Before you all hit the "reply" button and regale me with tales of how this
movie changed your life and how could I ever malign it and blah, blah, blah, I would
just like to say for the record that I did see this movie and I thought that it was
very good. However, I also think that this is good too. ---------- Many of you have
seen the film 'Titanic,' which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand
years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some
of you -- I am speaking tothe women here -- have seen this movie several times. And
I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately
explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if
you see it again? Do you think this is a 'Choose Your Own Adventure'movie? Because
it's not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the
same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on
the railing on the way down. I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual
sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that
long. (Note to reader: From the following choices, select the 'this-movie-is-too-long'
line you like best and go with it.) 1. Savings bonds have matured in less time than
it takes to watch this movie. 2. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie.
3. I had to shave twice during this movie. 4. Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan,
Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie. As a public
service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker
can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of 'Titanic.' All I want
in return is a lot of money. (Scene 1) KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't
it? KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It
is by an artist named 'Picasso.' I am certain he will amount to nothing. KATE: Ha
ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of course Picasso later amounted
to quite a bit, after this boat sank. LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.
Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You
are very pretty. KATE: Thank you. So are you. LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you,
in fact. I am going to put on my 'brooding' face now, to ensure that women will keep
coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
wet. KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking
pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people
start dying. WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because
you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then,
just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is
entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water. AUDIENCE:
Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities,
we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo
and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though
he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!) * * * (Scene 2) LEONARDO: I'm glad we
snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance. KATE: So am I. Even
though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason
why you and I cannot have sex together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie
will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would
probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me. AUDIENCE:
Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo! LEONARDO: I agree. First I would like
to draw you, though, so of course you will have to take off all your clothes. KATE:
All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor) * * * (Scene 3) FIRST MATE:
Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg. CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for
my drink. (sound of drinking) ICEBERG: (hits boat) FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up! AUDIENCE: (silence) FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools. AUDIENCE:
Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo? * * * (Scene 4) LEONARDO: I have been informed that this
boat is sinking. KATE: That is terrible. LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some
more immoral-but-justified behavior? KATE: Certainly. WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me,
I -- AUDIENCE: Boo! Boo! WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the
deal here. (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet- somehow-less-annoying-than-you
personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon
be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been
mentioned previously. LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me? WEASELLY FIANCE: Because
then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going
to die anyway-- AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo! LEONARDO: He's right, though.
I am doomed. AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed. WEASELLY FIANCE:
I hate you people. * * * (Scene 5) 150-YEAR-OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued
me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if
it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat,
and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well
over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that
Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why,
when I was -- hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I'd turn you
over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come
back here! (Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)