The Library: Episode 16
The Library: Episode 16
The (late... very late) Halloween Special
The bell rang in the Library School for TYs and a stream of pig-tailed, pony-tailed, french-braided, curly-haired Shirley Temple look-a-likes and their tormentors, the Meanies, came streaming out of the classrooms. The staff of the school gave a collective sigh of relief... until they realized that the TYs weren't gone. They simply had no structured schedule for the summer vacation. They were still in the Library. Their moment of relief was replaced by a much longer moment of horror. This much longer moment was broken by the sound of Jareth's voice over the intercom.
"Attention staff members. Please report to the Principal's office for Summer assignments and the boarding schedule for the newly opened Outda System Spaceport Shipping Center."
Hope dawned anew as the staff poured out of their classrooms and down the hall in a less congested but no less energetic flow than their recently freed students had created.
In his office, Jareth was glaring at the Librarian, who had co-opted his seat, behind his desk. She made it look like a throne. She always made anything she sat in look like a throne. The voice of jealousy piped up in Jareth's head, and he decided he really hated the Librarian. As the staff stumbled in through the door of his office, the voice of reason replaced the voice of jealousy, reminding him that, so long as the Librarian, annoying as she may be at times, remained in charge of the Library, he had someone to hide behind when it all got to be too much.
"Alright. Spike, Gabrielle, Xena, Jareth, Eric, you're all going home. Without the school in session, the Library doesn't need a Principal, a Principal's secretary, a school nurse, a Home Ec teacher, or a Shop teacher. Hawkeye, you stay, we always need an in house physician. You're not getting off this easy. Pyla, Reea, you know you're staying. Ethan, no, you may not leave. Giles, you are also staying, the TYs would revolt if I sent their god away. Connor and Ramirez, as the official security staff, you also remain. Jeffrey... well, if he was here, I'd tell him he could go home, but I doubt he'd go anyway. Armand, Lestat, Louis..." She shrugged.
"I don't care what you do. Take it up with Pyla and Reea, see if they'll let you go." Pyla and Reea smiled in a most predatory fashion. The vampiric trio "ulp"ed in perfect unison and got a collective bad feeling about this. The Librarian continued as if nothing had happened. "I'd send the Bates Motel, Kryton, Martian Bob, and the Cafeteria Lady away but..." she looked ruffled, "they never really listened to me anyway." The idea seemed new to her. It probably was. "Danny stays, the twins always need a playmate, the Lounge Lizard stays, I always need entertainment, and I believe that just about covers everyone. Those who are leaving, go pack your bags, the schedule will be posted outside the Cafeteria in half an hour for your departures. Those who are staying, you may pick new accomodations if you feel it necessary from the ones vacated by the former staff. You're all dismissed." When everyone just kind of looked at each other for a minute without moving, she yelled, "SCRAM!" and they all did so. Quickly. An angry Librarian is a dangerous thing.
"Pyla, what are we going to do now? The Librarian sent all our best toys away." Reea, still partially in Shina mode, was whining. Pyla hit her over the head with her own cast iron skillet. Purple swirled and Reea stopped whining. It was a temporary fix, but each time the whining took longer to come back and was less severe when it did.
"Get new ones?" the blonde, skillet weilding, purple sparkly combat booted creature suggested.
"Ooo! Sounds like fun." Reea paused significantly for a moment. "Where?"
"Good question..." Just then, the twins heard the sound of a toilet flushing where no toilet had been before. They knew the broom closet, they were the janitors after all, so how had they managed to over look a flushing toilet? Then, also from the broom closet, came a heavy bass line they recognized well. Usually, it was heard coming from Reea's stereo. They couldn't imagine how such a large piece of expensive equipment had gotten into the broom closet, and who had cued it to play the Best of Ozzy.
On the far side of the Library, a petite blonde turned to her not very petite, darkly colored brother, and informed him that if he ever called her a crack head again, she would pelt him with a raw potato. As the word "Crackhead!" echoed through the Demonology and the Occult section of Non-Fiction, a potato flew. A yelp was heard. The darkly colored brother fleed for his life, dragging one temporarily imobilized leg behind him. He was laughing. Wouldn't you if you had just been pelted by a potato by your younger sibling? Tousai, sitting atop a bookshelf in a pair of ratty jeans and a plain black t-shirt, her aqua eyes back and her glasses nowhere to be seen, snickered evilly. This one would do well.
Danny, as usual, was hiding. This time, however, it wasn't from the Meanies, or from the Librarian who had just discovered his most recent artistic efforts, or Martian Bob, pissed at him for using purple, black, and blue and never once touching green. He was hiding from a very peculiar creature, known simply as Nevik. Nevik was busily taking over the now defunct Greenery. The sign now read "Comics Anonymous," and the display in the front door was full of cardboard stand-up storm troopers. Danny was phobic of storm troopers.
The Librarian sat, staring in puzzlement (something she would never do were anyone else around to see) at her computer screen. Three new arrivals, and she didn't know where they'd come from. What on Ket were Arcan, Nevik, and Ozzy doing in the Library? This wouldn't do. She had to make the best of a bad situation. She settled back on her throne like footstool and got to some serious thinking about what to do with them...
The Exodus continued. Gleeful former Library staff members hopped into their shipping crates, cringed only slightly when the nail guns misfired while trying to attach the tops to said crates. They only shrieked a little bit when they felt the free fall of being dumped into the cargo hold without the use of a crane. The Library, for once, was almost quiet. In a rare moment of mercy, the twins had allowed Lestat and Armand to "sneak" away and join in the Exodus, leaving only Louis, and he'd been given a shack back in the Classics section. He was happily ensconced, reading Giles knows what, when Ozzy Osbourne leapt from the broom closet, toilet paper trailing from one boot, and began wailing the opening of Crazy Train. A local pundit commented that he'd been wondeirng how long it would take for Ozzy to come out of the closet, and was summarily beaten to a pulp. Halfway across the Library, the owner and proprietor of Comics Anonymous's ears pricked up, and, lured by the sound, wandered towards the broom closet and away from the safety of his store. Arcan followed suit, still dragging one potato imobilized leg behind him.
The Librarian watched through her crystal ball (ok, so it was a television set hooked up to every surveilance camera in the Library, but she called it her crystal ball) in abject amazement. They were assembling! This situation was getting completely out of hand, what was she going to do?? And then, inspiration struck. The TYs needed something to do over the summer, to keep them from destroying anything too expensive. What else, but a day camp? Now what activities to offer... Her ponderings on the subject were cut short by the shocking actions of Arcan on the tv screen. While Nevik stood in awe of this most mighty of Rockers, Arcan began to... dance. It was like no dance she had ever seen before. He stumbled one way, slid in the other, all the time moving his head, arms, and shoulders in opposite directions. It was quite a sight. And inspiration struck. Dance classes. Music classes. Pop Literature classes. The TYs were going to get culture. She took another look at the screen, switching it back and forth between Ozzy's impromptu concert and Comics Anonymous. Well... sorta. "Culture" might be too strong a word.
Meanwhile, in a darkened, unsurveilanced area of the Library, a rectangular hole was cut into the very fabric of space. This hole just happened to be exactly the size and shape of your average door, the kind you'd find on the inside of most, middle class, surburban homes. Just like one such home on Earth, in Texas, where a young girl by the name of Shekel lived.
"Shek!!!" Shekel's mother's voice rang out through the house, even through the closed basement door. She'd thought this would be a good place to hide, so that she avoid this sort of thing. No such luck. As she bolted for the door, with the intention of throwing it open and leaping up the basement stairs, the words "What do you want, mom?" on her lips, the world went dark and she felt as if something had just swallowed her whole. And then she landed face first in the thick, plush carpet of the Astronomy section, NonFiction, the Ket Library. There was a blonde woman with floaty hair and an insane giggle standing over her. She had a bad feeling about this.
Pyla grinned down at her newest victim. She didn't know where the portal had come from, or whose idea it had been, but she liked it. The girl at her feet had one of those expressions on her fact that Pyla loved so much. She called it "recognition of the coolness of me." Other people, more down to earth, sane people, would call it fear. Reea zipped up, stopping on a quarter, beside her. She cursed.
"I'll never get the hang of this! I want to stop on a dime, damnit!" Pyla stuffed a bar of soap into her filthy mouthed sister's face and continued grinning evilly. A moment later, the bar of soap flew across the Library. "PTOOI! Heeeyyy.. who's the new girl? Can we keep 'er?"
The Librarian was distressed. She had never imagined a null space door through the continuum would appear in her Library. Not on her watch, anyway. But there it was, and someone had appeared through it. What was she going to do with this one? Well... she was lean... and that tumble through the door had looked suspiciously like a forward roll into a back handspring, it just had ended in a tumble... Another grin crossed her face. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all. After all, what summer camp was complete without some physical activities? Gymnastics was physical, wasn't it?
The next day, three pieces of paper appeared on Jareth's former office door. One was a list of the rooms recently vacated and a marker hung from it for marking through the rooms that were no longer vacant. The former quarters of Spike and Gabrielle were already taken, scribbled out with reckless abandon. It seemed the new residents, or at least, Shekel and Arcan, had definite preferences in home space and weren't going to let these get away. The second was a notice about the opening of a new Summer Camp in the Library and included a request for all new residents to appear in the Librarian's office at 3:48 pm. It included detailed directions on how to get there. The third was a sort of poster, with the words "Have you seen this spatula?" on it, and a request that any and all information pertaining to its whereabouts be reported to Tuxedo Bob in the Cafeteria at earliest convenience. A Meany rolled by on a skateboard, the new favorite sport of the vehicularly challenging aboriginals, and snatched the marker, uncapped it, and pressed its tip to the wall, leaving a long purple line down the peach colored wall of the school.
Meanwhile...
The TYs, their time no longer taken up by meaningless homework assignments which they did solely to appease their god, or by equally meaningless classes which they attended to avoid the wrath of their Cardinal Demon (the Librarian), had returned to their devout worship. The scribes scribbled out long poems, using the rhyme pattern of the Raven as their template, in praise of Giles, the great one. The official tenders of the dead heaped retired Beanies on Giles' desk, heedless of his shouts of protest when an errant Beany interfered with his paperwork. Several construction crews had formed, and were building obelisks out of paper clips in a pattern vaguely reminiscent of Stonehenge. This activity continued until the Cardinal Demon appeared in a swirl of demon dust (glitter), and issued a decree that all who did not attend a new trial of their worthiness (Summer Camp) to worship the one god (Giles) would be turned out to the Abyss of Never-ever (wherever they came from to begin with). When Giles declared that this test was, in fact, required, the TYs lined up to obey the decree. The Meanies lined up behind them, cackling evilly. The Librarian smiled, satisfied that she had her charges under control once more. Four boxes appeared next to her, each with a different color of t-shirts inside. Black for the music classes, blue for gymnastics, red for dance, and white with silk-screened plaid vests for popular literature. Yes, all was going according to plan...
3:57 in the Librarian's office
Arcan, Nevik, and Shekel had all been reasonably easy to deal with. Ozzy was just... Ozzy. The Librarian had found it necessary to herd him away from the bird cages arranged around her office entirely too many times in the course of their 9 minute meeting to ever forget one of the points towards his infamy in certain universes. Nevik had sat quietly throughout the meeting, making useful points here and there but generally keeping to himself. Arcan had been a bit louder, making useless points every few words and generally being a nuisance. He had also found it necessary to dodge the occasional flying potato. Shekel, however, had said nothing. She had simply launched herself at Arcan every few moments. The Masked Potato was caught up in the swarm of potato pelting to such a degree that she had to be duct taped to her chair, and it in turn to the floor, simply to stop the Tato-tackling. When they finally filed out, Shekel having been released from the tape and now plastering herself to Arcan's back, Nevik walking a respectful three paces behind Ozzy, who was still hungrily eyeing the bird cages, the Librarian allowed herself a sigh of relief. There... that was finished. She had counselors for her Camp, campers for her Camp, all was in readiness. And then she realized all was not in readiness. She still had no Director for her Camp. Inspiration struck and she picked up the phone. Camp would start in three days, plenty of time for Walker to arrive.
On the first day of Camp, the entire inhabitants of the entire Library, minus the GDB, the Lounge Lizard, Louis, who was reading, the Cafeteria Lady and Tuxedo Bob, who were trying to kill each other, Ethan, once again imprisoned in his room, and the Mackadelic were in attendance. The TYs and Meanies sat at the center of a semi-circle formed by the security staff, the twins, Hawkeye, Jeffrey, and Danny. At the front of the room, in front of the assembled campers, stood the Librarian, flanked by two doors in the wall. She was dressed in a white version of the camper's t-shirts and her usual business length skirt. A large pair of very dark sunglasses were hung over the collar of her shirt. She cleared her throat for attention.
"Thank you all for coming." Pyla muttered something about not being under the impression that this was an optional situation. The Librarian shot her an evil look. She looked innocently at the ceiling and whistled. Going on despite the interruption, "I would like to introduce the staff at the newly founded Camp Library." The door to her right popped open, revealing a theatrically dark and impenatrable cavity behind it. "First, coming from Earth, 17 years of age, his hobbies include weight lifting, taunting his sister, and battling demons, please welcome your new dance teacher, Arcan!"
Arcan gamely jogged through the door wearing black jeans and his red shirt. The Librarian ignored him and he took his prescheduled place at one end of the semi-circle.
"Next, 25 years old, also from Earth, he runs a comic book store in our very own Library, please welcome Nevik, the new Popular Literature teacher!" Nevik was next through the door, wearing his plaid and white shirt, with an expression of disgust on his face, over a long-sleeved black shirt, one end tucked haphazardly into the waist of his jeans. He took his place opposite Arcan.
"Also from Earth, 16 years old, her hobbies include such varied interests as computers, drawing, and Pern, welcome the Masked Potato, Shekel, your new Gymnastics coach!" Dressed in an electric blue leotard and an oversized version of the blue camp shirt, Shekel did a veritable floor routine as she came through the door, landing neatly in her place beside Nevik. The Librarian, remembering the problem with potatoes and Arcan, had opted to separate them as much as possible. There was a brief spattering of applause in recognition of her feat of gymnastic mad skills, and Reea muttered that she could do better. The fading applause was drowned out by a sudden burst of guitar from the black hole in the wall. Out sprang Ozzy. The Librarian covered her face with her hand. This had happened in rehearsals, too. He never waited to be introduced. Of course, this was Ozzy. He needed no introduction. Eventually, he took his place next to the awed-but-trying-not-to-show-it Arcan. He was wearing black, but not the camp shirt. This too vexed the Librarian, but what was to be done? She was doing her best with what she had.
"And now, last but not least, our final staff member. 21 years old, he calls Earth home, as do all of our staff this Summer. His hobbies defy description, as does he himself. Without further ado, the new Director of Camp Library, Walker!" The door to the Librarian's left popped out and out strolled what, at first sight, appeared to be a rather average sort of man. 5'8", dark blonde hair and blue eyes, he was wearing the shirt Ozzy should have been, a pair of jeans, and the heaviest steel toed boots this side of the Milky Way. He stood next to the Librarian, levelling his gaze on the assembled campers, giving the impression of someone who was not to be messed with. The Librarian, however, was blinking mildly, as she realized that the 10 doors through which the audience had entered each had another Walker standing in it. Ah yes... she'd almost forgotten his tendency to be everywhere at once, especially where he wasn't wanted.
She cleared her throat again. "Walker will have the final word on all decisions pertaining to the Camp. Any disputes you may have... I'm sorry. Take them up with him or don't bother, I won't be listening." She attempted a bright, cheerful, encouraging smile, failing miserably as she did with all new facial expressions. "But don't let that stop you from having a wonderful summer, here at Camp Library!"
A week later, Comics Anonymous had acquired some new decor. Amidst the storm troopers in the window and various manga and comics related posters on the walls were a book shelf of actual books, a chalk board, a dry erase board, a poster to track the progress of the students, and three sets of full shackles for restraining the particularly unruly bunch. Nevik, however, remained much the same. His students had taken to dying their hair black and had added a new book to their holy writings: Preacher.
Arcan had discovered something truly distressing about the shirts at Camp Library. They faded when you washed them. While he now had full use of his formerly potato impaired leg, he also was forced to wear a pink t-shirt every day of the week. He was slowly losing his mind, and the new bits of choreography he spontaneously added in the middle of each class served as proof. Breaking up a jazzier version of the Demon Shuffle with three plies and a tour jete had his students and all the spectators wondering why he'd chosen Tchaikovsky for the sound track when live Ozzy was available.
Shekel, however, had been sensible. In using musical accompaniement for her floor routines, she had made full use of the energetic Ozzfest next door. Her classes averaged fifteen flying leaps a routine, the especially advanced students adding in hand springs and cartwheels to simulate the drum rolls. Which was fine. If only they'd stay off the ceilings...
Ozzy, perfectly oblivious to what he was supposed to wear and teach, spent all of each class simply performing. His students didn't mind, and neither did the rest of the camp. Even Giles didn't mind, and he hated Black Sabbath. The TYs had finally found something better to do than spend every day under foot. He was appreciative of the fellow Brit's contribution to his enduring pseudo-sanity.
The final week of camp arrived, and with it, the all night camp out in GDB territory. The TYs, formerly leaning towards atheism, resumed their worship with renewed vigor, skipping classes to entreat their god to protect them from the Gravest Demon (the Grand Dust Bunny). Giles handed out flashlights and pen knives, and prayed that he wouldn't find any new carvings on his desk as a result. The Meanies entreated Ozzy. Ozzy told them to quit whining and handed out LSD and beer. The Meanies proclaimed him a deity. Ozzy was nonplussed. He'd been a god for years, no sense in being impressed by another group of people's recognition of the fact. Meanwhile, Walker was making his own "preparations." Mir, the honorary torture subject of the Library, had been singled out by an unknown group (the Meanies). On the day of the camp out, she was found bound and gagged at the door to Walker's quarters. Later that day, still bound and gagged, she could have been found inside Walker's quarters.
That same day, the Librarian made the mistake of making a public objection to Ozzy's non-stop music. Ozzy began plans for a Library-wide coup of her power. His new followers, the Meanies, were more than happy to serve as his loyal soldiers in a non-lethal Jihad.
The camp-out began normally enough, for the Library, anyway. Amongst the sounds of Meanies and TYs setting up tents, using books for hammers to pound the spikes into mounds of dust, the posting of a perimeter guard, and setting up of the "kitchen," Walker supervising all, Ozzy set up his home away from supply closet. The black velvet drapes went up. The cast iron candleabra went up. The black candles went up. The flames flickered. The amp whined. Ozzfest resumed.
That evening, around the campfire, the TYs singing such favorites as "Kumbaya" and "Crazytrain," no one seemed to notice when Walker, previously seen in several places, toasting marshmallows and hot dogs, eating a hamburger, or drinking a cup of coffee, disappeared. The sound of a terrified and angry shriek from the direction of his quarters was almost drowned out by the raucous singing. Shekel, on her way to investigate, was waylaid by a group of Meanies, tied up, and tossed into her tent. And then the seige began...
The Librarian first noticed that things had gone drastically wrong when, in the midst of her nocturnal slumbers, she realized that the door to her chambers was no longer on its hinges and she was no longer in her bed. Her next realization was that she was bound to a stake, a pile of wood tied to her feet, and the Meanies were leering up at her, Zippos in hand. And the music of Ozzy Osbourne was all that held them back from re-enacting the Salem witch trials. Unfortunately, the final song of his set was winding down, and the grins on the faces of the Meanies were becoming... frightening.
Mir, taking advantage of a momentary lull in the storm, made a break for the door. At that moment, his mind temporarily (very temporarily) clear, Walker heard the howls of the Librarian. Mir, instantly forgotten by the blonde man, scrambled towards freedom.
The next morning, a cluster of Meanies faced down the combined wrath of He Who Could Be Everywhere and Kick Everyone's Ass at Once and the Librarian. The Twins were going to have a very, very long vacation ahead of them. The Library had a new cleaning staff.