My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go to a nice restauran. A little wine, good food ... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife:" Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said:" Somewhere I have never been! " I told her:" How about the kitchen? "

My wife and I, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife told me her car wasn't running well - there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife is on a new diet - coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but she can now climb a tree!

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days! And then the mud fell off ...

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling:"Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

An old woman went to a doctor to discuss an embarassing problem. She said she broke wind at least 20 times a day. "But they are silent and don't smell," she said. The doctor gave her a prescription and asked her to see him a week later. When she returned she was really angry, "What did you give me?" she demanded. "I still have the problem but now they smell really bad." "Calm down," said the doctor. "Now that we have cleared up your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

Mother: Get up, son! It's time to go to school. Son: Mum, I'm not going to school. The teachers hate me. The children hate me. Even the gardener hates me. Mother: You still have to go to school. After all, you are the principal.

John : I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle. Peter : You look silly riding a cow. John : I will look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle.

Lady : Is this my train ? Station Master : No, it belongs to the railway company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur ? Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Ted : I can call " Rover! Rover! " all day long and my dog won't come. Ned : How come ? Ted : Because my dog's name is Lucy.

Nelson Mandela is relaxing at home when the bell rings and Ah Beng walks in and yelling: "You sign ! You sign." Behind him is a truck full of car exhausts. "Look friend, you're obviously got the wrong address," says Mandela. Next week the same thing happens. This time Ah Beng has a truckload of brake pads and he tells Mandela "You sign, you sign." Again, Mandela tells him he's got the wrong bloke. One week after this, Ah Beng calls on Mandela with two truckloads of car parts. Mandela loses his cool and yells: "I have told you before you have the wrong name. Get lost !" Ah Beng looks confused, consults his clipboard and says: " You are not Nissan Main dealer ?"

source, laughlines TNP 4/5/98

man : Your place or mine ? woman: Both. You go to your place, I go to mine.

man : You look like a dream woman : Then go back to sleep.

man : I want to give myself to you woman : I don't accept cheap gifts.

man : Haven't I seen you some place before ? woman : Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

man : I'll go through anything for you. woman : Let's start with your bank account.

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" THe clerk tells him:" No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says," Okay", and leaves. The next day the duck walks in to the feed and asks,"Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in and asks," Got any duck feed?" The clerk says," I've told you twice, we don't have any duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The next day, the duck walks in and asks," Got any nails?" "No!" says the clerk. "Good," says the duck. "Got any duck feed?"

An overweight blonde goes to a doctor. He puts her on a diet, saying:"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, repeat this procedure for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing," says the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger you mean?" asks the doctor. "No, from skipping."

A diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir found American food too salty. So he kept sending his manservant to fetch him water to drink. Time and again, the manservant would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "You son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched manservant. "White man sit on well."

A missionary decides to teach a tribal chief how to speak English, so he takes him for a walk through the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,"This is a tree." The chief grunts,"Tree." Then the missionary shows hima rock and says,"This is a rock." The chief grunts,"Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic until they stumble upon a couple in the bushes. Flustered, the padre tells the chief,"Riding a bike." The chief nods then kills the couple with his blow gun." "How can you kill them for riding a bike?" asks the padre. "My bike," says the chief.

source, laughlines TNP 4/5/98

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the baats feel hungry. "Let's go and find some food," he suggests. "I don't think you can find any food at this time of the day," says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!" says the first bat. So he flies off. After a few minutes, he is back with blood smeared all over his face. Impressed, the second bat asks," Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?" "Well, do you see that tree out there?" says the first bat, pointing at a tree outside the cave. "Yes," says the second bat," Of course I see it." "Well, I didn't," replies the first.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for aa bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged towards him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside," You skin this one while I go get another."

A boy asked his father to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks:" Can I speak to Alfred, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says Dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alfred a seond time. "No, there;s no one called Alf! Go away. If you callagain I shall telephone the police." End of conversation. "That's aggravation." "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials a third time. "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

A seaman and a pirate take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook and eye-patch, the seaman asks," So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies:"Arrgh! That's a fine story... we was caught in a monster storm off the Cape when a giant wave swept me overboard. "Just as they were pulling me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off. "But he was sorry!," he continued, pulling open his jacket to reveal a trader ship, pistols blasting and swords swinging. In the fracas me hand got chipped off, but they were sorry!" "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "and how came ye by the eye-patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," said the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping??!!" asked the sailor, surprised, "Well..." said the pirate, lifting his sharp, polished hook into a dazzling beam of sunlight," ..It was me first day with the hook."

An out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answers. "Pardon me, I'm out of work and looking for any jobs that people need done; I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting ..." "Painting?" the woman jumped in. "Oh, yes! I'm a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening with the prospect of work. "My husband has just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven't had any time. "If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. Now do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also and I'll pay you an extra bonus." "Oh yes, I'll do an excellent job!" said the maan, and rushed to the garage. A few hours later, the man returned to the door, "That was quick, did you do a good job?" the woman asked. "Oh yes, two coats! But that's something you should know," the man says confidently. "That's not a Porsche, that's a Mercedes."

source, laughlines TNP 25/5/98

A man wants to buy a pet that can do everything. To his surprise, the pet shop recommends a centipede. The man has his doubts, but decides to give it a shot. Once they reach his home, he tells the centipede:"Clean up the living room." Within five minutes, the living room is sparkling! Then he tells the centipede:"Do the dishes." Again, in five minutees, the dishes are done. Impressed, the maan tells the centipede:"Run down to the corner and buy me a newspaper." One hour passes. No signs of the centipede. Afraid it might have been run over by a car, the man opens his door and is shocked to find it is still sitting outside. "Hey, I sent you one hour ago to get that newspaper," says the man. "I'm going, I'm going," says the centipede. "I'm just putting on my shoes."

A man was riding in the back of a limousine when he saw two man eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But Sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along. And you, come with me, too," he said to the other man. "But, Sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows said:"Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied:"No, you don't understand. The grass at my home is about two metres tall!"

Son:"Mum, when I was out on the bus with dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mum:Well, you did the right thing. Son:But, mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A newly-married man asked his wife:"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly," I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune."

Father to son after exam:"Let me see your report card." Son:"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his father."

Two atoms are drinking at a bar. Suddenly one says to the other:"I've just lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks the other. "Yes," the first atom replies. "I'm positive."

A young engineer fresh out of school was asked at a job interview:"And what starting pay were you looking for?" The engineer said:"In the region of $96,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said:"Well, what would you say to a package of five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund of 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a BMW?" The engineer sat up straight and said:"Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah," the interviewer replied,"But you started it."

A man goes to buy a birthday present for his daughter. He asks the salesgirl:" How much for that Barbie in the window?" "Which Barbie?" she asks."We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95" "Why is Divorced Barbie for $265.95 when every other Barbie costs $19.95?" asks the man. "That's obvious," says the salesgirl. "Divorced Barbie comes along with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture ..."

source, laughlines TNP 1/6/98

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, and pretends you never set it free at all, you either married it or gave birth to it,

Saddam Hussein visits a school in Baghdad and asks:"What's a tragedy?". Says one boy:"If a child gets run over by a car, it's a tragedy." Saddam shakes his head and says:"No, that's an accident." Says another boy:"If a bus full of kids goes down a cliff, it's a tragedy." Again, Saddam shakes his head and says:"No, that's a great loss, but not a tragedy." A third boy says:"If your plane crashes and you die, that's a tragedy." Saddam beams and says:"Well done. How did you figure that out?" The boy replies:"Because it wouldn't be an accident or a great loss."

Three mice are sitting at a bar and boasting. The first mouse says:"When I see a mousetrap, I set it off, catch the bar with my teeth, bench press 20 times and make off with the cheese." Says the second one:"When I see rat poison, I grind it into powder, add it to my coffee and get a good buzz for the rest of the day." Says the third one:"I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

Bill, Jim and Peter were at a convention together, sharing a large suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the hotel lifts had broken down and they had to climb 75 flights of stairs. Said Bill:"Let's make this interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim will sing the next 25 and Peter will tell sad stories the rest of the way up." So they huffed and puffed their way up. Bill told jokes, Jim sang songs. Then on the 51st floor, it was Peter's turn to tell sad stories. "It's my saddest story," he said. "I left the room key in the car."