Best of the Zen Jihad Quote Sheets
Last Ride Part 85 Edition
Sérge, In All Its Glory
Paul
"They are demons of peace!"
Doug
"As are we!"
Doomsday (discussing who in the party is still human)
"Well, Verkrul isn't a demon"
Paul
"He's an evil polymorphed dwarf"
Doomsday
"I've lowered my standards"
Paul
"The new party members are more powerful than the old ones."
Dday
"That's because they are all demons and plot twists!"
Paul
"Is that my fault?"
Mark
"My problem is that I'm a mage and Lord Mayor of Heliogabalus!"
Paul
"Was. Oh, I'm sorry, that was just an exhalation"
Voodelmar
"He's not a minion. You'd be embarassed to adventure with him. First, he's got an idiotic name. . . uh . . ."
Akimbo
"I have nothing to offer you but my life."
Party
"We'll take it!"
Caleph
"Do you bear us any ill will?"
Akimbo
"I bear no one any ill will."
Yeenthra, with evil grin
"Would you like to?"
Richard of Fusler
"I'm on my best behavior. Be nice to everyone. All that garbage."
Yeenthra (getting lightning bolted)
"Curse my mother, for not being a demon!"
Yeenthra (after Doomsday has been turned into a giant slug)
"Y'know what they say in the Abyss, 'any fight you can slither away from is a good fight.'"
Still more innuendo
Caleph (discussing hiring)
"There was an opening for a new type 6 demon"
Paul
"Yeah, you've got an opening for a type 6 demon all right!"
Paul
"There should be a new secondary skill for Doomsday"
Doug
"Animal handling?"
Jaemz
"Animal husbandry!"
Aster
"We are in need of servicing-- uh, a service"
Lich
"We have special golems for that"
Doomsday
"I'm doing my horse"
Jihad
"Disgusting!"
Jaemz
"Owen is desperately trying not to say 'Tyr's hammer swings both ways"
Silly
[Knock is heard at door]
Jihad
"Who is it?"
Airtch, the demon
"Airtch"
Yeenthra
"Airtch Who?"
Aster
"Bless you"
Caleph
"How thick is the wildlife in the trees?"
Yeenthra
"Some wildlife is thicker than others"
Caleph
"If you're a tree, how are you talking to us?"
Aster
"I'm a talking tree -- it's D&D!!"
Farbod
"My horse is more than 500 pounds, so I can't dim door his butt"
Paul
"Well, his butt.
Paul
"It's the city of the bitches. They're going to make you their bitches."
James
"Damn."
Paul
"The mind flayer appears to suck your brain out"
Farbod
"Strangely, it still starves"
Playing the Metagame
Paul (on arranging miniatures)
"Put the demons out -- no two in a straight line"
Nick
"You can do that in the Abyss"
Paul, after Farbod thinks the round is over and rolls initiative
We're not done yet. Well, we'll keep that roll. What was it?
Farbod
Two
Paul
Roll again.
Paul
"What's Fusler's armor class?"
Farbod
"Why don't you roll and we'll tell you if you hit"
Paul
"On a d6, something bad happens"
Paul (after a fireball pulverizes some spectres)
"I'm going to count the fire as a negative cold-based attack. So they're immune."
Paul (as many, many 6s show up on die roll)
"Man, if this were a fireball . .(evil look appears on his face) . . it is a fireball!”
Doug
"D&D combat, more than hack and slash"
Paul, to the rest of the jihad
“His mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out”
Doomsday
Melkar
"We should really stop at an inn for food."
Dday
"Why can't we just polymorph birds into cows?"
Paul (after Dday kills the 63 townspeople)
"You eventually walk far enough away that you can't hear the crying and wailing"
Doomsday
"See - it never happened!"
Farbod
"Paul, are you playing by the D&D rules?"
Paul
"I didn't know that you even knew there were D&D rules"
Doomsday
"I use Magic Jar to possess myself"
Helen
"It says 'lifeform'"
Fenwick, surpised
"No Way! It's Doomsday!"
Doomsday
"Well, time passes slowly in Hell--I mean, the Abyss--wherever we were. I forget."
Fenwick
"It is Doomsday!"
Fenwick
"I remember some of you. Some of you (looks at Dday) are in disguise."
Doomsday
"You could see through my disguise!"
Fenwick
"No, no! It's as good as ever."
Snappy (taunting Doomsday)
"You know, when you're hurt as badly as I was, you thank your lucky stars all you lost was a magic item."
Doomsday
"Hey, I thought of that trick years ago; in fact, you're copying me."
Paul
"And if you want to copy him even more, find your best friend and then kill his son."
Doomsday
"I will not Death Spell them: I will be restrained."
Alexander
"When have you ever been restrained?"
Doomsday (gesturing at Alexander)
"Death Spell!"
Jihad Scenes
(clone) Doomsday, about the spider demons
“The old jihad could have hit them -- the jihad of ten minutes ago”
(clone) Yeenthra, as the party discusses what little they have left
"I have blind fighting"
(clone)Doomsday
"Which you'll use when they poke out your eyes"
Demogorgon
"I'm going to send you there, my little morsels--mortals, mortals"
Voodelmar
"We want to be the 'Three's Company'of Orcus TV -- stupid, but beneath notice"
Caleph
"Our mission has become so huge that if we succeed, we will disintegrate. Of course, if we lose, we'll actually disintegrate"
Voodelmar (to demon)
"Do you want this black scroll tube shoved so far up your ass that we'll have to tear you apart to get it back?"
Winged Demon
"Why is he running?"
Doomsday
"He's afraid of flying things"
Winged Demon
"We will eat him"
Doomsday
"Then he'll just be more afraid of flying things"
Doomsday
"Every mage keeps a D-door for themselves"
Vlad
"Yeah, and all clerics keep a cure light"
Voodelmar
"Yeah, all fighters keep . . . a small plastic bag for their remains"
Doomsday (possessing hill giant and mocking Verkrul)
"Ah ha ha ha! Come on ya little weenie dwarf. I killed your whole family! I drove them from their homelands!"
Baron Fenwick
"No one really believed that Smith II was ever alive."
Lord Aster
"No, there really was a Smith II. We should dig him up and show him to you"
Baron Fenwick
"Ah -- that kind of alive"
Voodelmar
"It's so crazy, it might just cause the death of thousands of people."
Doomsday: "Does fire damage demons?"
Yeenthra: "Half."
Doomsday: "Lightning?"
Yeenthra: "None."
Doomsday: "Cold?"
Yeenthra: "Half."
Doomsday: "Hell's Bells!"
Yeenthra: "Full."
Yeenthra
"Four liches, four dragons. And there's four of us! That's one of each for each of us."
Seth, High Priest of Myrkul
"I am not a slow-witted man. I have put together two and two, and come up with... ZEN JIHAD!"
Seth
"The Jihad have done many good things in the past. . . In a broad sense of the word 'good.'"
Melkar, to new recruits
"We're probably leaving tomorrow morning... err... pack for demons."
Yeenthra to inn staff, after the killing and distintegration of Hans Winter
"Excuse me, that applicant... left via another exit. Could you send in the next applicant? Oh, and the custodial staff? It's a little dusty in here."
Yeenthra
"Tranthane did not have life insurance salemen exactly knocking down the door."
Alexander
"What are we gonna do if the liches get the drop on one of the separated groups?"
Melkar
"Mourn them."
Caleph
"It's not like we're going to come and submit to your justice. I mean, we're busy. Now, I don't want to be rude..."
Porter
"Is there anything I can do for you, Alexander?"
Alexander
"Extreme unction."
Paul
You see the gate beginning to glow red. There's weird, swirly things all around it...
Alexander
Yes, I'm sure it's all very supernatural.
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