This one has been floating around the Internet for a while, but its a classic. Although
I did score poorly on this one, I did know the joke so that should count for something.
---------- Are You a Guy? Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first
human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with
a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease,
providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary
general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost
quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c.
Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display
simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b.
When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al
Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's
your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing
the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I
am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win
the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally
with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral
is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect
upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who
has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat.
b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells
you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty
of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether
you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings
for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you
cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you
have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life
with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and
all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may.
How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she
turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you
tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill
and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to
her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school
already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw
away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale
and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.
A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship
with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation
for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them
to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused
to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy.
b. Religion. c. Remote control. How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time
you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point
bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.