|He took me to dinner to start off the evening. I heavily sipped wine to help the food go down easier. But the toughest moment came while he was cutting his steak. The blood seeped out of it, sending me into a hormonal frenzy! *wicked grin* After dinner, we slipped back to his place. He wanted to show me his castle. He had brought up the subject throughout dinner, expressing how much he has worked on it. Installing a pool, a beautiful back yard as the landscape setting. It truly was a castle. A large stone wall surrounded his property, making it feel safe. I thought it to be the perfect refuge for me, someday, perhaps. It was so peaceful way out there. For an instant I felt mortal, smelling the night air coming, tainted with soft scents of honeysuckle. Crickets chirped in harmony while fireflies danced. I was in awe. I envied his lust for life. He was a new money mogul, earning his money by hard work at a young age. He was a very successful businessman & a leader in local politics. He was making the complete best of his life, and I took mine for granted. He was building himself a fulfilling world. Before, as a young vampire, I would have quickly stolen his life, feeling such hatred for the existance he had built for himself. But now in my infinite age has finally come wisdom. I could see my hatred was nothing more than my own unwillingness to deal with my own mortal life that I so carelessly tossed away. I looked upon him and his zest for life, with deep respect for which I could not in my own life. For that I envied him.
|I was used to obnoxious & unruly men. He was reserved, well-mannered, and respectful. I was not used to this. I was used to bestowing fear to gain the power in a situation. Instead he probed my mind to find out where my passion lay. We spent hours talking about literature, or computers. Or he would just talk simply to see what I would say, honestly entertained by my reply. I had never met a mortal so refined. I had not seen such devotion in a mortal about his own life. In weaker moments I longed for it again. Just to feel it with possibly the slightest intensity that he did. It took awhile to get used to him. I was so raw sometimes, I forgot he, being mortal, could become disgusted by my blunt words & sarcastic humor. To look at me, one would think I was soft-spoken & gentle. But far from it. My voice in deep & throaty, and often too loud. I am also far from fragile. It is seldom anyone sees my softer side, more vunerable side. I only know one who truly has.
|Yet one thing disturbed me, about him. He had been speaking about his passion for life in the first person only aspect. Which told me he was not planning on developing any form of relationship with anyone. I felt discouraged. It wasn't often I was rejected, or at least put off. I was in control always, but not this time. It appeared to me someone had hurt him, so I did not pry. Besides all the signs were there. He was guarding his personal life & property as though it were Ft. Knox. *L* I mean, those walls were obvious. But by the same token, it angered me that such mortal females could take advantage of such nice young men, willing to share their heart & fortunes with them. Only to have the woman carelessly toss it away for something she feels she can't have. How petty a life those women lead. They would make a nice feed however....*evil laugh* I sensed he was a natural at manipulating. Not so much a bad thing, but he could manipulate any situation, or person to his advantage. I watched this with my own eyes. He held such a position in society & his knowledge, it often made me think about giving him the choice, I have to only one other mortal. I would have to think about this for awhile, a long while.
|I know Tressa was only trying to make me happy. But I did not know what I wanted with this man if anything. She was trying so hard to make me seem as mortal as possible. I was too different, he knew it, she knew, and I definitely knew it. We were from two different worlds. He seemed from the old school type. I was flamboyant & eccentric to a fault. My style caught attention & so did I. That seemed to bother him. He liked to blend, however, I do not. Drama is a huge part of it too. I mean when I walk into to a room, people notice..I happen to believe it is for reasons other than my style of dress. But its true, something electric happens when I enter a place. It humms. Its been awhile since I had that affect on a place. I had tried to blend a little, starving myself of that attention fix I used to get. It didn't last, I felt like my wings had been clipped. I felt to survive, love no one. Enjoy life by making them love you...feel through them, and you do not get hurt. I could not afford feelings in my chosen life. To a vampire, they are weaknesses, therefore I had none.
|I stayed that night with him, letting it get intimate. We shared long passionate kisses, taunting at his lips with my tongue & teeth. I was rough, yet gentle enough. I was a petite thing, so I climbed all over him for most of the night. *L* He enjoyed himself as well. I totally was turningon all my devilish charm. It worked, he thoroughly enjoyed himself, so much that as soon as he held still long enough, he fell asleep. After that, I crept out to his deck in back of the house. I just stood there with a brandy in my hand, staring at the thick evergreens surrounding his place. The distant barking of a dog lulled me into relaxtion & deep thought. My life had changed in such degree over the span of time. What was I to do with the years ahead? The new millenium was approaching & I had not a clue of what it was to bring to me. Or what I planned to do with the coming years. I could not take another decade of depression, I had my share. I needed to purge myself of this guilt I had been carrying since my years in Paris. I harbored so much pain inside & no one to share it with to get it out. It was slowly breaking me down, and I did not recognize the person I was now. I lit a cigarette, & sat by the pool, watching the moon begin to rise. I was afraid I was wasting my time. That soul lying in there, had no idea who he had let into his bed. I don't think he will ever know the incredible person inside of me. No one has gotten close enough, they can nevr make it. Alll those closest to me tell me of these huge walls I have built around myself. I didn't see them. So there I sat in the beautiful, confortable place, knowing already within my soul this man would never know the real me. So what was I still doing here?
|When I arrived home, my thoughts were consumed with him. A person like him would undoubtedly make an elite vampire, to say the least. He could easily become a ruler by all the power he possessed. His strength within his mortal life would carry over into his vampire life and make him extremely powerful. But was that wise of me to do...or even think? My blood, alone would make him strong, but coupled with his refined qualities, the opportunities for him could be endless. It frightened me, knowing I thought more about entering his world, than bringing him into mine. Those thoughts were the first I had since my death, so many years ago. It seemed I was looking for an end, or some form of finality in my long & dark life. But I was being selfish, and should not give power to those who are undeserving.
|As time progressed, I was still enjoyed his company. We shared many nights, gazing at the moon, sipping wine, and talking. I was enjoying this relationship. I was looking at life through his mortal eyes. It was different, yet held my attention much longer than I thought. I loved his strength & power. Those were qualities hard to find in a mortal man. Not many men have courage much less any strength or will. This man was driven, always thinking. I liked that. I watched his aquire things with his mind & talent. I had done it for years but it felt different to me now. I used my good looks to get me where or what I wanted, being a vampire & all. But seeing him, a mortal man, do so with his human power alone, I felt disappointed in myself. For I knew I could aquire things in the same many as he, but cheated because I was a vampire...I played by no rules. For the first time in my entire existance, I felt ashamed for my prior ways, and doubted choices I had made. I had never second-guessed myself ever. Why now?
|All my life I had felt strong, domineering, and powerful. Yet in this man's company I felt vunerable, weak...like a mortal female. He treated me with such respect. I wondered if he knew about me, the truth, would he be enticed by my world or repulsed? I could see him enjoying my world, being powerful & seductive. He could be the king of so many. Those thoughts ran away with me & posed a fear sometimes before I could shake them. I had no idea what to do about it, and time was ticking away. Pretty soon we would grow closer and he may very well be smart enough to figure it out. I had to solve this fast. But how?
|I began to realize many walls the two of us had thrown around each other. I wasn't ready for him to know the real me. He held back as well. I couldn't stand that. I was used to being in control & knowing exactly what was going on at all times. If I did not know then I turned the tables til I did know where I stood. I wasn't a control freak, I didn't get off on it. I was just more comfortable knowing exactly how one feels about me. And often being told how one appreciates me. I most usually and very giving to ones I am fond of. Generous I was told once. And for that reason I feel when I get compliments, that is my payback for generosity. I was also used to men looking at me with a certain starry look in their eyes, like puppy dog eyes...*L* But when I didn't get that from certain men, I grew restless. Seemingly experiencing a mild loss of control is how it felt. I had doubts about myself suddenly. I was confused, because I just thought I had found myself, worked extremely hard to get back to me. It was getting mixed up again. I wanted to run in exile again. But I couldn't...I had to face this head on & get through it. I was to change once again...growing comfortable again in yet another skin.
|As I realized my own feelings of loss of control, I doubted very seriously I could handle making him a kindred. He would undoubtedly renounce me once he learned of his power, and flee to tackle to world. What the hell good would that do me? I would have no control whatsoever. But...if I somehow showed him what it bestowed, ultimately teasing him with the thoughts, knowing he would need me to make the choice, therefore I would be important to him so to speak. Find a way to make him need me. I doubt I could sustain power for very long that way. He is intelligent. Its all about trust, and I am not there yet. I don't know what I am worth to him yet, if anything. I am uncertain he is worthy of what I could offer him. He may be one of those mortals who would callously take my gift for granted. I can't know if he knows the importance of this gift into darkness. He could abuse it, misuse it or renounce it altogether. Because to be truthful, he didn't even know me or have a respect for me, my mind or my power yet. Nor did I hold my breath that he ever would. Most of the time he was consumed with himself. I often wondered if he thought of me at all.
|I felt the need for all eyes to be upon me, so I headed out for the night for some mischeivious behavior. I needed a decent feed as well. I dressed wild for the occasion, in my velvet catsuit & cape. I headed to an inner-city techno bar. I longed for the hypnotic beat of the music & blare of the lights and haze of fog. I made a grand entrance as always, with many adoring fans around me. Shots slid down the bar welcoming me in from the night. Lighting up a cigarette, I exhaled, feeling quite at home with all eyes upon me. I grinned ever so slightly, not to reveal my conceit.
|The evening lasted until the dawn. Just before the sun broke the horizon, I lept from the shadows, stealing a hapless soul exiting the club. It was my nightcap before I headed home. Upon my flight home, I reflected the eveings events. The cool crisp wind bit at my cheeks as I soared just below the dark morning clouds. Geez, How I needed attention to just survive. Most everyone that used to be around me knew of this need of mine. The nurtured it willingly. These days I found myself covering it up...voiding myself of feeling such glorious attention. I loved constant doting on. I was not vain nor arrogant, especially not to those closest to me. They knew the whole other sides of me. I knew I could use my skindeep looks to get things in life, and as a vampire it came in handy. But what many were not aware of was my brains. I had those as well, which made me even more dangerous. *evil grin*
|I felt I was leading a double life. Maybe even a triple...*L* One side was comfortable being reclusive, while another side wanted lavish attention. Another side wanted a companion, while yet another feared the closeness. I was most comfortable when alone, with my own thoughts. I wrote in my journal constantly about my thoughts & feelings as though it would make some sort of sense to read it later. I would gaze at the moon, then feverishly write in the sacred book. Some paragraphs went on endlessly about the twisted fate of the world, while others recounted fond memories or minor comparisons in the past & present. I missed the closeness I shared with the coven. It was terribly lonely anymore. I weep when I think of how much has been lost because of selfishness & deceit. But honestly, what other way to we know? I just never thought we would all turn on one another. Davidson was the only other I remained in contact. I wonder if he sensed my uneasiness.
| There was a wave of responsibility consuming me right now. I hated it, because it buried my carefree spirit with tons of guilt, not knowing if it can be recovered. I have felt as though I've been standing at the edge of a cliff, teetering endlessly forever. I've grown tired & desire not to feel this way any longer. I've watched souls come & go, some have inspired me, others have repulsed me. In all of it I walked away positive, having learned or experienced something. Aways head up, walking proud. I had crawled from the worst possible existances & yet I carry myself with dignity & grace. My own grace that is. It is unconventional to say the least, but my liberal loving spirit has drawn in many. Davidson often said I had a innocent yet mischevious way of reeling one in. With innocent flirtations & intellect. He said I was a splendid combination & had no other reason than divinity to blame on my existance. How I loved hearing that. It brought forth confidence in me. Inspired me to strive for more. I was always trying to improve myself. It seemed to be a ritual with me, the constant grooming. Davidson had joked with me once, saying I was the most feline like of my kind..I guess that would explain the excessive grooming of myself. *L*
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