Everyone has thier theory on Santa. Just how can this most horizontally gifted individual in a red suit carrying a simple sack possibly deliver toys to all the world's children in a SINGLE night while riding a sleigh pulled by 8 reindeer? Many theories have been postulated that require this poor man's reindeer to defy gravity and move at supersonic speeds across the earth. Others have suggested that Santa possesses some kind of inter-dimensional device that allows him to teleport from one place to the next. Others say that Santa has some sort of time-distortion device. Nonsense I say... this technology is far beyond the capabilities of simple old men whose stomachs jiggle like a bowlful of jelly.

Instead I seek to propose an explanation based along the lines of the thoery of Relativity. Einstein himself had written several documents on the subject which never came to light because of some irreconcilable mathematical manipulations, as well as simple fear of ridicule. In these documents Einstein seems to suggest that it was upon comtemplation of Mr. Kringle's anomalous nature that he did in fact stumble upon Relativity. However, because this work was attempted at a very early stage in his career when his thoeries were less sound, it was never completed and Einstein was forced to keep his inate obsession St. Nick a secret that would follow him to his grave.

Now for those of you unfamiliar with the basic implications of relativity, allow me to explain a few of the concepts which would aid in your understanding of my work. Of paramount importance to us is the effects of density on gravity and the space-time continuum. Simply put, the denser a body is, the greater its gravitational pull and the greater the gravitational pull, the greater the distortion on space-time. Relativity states that the closer we get to an intense gravitational source, the slower time APPEARS to move. Consider Einstein's infamous black hole. Now as we approach a black hole, we would not discern any difference in time for ourselves, however millions of years could pass on earth and we would not notice it.... nor would we even age! Hence time actually SLOWS DOWN in the presence of an intense gravitational field. A further implication is the effect of gravity on light. An intense gravitational source would tend to slow light down, thereby shifting the frequencies of light towards the lower end of the spectrum. Since red light lies on the lower end of the spectrum we call this effect "RED SHIFT".

"Now what do these things mean to us?" you might ask. Where would Santa get such an intense gravitational source? Would this not just lead back to older theories of Santa possessing some sort of mystical device? NO!!! For the answer has been before our eyes all along! So simplistic in its nature yet so complex in its effectiveness! The BAG!!! El sacko de los goodies!!! The realization was so simple that Einstein had feared the tangibility of his own theory! His disbelief was such that he packed away his "Nick Notes" and never set eyes on them again! However the recent discovery of these articles propelled me to investigate this theory further and bring it to completion. A simple mathematical consideration should convince you.

Now say Santa delivers toys to all the the earth's 1.6 billion children. Furthermore, assume Santa delivers 3 toys on average to each child (less if you've been naughty, more if you've been nice). Now we can further safely assume that on average, each toy weighs 3 kg. This means that the entire mass of toys to be delivered amounts to 14.4 billion kg. Now say Santa's sack is a perfect sphere of generous radius 0.75m, the mass density of Santa's bag 'o' goodies will be given by :

Now while this is not nearly dense enough to be a black hole, it most CERTAINLY approaches the density of most neutron stars, hence the time distortion is still quite significant. To give you a better idea of this density, it breaks down to 8.15 tons per cm³!!! Roughly the mass of 4 or 5 dump trucks squeezed onto the top of your index finger!

Now as one can see, the problem becomes quite simple to explain. As Kris Kringle's gravitational field (hereafter refered to as the K-Field) is so intense, time in close proximity of the K-Field slows down immensely. Now Santa himself will not experience this effect. He simply sees the world around him moving much slower than normal while he himself gallops along at normal speeds. Now to the casual observer OUTSIDE the K-Field, they will never be able to even SEE Santa since he will apparently be moving with GREAT speeds. All one might be able to discern is the occassional red blur and a distinct "Ho Ho Ho!" that will be heard sometime after.

Now Santa's "redness" can also be attributed to K-Field effects. Light around Santa is slowed down by the K-Field hence becoming red-shifted. This is why everything about Santa has these low frequency colours... reds, browns, blacks, etc. Hence we are led to postulate that Santa's actual attire might consist of blues and greens!! This is yet to be confirmed as no one has been able to see Santa without K-Field distortion.

Now one might still argue that the phenomenon of flying reindeer is still unanswered. For this we must look to a deeper understanding of Relativity and the study of the distortion of space-time in the presence of the K-Field. In order to preserve the readability of our article we shall simply state that it was found that the polarity of the K-Feild was in partial opposition to the earth's gravitational field, hence the equations seemed to suggest that Santa may in fact be capable of varying degrees of levitation. Hence flying reindeer... no, space-time distortion... yes. Reindeer are simply Santa's choice of transport!

Hence we can see that Santa is no longer a mystery but does in fact conform to the normal physical laws of existance set out by Relativity. So to you my readers I say "Yes... yes there IS a Santa Claus!"