Library: Episode 6
The Librarian, seated behind the information desk in a chair that looked more like a throne than anything else, was reading her mail and frowning. The particular letter she was reading that was causing her intense frowning exercises was from the Intergalactic Board of Edjamucashun. Apparently, the presence of so many minors in the Library had made it necessary that school facilities be provided for the nasty little creatures. The Librarian picked up a large mallet and slammed it into the gong to her right. Pyla and Reea came skittering into her august presence.
“You rang?” Reea was in the middle of arranging her hair into the most startling and intricate configurations known to man and had more bobby pins held in her teeth than the Librarian would have thought existed in the universe. Pyla brushed an aggravating floater out of her face as she asked her question.
“Yes, Pyla, I rang, as you put it. We have a problem, which means you have a problem.” The twins groaned, bobby pins launching themselves randomly from Reea’s mouth. The Librarian continued, “you see, the TYs are legal minors, and as such need an education. The IBE has proclaimed that we have to provide it.” Here the Librarian sneered at the nocturnal terrors nastily. “Or, rather, you have to see to it that it’s provided.” Pyla gulped, Reea barely managed to remind herself that gulping could prove fatal before following suit. They both winced.
“You mean… we have to open a school?” Disbelief was written across Pyla’s forehead in black magic marker. “Yes, dear. You have to open a school. And you have to staff it.” The Librarian’s sneer was taking on lethal proportions. She gestured dismissively and the twins slunk off feebly.
A few weeks later
The new wing of the Library was finally complete. The classrooms were air-conditioned, the desks were indestructible, at least in theory, and all that was missing was a teaching staff. Reea, Pyla, and the rest of the Library staff, with the notable exception of the Librarian, had been running rampant across the known and unknown galaxies and universes finding potential staff members.
One such member was just recovering consciousness on the floor of a classroom. He was not happy. Not happy at all. Spike grumbled in classic angry Brit fashion as he looked around the room. The brightly decorated room. The brightly decorated Home Ec classroom. The room, already hideous beyond words, was decorated with pastels. The teacher’s desk was the crowning glory of this monstrosity. There was a nametag on the front of the desk, written in purple crayon. It said “Spike.”
No, Spike was not happy. The last thing he remembered before waking up in this living nightmare was a rather sudden impact to the back of his skull and staccato laughter before slipping into unconsciousness...
Spike looked up as a shadow passed by the window of the classroom door. Grumbling again, he stalked to the door and threw it open. He looked down the hallway left, then to the right and saw nobody. “Bloody hell...what the bugger is going on...” he grumbled again. He’d lettered in grumbling.
Looking across the hall to another door, he read “Music Class,” written in purple crayon. “What is with these people and purple crayons?” He asked nobody in particular, then waited as if waiting for an answer. Not getting one, he took the opportunity to grumble again.
Giles wandered by and yelped when Spike grabbed him. “GAH!” was Giles first words at seeing the Vampire, the unhappy vampire. “Wha...what are you doing here?” He stuttered.
“I could ask you the same thing mate, and I could also ask.... Why is my name on a bloody Home Ec teacher’s DESK!?!” “You’re...you’re the home Ec teacher?” Giles replied, more shocked at the situation (not to mention irony) than the vampire currently glaring at him. “Why would they choose you as the home Ec teacher?”
“How the bloody hell would I know? And who are ‘they’?”
“Ohh...They are... are...the Janitors of all people...I really need to speak with the Librarian.”
“Librarian? Aren’t you the Librarian?” Spike was wondering what mess he’d found himself in. And this time he hadn’t had to do anything to get into the mess, either.
“Ah... No. I’m the head of security” Giles replied with a perfectly straight face.
At that moment, Pyla came wandering down the hallway, with a burger king crown on her head and a load of the accursed things in her arms. As she passed the two chatting people from earth, she plopped a burger king crown upon both of their heads with out even stopping. She disappeared around a corner.
Spike just looked at Giles then down the way Pyla went. Then back at Giles.
"An’ who was that?"
“Hummm? Who was who?” Giles looked up from the book he had buried himself in while Spike was looking at the way Pyla had gone.
“The blond that just smacked bloody paper crowns on our heads, that’s who.”
“Oh Pyla, she’s one of the Twin Janitors, the other being Reea, unwilling Queen of the Meanies.”
“Meanies eh? What are they, happy-meal-on-legs eaters by chance?” Spike said, looking hopeful...well as hopeful as he would allow himself to look.
“No, thank goodness.” That received a semi-pout from Spike, “They’re a group that splintered off from the TYs, a group of bean baby lovers.” This Spike shuddered at violently. Wouldn’t you?
“Who,” Giles continued, “are also your students.” Giles finished with a lop-sided grin.
Spike took a moment to think, then went into action. Slamming the burger king crown over Giles’ eyes, he took off down the hall. Spike’s flight came to an abrupt halt when he ran smack into a door someone had just opened in his face.
Poor Spike. He ended up unconscious again, just sprawled on the floor. The someone, the one that opened the door in his face, stepped out of the doorway, looking down at the unconscious vampire, somewhat confused. The someone was Reea.
Her hair still not back to normal from the Meanies manipulations, Reea looked to Giles. Questions were written all over her face. She decided to voice them seeing how Giles had once again buried his face in a book. “Giles, who is the blond guy currently sprawled on the floor?? How, and what is he doing here?”
Giles, the crown conveniently removed, seeing how he was reading, looked at Spike. “His name is Spike, and you opened a door in his face while he was running down the hall at a supernatural speed.”
Reea grumbled, “That’s not what I meant, I meant, what is he doing in the Library. Let alone the new School wing?”
“You mean you didn’t nab him for the Home Ec teacher?”
“No, I most certainly did not. Hummm...must have been Pyla...”
“That makes no sense. He’s a Vampire. He doesn’t eat. Let alone cook...”
An Anime styled sweat drop formed on Reea’s indigo-haired head. "Which, in Pyla's mind, makes perfect sense...somehow..."
Pyla, upon hearing her name, poked her head back around the corner she had recently disappeared around. Her arms were still full of paper crowns. Spotting the unconscious vampire, she looked at Reea, then to Giles. "What ya do to the Home Ec teacher?"
Reea and Giles exchanged looks. Giles cleared his throat. "I suggest we lock him up somewhere for now. He won’t be happy when he regains consciousness."
Another door swung open, this time sending Giles flying in to Reea. "ACK!" was all Reea got out before having the wind knocked out of her from the flying Giles. When they both managed to climb to their feet, they looked up to find a grinning Ramirez. "Dear me, you really shouldn't stand in front of doors that open towards you." He said, still grinning ear to ear.
He spotted the still, slow on healing today, unconscious Spike. "Company? And to think, I haven't done a thing with the windows."
"I see you found the new home EC teacher.” Connor’s voice came from behind Reea where he had been lurking in the shadows. Reea, Giles, and Pyla all gave a sudden shriek, of varying decibels and pitches, at finding Connor just suddenly there.
A groan drew the group’s attention back to Spike. Spike was finally coming back to the land of the undead and happy meals with legs. Spike just lay on the floor, spread-eagled, staring at the cieling. Until now, he’d never noticed how lovely the cieling looked from this position. Of course, this was the first time he’d really found himself in a position to study the cieling... The textured cieling, you know the kind, made of plaster and styrofoam bits that kids just seem to LOOOVE knocking down, was really quite nice to look at... As he lay there, studying the cieling and wondering what the back of his head was made of, it certainly felt spongy, Connor was looking at him, stifling laughter. The stifling attempts didn’t last long.
At the first peal of stacatto laughter, Spike catapulted up off the floor and at Connor’s rapidly bobbing Adam’s apple.... maybe even his rapidly pulsing jugular. Spike’s face took on a rather demonic aspect as he prepared to bite, only to find himself stopped by a tentative but firm tap on his shoulder.
“Ahem, Mr. Home Ec teacher, sir, you’re not allowed to eat the security staff.” Reea was standing behind him, her hair pulled as tightly behind her head as possible to minimize the appearance of the horrible perm.
Spike grumbled something that sounded a lot like “bloody hell...” and released his grip on Connor’s coat. Connor had been too shocked to do anything about the supernatural maniac speeding towards him to do anything about it, and now he was too shocked to react. Pyla grinned.
“Everybody, say hello to our new Home Ec teacher, Spike, the vampire!” Pyla was being chirpy and she was still grinning. She quickly made the rounds with the Burger King crowns again, conveniently knocking Reea’s butterfly clips loose and setting her hair free to frizz. Reea shried and ran off to fix the mess.
Later that week
"All right. You take the bloody lettuce, twist the top half off as it were someone's head the you really hate." Then you drown it in water," Spike paused, holding what was left of his lettuce underwater in a bucket, "Got that? Good. Now have at it until the end of class. You have a test on Salad mutilation on Friday."