Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her pennyless with three children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I  had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Thoughts

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A Man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1.Women
2.Fractions

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it.
If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it.
If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Useless facts

Every year, parks in London alone are doused with one million gallons of
dog urine.

The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.

Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese
people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum
action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.

Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.

The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in
length.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first-class.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps.  They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.

Cats urine glows under a black light.

China have more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any
pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.  She would
stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a
normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including
their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers
in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for
each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.

The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as
necessary.  When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia still
had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and
whites.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United
States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

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Last updated: 31/10/97.