It's like when you're
discussing the many talents of your three uncles on your mother's side
over fish and chips at a local restaurant/microbrewery, while the interesting
Scottish waiter brings you katsup and malt vinegar, and your dining friend
says, "Well, Jed's very mechanical, which is one thing Jeff isn't.
I mean Jeff, he couldn't fix the broad side of a barn." And it's
at that very moment that you ask yourself, and your dining friend, "What
is the broad side of a barn?"
"Well I don't know.
It's an expression."
"I know, but what is
the broad side of a barn? I mean, why did you say that? Where
did that expression come from?"
"I don't know."
"Have you ever seen
the broad side of a barn? What does it look like? Is it absent,
or is there actually a wall there that you just prop up? Is it incredibly
easy to build the broad side of a barn?"
"Well, yeah. It's
just beams of wood. Incredibly easy."
"I probably couldn't
build the broad side of a barn, and I guess we should just say that it's
rather difficult, because besides Jed, I don't know anyone who could."
"Yes, but it's easier
than the other sides of the barn."
"I guess I shouldn't
pursue contracting."
The point of this mindless
drivel is, where do expressions come from? That is truly what I would
like to know. Why shouldn't we count our chickens before they're
hatched? Did some poor farmer do so and get into a lot of trouble?
And who ever thought up this classic: "He eats like a bird," and had it
mean that he eats very little? (Birds eat their weight in food every
day -- "he'd" be a pretty large man by now if "he" ate like that!)
And who thought of, "You can't
make a silk purse out of a sow's ear?" How does he know? Did
he try? And why a sow's ear? Why not tree bark? You can't
make a silk purse out of tree bark, either. And why is the world,
"going to Hell in a hand basket?" I know a few things that burn faster
than a handbasket. Hair, for one. I happen to know that hair
burns quite fast. Much faster than some old handbasket, and I personally
would rather go to hell on a bed of hair, than in a handbasket.
And now for your reading
pleasure, some of my favorite expressions:
Busier than a one legged
man in an ass-kicking contest. (Is that busy? Maybe the one
legged man was disqualified for only having one leg, or maybe he decided
it was too difficult and quit. That wouldn't make him very busy,
now would it?)
S/he couldn't pour piss
out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. (One question:
why is there piss in the boot in the first place? It seems to me
the expression should focus more on the idiot who put the piss in the boot,
than the idiot who can't pour it out.)
I've sallyjacked the
potato salad.
It's better than a poke
in the eye with a sharp stick. (No, it's not.)
Up a creek without a
paddle. (I don't see why this would matter much. If you were
up a creek without a paddle, couldn't you just float down it? Why
would you even need a paddle? I think I would enjoy floating down
a creek. Being down a creek without a paddle and desperately wanting
to go up it, now there would be a problem!)
You never know. (Not true. Sometimes you know.)
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