Just like catching a whiff of grandma’s old perfume, I come flooding back, thrusting you into a familiar antiquity. I am a comfortable memory; that beat-up sofa in the corner that reeks of ‘Nilla wafers and nostalgia. I have such enormous sentimental value, you can’t help but smile.
It’s been a while, so you might as well settle-in. Put down the phone, fix yourself some coffee, relax and enjoy. Isn’t it about time you took some time for me?
* * * * * * * * * *
As you may well know, I am running for governor of California. I am between jobs at the moment and am looking for something to supplement my income. I am not a porn star, and I can’t bench press a small country, but I will never mistake bargain basement for designer couture, and
I KNOW RYDER STRONG. [Taking a cue from Mr. Schwarzenegger, I, too, have decided to run purely on celebrity!] I enjoy long walks on the beach, and if elected, I promise to make them identify what’s in the “meatloaf” they serve in the cafeteria on Tuesdays.* * * * * * * * * *
Pay no attention to that loud ripping sound you hear. It’s just a raccoon, tearing up the floorboards from underneath the house. He may sound like he’s broken through to the living room, but I reckon he’s got at least two more layers to go.
* * * * * * * * * *
In a strategic move to gain more votes in the upcoming gubernatorial election, I have decided to spice up my campaign. To demonstrate the new, sexier me, from this point on, I shall do all writing in the nude.
* * * * * * * * * *
Is something wrong? You’ve hardly touched your coffee.
* * * * * * * * * *
In keeping with my heightened sexual image, my house and the surrounding area shall heretofore be referred to as the
“Red Light District.” Please do not forget to stop [in] when red lights flash. Remember, if your last name begins with the letters A-H, it’s your turn to bring an appetizer to share. (The Hoffmans are exempt, because as much as we love you Barbara, we really can’t risk another episode of food poisoning – no matter how tasty your Crunchy Chicken Cheese Puffs are going down!)* * * * * * * * * *
It’s not hot in here, it’s just me.
* * * * * * * * * *
As always, I encourage you to recycle. You know that guy from your college Psych. class; the one whose email address you still have, even though it’s been three years and you’re not sure you ever actually knew his name? One small click of the “Send” icon and he, too, shall experience the beauty that exists herein. Go on; share the wealth.
