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The Normal Life
Part I
By BoB

       ". . . I'm so sick of this place!," a very disgruntled Gringito yelled at the top of his lungs. But still noone could hear him, because they were having a very heated arguement about whether an armadillo could tell the difference beween between frogs and toads. Bob was just about to get one of each, "Noone ever listens to what I have to say!," Bob was returning from the kitchen with a frog, toad and an armadillo, keeping the attention on him," That's it! I'm going in search of the ‘Normal Life'!!," He screamed at the top of his lungs. Everyone fell to absolute silence.
       "You're going to do what?!," Harriet shreiked," How dare you say that! You know as well as the rest of us that that is an offense worse than preisthood and punishment worse than having Martha Stewart as your MOM!," everyone shuddered,"but only if you stay that way."
       "Yeah, besides the only place that would even consider taking you in is the Tai- Tastigon army, and that would be only to do weird chemical experiments or try to kill you!," A very cocky Ba'al stated.
       The whole table sat there and thought about what he head said and what Ba'al had said. Considering everything, a conference was called (right there at the table.)
"First of all we need a talking stick! Where's the talking stick?!," Jamethiel yelled. Gringito got up from the table and took a walk.
       Lothar grabbed the first thing he could find that resembled the talking stick and threw it to the far end of the table, "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!," the table leg squeeled.
       "This thing is just a little sqeaky. Lothar why does it resemble a table leg?"
       "Because I am a table leg!," it jumped off the table and ran out the door.
       Everyone pushed their food away and stared at Bob," I didn't do it! I don't know how to do hallucinogens like that!" Gringito returned with the talking stick.
       "Oh well, you all know the rules. This conference is to decide what conditions, if any, there will be for him to come back, if he leaves."
       The stick was thown to the far end of the table (where the leg had been taken from) several people dove for it, landing on the un- balanced corner. Sending all the food up into the air, where it stayed.
       "I know! We'll make him shave his head and get really sunburnt!," Gamora yelled from the base of the pile as she threw the stick.
       "No, no," Bjorn jumped to catch the stick," we'll make him make his bed up really neat and deny him everything that makes life fun," Bjorn landed on the table, breaking it," Oops." She tried to throw the stick.
       "No,"Bob snatched it,"we'll make him cook his own food for one year and have him pain his room pink,"Bob threw the stick at Pumbaa, who was starting to doze off. The stick stuck in Pumbaas mashed potatoes.
       "No! This is what we'll do. We make him wash all the dishes at that little tavern in Tai- Tastigon, that way. . ."
       "I'm back!," the table leg returned with grease and glue and began putting itself back.
       ". . . Hey! Who has the stick, huh?! Who has the stick? Not You!," Pumbaa bellowed at the leg, "Anyways , make him wash all the dishes at that little tavern, making him work really,really hard for a month."
      The group stopped to consider that while Bob went to chase down the frog, toad and the Armadillo. Gringito pondered all the various ideas. It was still more and more appealing to join the army. He grabbed the stick from Pumbaa and stood up.
       "Listen all you half- heads. If I go for even one month they couldn't break my ways," everyone stared hard at him, very unconvinced, "Fine, you don't believe me. Well then I agree to all of your little punishments if you all will agree to one of mine," everyone nodded, "If I come back after one, no, two months and they still haven't broken me then you all have to dress up in pink tu- tu's and dance through downtown Tai- Tastigon everynight for 1 month."
       That night while Gringito "slept" they packed his bags with things they thought would help their own cause. Things like large knives, bubble gum, pornos, and Bob's own fake death threats against the new mayor of Tai- Tastigon. Then they waited. . .
       The next morning Gringito left early, trying to avoid waking anybody. Boy was he in for a surprise. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


             End Part I

       Stay tuned for the release of Part II, When Gringito arrives at first inspection in the Tai- Tastigon Military Facility. *****************************************************************
The Normal Life
Part II
Bob


-- When we left our ill- fated friend last, he was leaving for the Tai- Tastigon Military Facility. He had arisen early hoping to avoid having to deal with all the people, thinking he was safe from the plights of the guild. --

       The travel had not been easy or kind. Nobody seemed to want to give a ride to a red- haired man, dressed in black, holding a sign that read "Tai- Tastigon Military Facility or DIE!"
       "I just don't understand these people. . . "
       When he finally made it to the gates of the facility, he was mobbed by the MP's and taken in for questioning.
       "What are you doing here?! And why?"
       "I'm here to join the army, because y'all need the help."
       An uproarious laughter filled the compound.
       "The only way you can join us is if you can proove yourself more competant than all the others."
       "OK"
       "Proceed to the registration and first inspection building. They will get all the important info, you know: height, weight, eye color, age, boxers or briefs. Anyway then you'll go to first inspection, where they'll look through all the stuff you brought and take out what you don't/ won't need. After that you'll pick up your uniform and report to my office. Got all that?"
       Gringito's facial expression rose cheerily and put a big dopey smile on his face, "Oh goody, that's just absolutely charming!," he squealed in a mocking voice. He figured that this would be the only way to keep his side of the bet fair.
       So he picked up his bags and skipped, yes skipped, to the registration office. Everyone dropped whatever they were doing to see the red- haired head bobbing up and down through through the complex. This was visually appealing to all the various test subjects, especially the ones who were the subjects of chemical testing, some even died laughing.
       When he arrived at the office, he had developped quite a following of various military nerds.
       "I'm here to register."
       "Aaahhh, Gringito Noshadow, let me pull your file," he went to the safe, "yes here it is. All we need from you is a birthdate, birthplace and current place of residence, in detail." he handed the form to him.
       "So I suppose all the guys I haven't killed gave you all the other information, but how did you know the answer to #5? Depends?"
       "Yeah, well we kinda figured briefs for tight costumes and winter, and boxers for looser costumes and summer."
       "Oh. . ."
       "And besides Arachne has pretty weird habits, some that involve the undergarments of particular individuals."
       "Eewww," he shuddered and finished the form, being sure to out smart them. "Birthdate: after time began but before it ended. Birthplace: somewhere not here. Current place of residence, in detail: well you all don't seem to notice that since I'm standing here, that I obviously don't reside anywhere except where my feet are, so then I suppose I live right here on the 5th and 6th squares from the front door of the registration office," he handed the paper back to the person who looked it over.
       "Jackass"
       "Specific enough?"
       "Move on"
       So he went to first inspecton, where they had the bomb squad at the ready.
       "Open the bag and take out all the contents. Place them on the table."
       "Okely, Dokely!," he dumped his bag out and everyone dove for cover, "Wow, you guys are really paranoid!" The contents of the first bag consisted of pornos, stupid pranks book, knives, various components for a bomb, a jar of vaseline and black, lacy, fishnet pantyhose, "Dammit Pyrros!," The second bag revealed a folded note, a pack of gum, a bubble gun and a box of sporks, all amongst the ‘normal' stuff like clothes and books.
       "Please unfold the note, then hand it to me."
       "OK"
       "This is just a reminder to me to assemble the bomb and kill the mayor."
       Needless to say first inspection took him striaght to the principals office.


       Thus concluding part II
Stay waiting for the conclusion in part III, When Gringito arrives at Basic Training.

*****************************************************************
The Normal Life
part III
By Bob

--When we last left our crazed associate, he was at the Tai- Tastigon Army Registration Center. Where he had just gone through first inspection.--

       Gringito entered the Generals office, making sure to look for any shred of incompetance or cowardice that he could use against the army official.
       "So they sent you here because, why?," a rather ominous low voice sounded from behind a chair. (Which coincidentely was quite ominous as well. (You see, it was one of those big, leather high-back chairs, with all the little gold studs lining the seams, behind a rather large wooden desk that was kept meticulously clean kind of chair). So obviously he was in trouble).
       "Because of what some people stuck in my packs before I left," Gringito growled noticing a goldfish swimming in a bowl on his desk. "I suppose that I'm going to be punished evn though I didn't do it."
       "Well," the large ominous seat swiveled around, "Yes, unless you can prove that you didn't do it," The white- haired figure (looked something like an ewok who had escaped the zoo) sat fingering a panel of buttons on the arm of his chair.
       "How do you expect me to do that?!"
       "I don't know! Figure it out! You're the one who manages to out smart my gaurds all the time," the fuzzy faced figure sarcastically snapped at him.
       "I out smart your gaurds because they're stupid, not because I'm smart!"
       "Well, tough!," he fed his goldfish and grabbed for something that didn't appear to be on his desk, "Where is my nameplate?!"
       Gringito saw it on the floor in front of him and picked it up. "R-e-i-b-e-k-u-l-h-c-s? How is that pronounced?"
       "I. . . don't. . . know," a hint of feebleness lingered in his voice.
       "What do you mean?"
       "Everyone only calls me ‘general'"
       "Big Surprise!"
       "What?! Are you gettin' smart with me?"
       "Yessir"
       "Well at least you're honest. Do push-ups!"
       "No"
       "Do situps"
       "Nah"
       "How ‘bout jumping jacks?"
       "Mmmmm, don't think so."
       "Gaurds, put this man on watch duty for 20 hours a day 6 days a week! With a limited diet of whatever isn't eaten at meal- time."
       "What are you going to do with the other two days worth of time?"
       "Hard physical and mental labor!," a very scratchy, southern voice said from behind him.
       "How do you plan on mentally chalenging me when you can't even mentally challenge yourselves?!"
       "We'll find a way."
       So Gringito was escorted to the gates where he was given a sword and a key.
       "You stay here until I come back."
       "What if I need to open the gate?"
       "Then go open the gate!"
       "But then I'd be moving away from this position and get in trouble."
       The escort got a very flabbergasted look on his face and drew his sword.
       "Are you trying to get me in trouble?"
       "Do you want me to?"
       "No"
       "Well then put down your sword and we'll talk this out."
       So the gaurd set his sword down, which Gringito immediately picked-up and killed him with.
       "One down, more to go," as seven other gaurds rushed him, "Ok! Just testing the stupidity factor around here!," he threw down both swords.
-- Later that day in the Generals office --
       "Well should we go check on our test subject?," Reibekulhcs asked his lieutenant.
       When they got out on to the promenade they saw a large party taking place, with all the gaurds sloppy drunk with cheap hookers on thier arms. Gringito stood at the open gate, waving people in, assuring all of them that it was totally legal (and probably the only chance they'd get to destroy the facility.)
       "Keep movin' We've still go lots of space and booze! Keep movin' . . ."
       "Noshadow! What in the popes holy bedsheets are you doing?!"
       "Having a party."
       "Who said you could have a party?"
       "You did sir."
       "I most certainly did not!"
       "Who gave me the key to the gate, hmmmm?"
       "To my office right now!"
       So they went back to the generals office, pushing thier way through the hoardes of mangles. When they finally reached his office, Gringito had talkd the general into a very unusual but potentially profitable idea. . .
       So Gringito packed his bags and left the Tai- Tastigon military facility, with full escort (all armed to the teeth). Headed towards the the guild hall.
       When they got there Gringito told them to wait in the bushes until he came back. They did. Gringito went into the front door and stayed inside for 10 min, after that he was thrown out by Pumbaa and Bob. (In a very theatrical manner)
       He crawled back to where the gaurds were. "Alright, here's the plan. We're going to sneak in through the kitchen, because that's where all of the sharpest knives are. After that we're going to sneak all the way up to the Shanir's office, where we're going to take her and the floor hostage. Got it?," he held back a snicker.
       "Yeah," the group replied in unison. So they went to the kitchen first, where Bob was standing over a large cauldron of boiling something.
       "Hi Gringito! Back so soon?"
       "Shut up! Give them all of your knives!"
       "If you had told me that you were bringing guests, I would have made more lunch. Are you hungry? Here let me serve you and your little friends some nice hot soup and tea," Bob said very non- chalantly.
       "Listen, we don't have time for this craziness! Give us your knives! NOW!," Gringito roared.
       "Well at least let me serve your little friends, you know let you scout ahead. . . then you can come back and they'll be all ready for the rest of the mission."
       "All right, FINE!," Gringito stormed out of the kitchen holding back a laugh.
       Bob fed the gaurds a unique new brew of tea with an all new Bob soup mixture. By the time that Gringito got back all the gaurds were passed out at the table.
       "I'm back!"
       "Good job," Bob said, "Now we can take them upstairs and set them up."
       "Yeah, but are you sure this will work?"
       "Only if we get them upstairs before the poison wears off," so Bob and Gringito set off on thier way, carrying all of the gaurds all of the way up to the Shanir's office. "Do you think that they'll understand their punishment?"
       "No"
       "Good"
       When the gaurds awoke from their tea induced trance, they wondered how they got where they were, and why the walls were breathing.
       "Allright. Good job, not many people can make it this far without being noticed. Now you need to hold your positions with your lives. If you see something or someone that isn't supposed to be here, do something about it," Gringito looked into the dialated, bloodshot eyes of one of the gaurds, "Oh, and if you can't bring yourself to fight one of them, stand really still and act like a statue. Nobody's terribly observant up here."
       "Yessir," they replied in unison.
       "But what if the statues move?," a voice from behind the group asked.
       "Well then kill it," Gringito looked at the line. All the gaurds looked at each other, the poison was in full force, with side effects.
       One of the gaurds started giggling and pointing at Gringitos hair, "Look it's on fire!"
       "Yeah! And the statues are coming towards us too!," Bob came down off his pedestal, he was wearing the most oddly contrasted shirt he could find.
       "Wow! He's moving so fast his shirt leaves trails!"
       All the rest of the Guild members came off thier pedestals and proceeded to the large gathering of tripped- out gaurds.
       Ba'al and Bjorn started playing catch with a brightly colored beach ball.
       They did this for a very long time.
       Finally one by one, they died of sensory overload.
       "Well at least they died happy!"
       "Do you want me to take them down to the meat locker?"
       "Considering what I just put into them and how much of it I put in, do you honestly want me to cook these?"
       "No"
       "Well then ship'em back."
       "Now that I don't need this anymore," he removed the armor that they'd given him, "And put this here," he put a note in one of the gaurds pockets, "And finally leave this here," he added one of the Guild's trademark assasination daggers in the chest of one of the gaurds.
       "Was it worth it?," Bob asked
       "Nah"
       "Would you do it again?"
       "Maybe"
       "Do you want to do it again?"
       "Yeah!"
       And then they feasted, for many hours, on leftovers, that Bob had from the previous night.
A letter arrived on the doorstep of the generals home,
            "General,
                "This is a defeat that should not be forgotten. Your men are truly a fine example of a waste of Tai- Tastigons' money. They all died of drug use, and the one that has the dagger in his chest, that's just a new trademark.
                "You were set up, hope to see your pitiful men again! Oh by the way, thanks for the key to your compound, I'll be visiting your compound shortly.
                        "Sincerely
                             G. Noshadow"


THE END

This concludes The Normal Life trilogy. If you would like to understand more of why this happened, grab a copy of a guild notebook and read ALL of the stories up to this point. P.S. Nobody won the bet.

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