These Are the Commandments You Should Know but Were Always Afraid to Ask...

Look, the background!...get it? Ya know...red sea...Moses got the Commandments after the Red Sea fiasco and...um, yeah...All right already, I'll just quit with this bad pun while I'm ahead.

*Note to (Captive) Audience: The Awkward Moment is now over. You can finish reading this without feeling sorry for me.*

Everyone seated, rested, shaved, waxed, oiled, watered, baked at 350 degrees, and relaxed? Good. Now, without further ado...Hey, stop being so relaxed!! Wake up!!! *ahem* Now, I shall proceed to...

The 10 Real, Honest-to-Jenny, I Ain't Yanking Yer Gills Here, Commandments (a.k.a. my infamous "Words of Wisdom"):

1. Thou shalt never date a man whose belt buckle be bigger than his head.

2. Thou canst not hide thy broccoli in thy glass of milk.

3. Thou shalt remember the Zamboni machine to keep it holy.

4. Thou shalt not use My Name in vain, unless thou wouldst like Me to do something!!!! So stop it already!!!!! Do you have any clue how distracting it is?!?!?...

5. Thou shalt not P God O when She is on Her cycle (a.k.a. The End of the World), or thou, being naughty in Her sight, shall snuff it and/or be sold for painful scientific experiments involving plastic sporks and charcoal lighter fluid.

6. Thou shalt not crack thy knuckles in the presence of God, as it doth drive Her completely nuts.

7. Thou shalt not touch the Holy and Omnipresent Fly Swatter of God.

8. Thou shalt not attempt to postpone My wrath by swipeing the Holy and Omnipresent Fly Swatter of God, unless thou hast some death wish that I be unaware of.

9. I am thy Holy and Omnipresent Fly Swatter, thou shalt have no other Fly Swatters before Me.

10. Thou shalt revere the SQUIIISH!!! of My Armpit Hair Incarnate, who is xARM.

11. Thou mayst not cook macaroni in thy fish tank.

12. Thou shalt not pass Go.

13. Thou shalt not collect $200.

13 and 1/2. Thou shalt not disobey God and Her Commandments, or thou shalt be scraped off of the Wrathful, Holy, and Omnipresent Fly Swatter of God with a Phillips Screwdriver.

--from the Book of Absurd, 2:15 a.m.

Had enough? *amused* Oh, quit whining and get your little bottom back to the mainframe, if you're going to be a wet blanket about it.