Yes friends, here we are again. This is yet another chapter of the much regaled series exploring the elusive concept of "The Feminine Psyche". Again I must say thank you to all my males readers for their support in uncovering these issues... and to all the women who have since begun to give me those "hard stares", to you I say "What the hell are you looking at?"

For those of you unfamiliar with my methods, I seek to explain the behaviour of women through observation of various behaviourial patterns and proposed possible genetic explanation on the matter. I believe that the genetic makeup of women is inherently DRASTICALLY different from that of men and that they make use of these seemingly dormant genes and chromosomes which are responsible for perpetrating their before unexplained behaviour. My readers will be familiar with my proposals of the "Multiple Association Co-Ordination and Observation" chromosome (or MACO) and the "Neurological Association Generator" chromosome (or NAG), which have explained many feminine traits. This piece seeks to build upon these works by adding to my library of genetic feminine material. However, as usual let us first begin with a few common observations.

Observations :

1. Have you ever arranged to meet a woman (or god forbid a GROUP of women) at a pre-planned location at a specific time? You foolishly say something like "Well why don't you meet me and the guys there for 9?" and she says "Sure! No problem." And so quite happily you walk off with the firm belief that the arrangement is set and made. However 10 o'clock swings around and you are still waiting in the car outside mall. So you put back the seat and just as you are lulling off to sleep you hear a tap on your window... its minutes to 11. And as they jump in you hear "Sorry we're late but blah blah blah blah....."
   
   
2. On a similar note, you might also say something like "I'll pick you up at 7?" and again with the face of a smiling angel she says "Sure! No problem." So being the prompt responsible individual you are, you show up at her house at 7 on the dot. Her mother comes out and says "She isn't ready yet, why don't you come in?" You glance uneasily at your watch and say "Okay". The next thing you know you are in the "Living Room". Her father lowers the paper and stares at you for 5 cold minutes... silence. Then slowly the paper goes back up. You spend the next hour sitting up straight as an arrow because you know he can lower the paper again at any moment. Then finally after an eternity she comes bouncing happily down the stairs. She enters the room and you quickly arise yearning for escape. She smiles and says "You and Daddy been bonding?" and gives you a little hug which is "supposed" to make everything better. At that exact moment the paper lowers again and the look in Daddy's eyes say "Touch my daughter again and I will kill you. Make her cry and I will kill you. Don't bring her back on time and I will kill you. Blah blah blah kill you.... kill you.... kill you." And now that that the fear of God and Daddy is in you, you leave the house as quickly as possible.

Deduction :

Now one would ask the question "Why would they subject us to this?" What possible advantage could this have to them? And is it a conscious and deliberate attempt to show that they exercise some sort of control over us? My theory is that it is inherent within all of them, that is, they do it whether they are conscious of it or not. Hence I postulate the existence of the Wait In The Car or House chromosome (or the WITCH chromosome for short).

So what is it that brings about the WITCH in women? Discussions on this topic are vast and varied. Popular theory seems to suggest that the WITCH-like behaviour is passed onto all women by their mothers from the time of conception. The maternal instinct senses that the child is female hence from these early stages the woman passes on these traits to their yet unborn daughters. Many a time a clueless husband would walk into the room only to find his wife whispering "sweet nothings" to her womb. Little does he know that she is already passing on the knowledge and ways of a thousand generations of women. Included in these soft recitals are the words that awaken the WITCH within them all.

It is this WITCH chromosome that warps the female's perception of time. No matter HOW many times she has made men wait, she STILL believes that she will take only 5 minutes to dress. Hence she will begin to dress only when she hears your car pull up. WITCH then distorts time so that has no idea of the hours that have passed and it also makes her totally oblivious to the agony that you have been enduring, which also explains why they show so little concern for having made you wait.

Now WITCH has one uncanny trait. Heaven help you if you just happen to think that you are a "SMART" man and will hence tell her 7, then pass at 8... knowing that under normal circumstances you would have to wait only about a half hour at most. What happens then? WITCH causes her to be ready for 7 EXACTLY, and then when you show up an hour later pleased as punch with yourself at having outsmarted them, you see a sight that makes you know that you are about to spend a night in Hell. You are now doomed to spend the rest of the night hearing about the "inconsiderate, selfish and self-centered bastard you are".

So what can we do about it? How are us men supposed to combat these surreal forces? How are we to deal with the WITCH? The sad truth of the matter is that there is nothing we can do. For too long this trait has been allowed to develop unabated. Our only hope now is to see the light and to forge our own methods to cope, but it may already be too late. It is my hope that these realizations will help men understand why they cannot win for we seem to forever be asking ourselves this question. The Feminine Psyche my brothers... if knowledge is power then we are truly doomed.