An FF7 Christmas

Notes: Vincent is a _Vampire_ in this story. (Yeah, it’s freaky, I know) It’s just one of those experiments that were done on him.

Yuffie is _obsessed_ with materia. (Well, if there was materia in our world so would I.)

Tifa and Cid don’t hate each other. (Remember this, OK?) It’s just the "warming" incident at the beginning of the story that sets them off. (In my future stories they will get along good for longer rather then piss each other off.)

Barret has lost his attitude. He speaks fluent English now.

Aeris _loves_ Chocobos. She’ll do anything for them even if it is bad for them and it seems good for her.

OK, are you ready to read now? Good. Go Ahead. Just keep in mind all of the above and I HOPE you realize this story is not perfectly coherent with the game.

Setting: In a cabin with a Chocobo stable attached. There is a very inclement blizzard outside, and everything is almost frozen or covered with snow. It is Christmas Eve, about a year after the death of Sephiroth (who, BTW, is alive), and the whole gang is inside. President Rufus’s dead body is roasting over the fire for food.

Aeris: (Coming back from Chocobo stable.) The chocobos just won’t eat the greens.

Cid: Why?

Aeris: I think the beaks are frozen shut. And when I tried to mate them all that came out was icecubes.

Vincent: I told you we should have gotten a heater…

Aeris: What’s worse, when you pet them their feathers just break off.

Yuffie: Today when I was escaping from the materia bank after I robbed it, his legs just broke off…I had to walk and the Shinra almost got me…Luckily the comet materia exploded and killed them all.

Cait Sith: Since you have enough materia, I HOPE you plan on giving it to us as a Christmas present.

Yuffie: Well, actually the balls froze and when they smashed together they broke up...Good thing though that the fire one exploded on me because I sure was cold.

Aeris: WAIT!! ARE YOU TELLING ME MY GOLD CHOCOBO IS LEGLESS!!!

Yuffie: NO!! The Shinra got him instead of me and took him to a prison…I hope it’s nice and warm there.

Cloud: Anyway… (He is interrupted by a knocking on the door.)

BANG! Tifa smashes down the door and walks in covered in frostbite, hypothermic, and nearly incased in an ice cube.

Cid: Oh my! (He runs over and starts sticking his cigarette all over her in an attempt to warm her up, as he does many cracks appear in the ice.) h…honey, don’t die on me, please don’t die, I..I…I LOVED you.(Cid bursts into tears and falls on his knees, Tifa breaks out and does all her limits on him.)

Tifa: Never call me your honey, and never stick that crack in my face again. (She walks over to Cloud, who is sitting on the couch near the fire, watching it all.) Cloud is my honey.

Cloud: Right…But anyway tomorrow is Christmas, and I was planning on having a party, so I need some help to get prepared.

Red XIII: So let’s assign jobs. Any volunteers?

Cloud: Don’t forget we need a tree.

Vincent: I’ll get the food.

Yuffie: I’ll get the drinks.

Cait: I’ll get the music.

Tifa: I’ll go with Cloud. Here’s an idea for Cid. I heard the local drug lords left you a whole stash of drugs in the dumpster, you’d better go get them.

Cid: Shutup Tifa!! Say anymore and your bras will be roasting with Rufus.

Cloud: CHUTUP!!! Tifa, what do you want to do?? You can’t go with me!

Tifa: Fine, I’ll get the ornaments for the tree.

Cid: I’ll get the decorations.

Red XIII: I’ll get the entertainment.

Barret: I’ll get the plates and spoons and eateries.

Aeris: I’ll stay and try to prepare Rufus…And makes sign to keep Palmer out.

Cloud: Anything else we may need?? It looks like I’ll have to get the tree.

Yuffie: Materia!!! Materia!! All shapes, all colors, all sizes!! Just get Materia…. I mean ummmm…uhhhhhh..Decorate the tree with materia, yes, that’s right

Aeris: Speaking of what goes under the tree….

Cait: Presents. Everyone tell each other what you want.

Cloud: I don’t want anything.

Tifa: Well I could use some Victoria’s secret bras.

Cait: A new fortune ball.

Cid: Hummm…let me think (pause) a spear sharpener, so I can use my spear as a fire poker to put Tifa’s new Victoria’s Secret bras in the fire.

Tifa: Hey Cid, how bout’ usin’ the sharpening oil as an igniter for your stash. Or you can pour it on your spear so when it lights on fire you’ll have an extra long one to smoke.

Cloud: ENOUGH!!!

Vince: Vampire Fangs, but only a few.

Red: Well, it’s hard to say, but I would like a new feather for my headdress.

Yuffie: MATERIA!!!!!! Especially the powerful stuff.

Barret: Some 100 caliber ammo for my gun.

Aeris: I don’t want to have Cloud to be the only polite one, so I’ll have nothing also.

Yuffie: It’s not rude to ask for something.

Cait: It’s actually very nice to get what others want.

Cid: Is it nice to want stuff?

Cloud: Not a lot of expensive stuff or killing-

Cid: Okay, I want Tifa dead. And the only thing expensive about that is the funeral and the cloth to wipe up your sword. But I already think we have a shovel and a towel, so I guess there’s nothing expensive about that.

Tifa: I’m surprised the shovels not for uncovering hidden drugs.

Aeris: (In an attempt to stop the fight) I still don’t want anything at all. Period.

Chocobo (from the stable) Bring me a caring family who would give me heat.

Chocobo (from Shinra prison) Give me my legs back so I can escape and get Yuffie!

The whole gang sets out to do there job and get a present.

Cloud’s Adventure!

Setting: Cloud goes to trees-r-us, and looks around.

Employee: May I help you?

Cloud: Yes. I’m looking for A Christmas tree. Do you have any?

Employee: (Laughing) Oh, well yes. You’re just surrounded by them.

Cloud: Oh thanks. (He looks around some more and finds the perfect one. He goes to the sales counter and asks for help, and they send an employee to help.)

Employee: Are you sure this is the one you want?

Cloud: Yes, but how much is it?

Employee: Hmmm, let’s see. Only 9,999,999,999,999,999 Gil. And you can take advantage of the sale, too. A free "tree" materia for every purchase.

Cloud: (Angry) Hey lady, you should consider lowering your prices by 9,999,999,999,999,980 gil. I would pay 20 gil for this damn tree and that’s all.

Employee: No way.

Cloud: Forget it! (He takes out his sword and cuts off the employees head. Blood gets on the tree.) LOOK WHAT YOU DID!! I finally find the only Christmas tree among all these other deciduous trees and you get blood satins on it!! I can’t believe this service.

(He wipes the blood off the sword on the tree and then goes to customer service to complain. He then leaves and goes to a tree farm.)

Cloud: Excuse me sir can you take me to the Christmas tree section?

Manager: Hold on. (Gets an employee to take him.) Hatchets are 50 Gils, you REALLY should buy them.

Cloud: No thanks. My sword is 50,000 times sharper than those rusty pieces of crap.

Employee: (Chattering) Follow me. (Cloud follows Employee through the giant maze of trees, they finally arrive at the Christmas tree section.)

Employee: I’ll wait here. Find a tree, cut it down, and bring it back to me.

Cloud: (Turns around, but sees nothing but stumps.) What’s with this? How many people come here?

Employee: Actually not too many. What you see here is the devastating results of a rabid Chocobo stampede. The first ones knock them down and the followers eat them.

Oh, but look, there’s one. (Points to a small tree with only one branch that is covered in ice.)

Cloud: (Walks over and raises his sword.)

Employee: Sir that just won’t work. You need a-

CRACK!!! (Cloud’s sword strikes the tree, but the sword explodes into a billion pieces and the one remaining branch falls off.)

Employee: As I said, you need a magical hatchet.

Cloud: What’s the point? I’m out here freezing. I’m not going to walk back, get the hatchet, and come back here. I’d probably get lost anyway. And the last tree has lost its last branch. Someone should have told me I needed a magical hatchet! (He pulls a bugger icicle off his nose and stabs he employee with it. Blood gets all over the immaculate snow.)

(Cloud leaves, goes to get a new sword, and then get the presents. He then returns to the cabin.)

Tifa’s adventure!

Setting: Tifa takes Yuffie’ advice and rounds up some old materia from the cabin. Then she leaves the cabin to get the ornaments. She goes to Santa’s World and goes to the ornament section.

Tifa: (Looking at showcase.) Oh my, these are so pretty.

Employee: (Dressed up as a Chocobo elf, they all are.) Oh, excuse me, but we’re sold out of the good stuff.

Tifa: What do you mean by good stuff?

Employee: Follow me. (Leads Tifa to a display tree in the back room, the tree is covered in broken shards of every material that is used to make ornaments, hanging from dental floss.)

Tifa: THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE!?!?!

Employee: Yes. ‘Fraid so.

Tifa: Well, I could heal them with my materia, so how much?

Employee: Only 65,000 Gil an ornament, but since there are no true ornaments its 65,000 Gil a piece.

Tifa: WHAT???? Are you just kidding around with me?

Employee: No, I’m not. Do you want it or not? We also have a sale. For every 50 ornaments you buy you get a "Santa" summon materia. And if you buy 100 you get the "Elf" summon and if you get 500 you get the "Reindeer" summon and on and on…..

Tifa: No thanks. (She punches the employee who falls over on the tree damaging the ornaments further.)

Employee: (shrieking and gasping at the same time.) S-Se Security (Mini elves with guns ambush her but Tifa easily overcomes them in battle. She then leaves the store and goes to Ornaments-r-us.)

Employee: (Standing at door.) Hello, may I help you?

Tifa: Certainly. Do you have any non damaged, inexpensive ornaments?

Employee: Yes we do, do you want to see them. We’re not even near sold out. (Leads Tifa to section)

Tifa: (Looks around, but sees only household items like pencils, rope, books and nails tied to string and hanging off the display trees.) These are horrible.

Employee: Of course they are. They are only one Gil. The others are 40,000 Gil a piece. Those are the nice ones. But they are sold out. But at least these have a good selection.

Tifa: I feel limits coming on. (She uses all of her limits on the employee and severely hurts him. She then takes a rope ornament off one of the trees, ties a noose, and hangs him. She then robs the store of all the good ornaments as she fights off Security and the Shinra. After that she buys the presents and then goes home to "enjoy herself" with Cloud. (OOO yeah….)

Cid’s Adventure!

Setting: Cid goes to the Christmas Colors store to buy crepe paper and table clothes ect.

Employee: May I help you.

Cid: (Removes his cigarette from his mouth, and puffs the smoke in the employees face.)

Yes. I am hosting a party for Christmas and I need decorations for all the events

Employee: (Squinting and wheezing a bit) Am I invited?

Cid: No.

Employee: Ok right this way. (She leads him to the decorations section. Everything is in stock and has the right design but it is all colored black and brown…..Every color except for red and green.)

Cid: What type of selection is this?

Employee: A great one for X-mas.

Cid: Yeah, maybe on planet employee, but wake up.

Employee: It’s good, isn’t it?

Cid: What types of drugs are you on? Where’s the red and green.

Employee: Didn’t you read the newspaper? The official colors of the Christmas season are yellow and flamingo pink. Nobody wants red and green anymore

Cid: Well I do. I would like to have a traditional X-mas.

Employee: We got rid of red and green. It’s like so yesterday. So what will it be?

Cid: Traditional colors or a painful death.

Employees: (Laughing) Try Santa World. We gave all the traditional colors to them

Cid: Whatever. (He leaves the store, throwing his cigarette butte in the decorations aisle as he leaves. He goes to Santa World. )

Beaten up Employee: Hello. What do you need?

Cid: RED and GREEN decorations.

Employee: Follow me (sigh) (Leads him to section. Cid looks around but only sees ripped up and stained decorations.)

Cid: Whats with this?

Employee: It’s called recycling. You’re lucky we even have this old outdated color collection.

Cid: If they’re stained they don’t apply to red and green. Well I’m gonna have to take them.

Another employee: Hey look, we have some new red and green products.

Cid: Yippe! (He rushes over o the salesman) How much?

Employee: 75,000 Gil a decoration. Did that employee over there show you the reused stuff?

Cid: Yes.

Employee: Well he’s gettin’ fired. (Employee makes a call to the manager over his walkie, and while that was happening Cid steals the entire stock and leaves to get presents for the gang.)

Vincent’s Adventure!

Setting: Vincent goes to Christmas Catering to order food.

Vincent: (Rings service bell on deli counter.) Is anyone here?

Employee: (Comes from another room) Yes, I am.

Vince: Hello. I’m hosting a party and I am in dire need of good food.

Employee: Well lets see, we have food, but be warned, its not that…

Vince: Great. I’m in a rush so can you show me.

Employee: Sure (He pulls out an order menu, and Vince looks it over.)

Vince: Anchovies, glue, shit , mayonnaise, broccoli, liver, cow intestines, whale gal bladder, wild dog, frog legs, butter….the list goes on (Just put in whatever you hate.)

Employee: Satisfied?

Vince: Certainly not. What happened to chicken, turkey, and corn,…..(put in what ever you like.)

Employee: Well, we wanted exotic foods. Look at the other customers, they’re satisfied.

Vincent: Oh really? (Looks over and sees people throwing up, some are rushing for the bathroom. There is a long line and other are going for the garbage cans. There is barf all over the floors, walls, tables and people.)

Employee: Yes, see?

Vince: I sure do, and I don’t want to see.

Employee: Now are you ready to order?

Vince: Excuse me?

Employee: Are you ready to order your food?

Vince: That’s absurd, why would I feed my High-classed guests poop and lard and all this other CRAP on your menu? Do I want my party to turn into this hell? (Turns and points at all the unsatisfied customers. He then pulls out his gun and aims it at the employee.)

Employee: N-N-N-Noo No No, Not at all sir.

Vince: Good, but for now I’ll feed them your blood and guts. (He shoots the employee, and then sucks up the blood. He walks out of the store watching not to get in the path of the barf, or step in it. He then goes to the Holly Jolly Christmas food Market.)

Employee: Hello. You’re lucky you came right now because we’re all sold out!!

Vince: Ha! I’m overjoyed, really.

Employee: You should be. Now what can I help you with?

Vince: Well, I need food for a Christmas party. You know, the traditional stuff.

Anything that would be appropriate for a Christmas feast, anything to please the guests.

Employee: Oh, yes. I’m afraid all the higher class guests have brought the good food, but I’ll show you what we have.

Vince: Great. (He follows the Employee to a section of the store. There is all the food he wants but he notices that it is too expensive.)

Employee: I hope you are pleased with our selection.

Vince: Why is it so expensive?

Employee: Because it is made of a new super tasting super light super everything food alloy. It does not render the taste. Would you like a sample?

Vince: Umm. Yes, I guess so. (The employee hands him one of the turkey samplers. Vince notices it is super light, but when he bites into it he notices that the taste is rendered.

Employee: Good or Bad?

Vince: Hideous! I want real food, not this space age crap. Give this to Cid for his space travels.

Employee: Actually its made for underwater travels.

Vince: I don’t care what its use is its new use is killing you. (Vince takes the whole turkey and smashes it over her head but it flakes into ashes.)

Employee: Unfortunately you can’t.

Vince: How are you supposed to eat this if it flakes apart?

Employee: Have a steady hand. If you get it in the mouth you’ll have a melt in the mouth experience.

Vince: Well not all people have steady hand. And I don’t want a melt-in-the-mouth sensation. Neither do my guests.(He turns around to see a large crowd following a cart with real food on it.)

Employee: So do you want to buy it or not?

Vince: Let me check this other food out first, and then I’ll make the decision.

Employee: Ok I’ll wait here.

Vince: (He follows the cart while pushing through the crowd. He finally makes his way to the stock person.)

Stockperson: Are you here for the food?

Vince: Yes, now give it to me.

Stockperson: Get in line buddy!

Vince: Get in line for heck! (He draws a gun under his cape and shoots at the employee, who falls dead.)

Crowd: AHH, run for your life.

Employee: (Had followed Vincent, and does not seem scared at all.) That food is 56,000 Gil a pound.

Vince: Lower your prices and lower your chance of getting stormed by that wild bunch of Crazy Shoppers. (He leaves with the food.)

Crazy Shoppers: Now that he has all the food, let’s get that guy!!!(Points at employee) Maybe he has food!

Employee: No, No, No, NO the store is closed. Leave. It’s not working! AHHHHH. (He runs and the crowd follows. There is a huge dog pile in Aisle 5! Vince goes to get the presents, and then goes home.)

Yuffie’s Adventure!

Setting: Yuffie goes to Liquid World to get some drinks for the party. She walks in and looks around. A salesperson comes up to her.

Employee: Hello. Welcome to Liquid World, The drink specialist. How may I help you?

Yuffie: I’m lookin’ for some drinks for a party. Perhaps some materia, too.

Employee: Well, you came to the right place for the drinks.

Yuffie: What about the materia?

Employee: (Ignored her) Here’s our selection.

Yuffie: Thanks. (She looks at the menu. There are all the right drinks.)

Employee: Ready?

Yuffie: For what? A Materia give away?

Employee: No, Silly. TO ORDER???

Yuffie: Oh Yeah. I’ll take 2 orange sodas, 2 grapes, 2 birch-beers, 2 root-beers, 2 mountain dews, 2 sprites, 2 Cokes, 2 Pepsis, 2 diet Cokes….Why am I wasting my time? 2 of everything please in the large, except for the materia. I want 2,222,222,222,222 of everything you have.

Employee: Get it in your head, WE DON’T SELL MATERIA.

Yuffie: (Disgruntled) Well you do now. (She reaches into the employee’s pocket and steals a MASTERED KOTR material. She then replaces it with 1 Gil.)

Employee: That’s a fair sale. I’ll be right back. Each large is 75 Gil, so add up the price. I’ll leave you with the menu to help.

Yuffie: Just get it already!!

Employee: OK (He walks off.)

Yuffie: (figures out price, it is 33,675 Gil.)

Employee: Here you are. (Hands her a small paper bag)

Yuffie: Why’d it take you so long?

Employee: It takes time to get the wee little things out of the cooler.

Yuffie: And why is it so small? Is this 2 of everything?

Employee: Yes.

Yuffie: Is it large?

Employee: Yes.

Yuffie: Are you screwed up?

Employee: No. This is your order. 2 larges of everything in the store.

Yuffie: Impossible!!

Employee: No. Is there a problem?

Yuffie: (Looks in bag and gasps in horror.) OF COURSE THERE IS!!! YOUR LARGES ARE SMALLER THAN ATOMS!! How are my guests going to pour there drinks???

Employee: Easy. Get some tweezers, open it up and get mini cups to pour it in.

Yuffie: I DON’T THINK SO! IT WOULD TAKE A MILLION OF THESE JUST TO PARTIALLY QUENCH MY THIRST!!

Employee: You really need a breath mint. And stop yelling!

Yuffie: Can it idiot, I’m not buying billions of these!! It would take a whole day just to pour a drink. And you’d need to do it under a microscope!! It’s not worth the money.

Employee: You already ordered and it took me a long time to get them!!

Yuffie: This is bullcrap! This is a complete rip off! Now take your molecular sized drinks and turn them into life sized SANITY PILLS!

Employee: Why would I do a stupid thing like that??

Yuffie: So you can finally have medicine that will taste good. I’d rather you get high on sanity pills than that crack your smokin’!! Believe me, in your case its not stupid. (Yuffie leaves and goes to the local bottling company. An employee greets her.)

Employee: Hello. What types of drinks are you looking for? Alcoholics, Soda, exotic cultures, or fine alcoholics?

Yuffie: All of them.

Employee: Well, take a cart and get what you need, then pay over there. (He points to a check-out booth. He then points to each of the sections.)

Yuffie: Thanks. (She looks around, and gets everything she needs. She notices everything is almost fully in stock, and that everyone’s cart has almost nothing in it. She then goes to the check out booth but she has to wait in a long line. She waits in the line for 6 hours and comes up to the cashier)

Cashier: I’m sorry, but the limit on every item is one. And each one costs 45,000 Gil.

You’ll have to go put them back and-

Yuffie: Are you kidding me? What type of restriction is that?

Cashier: It is to insure that we never have to buy any soda since it is so expensive.

Yuffie: This IS A BOTTLING COMPANY!! ALL THE DRINKS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MADE HERE!

Cashier: Ingredients are more expensive to make the drinks. And the more you buy the longer the checkout time and a longer line. Now you are holding up the line for customers that are following the rules.

Yuffie: Firstly, I was not told about the rule. Secondly, I’m not going to put them back and wait in line again. And if each one costs 45,000 Gils you SHOULD have enough money to buy ingredients. What’s more the line is long because people have to buy them one at a time.

Cashier: Listen Girly I don’t have time for your philosophies and ideas, and neither do the people who are behind you in line. Now it’s that or no sale. Which is it gonna’ be?

Yuffie: Let me tell you something you fat, ugly, sick minded cashier who doesn’t WANT to make more money and save time. I am giving you 100 Gil and that better be good enough for you.

(She reaches in the booth, puts the money in the cash-drawer, and takes material orbs out of the cashiers pocket, then leaves the store. She buys the presents and goes back to the cabin.)

Barret’s Adventure!

Setting: Barret goes to Santa World and goes to the updated Green and Red section. There is an employee there (They’re everywhere, aren’t they?)

Employee: Hello. What products are you looking for?

Barret: Napkins, paper plates, plastic silverware and plastic cups.

Employee: Ok, They’re in aisle 3, the next one over.

Barret: Thanks. (Walks over to the aisle, with employee following. He sees the plates, but they seem to be made of glass) Are these glass?

Employee: No, Extremely rare and intensely expensive futuristic reusable paper plates.

Barret: Did I mention DISPOSABLE!!!

Employee: No, but who would want that crap. Its cheap and crappy. These are leak proof and resistant to….

Barret: Listen here foo’ I want regular paper plates, not this junk. They’re just as good and (Pause. He looks at price tag.) 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,090 Gil less than this junk you sell. And this crap you sell is not resistant to bullets. (He shoots the plates and punctures them easily)

Employee: Wow, big fella’ don’t take it out on those they are expensive.

Barret: Oh, right, I forgot. You’re not!! (He shoots the employee who falls dead. Blood goes everywhere, even on Barret. Barret leaves and goes to Eat-R-Us. An employee greets him.

Employee: Welcome. We have all the items to make your Christmas feast and all the meals to follow a whole lot better. Unfortunately, we don’t carry items for grotesque appearance.

Barret: Really?

Employee: Yes. What do you need?

Barret: Napkins, plastic cups, plates, and silverware. In Red and Green

Employee: (Looking at the bloody body.) I can see why you need the napkins. Now follow me. (He leads him to the section. Barret looks around, but sees no Red and Green.)

Barret: What happened to Red and Green!

Employee: I told another person that-

Barret: WHERE?

Employee: Santa World. They’re the only store with it.

Barret: I already was there. I guess I’m stuck. (He takes the Yellow and Flamingo pink and pays for it. He leaves to go get Green and Red spray paint, then the gifts. He then goes home.

Cait Sith’s story!

Setting: Cait goes to X-mas Xtraveganza to get CDs. He is greeted by an employee (Are you bored with the word "employee" yet. Ok so maybe DJ is better for this story. He is greeted by a DJ.

DJ: Yo, Yo Wassup Moghog?

Cait: I’m a cat, not a hog.

DJ: Whateva’ Moghog. Watchya’ need?

Cait: Christmas CD’s, a live band, and a trained DJ

DJ: Goctchya Moghog. Be right back.

Cait: Ok

DJ: (returns after 5 minutes, and gives Cait a DJ form and a band form.) Here you go Moghog.

Cait: Cucumber The 1 year old solo ukulele player from Siberia?? He’s the only one left. And his reviews are in the negatives. DJ YipYap?? Who-

DJ: That’s me. My reviews happen to be in the positives.

Cait: What kind of name is Cucumber?? What type of idiot would play solo on a ukulele? (To himself: there is no way in heck I will have this Yip Yap person!) So, DJ Yip Yap, what type of music do you play??

DJ: Anything you give me. Follow me for the selection of CDs.

Cait: (Follows the DJ. When he gets there he looks at the selection. But they are not CD’s, they are records.) These aren’t CDs.

DJ: Yes they are.

Cait: They are records.

DJ: Are you stupid, Moghog? They are LARGE CDs.

Cait: They aren’t even Christmas records.

DJ: We’re all out, except those (points to a group of records named "X-mass Rap" done by DJ Yip Yap.)

Cait: You reviews have just dropped to the negatives.

DJ: WHAT?? Those are my topsellers!

Cait: Can I have a sample?

DJ: Yes. (Gives him a pair of headphones.)

CS: I’m ready (He listens, the sound quality is VERY BAD and its all crackly)

DJ: Like it?

Cait: No. I don’t even have a record player.

DJ: You stupid Moghog? It’s a CD!!

Cait: Either way I still don’t want it.

DJ: So do you want Cucumber?

Cait: No.

DJ: Me?

Cait: No

DJ: the CDs

Cait: I just told you that. NOOO!! (He leaves and goes to Santa World. An employee (NOOO not again!) greets him.

Employee: Hello. What can I do you with?

Cait: Christmas CDs, a band, and a DJ who doesn’t have Moghog in his or her vocabulary.

Employee: AHH (He is pushed aside by a band who overheard the conversation.)

Band: Hi, we’re the Reindeers and we’d like to perform X-mas music for you.

Cait: Ok, how much a performance?

Band: 300 Gil.

Cait: What do you play?

Reindeers: Traditional Christmas music.

Cait: Ok, it’s a deal. (Cait lets them in on all the details about the party, and they leave)

Employee: (Gets up) Ok, now you need a DJ for the CDs, right?

Cait: Yes.

Employee: (Pulls a list out of his pocket.) Here’s the list of all the available DJs. Take time to look it over.

Cait: Thank you (He looks it over and finds the only available one) He’s 7,000 Gil an hour!!

Employee: That’s the only reason he’s the last one there.

Cait: OK, I guess I’m stuck. (He signs the forms and makes the arrangements.)

Employee: Now, the CD’s.

Cait: Oh, Yeah, I forgot. Let’s see them.

Employee: Ok (leads Cait to section, Cait looks around. They are CDs, but there is no traditional music, just Rap and hard rock versions of Christmas music.)

Cait: What is this?

Employee: What you wanted!

Cait: No, No, No. I wanted traditional versions of the holiday music.

Employee: Today, no one wants that. Our majority of customers are teens and they seemed satisfied with this…

Cait: Well I’m not a teen. I’m the minority. But again, I’m stuck. (He buys the CDs and leaves.)

Red 13’s adventure!

Setting: Red 13 goes to hire a fake Santa to please the kids at the party, at Santa world. He is greeted by an &#$*!@%#.

Employee: Hello. What can I help you with?

Red 13: I need an actor who can dress up as Santa for my party.

Employee: Oh, well yes, here’s the list of available actors.

Red 13: (Looks it over) The only one left is PALMER!!!

Employee: He’s perfect. He’s fat and has white hair.

Red 13: NO HE’S NOT. My friends ventured out in this storm to but thousands of Gils worth of food and he’d just eat it all.

Employee: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

Red 13: Hey listen this party is going to be in a cabin and I don’t feel like removing the roof just to get him in.

Employee: Well if he farts he’ll keep you warm.

Red 13: We’d all be die of the radiation fallout before the fire.

Employee: Buy gas masks, radiation suits, and a fire proof suit.

Red 13: OK, OK, I’ll take it. (He signs the registration forms and leaves. He goes to the hardware store to buy sticky glue, duck tape, chain, and cable, and a steel, titanium concrete reinforced chair for Palmer. Then he gets the presents and goes home.)

At home after all the shopping!

Setting:

Cloud is in the bedroom with Tifa with the door locked.

Tifa is with Cloud.

Cid is on the couch smoking a cigarette.

Vince is next to him sorting out his blood collection.

Yuffie has gone crazy and is searching the house for material

Barret is on the phone with Marlene

Red is setting up for the party.

Aeris is not home.

Cait Sith is setting up for the party.

Sephiroth is here acting friendly although he wants to kill everyone.

Cid: Hey Vince who’s blood is this?

Vince: (Magically senses it) Yours.

Cid: You never took blood from me. And if you did I’ll put you in that fire. By the way, Red, when Aeris gets home tell her that spiced Rufus is great.

Red 13

Vince: I took your blood from you while you were asleep. With Aeris.

Cid: Where are the marks?

Vince: There are none.

Cid: Then I don’t care about it. Forget I mentioned it. And don’t say anything about the Aeris incident.

Yuffie: Hey Cid, can I go in your materia vault to search for materia?

Cid: No. The only reason I brought the safe was because of you. And it wouldn’t be much of a search, now would it?

Yuffie: Vince, can I?

Vince: (Throws a materia orb at her, which hits her eye, bruises her and knocks her out) When you wake up I’ll think about it.

Cait Sith: Can I have some help over here?

Vince + Cid: No.

Red 13: Where did Aeris go anyway?

(Aeris opens the door but it snaps off the hinges and falls on her toe, which shatters apart. She keeps on walking, pulling a chocobo by a rope tied around its neck. She stops to talk.)

Aeris: Do you see what the Shinra tried to do to him. They tried to hang him. Luckily I didn’t let them.

Cid: You let yourself hang him.

Aeris: Shut up. He wouldn’t let me ride him!

Cid: Probably because of the legs! I wouldn’t let you ride me if I had those legs!

Aeris: I wouldn’t ride you anyway.

Vince: Speaking about the legs, nice duct tape repairs. (Points to the legs that are attached on with duct tape.)

Aeris: Thanks. (She keeps pulling but the chocobo is too big for the doorway. She keeps pulling and the chocobo’s sides just break off. The rope also snaps. The head falls off and shatters all over the ground.) Oops.

Cloud: (Ran from bedroom in underwear.) MY GOLD CHOCOBO!!! WHAT DID YOU DO. WHERES HIS HEAD??

Cid: All over the place.

Vince: His wings fell off, too.

Cloud: Where’s the door? I don’t feel like repairing it again! (He throws a life materia at the chocobo and it materializes into one piece. The chocobo runs over to Yuffie, beats her, and then runs to the stables.

Sephy: You sound like you want to kill Aeris. I’ll do it for you.

Cloud: No thanks. (He picks up Aeris over his head, and throws her at the ground. She explodes into a million pieces. Sephiroth charges at Cloud in an attempt to stab Aeris, but it’s too late. He stops. Cloud leaves to go to the bedroom. Barret gets off the phone and comes rushing in. Yuffie wakes up. Barret throws a life materia at Aeris. )

Yuffie: (Revived from Chocobo beating) MATERIA!!! (She jumps up to interfere with it, but misses. It hits Aeris and she wakes up in one piece.) Awhhh. Why didn’t you throw it at me? I was passed out, too.

Cid: I’ll fix the door. (Starts the repairs)

Vince: Sephiroth tried to kill you. But Cloud did.

Aeris: I forgive Cloud. Now everyone get Sephy! (They all engage in battle with all there ultimate weapons and limits against Sephy! Ouch!)

Cloud: (comes downstairs later fully dressed with Tifa. Both look at the comforting fire. Sephiroth’s body is now roasting over the fire.) Oh, wow. Looks like you guys had fun.

Yuffie: YEAHHHHHHH!!!! I got all Sephiroth’s materia! Even Supernova! Everything he had!

Tifa: Good now just don’t kill any of us or yourself with it!

Aeris: Don’t kill a Chocobo either; you’ve already caused them enough pain.

Yuffie: (Ignored her) I’ll kill that stupid Chocobo who almost imprisoned me instead.

Aeris: NO!!

Cloud: How about this DON’T KILL ANYTHING WITH IT!!

Cid: Cloud, you can have his sword. (Hands cloud the Musamune)

Cloud: Oh wow, you can hold onto it for now. I’m gonna’ go make some dinner. Now Cid, don’t kill Tifa with the Musamune!

Tifa: I’ll help, so I can be away from Cid and protected by Cloud!

Cid: I’ll protect you! Come here baby! (Raises sword.)

Tifa: Ughh. No thanks!! (She walks into kitchen with Cloud.)

Red 13: While they’re making dinner, lets all wrap our presents.

(They all go and wrap the presents.)

Cloud: dinner!!

(Everybody comes down to eat, and places their gifts under where the tree would be on the way.

Cloud: (At the table with everyone except Yuffie.) President Shinra Steak!

Cait: We’ve had that for 5 months in a row now.

Tifa: It’s not our fault he was fat.

Cait: We’ll be having his descendant Rufus tomorrow.

Vince: Where’s Yuffie?

Cid: She’s shaking all the presents to find out if there’s materia in them! And she’s testing the old ones that we were going to be used for decorations.

Cloud: Did anyone get me anything?

Red 13: I did.

Cid: So did I.

Cait: I kinda’ did, too.

Aeris: I did.

Vince: Well, I couldn’t help it, so I did.

Tifa: I got you the biggest present.

Red 13: Did anyone get Aeris anything?

Aeris: But I didn’t ask…

All: But we did.

Aeris: Ohhhh, well, ok. A present once in a while is good.

Vince: (Gets up from his chair) I’m going to throw all the dead employees on the fire, then I’m goin’ to bed.

Red 13: Anyone else want to help me with putting up the decorations.

Cait: I will.

Barret: Anyone want to help me spray paint the eateries?

Aeris: I will.

Tifa: Hey Cid, here’s an opportunity to get high on spray paint.

Cid: Funny, Tifa. Why don’t you use the Red stuff as lipstick for your date with Reno!

Cloud: (In horror) TIFA!!!!

Tifa: I never went out….

Cid: I have pictures!

Cloud: AHHHHH!!! What’s going on here?

Tifa: Don’t believe him.

Cid: She’s lying to you, she went out with Reno I saw her.

Aeris: I need to go take care of the Chocobos.

Barret: Aren’t you helpin’ me.

Cid: Aeris, you saw too, right?

Aeris: Ye-

Tifa: (pounces on top her and tackles her to the ground. Tifa’s face lands right on top of Aeris’s in an attempt to shush her.)

Cid: See, Tifa’s GAY!!!

Cloud: EVERYONE!! Stop! What were you doing with Aeris?

Cid: Nothing.

Tifa: (Gets off Aeris, who gets up and runs out of the room) Yeah right. It was a date or a spy setup. And also why do you share a bedroom-uh um-BED!!!

Cid: I don’t. And it wasn’t a date. We just-just-just-were together coincidentally.

Vince: What about the time I saw you two sleeping together. As I recall it was the same night.

Aeris + Cid: VINCE!!

Barret: I’m leavin’.

Red 13: so am I.

Vince: (Fires his gun in the air) EVERYONE SHUTUP!!!

Cait: Leave me out of this.

Yuffie: (Runs in the kitchen with Aeris behind her.) What the hells goin’ on in here? (She has a destruct materia and supernova summon ready) Shut up or I’ll kill you all.

Cloud: (Not worried) Nothing. Everyone just get out of here. Go somewhere else.

Tifa: I still think Cid’s gay. (She walks up and pulls his goggles off his head, and throws them on the ground.) There you go pilot boy.

Cid: No fair. This is not fair (Raises the Musamune)

Cloud: (Now worried for all of their lives) (Walks over and punches Cid and Tifa, knocking them out) Ok, lets prepare for the party. They all go into the party room and set up all the stuff. They gradually go to bed and gradually wake up. During the night Cloud gets an artificial tree from the basement. He sets it up and decorates it.

Christmas Day-Morning.

Setting:

Cloud: Just awoke: in bathroom gelling hair.

Tifa: Passed out near Cid in kitchen

Cid: Passed out near Tifa in kitchen.

Aeris: Sleeping.

Vince: Sitting on couch, messing with gun.

Red 13: Sleeping near fire.

Cait: Preparing breakfast.

Yuffie: Standing near tree eagerly waiting to open presents.

Barret: Sleeping.

Yuffie: Can I wake everybody up? To open presents?

Vince: No.

Yuffie: Why?

Vince: Just shut up. What do you need materia for at 5 am?

Yuffie: MATERIA!!!

Vince: SHHHHH be quiet!

Yuffie: But-

Vince: you won’t get any if you don’t shut up!

Yuffie: I guess I’m stuck.

Cait: Wake everybody up for breakfast! Now

Yuffie: PRESENTS! MATERIA!

Cloud: (Walking down the stairs, still ¾ asleep.) wha??

Vincent: ( His gun accidentally backfires at Clouds hair, the bullet ricochets of the excessive mass of hair gel and hits Yuffie. Cloud doesn’t notice, and it doesn’t make a noise because it is silenced.)

Yuffie: AHH UHH!!

Vince: (Throws a restore materia at her) Oops. Sorry bout’ that.

Yuffie: OK OK I won’t be loud.

(Everyone wakes up and eats breakfast. Yuffie eats fast and then goes to the tree. Loud revives Tifa and Cid and they all go to the tree.)

Yuffie: CAN I GO FIRST??

Red 13: Ok. Let’s pick.

Yuffie: OOOH OOOOH ME!!!

Cait: Save us all from a headache. Just please choose Yuffie!

Red 13: Go ahead Yuffie!

Yuffie: Ok (opens a them all, they are all materia.)

Red 13: Who’s next?

Yuffie: Be right back!

Barret: Stay around.

Yuffie: I got to go lock them up!

Vince: I’ll go next! (He opens them, finds all vamp fangs except for one)

Tifa: OPEN IT!

Vince: I have a bad feeling about it. But, ok. (He opens it, it is a chain of Garlic)

Vince: AHHHHHH (He runs right through the wall.

Red 13: Who gave him that?

Barret: I’ll open mine. (He opens all of them, all 100 caliber ammo.)

Cait: My turn (Opens all of them, all new fortune balls.) Thanks guys. Now I can tell everybody’s fortune on their own ball.

Tifa: Ok, are you watching Cloud?

Cloud: (Snoring, wakes up) wha?? Yeah what ever. (Goes back to sleep, starts snoring)

Aeris: (Slaps him)

Cloud: WHAT???

Tifa: just watch! (opens them all, they are all VS bras, except for one) This must be Cid’s.

Cid: (Evilly laughing) open it!! Open It! HAhahahahahaha…..

Tifa: I refu-

Cloud: Just open it for me.

Tifa: OOOOOK (opens it, it is Boob size reducer. She reads package) Reduce your boob and bra size 100 sizes. No more need to waste the money on larger sizes. Just apply it and rub it in. Then sleep for an hour. Now, you are ready for a NEW AND IMPROVED shopping spree! If they grow back, just apply more!! NOTE: only works on women’s boobs. (She stops reading the package.) Cid, I can’t believe you. You @&$hole.

Cid: Put it on!

Tifa: (Starts crying. Cloud comes over to comfort her.)

Cloud: Look at what you did (Hugs Tifa)

Tifa: It’s true. They’re too big.

Cloud: But I love them-lets go to another room, ok? (They leave and go to the bedroom)

Aeris: Cid!! How horrible! Now open yours! I bet she cared enough about you!

Cid: Here I go! (Opens them. They are various tools and gadgets for flying)

Cid: I didn’t get a spear sharpener.

Red 13: Here, you forgot to open this one. (Hands it to him.)

Cid: Oops (He opens it, it is the most high tech most expensive sharpener on the market) Its-Its-Its-Uhhhhh-Who gave this to me??(He is overwhelmed with happiness.)

All: We don’t know.

Cait: Open the card.

Cid: Good idea (Opens the card, sees it is from Tifa.) It’s from Tifa! (Now sad.) I need to tell her I’m sorry.(Leaves to go tell her.)

Red 13: I guess I’ll go next. (He opens the gifts, there all exotic feathers) Why thanks. (He clips them on) These are great. I’ll show Bugenhagen Tomorrow. (Funny thing, all the dead villains and heroes are alive, aren’t they?)

(Vince walks back in and Yuffie comes downstairs)

Cait: You guys came just in time for Cloud’s turn!

Barret: YO CLOUD!!

Cloud: (Comes with Tifa and Cid, who is saying sorry to Tifa.)

Barret: It’s your turn.

Red: You gift is special. All of ours are combined in one box (He points to it.)

Tifa: I’ll get it. (gets the box and brings it to Cloud) Here you go. Open it

Cloud: (Opens it, there are about 900 bottles of hair gel in it)

Yuffie: Since you go through about 5 a day-

Cid: You should have gotten him conditioner, since I hear from Tifa when she rolls over in bed at night that she nearly gets impaled.

Cloud: Thanks, but this GAY looks. I like to use LA looks!

All: (Stupidly) how could we have all brought the same thing??

Cid: It’s simple. The employees at JEL-R-US.

Cloud: Well, it is the thought that counts.

Tifa: Well for 900 bottles you can look like GAY not like LA.

Aeris: Now you said you have a present for me!

Cloud: Oh yeah, we all pitched in, even you!

Aeris: How?

Cloud: Well, lets just say we got some of your gil…

Vince: Just give her the present already.

Yuffie: (Fiddling around in closet, comes out with something wrapped in a blanket. She unwraps it and it turns out to be a baby Gold Chocobo.

Cid: OOOH, fried newborn Chocobos, a family favorite!!

Tifa: CID, SHUTUP!!

Yuffie: (Drops it, it hits head-on on the floor.) oops Aeris I am so sorry!!

Tifa: Now it will grow up stupid and rude like Cid!

Aeris: (Rushes over to help it.) Here you go little baby! What’s his name?

Vince: It doesn’t have a name and it’s not a he or she or it. We don’t know what it is.

Cid: I’ll check. (Peels apart the legs, but he gets to close and the Chocobo pees on him) By the taste of the urine, it tastes like a girl! (He hands it to Cloud.)

Barret: What makes you the expert?

Cid: I used to be a vet. Oh yeah, back in the day. 783 deaths on the operating table, 234 wrong prescriptions, 395 infections, 607 wrong transplants, 5,000,000,000 Gils sued from me.

Cloud: She’s sort of ugly so I’ll give her GAY looks. (He starts putting hair gel all over the Chocobo.)

Aeris: Oh, well I guess she does need to look good for the party!!

Cloud: (Puts Chocobo down and it runs around and pecks Yuffie.) Well, it looks like the little fella’ knows a Chocobo hater when she sees one!

Yuffie: Oh Cloud, you’re so silly sometimes.

Red 13: Party starts in an hour!! Lets get prepared!!

(Party comes and goes.)

There will probably be sequels:

FF7 Christmas Party (The party)

(Untitled) After the party, some time for Tifa and Cid to fight, Yuffie’s obsession, Aeris’s

Chocobo care gone wrong ect…

Revenge of the Living Dead (Dead employees come back)

(Untitled) Cloud and Tifa marriage ect….

Email me at Mrfish76@elvis.com to find out about the progress.