Summary: After spending the night together, Sam finds she must be the one to uphold the regs.

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

~Story Notes~This story has nothing to do with the Savage Garden song "Truly, Madly, Deeply," but it did get me thinking. . . .

Copyright 2000 by Noda
noda@win.bright.net

*Truly, Madly, Deeply*

Sometimes, I almost think it would be easier if Jack were dead. Okay, I really don't wish for his death, but a quick, final ending would almost be preferable to having to see him on a daily basis. To know what I can't have. To see the pain and desire in his eyes that are surely reflected in mine.

I *swore* I wouldn't get involved with him as long as I was under his command. I wasn't about to put myself--us--through that kind of hell; risk our careers; yada, yada; for a few moments relief and pleasure. I told myself I wasn't going to succumb to my desire for him simply because we'd consumed too much alcohol. I guess I wasn't listening.

It had been a rough week: back-to-back missions. The latest being a joint rescue attempt with SG-3 to liberate SG-6 who'd been taken captive by the local System Lord on P2R-433. We lost two people that day. One of the marines from SG-3 and a civilian geologist.

We were all feeling the pain of loss, but the Colonel seemed to be taking it harder than the rest of us. Even Makepeace, who'd been Enrique Montero's C.O., didn't seem to be reacting as Jack had. I wondered if he knew the man. He'd never mentioned him, so I found his behavior puzzling.

***

It was actually Daniel's idea that we get together for a night of poker, to take our minds off the past week. We didn't even think to ask Jack if he cared we invaded his domain; it was just assumed we'd gather at his house.

I was still mulling over Jack's melancholy as I arrived on his doorstep. Apparently I was the last to arrive as Daniel opened the door to my knock.

"Come on in, Sam," he greeted, practically pulling me into the entryway. He seemed a little tipsy, and I wondered how long he'd been there. Of course, with Daniel, it could have been one beer and he'd have a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.

"Hey, Carter," Jack nodded to me, his hands cradling three bottles of beer. I was surprised to see Teal'c drinking, but he was probably just attempting to be social. His symbiote kept him from getting intoxicated.

"Wanna beer?" he offered.

"Sounds good, sir." He handed me the one intended for himself, returning to the kitchen to retrieve another.

"And none of your 'sir' shit, tonight," he said, obviously having partaken in a few beers himself. "We're off-duty and I don't want hear another word that reminds me of the military."

Almost automatically, I began to answer with the very word he's told me to drop from my vocabulary. "Sure, Jack," I said, the name feeling foreign as I said it aloud. He's been "Jack" in my head for months, maybe even years, but I've never called him by it. He smiled at the sound of it.

"That's better. *Sam.*"

His eyes were staring into mine, perhaps gauging my reaction to his use of my given name. I loved it when he called me by my name. It made me feel as if I were someone special. As if he were speaking to *me* and not Major Carter, USAF.

"You guys gonna play or what?" Daniel asked, shuffling the cards. His words broke what ever spell Jack and I had fallen under, simply by staring at each other.

I took a seat, facing Jack, watching him throughout the evening. I knew he was drinking too much, consuming two beers to each of mine, but he seemed to be holding his own. Better than I could say for myself. I wasn't totally wasted, but I was more than a little intoxicated. I could practically feel Jack's gaze burning on me. I felt like things were getting out of hand and all he'd done was look at me!

Daniel was practically passed out after our last hand, and Teal'c offered to take him home. Normally, Jack would have offered them his spare room and sofa, but tonight he seemed almost anxious to have them gone. Taking my cue from his less-than-hospitable manner, I planned to leave as well.

My upbringing wouldn't allow me to leave without at least making an attempt at cleaning up, so before my exit, I picked up as many empty bottles as I could, stacking them on the kitchen counter. I returned to grab a few bowls when Jack placed his hand on mind.

"You don't have to do that, Sam."

"I know. I'm really not doing much, just moving them from one room to another, " I smiled.

Jack made an effort to smile himself, but it came out rather twisted. As if he couldn't make his face move the required muscles. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, what had put him in such a mood. But I'd learned a long time ago, Jack would talk when he was ready, and not before. So I returned to the kitchen with another load of trash. I was leaning on the counter, pushing bottles back towards the wall making room for what I was carrying, when I felt Jack behind me. He was pressed against my back, his arms reaching on either side of me, brushing his hands down my arms, stopping when he reached the bottles I was holding, now in a death grip. Prying the glass from my hands, he turned me around, promptly kissing me.

I was shocked, prepared to protest, but Jack's mouth stole the words from me. I knew I should push him away, tell him I was flattered, but this was not the time, the place nor the situation I wanted this to happen.

When he finally let me up for air I managed, "I should go." It took all my will power to whisper the words, knowing it was the last thing I wanted. His hand brushed the hair back from my face, cupping my cheek.

"Stay," he said, before capturing my lips once more.

I couldn't decide which was more intoxicating: the beer I'd consumed or Jack's kisses. Both had obviously left me senseless as I made no move to leave, only drowning in the sensation of his mouth; his tongue tangling with mine. I'd wanted him for so long, it hardly seemed real I was in his arms. And I conveniently blocked out all the reasons this was wrong, because it felt so right.

Jack began undressing me, almost frantically, and I knew he had no intention of moving me further than back against the counter. It wasn't exactly how I'd pictured our first joining, but I was just as frantic to feel him inside me as he was to be inside.

"Oh, Sam. I've wanted you for so long," he breathed into my neck, grabbing my hips, pulling me closer. I wrapped my legs around his waist, refusing to let go. We still had more clothes on than off, but the necessary garments had been removed. His movements were quick, urgent, as if I were his lifeline and this was his one chance at salvation.

"Jack. . . ." I sighed as we reached a state of ecstasy at almost the same moment. He pulled me close, burring his face in my chest, mumbling an apology.

". . .Sorry, I didn't want it to be so. . ."

"It's okay," I said, pulling his face up to mine for another kiss. "Next time."

His eyes seemed to brighten at the hint I wasn't going to leave. Taking my hand he led me from the kitchen towards where I knew his bedroom to be. I still had my doubts about the sensibility of my actions, but what harm could it do? I rationalized. I'd already crossed that invisible line by having sex with my C.O. What difference would the actual number of times make?

*********

During the night, closer to dawn actually, Jack made a confession to me. Why he'd been so upset at Montero's death. The man was under his temporary command with Makepeace orchestrating the rescue of SG-6. But it wasn't the fact he'd lost a soldier that bothered Jack so much. He said all he could see was Daniel's bloody face as he looked at the boy. Then it switched to mine, and eventually Teal'c's.

"I know what a risk it is, what we do on a daily basis, but I never had the thought driven home so blatantly as I looked at that kid's face. All I could think was, what if it had been you? Or Daniel or Teal'c? But mostly you." He shifted to look in my eyes. "I couldn't wait another day without letting you know how I felt."

I assured him I felt the same, but our timing couldn't have been worse. I tried to tell him as much as I loved him, this couldn't happen again. To his credit, he accepted my ruling without argument. He knew the regs as well as I did, maybe even better. If a part of me was hoping he'd argue we could "work things out," another was grateful he didn't put me in the position of having to say "no." again. Rather than forestall the enviable, I left him then, feeling almost nauseous at ending the best night of my life in such a callous manner.

I cried all the way home, wondering how I was going to face him the following day when we met at the SGC. I didn't know what would be worse, pretending nothing had happened, or acknowledging it and repeating to him it couldn't happen again.

***

The next day, I sat across from Jack in a mission briefing. He looked as haggard as I felt. Fortunately no one else seemed to notice our preoccupation with each other. I don't know how I managed to answer any questions intelligently, as thoughts of Jack seemed to possess every corner of my brain.

As the General dismissed the meeting, I tried to leave as quickly as possible, to get back to my lab where hopefully I'd be able to concentrate on my job. Unfortunately, Jack had other ideas.

"Carter? I need to have a word," he said, playing with his papers, as if he were asking me to stay after to explain something to him. He was, it just wasn't the same thing the others thought he was requesting clarification on.

Once alone, he dropped his formal tone. "Sam, about the other night. . . ."

"Don't worry, sir. Already forgotten," I said, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

"That's what I'm talking about. I don't want it forgotten," he said, looking up at me for the first time.

"Sir, we both had too much to drink. It's been an emotional week. That's all it was." I had to turn away from him so I didn't start crying right in the middle of the briefing room. A room with glass on three sides, where anyone could look and figure out we weren't discussing something having to do with the Stargate.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, his voice subdued.

"Because one of us has to," I answered, still unable to look at him. I didn't turn around until I heard the door quietly click shut, leaving me alone.

*********

In the weeks that followed, it gradually became increasingly difficult to be around Jack. My desire for him hadn't lessened. If anything it had intensified. Knowing what it was like to make love to him and not able to touch him was more tortuous than any fantasies had been. Now I could fill in what his hands on my body felt like. What his mouth tasted like. How his teeth had nipped my jaw and collar bone. I knew why the fraternization rule existed. It wasn't to prevent favoritism, or struggles within the command structure. It was the distraction factor.

In retrospect, it's amazing neither Jack or I or the rest of our team weren't seriously injured by our lack of concentration. Daniel had looked at me quizzically when I didn't seem to hear an order of Jack's, when I was too busy thinking about kissing his lips rather than taking the orders from them.

He was no better, staring at me rather than scouting for possible dangers. I knew his behavior bothered him, thinking he should be able to separate what he felt for me from the mission. But like me, he couldn't seem change it, no matter how much he reasoned with himself.

I should have realized it would have to come to a head at some point. I just didn't expect it to be so easy to be won over again. All he had to say was, "I miss you, Sam."

We were camped on some forested planet. Daniel had fallen asleep early, and Teal'c was in the guy's tent, meditating. Jack and I were sitting next to each other, sharing the warmth of the fire. His hand accidentally brushed against mine, sending a shiver through me. Jack noticed my reaction, knowing it wasn't the air temperature that had caused my reaction. He touched my hand again. This time deliberately, threading his fingers through mine.

"I miss you, Sam."

"I miss you, too," I confided, looking at our clasped hands. Glancing up again, I saw his face moving closer to mine. I was powerless to move, waiting for his mouth to descend upon mine. The kiss was demanding, expressing what we both had been trying to deny for weeks--that the night of the poker party had been the beginning of our end.

I couldn't let my let my love, and yes, my lust, for Jack continue to cloud my judgment. As badly as I wanted to drag him back to my tent and make love to him all night, I knew I couldn't. Some invisible "they" wouldn't let me.

Pulling myself out of his embrace, Jack looked at me, sighed and simply nodded. Words were unnecessary.

*********

I don't think Jack actually believed I would request a transfer off the team. General Hammond was equally shocked. I think Daniel guessed why I wanted to be off SG-1. He isn't as naive as everyone thinks. Of course, Jack and I were probably broadcasting like beacons. We probably still are. There's nothing I can do about that. But I could do something about being under his direct command. Not that limiting my career to research and working in the lab has opened any doors for us. As second-in-command at the SGC, he's still my superior officer. And it still hurts when I see him on practically a daily basis. But it's the kind of hurt you'd miss if were actually gone. Like an ache you've come to depend on to let you know you're still alive.

No, I don't really wish for Jack's death, because if he were actually gone, the ache would still be there, only I wouldn't be alive.

The End

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