The Library: Episode Three: A New Jedi Menace
In the Library
"Reea! Wake up!" Pyla was bouncing on the foot of Reea's bed, trying to wake her. "Reea! We're having a party tonight, remember? You have to get up and go get your guest!"
"Huh?" Reea squinted at her twin, her eyes still misted with sleep. "Who are you bringing?"
"I have a guest in mind. This is going to be fun!" Before Reea could ask her to be more specific, Pyla had breezed out of the room on her way to pick up her guest. Or rather, guests. Reea sat in bed trying to figure out what was going on here.
"A guest… who would Pyla be bringing?" She smacked herself in the forehead. "Who else? Who does Pyla always bring? Kenobi!"
Reea got up and started to get dressed. Bike shorts, cut-offs, slice and dice T-shirt. What was missing? She glanced quickly around the room. Ah, yes, the boots. Hiking boots were a definite must… As soon as she was dressed, Reea caught the first space-bus to Coruscant. If her twin was brining Kenobi, then the perfect match would have to be her favorite Sith, Darth Maul.
Earth, 1993, a mental institution
"Jeffrey! Calm down!" This was not a good day. So far, the orderly had chased Jeffrey around the main floor three times and cleaned up after Mr. "I'm not really an alien" twice. To top it all off, Jeffrey was still running. No, this was most certainly not a good day.
At that moment, Pyla's Mack truck pulled up in the hallway. This day was only getting worse! The brightly colored and elaborately patterned truck's driver leaped out of the driver's seat, purple sparkly combat boots smacking loudly on the tiled floor. Jeffrey, who was running headlong in whatever direction the orderly was not in, ran into Pyla, who swung him up over one shoulder and tossed him into the back of the truck. Then she drove off, leaving one very out of breath and upset orderly in her dust.
Back in the Library
Reea had just got back from Coruscant with her mildly protesting charge. Maul was not the least bit pleased to find himself, for the third time, under the tender care of Reea. This Library was getting far too familiar. Then Maul spotted the bar. Fully stocked with every liquor in the galaxy, or at least a good number of them, he attacked it, almost not registering the flavor of charcoal and vanilla…
Coruscant, the Jedi Temple Council Chamber
The Jedi Council had assembled yet again to chastise Qui-Gon and his apprentice, Obi-Wan. This time it seemed that Qui-Gon had indulged in some un-Jedi-like behavior, and Obi-Wan had been using a forbidden form of caffeine pill in order to complete his papers.
"Pills the easy path, they are. Strong with the dark side, yes. Young Kenobi, use them you should not." Obi-Wan hung his head, staring at the floor. This was not a scene he enjoyed, but it was one he was familiar with. But if he couldn't use the pills, how was he to finish his papers in time?
Yoda moved on to his next victim. "Qui-Gon, rage your ally is not. At one with the Living Force you must be. No room is there for anger." Qui-Gon opened his mouth as if to object, but snapped it shut seeing Yoda's expression. "Yes, Master Yoda…" The old Jedi tried to find somewhere else to look, and ended up looking at the door, just as a pair of highly unlikely looking maids entered. One was wearing purple sparkly combat boots with her uniform, and the other was… the other was a guy with a potato sack over one shoulder… in a frilly little maid outfit. Sure enough, it was Pyla and Jeffrey, come for their guest.
"No! Not you again! Leave me alone!" Obi-Wan was about to have a fit as soon as he saw Pyla, and Qui-Gon certainly couldn't blame him. Then Pyla did the completely unexpected.
"Master Yoda. So good to see you again. The years have treated you well." She bowed, treating him as any Jedi would his (or her) old Master.
Yoda's eyes bulged. "P-Pyla! Be here you should not!" Pyla just grinned at him and motioned to Jeffrey, who scooped up the diminutive Master and tossed him in the potato sack. Then the unlikely pair exited the Council chamber, the inhabitants of the room too stunned at what they just saw to react.
At the door, Pyla turned and said, "I'll be in touch!" She waved goodbye, and the entire council could see a cell phone in her hand. Then they were gone, and Master Yoda with them.
The Library
"Now Maul, drink your tea." Reea was holding out a cup of steaming tea, and the drugged Maul was trying not to drink it. Reea sighed. Even asleep he was impossible…
In the far corner of the room, Pyla was explaining to Yoda what she had in mind.
"Yoda, this is my new best friend Jeffrey. He's insane, just like my sister and I, if not more so. He's also incredibly cute and looks exactly like Brad Pitt. You're going to train him." Jeffrey nodded, looking as though he had something to add, but the way Pyla looked at him indicated that speaking now would be bad for his health. Yoda was shaking his head and looking absolutely appalled.
"Do what you ask I cannot! Two insane Jedi there are, too many they are. Train another I will not!"
Pyla waved a glass of sleeping potion in front of his nose with a grin on her face. "If you don't, I will, and I'll still have what I want. Oh, and you'll still get something you don't want. I can always drug you, you know." Yoda looked even more appalled, much to Pyla's surprise. She hadn't thought it was possible…
Not even a Master Jedi can hold out forever against Pyla. Eventually, Yoda chose what he thought to be the lesser of two evils: training Jeffrey. After all, Pyla and Reea hadn't done too much damage to the galaxy at large, and Jeffrey was an inmate at a mental institution! How much damage could he do there? So Jeffrey's training began.
"First lesson, Lightsaber dueling will be. At one with the Force you must be, yes, or easily defeated you will be. Er, Jeffrey?" Jeffrey was no longer listening. He had discovered the Librarian's trampoline, usually used for returning books to the highest shelves. He was now bouncing on it, waving his arms in his distinct fashion, middle fingers flying.
"Now this is fun! This is good! This is worthwhile! The monkey will conquer!" With those words, Jeffrey lost control of his bouncing and accidentally launched himself through the air, directly into the still resisting Maul. "Ha! And they call me crazy! This guy is covered in tattoos! Now that's crazy!" Jeffrey's fingers were still flying, as a matter of fact he'd somehow managed to get them caught in Maul's robes, shredding the outer layer of his clothing. Not that it mattered. Maul wore many layers of clothing, and Reea was going to find out just how many before the night was over anyway…
Pyla was running across the Library to check on Jeffrey. Luckily, Jeffrey's head was hard enough that not even an impact with the wall and several bookshelves did any lasting damage, and he was soon back on the trampoline, giving Yoda ulcers.
The green Jedi waddled over to Pyla and tugged on her shirttail. "Teach him I cannot! Learn he will not, listen he will not! To feel the Force, at peace you must be!" Pyla glared at him.
"Teach him or be drugged. Those are your options Master Yoda. I don't mean to be but so disrespectful, but I'm getting tired of your excuses." Yoda looked suitably cowed, and Pyla returned her attention to eavesdropping on her sister and Maul.
"So, Maul, what did you do when your Master was in the senate?"
Maul wriggled uncomfortably in the draft created by the removal of several layers of clothing. Thus far, Reea had removed his outer cloak, his outer tunic, and a vest. His boots were in a heap on the far side of the room, and his tattooed toes were wriggling wildly. "I… uh… I raised Astroturf." Reea squinted at him.
"Hmm… I don't like that answer!" Maul tried to flinch away from her, but couldn't move fast enough before she got a grip on his inner tunic and ripped it off of him. He still had plenty of clothing left, but at this rate, it wouldn't be hanging around much longer!
"Umm… Reea? Since when do you have a problem with clothing?" Pyla's eyebrow was arched high enough that it seemed to brush the ceiling. In the background, Yoda was flying, completely out of control, on the trampoline, while Jeffrey bounced, laughing, lecturing, and fingers flying.
"Oh, no problem with clothing, just with Maul wearing so much clothing…" Reea leered, and Maul winced, still trying to escape. She noticed his reaction and grabbed the next layer's shirt… "Maul, what else did you do when your Master was in the Senate?"
"Umm…" Maul was searching for an answer that wouldn't result in an immediate loss of clothing. "I… worked out, actually. Weight-lifting." Reea grinned.
"Now that answer I like! I'd also like to see the results of all that working…" Reea shredded another shirt. Pyla was quickly becoming bored with this entire scenario, and decided it was time to go help Jeffrey make Yoda's life miserable. Jeffrey was still bouncing and lecturing on the evils of modern psychiatric medicine. Yoda had long since bounced off the trampoline and collided with the wall. He was still picking pieces of mortar from his robes and fingering the handle of his lightsaber. Anger may not befit a Jedi, but he was becoming a bit peeved.
"They map out your entire mind, yes! So they know everything you'll ever do before you even think of it! And they give you these drugs! Yes! The drugs, they make you tell them everything about you, your thoughts your fears your dreams your nightmares, all of it! Yes!" While Jeffrey continued to rant, Yoda began to glare at him, still fingering his lightsaber. Pyla didn't think she'd ever seen Yoda so angry.
As Yoda began moving towards Jeffrey, a determined glint in his eye, the door to the Lobby slammed open. Silhouetted in the doorway was the Librarian. She was a tall woman, her silver hair was done up in a pair of buns, with long ponytails on each side. She was wearing a beanie, which barely seemed to detract from her regal bearing. Her white dress had a large bow on the front, with a crescent moon and a business length skirt. It was completely sleeveless and mostly form fitting.
"PYLA! REEA! What do you think you're DOING?" Reea looked up from where she had backed Maul into a corner, prepared to shred his tank top. His former layers of clothing had been reduced to a pile of shredded black material, and he was now wearing nothing but the tank top and a pair of boxers. His face was etched with an expression of extreme terror; his every move was a lesson in horror. Reea was grinning perversely, until she caught sight of the Librarian's face. Then her expression seemed to mirror that of Maul, as her mouth formed the words "uh oh…" Her eyes sought out her sister.
"Umm… Pyla? We're in trouble now, aren't we?" Pyla's head had whipped around from where she'd been hunched over Yoda, tickling the green Jedi Master. Her hair was still floating a bit from the sudden movement.
"Yeah, Reea, I'd say we're in trouble." The Librarian glared at the pair of miscreants.
"Trouble does not even begin to cover it." Her eyes flared, and the twin nocturnal terrors of the bookshelves cowered away from her anger. Maul, Yoda, and Jeffrey watched with interest, Maul and Yoda with something approaching gratitude, and Yoda with a light of recognition in his eyes. The short Jedi waddled over to her.
"Good to see you, it is. See you in a long time I have not." He did his best to kiss her hand, which she snatched away from his lips.
"Yoda, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Don't touch me." She punted him across the Lobby. He hit the wall and picked himself up, waddling back gamely. Luckily, the far wall was far away, and the Librarian didn't see him coming. She was busy dragging Reea away from Maul by the ear, and dragging Pyla away from Jeffrey by her long golden hair. Reea and her twin screamed twin agony.
"OWOWOWOWOW!!! LET ME GO!! OWWW!!!!" The twins screamed in perfect unison, and the Librarian just yanked harder. For once, the twin nocturnal terrors of the bookshelves were in perfect agreement on one thing, and the one thing was their hatred of the Librarian. The Librarian dropped the twins unceremoniously in one corner to lick their wounds and went to address the other inhabitants of the Library.
"I am the Librarian." From the way she said it, you could hear the capital "L." "I am in charge here, and you do not belong here. I am sending you all home." With that, she pulled a large crystal from apparently nowhere and the light from it enveloped each "guest" in a separate envelope. Then they were gone, and Pyla and Reea were still cowering in a corner. "As for you two," the Librarian paused menacingly, "you'll be cleaning out the toilets for the next month!" Before the twins could begin moaning and groaning and generally complaining, the Librarian continued. "You will also be keeping the security guard's desk immaculate. Not clean, immaculate. Your rooms will remain so clean that I can see my face reflected in the floor, and no Pyla, I don't care that your rooms are carpeted. In short, this Library will sparkle, and you two will make it sparkle." As she headed out the door, she tossed one last comment over he shoulder. "Oh, and no Force powers for the next month. I don't care if it's not fair." Then she was gone, and Pyla and Reea glared at each other. As one, they opened their mouths and spat the only phrase that came to mind.
"This is all your fault!"