinal structure is no different from that of a man... neither chemically nor physically, hence the gaseous build-up is expected to be no different from that of a man's thus eliminating the probability of a 'scentless' wind. Further more, while a woman's rear quarters do bear a certain superior aesthetic quality over that of a man's, the inherent genetical differences are not sufficient enough to allow the emittance of a 'silent wind'... no more than a man's would allow at any rate.

Hence I was forced to view that women had indeed gone about in a deliberate effort to 'mask' the act. Now here I shall proceed to relate to you the simple observation that had given birth to this theory. A simple obscure observation... so obscure that it is typically missed by all... even the most inept of minds. And it's realization dawned a new understanding upon me.

The Observation :

As I was sitting one day idly chatting with a group of people... women inclusive... I suddenly got a whiff of perfume. Being the over-indulgent charmer that I am, I sought to comment on it... asking the girl next to me "What was the name of the perfume" and "If it was the fragrance of Goddesses", etc. etc. All my answers were met with a devious smile and a nonexistent response. And then in the middle of my tirade something clicked... this girl was sitting next to me for over a half hour... why did I only NOW smell her perfume??? We were sitting in an enclosed are so the wind was not bowing in any particular direction... I was not suffering from any sinus attacks at the time... so then why the sudden impact of the scent?

Now my fellow men... I want you to think of just how many times this exact incident has happened to you. Tying in the relative abundance of this event with the total inabundance of expressive feminine flatulence... I saw an inexplicable link being made. But how could this be? What about the 'scent'. My mind raced furiously for an answer. What if women had designed a device, not unlike a tampon, which... when inserted into the anus, not only buffered the wind (thus rendering it silent), but also oxidized, absorbed and manipulated the gaseous chemicals thus rendering them scentless and then released in its place a predetermined scent! An unrealistic thought you may think but such a device is ENTIRELY possible. Certain oxidizing agents such as Potassium Dichromate (found in breathalyser devices) can instantly oxidize Sulphur Dioxide (a foul smelling gas) into its scentless form (Sulphur Trioxide). What if women found a way to manipulate the gases of 'the wind' in such a manner. A tampon-like device...coated with suitable chemicals would do the trick. Furthermore we are all familiar with little squeeze toys the would emit a pleasant scent when squeezed. What if a similar engineering were applied to the tampon-like device? Now this device would tend to hold the anus slightly open thus eliminating the noises produced by a typical 'passing of the wind', hence a cool silent breeze is made possible.

And so... a device I choose to call "The Wind-Breaker" is unveiled. This most carefully guarded secret of secrets exists only in theory but like the pi-mesons and quarks of the atom... I suspect that its actual discovery will take a much longer time in coming. Women shall not easily admit to the existence of this device... but the knowledge of it my friends ... is where the true power lies...