Guilt’s Cost: Part CXII

Evening

As is the routine in all households with new babies, the day for Tifa and Cid passed between feedings, diaper changes, and naps. Cid kept his son in his arms for most of the time, only passing him off to Tifa when he had to go to the bathroom or raid his coat for more gum. They talked very little; Cid just taking comfort in the fact that she was there with him.

When nightfall came Tifa knew that she had to do something for dinner. After searching the kitchen and realizing that supplies for making an acceptable meal were running low she decided to order something for take out. Tifa grabbed the phone book and landed on the couch next to where Cid was offering the child yet another bottle.

"What are you in the mood for?" Tifa asked him, flipping to the restaurant section.

Cid didn’t answer right away. "Hell, I don’t know. I don’t really care."

"Fine then." Tifa scanned the page and her eyes landed on the biggest ad there. "How about the Chicken Palace?"

"Whatever you want." Cid sighed, not taking his eyes off his son. "My wallet is on the kitchen table, take it with you to pay."

"You don’t want to walk there with me?" Tifa asked, getting up and moving to the phone.

"No, me and the kid are perfectly content to stay right here." Truth be told, Cid was so exhausted from the day’s events that he didn’t think he could make the short trip if he wanted too.

"Okay." She picked up the phone and dialed. After several rings someone finally answered and she placed her order.

Cid placed the now emptied bottle onto the coffee table and got up. He walked past Tifa and strode into the nursery to change the baby. He laid his son down carefully on the table and pealed away the blanket that was wrapping him. Afterward he unzipped the sleeper so he could get to the offending diaper.

Tifa hung up the phone and followed Cid. She looked around the corner to spy on him. "Is there anything you need me to do before I go?"

"I don’t think so." Cid huffed as he struggled with the baby wipe dispenser. "You got biscuits, right?"

"Yeah, I ordered some." Tifa smiled to herself, having remembered how much the pilot liked Chicken Palace biscuits. "I didn’t forget. And I got the coleslaw too."

"Good." Cid slid a clean diaper under the wriggling baby. "See you in a few."

"Okay." Tifa gave him a smile before heading out for their dinner.

She picked up Cid’s coat off the table as she left, knowing that she would need the extra warmth out in the cool night air. Fall was coming and she could see her breath billow out before her as she went.

Back at the house, Cid had the baby diapered and dressed again. The infant was again growing sleepy and Cid decided to place him into his crib and then he left the room.

He went back toward the kitchen feeling that it was time for another piece of gum. Cid reached the kitchen table and looked around, discovering that his jacket was no where to be found. "Fucking Tifa must have taken it."

Cid’s nicotine withdrawal was cutting through him like crazy at the moment. The patches he had gotten did nothing for him and only by keeping a constant supply of the gum in his mouth could he ward off the absolute need to smoke. Cid was no way, shape, or form strong enough to just quit without such aids. At once his anxiety over all that he had been through rushed in on him and his hands began to shake.

Without even thinking about it he went to his room and opened the dresser drawer. His cigarettes he had purchased earlier were laying there and he reached down and picked them up. Cid grabbed his lighter from the top of the dresser and went out to sit on the bench just outside the kitchen door.

He set the lighter down next to him and looked at the red and white pack of cigarettes in his right hand. After cursing to himself he pulled the cellophane wrapper from the pack and allowed it to flutter to the ground. Cid tamped the pack a few times against the palm of his left hand and then pulled off one corner of the top. He shook the pack such that one cigarette popped up about two inches from the pack. In a flash he had it pulled out and set the remainder of the pack down on the bench next to him.

With trembling hands Cid put the cigarette to his lips. He brought the lighter up and flicked it causing a small flame to erupt. Cid’s heart was pounding within his chest as he prepared to light up. He wanted this so badly it was making him mad but before the flame touched the tip of the cigarette he dropped the lighter to the ground. Tears again burned in his eyes and he hung his head, allowing the unlit cigarette to fall to the ground before him. A fierce anger welled up within him and he picked up the pack from the bench and hurled it off toward the grass.

"God damned it!" He cursed himself as he covered his face with his hands. "I can’t fucking do this…"

Cid closed his eyes as the tears began to fall and he stomped his lighter into the dust. Every argument that he had ever had with Shera over his smoking habits flooded into his mind. Ever since she had moved in she had hounded him about it and all that had ever done was annoy him. Maybe she did it out of caring but to him it just seemed like some sort of power trip she was on. Like he had always said, Cid Highwind does what he wants and screw everybody else. But when she had gotten pregnant and he had been relegated to smoking outdoors as per Shera’s doctor’s orders Cid had started to break. He didn’t want to spend his time separated from his wife and baby if he wasn’t going to be allowed to smoke around them. Then when he was with Tifa on the trip to Mideel he finally snapped. When Tifa was dragging it out of him about how much he really did love Shera it hit him. That’s what had caused him to run off to the drugstore that next morning and attempt to buy everything under the sun to help him stop.

And yet in a mere matter of moments he had almost thrown all that progress away. Somehow at the last second he had come to feel that by giving in and smoking he was betraying Shera. Maybe she was gone now, but he had made her a promise. Perhaps it wasn’t a promise that he had come out and said to her, but it was something that he had done on her behalf nonetheless. Cid drew in a deep breath and turned his eyes up to the darkening sky. He wouldn’t let her down, whether she was here to know it or not.

Tifa got back to the house and made her way to the kitchen. She set the bags of take out onto the table and saw that the back door to the house was opened. Tifa stepped out and found Cid looking quite distressed still sitting on the bench. "Cid?"

He ran his hands over his face to remove any stray tears before looking at her. "What?"

"Are you okay?" Tifa took a few steps closer to him.

Cid narrowed his eyes, noticing that she was still wearing his coat. "Can I have a piece of gum please?"

Tifa was confused for a second before reaching into the pocket of the jacket and finding the package of gum within. She held it out to him.

Cid grabbed the package away quickly, tearing into it and throwing three pieces at once into his mouth.

She smiled at him, knowing that there was more bothering him at the moment than his need for nicotine. Tifa reached out and placed a hand onto his shoulder. "Cid, you want to go in and eat now?"

He looked up at her kind expression. Again his gratitude that she was here for him during this time welled up. Cid covered her hand with his own and returned her grin. "Yeah, okay."

They went in and dug into the food that Tifa had brought home. Cid managed to pour back four of the beers that he had bought earlier in the day and Tifa had helped herself to one as well.

After dinner they got the baby one more time for a feeding and changing. Once that was done it was late enough for the both of them to be extremely exhausted. They placed the again sleeping infant into its crib and left the nursery.

Cid turned to Tifa just outside the baby’s door. "How long until he wakes us up?"

"If we’re lucky three hours or so. Then he’ll wake up and want to be fed again." Tifa answered.

"Okay, I think I can handle that." Cid stretched and scratched the back of his head.

"How about we take turns tending to him tonight?" Tifa looked back over her shoulder at the sleeping child. "I’ll take the first feeding and the you get the next. That way you can get more sleep."

Cid was inclined to refuse and just take care of the baby completely on his own, but he knew very well that with as tired as he was he would never be able to pull it off. "I’m not gonna argue."

"Good." Tifa dropped her gaze to the floor. "Where do you want me to sleep?"

Cid cocked an eyebrow, surprised that she would even ask that. "We always end up in bed together anyway so why not just save both of us the trouble?"

Tifa stared up at him and broke into a smile. She had been hoping that he would say that. After all the tear filled nights she had spent in his arms, being able to comfort him for once seemed the least she could do. "Okay, I’m going to go change in the bathroom and have a shower first."

"Sure." Cid replied, heading off toward his bedroom. He pulled his shirt off as he walked, not feeling the need to wait. For some reason that he couldn’t explain, Cid felt almost as comfortable around Tifa as he had around Shera.

Twenty minutes later Tifa emerged from the bathroom clad in a nightshirt and she checked on the baby before going back to Cid’s room. He was just sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for her before turning off the light. Cid had stripped down to just his boxers and looked extremely tired and worn. Tifa moved through the room and went to the opposite side of the bed and climbed beneath the covers. The night was turning out to be unusually cold and she shivered a bit as the cold sheets leached precious heat from her skin.

Cid clicked off the lamp next to the bed and laid down as well. He got flat on his back and it wasn’t long before Tifa was nestled into his side. She kissed his cheek sweetly and rested an arm across his chest. He placed a hand onto her arm and closed his eyes.

Tifa stared at his profile in the darkness. "Cid?"

"Yeah?" He replied lazily.

"I think you’re doing great. Shera would be really proud of you, you know that?" Tifa whispered.

He couldn’t respond right away. "Thanks. Uh, I’m really glad you’re here."

"I’m glad I could be here for you. I just never figured that I would be comforting you instead of the other way around." Tifa sighed.

"Yeah, it’s fucked up." Even now Cid was still Cid.

"But I’m happy to do it for you." Tifa nuzzled in a little closer. "I want you to know something."

"What?" He turned to look at her.

"I love you." She smiled. "I always have and I always will."

Cid reciprocated her smile. "Aw, the Hell Tifa. I love you, too."

Tifa closed her eyes with the grin upon her lips. Cid was her best friend in the world and next to Vincent she loved him above all others. If Vincent and her had to move in permanently to see him through this then that is what she would gladly do.