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Random Genius:
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During a recent hiatus from
sleep, I stumbled on the greatest business idea I have heard yet.
(This is better than anyone's underwear scheme.) I decided it would
be absolutely brilliant if I could bottle and sell my own brain drippings.
After praising myself until I turned blue in the face (I held my breath
as I thought of all the amazing things that could come of my idea) I gathered
information and wrote a dazzling knock-your-socks-off letter to Gerber
International Foods Corp. and they have indeed agreed to process and sell
the mush my brain turns to after a little bit of fun and 36 hours without
sleep. This is just the latest in a series of attempts to make babies
smarter through the bottling and selling of intellectual brain "goo."
(Ever wonder why babies say "goo goo?" They know...)
Red's Liquid Mem-Brain (catchy name, eh?) is
the first item in this new line of all-natural knowledge enhancers.
Coming soon is Red's Skeletal Zwieback. (Mmm. Zwieback.)
Nationwide taste tests have shown that 85% of children surveyed prefer
Red's Liquid Mem-Brain to pureed squash. Teenagers in Tallahassee,
Florida have been spotted eating Red's Liquid Mem-Brain in a desperate
attempt to improve their low SAT scores. (Scientists have yet to
confirm whether or not this is effective and if there are in fact teenagers
in Tallahassee.)
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Coming August 6 to TGIF on ABC:
From the people who thought up the titles of "Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place" and "It's Like, You Know..." comes a new comedy starring the members of that hot boy band, NSync:
"Pretty-Voiced Pretty-Boys Who Take Advantage of Horny Pre-Adolescent Girls In Their Spare Time," or "PVPBWTAHPAGITST," for short.
"PVPBWTAHPAGITST," is ABC's
last-ditch effort to recapture their 13 loyal viewers who left when the
last series featuring the Olsen Twins was cancelled after a record-breaking
four episode stint.
The show is rumored to revolve around a group
of 20-something male singers who have the combined IQ of a chicken and
who spend all their time making idiots out of themselves because they think
that if 12-year-old girls want to hear them sing, the world must want to
hear them talk. This should be a winner, folks. The adolescent
minds of ABC have created genius once again!
PVPBWTAHPAGITST. August
6. 8/7 Central. Only on ABC. (Reruns begin August 13
on the WB.)
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