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|Ever so often I got to sneak away for an evening all to myself. I would come out in full vampire presence. I would enjoy flying or hiding within shadows. I loved my special powers. I exercised them as often as I could. I became a frequent presence at this underground techno bar. It was dark & the music was perfect. I loved the atmosphere at that place. I had noticed this girl there each time I had been. She was attractive, with long hair. I got an interesting vibe from her, possibly she was kindred. I would like to talk to her. She seemed to catch my eye, I thought I would take a closer look.
|I was taking refuge in some time alone. I felt I needed it. I was feeling overwhelmed tremendously. I was having a bit of financial trouble due to things falling through on an investment for me. So my funds were tied up & I was unable to live how I had grown accustomed. Pretty soon, under this kind of pressure I was sure to crack. It was all building...the betrayal & loss of my coven, bringing an unexpected change, now meeting this mortal man, sparking another change in the midst. What an unexpected meeting it was. I had to brace myself for what was to come about. I felt a huge storm backbuilding. I felt like I was a caterpillar, locked in a cocoon, now ready to emerge into a metamorphisized butterfly. At least I hoped what change was coming would be positive. I was needing positive in a big way.
|I felt I had offered myself in ways a vampire usually did not offer oneself. I was beginning to feel unappeciated a little. I felt I was putting forth great effort to make him happy. Effort in entertaining him, supporting him..bestowing him attention...did he reassure me? I was starving for compliments, and fishing for them was no fun at all. I wanted him to look at me like I was used to being looked at. When he looked at me, I saw nothing special in his eyes. I felt a little sadness, wondering why my charm had not blown him away. I was almost puzzled at why he kept himself so shut off and not spilling with affection or compliments. He kept me at a distance...and that would constantly make me re-think our situation. I believe I overanalyzed it to death. But I began to realize I sheepishly gave him things he had not earned. And that is where I began to lose ground. He indulged himself to the maximum, never thinking of anyone but himself. I had overlooked it at first, thinking someone had hurt him. But after awhile that was no excuse to go on in life ignoring the beautiful things around you. He had made himself a world to life in, which he felt safe in. He took no chances without knowing the outcome. Afraid of the abyss of not knowing. I lived for that challenge, but not this big & powerful man. He hid behind the walls he built around himself. I began to see what truly was, and he wasn't what I thought he was. His existence was nothing more than a mirage--something that wasn't actually there.
|On the night of a full moon, I slipped out for a necessary feed. I ended up at the little bar I had grown accustomed too. That girl happened to be there that night. She was dancing, smiling. I watched her for a moment before I grabbed my usual red wine & slipped into a dark booth in the back corner. I people-watched from there. Something I absolutley love to do. I watch them interact with one another...read their thoughts. Its like watching tv only better! *S* But everytime I tried to throw it in the direction of the pretty girl, I got blocked. She was blocking me. A couple of times she gazed back into the darkness from which I sit, as if to tell me she was aware. I had a strong sense of battlewounds from her, as if she was seeking vengence. Something unique about her I could tell.
|I was feeling the effects of the wine finally. I began to relax, enough to slip to bathroom for a freshen up...*giggle* In the very back of this place, I learned that it catered to my particular kind, supplying blood. So I lucked into finding this out & becoming a part of this elite club. As I sawyed the door open, my eyes fell upon the long-haired beauty from upstairs, dancing. My eyebrows were arched in complete surprise. She was drinking & smoking at a small low-lit table with a male vamp. I grabbed a glass to refresh myself & stood alone. I could feel my senses becoming heightened, my fangs wanting to bare down. My tongue slipped smoothly over my fangs, as the urge consumed me. Alone in the corner, my eyes fogged too much to see, I could only feel the thumping of blood pounding in my ears. It deafened me. I felt myself fall back, into a couch, luckily. I suddenly felt cool hands upon my forehead. My eyes focused to see her angelic face, smiling at me. She spoke softly, "need a fix do you?" and grinned so honestly. She slipped her long hair back and knelt over me. She told me to please have a drink of something real to hold me over til I could feed, since the bar stuff wasn't doing it. I cupped my hand behind her neck and bared down upon her flesh. It felt so good, to feed, even if it was a mercy feeding. I laid back, refreshed. I felt drunken with her blood & beauty. She was quite spectacular. She introduced herself as Lyza. And I told her my name as well. She seemed pleased to meet another vampire but had never really had any acquaintences of the female gender. I told her neither had I. *L*
|The night continued with drinks & conversation. She was very cool. I was feeling fortunate that we had met. And the fact she was a vampire made me feel I could confide in her possibly about things no one else would understand. The thoughts of that felt really good. I wrote things in my journal about her. She was a new friend. Someone I felt I could trust. She knew of my coven & heard the rumors of deceit & debauchery they bring upon themselves & others. It supercedes them wherever they go. So we had some things in common, which kicked the friendship off to a good start.
| She had quite a history she began to tell me. During our conversation, I noticed the bite wounds I made, were already healed on her neck. Amazing, I thought. I didn't heal that quickly. That intrigued me. But she went on to say that she had a twin who was a vampire too, but brutally murdered. She sought justice and revenge. I knew she was on a mission of sorts. She just glowed of it. I told her if she wanted to get close to finding the murdering bastards, she needed to mask her vibe. I told her I noticed & so would they. She spoke as though they were vampire-killers. So I assumed such. She had no place to go, she had no home. I asked to come back to my place, I had plenty of room & would like the company. She was humbled but welcomed my offer. I acted like a teenager, during a sleepover! *L* I was eager to show off my place & share my space with someone who would appreciate it. It felt good again, having company. We had a stout brandy, and smoked some fine imported cigarettes, till the break of dawn. Laughing & talking all night long, we felt we had known each other forever. We clicked & seemed so compatible. I hoped it was to be a strong bond & friendship. I needed one desperately.
|Sometimes I could feel the happiness, I was so close to it. I could feel it pressing up against my skin sometimes. I never seem to get close enough to actually envelope myself in it. But I could feel it close sometimes, subtle as it was. I wrote these moments & memories in my journal as well. I was like the closest thing to me aside from my clothing. I kept quotes, & funny sayings, events, feelings, everything.
| She slept for 2 days, I almost began to worry. But it was apparent the way she had been living to finally find some comfort in which she could truly rest. I was glad she found me. When she arose, I had hot herbal tea waiting. A wide smile washed across her face. She stirred around while sipping her tea, investigating the house. She spoke of such great comfort within its walls. That pleased me. I told her the room was hers if she wanted it. I would really like the company. She thanked me and promised not to impose. But I told her if we were sharing a place, she was not imposing in the least. I hugged her & told her she had a friend in me, then left her to get dressed for the evening.
| I checked my machine before hitting the sack & there were a dozen messages from Sam. A part of me smiled upon the fact, and the rest of me felt suffication. I longed to see him. I craved that temporary feeling of "normalicy" if you can pretend its a word. It was just at times when in his company, I almost felt like someone else, someone mortal, someone "normal". But it never lasted. Something snapped me back to my cold reality. I still struggled daily with telling him I was a vampire. I had second thoughts, because his power would escape me, and what would happen if he turned on me for some reason? I feared that. I had created enough monsters out there. And eventually things come back to haunt you.
|I returned his call, only to disappoint him. I wanted to see him but told him I couldn't. With Lyza there, he would demand an explanation, and I could not get out of telling him the truth. I could not lie to this man. Centuries had taught me many things, but wisdom had taught me respect. And I had given up lying to the people I cared about. It only made bad blood between people, and I refused to be a party to it. I avoided liars as well, for I had learned the hard way, they cannot be trusted. Needless to say, he abruptly ended our conversation, rambling about work. My cold heart sank a bit in my chest. With that, I swallowed a brandy and hit the sheets.
|I felt compelled to secure my feelings with this relationship with the mortal man. Things had gotten rather strained lately. So I let a few days lapse before I felt like getting in touch with him. I had decided to take off for the night one evening and after an intense feed, I gently flew towards his place. There was a strange car in his driveway & it peaked my curiosity. I took a closer look, of course. As I landed ever so quietly upon his deck, I walked towards his garden doors with the dexterity of a cat. Within I saw him entertaining a young lady. Much like a dagger through the heart, I was slapped into my reality. I had almost fell for it. I was so close, and now I see how close I was to making ahuge mistake. Aside from the hurt I almost felt, I felt relief that I had not brought him over. Look at how he would abuse his power. I paced outside back & forth. I arrogantly lit a cigarette & smoked it just 3 feet away from them outside the door. It was then that I decided to leave. It was not worth it. Obviously.
|I gave him the opportunity the next day to tell me of his latest company & he danced around it repeatedly. I knew within myself what was going on. I was messing around with a player. He would never admit it, but that was it in plain english. He was not the lonely & mistreated man I thought he was. He wanted it all without paying for any of it. He just wanted someone. If it wasn't me, it would be someone else. I felt quite a bit more special than that. I knew he would only be trouble if brought over. I could not risk it & I decided to bail. Besides, I seemed to be more content when alone. It wasn't until a few weeks later, I overheard a conversation between friends at a bar, and the one girl was going on & on about him, the same guy! And I was taken back a bit but I knew he was just lining them up all over apparently..I giggled a bit to myself. It was parculiar to me to be on the receiving end of that. Being a vampire, I was usually the player, because I could not afford to get close to anyone. But it was a different feeling from this side. I felt it was best to disappear. He would not miss me nor suffer any great loss. Besides I wasn't his type no matter how you cut it. I had figured out that I should pity him, for it is he, who has no idea what anything is about. He surrounded himself in material things only to try to impress those around him. But once he looked around, all there was were the material things...he had treated those around him so insensitively he had not noticed he was all alone. He had chased them all away with his selfish concerns. He lacked compassion. I had seen stray dogs with more compassion for others than he. All I remember of him now, was how much he adored himself. Everything in life was about him, but he didn't stop to think, its about everyone. I honestly thought about feeding on him just to get rid of him & make myself feel better. He was a useless person in this world...he brought nothing to it. Would anyone miss him?? I don't think for one minute he could've ever handled me, knowing me. I was too much, I know it. Too bad he never will.
|At home, I found Lyza waiting up for me. She could see the pain within my eyes, and knew something had happened. I walked to her, collasping in her lap in tears. I was so angry at myself for letting it get to me. I hated that all this time alone had made me weak. I let someone in to hurt me. It would never happen again. For I know that I am not compatible with anyone. Everyone had been right all along, and I denied their accusations. Only to see in the end, he was just like all the rest. All those dilluted memories, he was no more unique than the common house fly. Silly of me to think it was anything more than an unexpected meeting.
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