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Best of the Zen Jihad Quote Sheets

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Last Ride Part 65 Edition



A. Stupidity

1. (Doug, referring to a 35' Awtawmatawn) "Is it large?"

2. (Smith) "Wait, I know where Fenwick is! He's with me!"

3. (N!Xau) "Was his head severed by natural causes?"

4. (As the party is attacked by a 25 foot long golden lizard) "I guess hold person isn't going to work"

5. (Smith) "Now if only I could find Doomsday - Wait, I'm carrying him!"

6. (Clint) "We don't know he is an enemy . . . except that he ate that guy"

7. (Doomsday) "The babe is not the guy who was not talking to her, I mean him"

8. (Herak, as over 800 corpses lie in the fields of Bloodstone) "Is anyone dead?"

9. (Doomsday) "The peasants should walk around in pairs of three."

10. (Berk) One percent chance of dying? That's nothing. I'll do that a million times . . . Well, not a million times.

11. (Kevin) "How could you see the giants?"
(Doug, having learned something in the last three years) "The giants are very tall"


B. Doomsday

1. (Doomsday 9:50 p.m.) "I haven't killed a party member today"
(Doomsday 11:57 p.m.) "Ooops!"

2. (Doomsday) "We trust him. We could kill him with one fireball."

3. (Doomsday, to Maxer) "Hold that pose. That's the one I want to stuff you in."

4. (Doomsday) "I'm going to have to kill a party member real soon - don't quote me on that."

5. (Doomsday) "And we lost nobody! . . . Except the druid."

6. (Syndy) "How are Smith and Herak?"
(Doomsday) "They left a message . . . oh, yeah, Herak died"

7. (Doomsday, to a crowd of peasants, carrying Syndy's charred, twitching corpse) "We have a secretary slot open now."

8. (N!Xau, whining) "Why am I fighting a hellhound alone?"
(Doomsday) "You're not alone. I'm dropping an ice storm on your head."

9. (Doomsday) "I cast color spray on it. It decides to watch me for the rest of its life --which is short."

10. (Doomsday, annoyed) "Will someone surround me with some cannon fodder?"

11. (Doomsday, with ESP up) "Kill him! I want to see what he's thinking as he dies"

12. (Herak) "He paid for fireball"
(Doomsday) "And now everyone else is paying"

13. (DM) "Are you going to try to miss Fenwick?"
(Doomsday) "No"

14. (Doomsday) "I am a man of peace. I am not evil. Call me evil again and I'll kill you."

15. (Axemaster Riff) "Isn't that an inspiring song?" (Doomsday)
"Yeah, it inspires a lightning bolt."

16. (Doomsday) "It lasts one hour per level, . . . which is longer than most of you guys will last."

17. (Doomsday, taking aside mage who has just burned down three houses in Bloodstone Village) "It is not good to kill a lot of peasants . . .So, I see you have fourth level spells . . . Want to trade?"

18. (Doomsday) "Nobody kills half our party and lives!"
(Smith) "Except you"

19. (Alexander, explaining jihad tactics) "Fireball is Doomsday's equivalent to Pawn to King Four"
(later, muttering) "Leomund's tiny brain . . ."

20. (Herak, to Doomsaday) "If Smith and I are standing there, and we're worth 10,000 experience, and you're 10,000 away from bein a lich, would you --"
(Doomsday) "I'd have you raised afterwards"

21. (Doomsday) "They are my pikemen. I will defend them with your life."

22. (Baron) "That is if they breach the wall, which we've got to assume they will."
(Doomsday, pointing at party) "Over their dead bodies!"

23. (Doomsday, to Kalerion's corpse, after cloudkilling him) "Curse you, curse you, why did you have to die!"

24. (Doomsday) "No crypt? Where am I going to sleep?"

25. (Doomsday, about the homonculous) "It has my personality. So it kills me and takes my magic items"

26. (Doomsday) "I'm going to miss Drago . . . Drak . . .?"

27. (Wendell, to D-Day) "Are you being insane again?"
(Doomsday) "Yes, I'm insane. No wait, I'm not!"

28. (Doomsday) "I'm going to miss what's his name"

29. (Wendell) "Ok, who wants to go on the mission to talk to Donlevy Jr.?"
(Doomsday, helpfully) "If we want to kill him, I'll go"


C. Silly Statements

1. (Doomsday to Smith) "Pick me up and touch the spot"

2. (Doomsday) "My homonculous watches my behind"
(Smith) "Lord knows Doomsday's behind is the party's most important asset"

3. (Jihad is detect magiced. The whole party lights up like a Christmas tree. Moose replies:) "No, I wanted Bud Light!"

4. (Passing Wind) "I shall do as I was named"

5. (Smith) "I have magic weapons up the butt"

6. (Berk) "Unleash the lynxes of war!"

7. (Doomsday) "My thing flops around. Flop flop flop.

8. (Doomsday) "We spike ourselves to the wall"

9. (Doomsday, to Smith) "Watch my body"

10. (Dale, being swallowed whole by a Remhoraz) "You mock me!"

11. (Paul) "Doomsday is being beaten on. The homo is down the shaft."

12. (Paul) "Berk is the fastest man in the party with a corpse"

13. (Moose) "I come as fast as I can without my horse"

14. (Berk, on rolling a 20 to dismount from his horse) "I do a triple back-flip, and hand my horse to itself."

15. (Mooseketeer) "How did you get to be so big, Mr. Moose?"
(Moose) "I ate everything my mother put in front of me. We went through a lot of furniture."

16. (Smith, to Sligo) "Who are you, and why are you wearing that stupid helmet?"
(Sligo) "It was a gift."

17. (Berk) "What does Remhoraz taste like?"
(Doomsday & Grodin) "Tastes like chicken!"

18. (Ivar, looking for a ranger to train with) "Being a ranger, I need to see 100 rangers to find one"

19. (Ivar) "I think I should plan all party strategy"
(Doomsday) "We're not going to march around Zhengyi's keep peeing on it!"

20. (Lord Kylraun) "As far as we can tell, the monster fed on fear"
(Wendell) "At least it didn't feed on stupidity"

21. (Gorgul) "The troops have instructions to fire on anything scaly and ugly. . . other than Broomhilda"

22. (Doomsday) "I'm watching the ghoul. The one that moves in a funny way. Not funny ha ha . . ."

23. (Berk) "Who has raise dead?"
(Dday) "Me."
(Berk) "Raise Dead??"
(Dday, with hand gestures) "Levitate"

24. (Berk, returning to Bloodstone) "I haven't been trained"
(Kalerion) "Then stay out of the house"

25. (Thyatius, communing with Corann) "Does Zhengyi know we are here?"
(Kalerion) "Yes! . . . . . . . oops."

26. (Drak, as Arctigis attacks) "Doomsday, we've been through a lot together, and at this point all I can say is . . . 'Mommie.'"

27. (Kalerion, seeing movement in the clouds above Zhengyi's Citadel) "Berk, I'm scared. Hold me."
(Drak) "Ok. Make your saving throw."


D. The Campaign

1. (Doug) "Paul, what are my psionic powers?"

2. (Paul) "It looks like the skulls you see every day"

3. (Mark) "Jeff's playing a Cleric??"
(Paul) "No, I gave him Fenwick to see if anything could kill him."

4. (Paul) "Look, I got more circles to map the dead party members"
(Farbod) "Does that mean we get more henchmen?"

5. (Tim, looking at campaign map with circles for deaths) "Hey, there are a lot of these that say Smith"

6. (Paul, before rolling the dice) "What was Ingwar's AC before he died?"
(James) "What are you implying, Paul?"

7. (Paul, describing sewers) "You see a couple of shadows"
(everyone) "A COUPLE OF SHADOWS! AAAARRGH!"

8. (Farbod, as Helen rolls up Broomhilda) "She's making a new henchman?"

9. (Doug, referring to opening of cheese dip) "No, lets wait"
(Farbod) "That will cost you one ranger"

10. (Paul) "The jihad is too paranoid to rape"
(Mark) "Yeah, you have to take your armor off"
(Helen) "Anyone here seen 'Excalibur'?"

11. (James, seeing new character sheet) "Why is my Con written in pencil?"

12. (DM) "8 guys with bows jump up on either side of the road"
(Jihad) "oooooooh"
(DM) "You mock me!"

13. (Doug, explaining to Farbod) "We didn't know about the secret door. Hence the phrase 'secret door'"

14. (Paul, as Berk lies dead at the bottom of the swamp) "Hmm . . . nothing bad happened to Berk this round"

15. (James, as Paul recalculates that Berk was out of Banak's range) "Well, saved by the Pythagorean Theorum"

16. (DM) "Kara is booking up the stairs like a bat out of hell, and coming to meet her is . . ."
(he picks up winged demon miniature, jihad screams) "A BAT OUT OF HELL!!! AAARRGH!"

17. (Bart, considering the 50 motionless undead) "This looks like an entrance to H4"
(Farbod) "50 undead??"
(Paul) "They're liches . . . it's a convention . . . they're trading spells by ESP"

18. (DM) "The message reads 'It would be best not to enter my kingdom'. It's signed with a stylized 'Z'"
(Jihad, awed) "We have entered the Kingdom of Zorro!"

19. (Herak) "What should we do?"
(NPC) "I dunno, you're the PC's"

20. (Farbod, talking about Berk's monk trainees) "They have personalities? That's more than us!"

21. (DM, to Doomsday) "Most of the people in town are new people, who you don't recognize --not that you recognize anybody"

22. (Farbod) "Doomsday's practicing killing himself"
(Tim) "What?"
(Farbod) "It's what I'm going to do with the giant"
(Tim) "Yes, but how do you practice?"

23. (Paul) "Ok, I'm going to the next turn. Any objections?"
(Doug) "Well, the pedestal was a goofy idea"

24. (Paul, to Farbod) "We're basically playing by the D&D spell rules, which maybe you should take a look at"

25. (Doomsday, to Grodin) "You're a dwarf -- Make us some magic items"


E. Low level guys

1. (Doomsday) "We go through thieves like we go through lunch"

2. (Nepherstasis, after first adventure) "When do I get paid?"
(everyone) "ha ha ha ha ha ha"

3. (Smith, to the King about Rhigaerd) "We will do our utmost to assure his safety, as we do with all party members"
(everyone) "cough, hack, snicker"

4. (Clint) "I've been with the party 100 days and I've aged 5 years and died once."

5. (On burying low-level guys, Doomsday) "I'll Fireball them!"
(Smith) "No, don't. What a waste."
(Doomsday) "We burn them with oil!"
(Smith) "Who carries oil?"
(Doomsday) "Ok, we leave them in the forest and let the scavengers eat them."

6. (Herak) "My water breathing can cover everyone but the Svirfniblem"
(Doomsday) "Don't break my heart"

7. (Doomsday, about Alfar) "I will teach him all I know . . . well, not all I know"

8. (Doomsday) "We have Big Blue. That's about . . . 90 Detect Traps"

9. (The Baron, after the 4th battle of Bloodstone (2000+ casualties)) "The Grand Burial is almost complete"
(Doomsday) "Did someone die?"


F. Jihad Scenes

1. (Berk) "Can I duck out? There are going to be 3 minotaurs attacking me."
(answer) "Yeah, but only one of them is hasted"

2. (Autoclys, Berk, Passing Wind) "And then we came to an area with a burning smell, and rotting corpses"
(Jihad) Rotting corpses, burning smell . . . yeah, I guess we've been there."

3. (Messenger) "Mr. Doomsday needs to be healed!"
(Fenwick) "I must see to that . . . someday."

4. (Villager) "Do you want us to put the corpse somewhere?"
(Moose) "No, it keeps the flies off us"

5. (Clint) "Is there any way we can disguise ourselves from Bane?"
(Smith) "Funny hats?"
(N!Xau) "Silly Walks?"

6. (Smith) "Our plan is to get out of town and stay alive."
(Moose) "Why do we always have the same plan?"
(later, Smith) "We should just throw everyone into combat, assume we are going to take casualties, and bring the bodies back to Suzail to get resurrected"
(Moose) "Why do we alway have the same plan?"

7. (Moose to Vzeerg, after hasting) "You're a year older. Happy birthday."

8. (Moose, after jihad slays the elven rear-guard in the Elven forest) "I bet they'll revoke our elf-friend badges for this"

9. (The party is Detect Magiced through a scry. They light up like a Christmas tree.
Doomsday replies) "Read 'em and weep!"
(Moose moons the scryer) "Detect this, buddy!"

10. (Berk, carrying unconscious Moose, trapped under Myth Drannor, fleeing with jihad remnants from battle where Umberto died) "I feel like something bad is going to happen"

11. (Damsel in distress, being rescued) "Oh, thank you! thank you!"
(Smith) "Oh, shut up"

12. (Herak) "If you dig your own graves we'll give you a beer before we kill you."

13. (Smith) "Let me introduce the party . . ."
(Alanx) "Hold on, let me get my hip boots"

14. (Smith, to Herak) "Resist fire everyone"
(Herak) "Who is everyone?"
(Smith) "You and me."

14. (Berk) "I request lodging for myself, my friend, and Doomsday"

15. (Herak) "I told part of the truth, the whole part of the truth, and nothing but the part of the truth I wanted to tell"

16. (Herak) "I agree with Doomsday"
(Doomsday) "I change my vote"

17. (Herak, about selling the Eye of Orcus) "The best thing we could do was give someone a good deal"
(Doomsday) "I have to agree"
(Herak) Wait, can you say that again?"
(Doomsday) "No, I can't"

18. (Hotel Manager) "Was everything satisfactory? Can I be any more obsequious?"

19. (Herak, to Doomsday) "You really want the invulnerability potion? For what?"
(Doomsday) "Well, mostly for drinking and becoming invulnerable"

20. (Wendell, from window, wathching marauding trolls rape cows) "Just think, if we had won the battle, we'd be raping these cows"

21. (Doomsday) "Thyatius!"
(Thyatius) "Doomsday!"
(Doomsday) "Lets have some cookies and milk"

22. (Erik) "Ok, what temples do we have (in Bloodstone)?"
(Kalerion) "Well, lets see, . . . war, suffering, and death"

22. (Wendell) "Are you noble, Lord Dirk?"
(Lord Dirk) "I am now."

23. (Baron) "How can we convince the Patriarch of our suffering?"
(Jihad) "Take Grey Jay with us!"

24. (Broomie) "I don't want to kill Kalerion"
(Kalerion, being drained by spectres) "Kill me"
(Broomie) "I don't want to kill Kalerion"
(Kalerion) "KILL ME!"
(Broomie) "Ok. You're dead."

21. (Berk) "I think we should bury him in mud with Grey Jay"
(Doomsday) "But he only killed six orphans!"

24. (Wendell) "How would we get the monks back?"
(Broomie) "Ash 'em, bag 'em, bring 'em back"

25. (Wendell, after Zhengyi's Bloodfest) "No, we don't want to attract Zhengyi's attention. He might hurt us."
(later, Kalerion) "If we attack Zhengyi, he might become irrational"

26. (Doomsday) "Let's talk to him then kill him"
(Drak) "Let's kill him, then talk to him"
(Doomsday) "We can do both!"

27. (Kalerion, to Berk) "Yeah, you me and Alfar can go, you can go train, and I'll try to make sure Alfar doesn't get killed by wolves . . . . . . or giant toads."

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