To all of ye who doth readeth this, yes thou do doth knowest me.  I am Rob Schroeder, and am reeallly bored.  This is the product of a college student who can't find anything better to do.  Feel free to respond.

THE SACRED ART OF "SQUIIIISH"

I.  Proper execution.

    To properly perform the Squiiiish one must first meditate upon the stupidity or otherwise lack of a life that one has since one is taking this seriously.
    Once this is completed one should stop meditating, and beat ones head against a fairly soft surface (just in case your head really is as soft as a ripe melon) to try and gain some of the sense one is obviously lacking.  After all these conditions have been met, one is prepared to actually learn the move.

II.  El Tweak  or  The Minor Squiiiish

    Curl all the fingers (on the hand of your choice) into a fist, and then extend the forefinger-pointer and the thumb-the thick one, and step up to someone.  Once you are in arms reach of their nose place your extended fingers on opposite sides of the victim's nose and close the gap between your fingers rapidly.  Then release, turn, and run away, you will be chased.

III.  Sie Big Pinch  or  The Intermediate Squiiiiish

    Extend all fingers, and step within arms length of someone (it is not a good idea to do this to the same person, since they might use one or more of the moves on you in retribution).  Placing your fingers near the victim's cheek, put your thumb opposite the other fingers, and then squeeze the victim's cheek for one hard but extremely brief period.  Then release, turn, and run away even faster than you did before, you will be chased with intent to injure.

IV.  Le SQUIIIIIISH   or   SQUIIIIIIISH

    Curl your fingers into a fist, and extend all your fingers on the other hand.  Then have someone place their hand on your flattened hand, and then yell "SQUIIIISH" at the top of your lungs while bringing your fist down on the victim's hand.  Then don't bother running, you won't get away.  You will be killed.

   THE ART OF "SQUISH"
                PART II-FURTHERING THE SQUISH.

    In this new document we shall explore different avenues of Squish's ancient workings, delving into the ancient ways of Squish.  Let us begin.

        From the prehistoric days of the dinosaurs, and later, the cavemen, we have unearthed a primitive version of the modern day Squish. It is called:  Neanderthal Squish.
    To perform this ancient move, one must first acquire a large, thick, club-like object - a baseball bat will suffice - then step up
behind someone you really don't like. Tap them on the shoulder with the bat, and then hold it straight up
between you and the other person.  When they turn around, yell "Ug ug grunt plarf SQUISH!!!!"  And proceed to pound your head against the bat as hard as you can until you pass out.  (Hey, I never said that this was a GOOD move to use, in fact many archaeologists are surprised that the art of Squish survived beyond this strange period of history.)  Obviously, as it was in the 
original Squish, running away is an option, provided you don't smear yourself all over the bat first.

    The second addition to the Squish index, comes to us from around the times that Christ first walked this earth.  It is called:  I Squish you my child.
    The application of this move is only in the case of a Holy Crusade, or a really obnoxious person at church.  Simply place yourself in front of the subject, and place your palm flat about half a foot from their face, while preparing to run away (especially if the person is the priest).  In a low and reverent voice, say to the subject:  "In the name of the second Plarf, and DOS 3.0, I SQUISH thee." And promptly close the distance between your palm and the person's face with a great deal of force.  Then run as though you had just Squished the pastor.

    During the Middle Ages, or the Dark Ages, Knights and Clerics roamed the land spreading the words of religion and Kings' law.  Well, during this period too there was a problem with highwaymen and superstition, and so came about the third art of Squish:  Hold ye fool, I would Squisheth thee.
    To properly complete this manuver you must deck yourself out in heavy steel chain-mail, and heavier steel full body armor...or tin foil and cardboard since it's lighter and more likely to be found.  Then walk up to the subject (you don't need to face them,...) and raise your steel gauntleted fist - or tin foiled fist - and (...you weenie) yell:  "Unworthy cretin, I SQUISH thee in the name of ____*." Then run as fast as you can in that tin suit.
    *name every president you can think of, and attach names of royalty to them in the process.

    After the middle ages, there wasn't a revival of Squish until now since many of the Knights who used this method of attack were subsequently killed since they took too long (can you imagine two of them doing this at the same time?).  Anyway, we now enter into the last portion of this new index (oh shut up, it hasn't been that bad!  C'mon, stop the damn cheering!).  This final section is called NEW AGE SQUISH.

    The first move is probably the first one ever made since the dark ages:  Vulcan Spock Squish.
    Created from the popular but emptyheaded television series:  Star Trek, the Vulcan Spock Squish is as thus, find someone who walks around daily wearing Star Trek paraphanalia in an otherwise non-trekkie environment, and ask them if they have ever heard of the Vulcan Spock Squish.  If they have not, tell them that they couldn't salvage the individual intelligence of an assimilated Tribble from that mass of grey matter in their cranium.  If they have, ask them if they really have that much free time.  To perform this move simply grab the subject from behind by their shoulder and shove them face first into their stand-up cardboard Captain Kirk.

    The second is the Froog Squish, it was created in the deep jungle where scientists supposedly came across frogs of unusual size that could fly.
    This manuever is for use only when one encounters flying giant jungle frogs, since nothing else is really scared of it.  Place yourself about seven feet in front of where you think the frog will land when it finally lands, and then give the frog an additional twenty feet since your perception sucks (trust me it does.). Once the frog lands, and provided you are still alive at this point, place both hands on opposite sides of your head, stick out your tounge, and yell:  "Boogie boogie boogie SQUISH!"  Repeat this until the frog becomes so bored with watching an insect hop up and down screaming at it, that it leaves.  Then, if you still have some energy, turn around and run until you get the hell out of there.

    The third new age Squish is a rural creation, it began in Green Bay, Wisconsin, by a Packers fan who heard about the first Squish.  It is one of the few effective maneuvers of Squish created in the last amount of years that Squish has been around.  It is:  the Packerback Squish.
    For this to be effective one must be playing football for the Green Bay Packers, have drunk approximately their weight in beer, and ate twice their weight in Bratwurst and cheese.  Then, when you have the ball, or an opponent in front of you, or just feel the need for a bowel movement (any combination will work too), charge and once contact is made - either with the opponent or the goal post, whichever comes first - yell/belch:  "SQUISH, AYE?"

    The final entry in this new age Squish index is perhaps the most powerful and dangerous of all the Squish moves, it is:  SQUISH HIM FOR DADDY!
    To perform this move, acquire first a large (I mean really bloody huge) mallet, rubber-wooden-iron-I don't care, and walk up to someone who has really pissed you off in the last 2.18903675 days, raise the mallet and scream:  "SQUISH HIM FOR DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Don't bother running, the  police and those nice men in white coats will come by to talk to you (again if you have used  anything on the first list).

                You were warned, and here it is.

                        xaRm/Rob 
(Mastermind and creator of "Squish," and all around overly bored diety)

BRINGING THE SQUISH INTO "LUDICROUS SPEED" The Third Index of Pain via the Squish by: XaRm/ROb

    Due to recent experiences of the author this first entry is cruel to all whom have or would seek to place a Dr. in the front of their name. It is called: "OK, I lied, this is going to hurt like a son of a... ...SQUISH!!!"
    To begin this manuever, it is recommended that you be out of the operating room already, and simply have come in for a post op exam (and still you should wait until the nice doctor is done with you). Grab the offending physician by his stethoscope (open to interpretation), pull them in close while holding the sound amplifying end up to your lips, and yell as loud as you can: "Hey Doc, you're right, this doesn't hurt me a bit!" Then flee the hospital as fast as you can. If you get caught, well, it was worth it wasn't it?

[Ah, we feel better, do I? No, I still hurt, but that's beside the point. But enough about me, the Squish shall go on,...] {"Oh stop screaming, you know he's going to keep doing this if you encourage him. Just suffer through it, it'll build character, like poverty, and taxes, and green things that your mom puts on the plate and tells you to eat."}

    For purposes that are obvious except to the extremely dense [Who will be among those I want to get the hell out of the room right now.], and for reasons that shall become clear momentarily, I would ask that all readers under the age determined by their parents to be unfit to read anything that has something worse than "Golly, Gosh, or Darn" in it to leave the room. I'm going to skip the intermediate crap "gee, whiz, shit, hell, damn, and fart" and go straight to the:

BEYOND ANAL LEVEL

Yes, that's right, I'm going to unleash the great, the awsome, the stupendous, the-wouldn't you rather I get on with it-inspiring:

HOLY SQUISH, HOOSIER

This is a series of the most sacred Squish manuvers ever to be contemplated [in other words I'm just now getting around to tormenting you people with them.].

    The first squish in this series is one created by bagel eaters who have been tormented, and harassed by those despicable Doughnuts! So, to protect themselves from their holed enemies, the Bagels created the: Bagel Hole Squish!
    The proper execution of this manuever first requires that you obtain a bagel. DON'T EAT IT. Take a billiards cue stick (a pool stick stupid) and slide the bagel over the top of it. Now, walk up behind the closest doughnut eater and raise the cue above your head. Bring the cue crashing down on their head, if they don't move to much after that, pick up your bagel. Now you can eat it. If they are still moving [which would be the case if your aim is terrible, or you just hit someone with a head of stone] turn and flee while screaming: "I have Squished, therefore I'm in deep ****!"

    This next method of the Squish, is derived from the theory of physics that brought about the thought of Black Holes. [However, we here at XarmiTE enterpriseS have no stock in space, and so we had to make this a little closer to home.]

    This manner of Squish regards the properties of a Black Hole that "Suck" all surrounding matter with the strength of "a Hoover vacuum with a jet engine strapped to it." It is called: The Vac-U-Squish.
    To properly execute this maneuver, one must aquire a large vacuum cleaner, or rig up a contraption with similar capabilities [we recommend a Sears Shop-Vac]. Then stand directly in front of the Squishee while pointing the business end of your machine towards them, with your free hand at the power switch. [For those not mechanically inclined to the point of not being able to figure out how to flush the toilet, it usually helps if you have someone else plug the vacuum in and position you.] Yell at this person (yes, you have to yell it, hell you're standing there with a bloody vacuum aimed at them, if you haven't attracted any attention already then you're alone. Now stop with the damn interruptions!): "How doth thou wish to be Squished-eth? Wouldst thou prefer SUCK or BLOW?" Then, regardless of what the say, if they say anything, hit the power switch and let 'er rip. Jabbing it at them as though it were a sword and not an appliance is recommended. Then run away laughing hysterically. If you actually manage to do anything beyond confuse the Squishee, I am impressed.

    Now chickadees, we drop to the street level of crappy horror films, and explore how to truly remove the threat of a thrice-dead, chainsaw wielding, death proof, and otherwise ugly zombie/spirit/director. In: "No! Don't open that,... ...eewwww..."

    The first version of this type of Squish is derived from the "Daydream on Squish street" series. It is called "Don't point those things at me, SQUISH!"
    To perform this, you must wait until the dude with those three foot finger nails is near you (tip: go to sleep) then, when the background music hits it's high point just pull out a metal file and yell: "Trimming the nails Squish!" Then proceed to file the burnt bastards nails down to isty bitsy stubs. Then laugh hysterically at the idiot.

    The second version of this new Squish is from the "Plarfday the 14th1/2" series. Specifically the last movie (I hope): George goes to Heck. It is called: "Did you know that there's a green thing hanging out of your nose? Squish it!"
    To perform this maneuver properly you need only find a guy who has been dead at least four times, has a thing about toting a chainsaw, and kills every teen ager in the movie except for the one who always manages to break his little toys just in time for the credits. When you have found him take a screw driver and dismantle his oversized, and somehow automated even though he never buys more gas for it, chainsaw. All the while you are doing this sing: "Squish the dead man's little toy, squish the dead man's little toy..." When you are done, tell him: "You've been a very bad little dead guy, now go to your room for the next millenia or so."

    Now, for those of you who are fairly well read in your local bookstore's Sci- Fi/Fantasy department there is a special series of Squish for you... SQUISH GETS LITERAL

    Our first piece of silly wrongness is the "Jordian Squish." Derived from the Robert Jordan series "The Wheel of Time," which has yet to be completed. Those of you who haven't read it should, those who have, I squish thee.
    In the performance of the Jordian Squish, you must aquire a large thick book, approximately the size of War and Peace and tuck it under your arm as though you actually intended to read it. [Please note: for this squish it is highly recommended that you use a hard back version of one of the seven Jordan books currently in print.] Step in front of the person that you would Squish, and raise the book above your head as though to bring it down on their head in a most painful way, and yell: "Confusing Story Squi..." start to bring the book down, but once you reach the word "Squi..." stop, turn around and walk away muttering to yourself.
    After a half an hour has passed, repeat the process to the same person. Do this until a restrianing order has been placed upon you, or a full day has actually passed.

This completes this version of the Tird [4rd-1rd] Squish. Please continue reading for further information reguarding your further enlightenment in this holy manner.

YET ANOTHER SQUISH
The Yoda-ese Squish (I do not know why Rob chose to inflict this upon the world, but I, as a loyal scribe, have recorded it... *L*)
To execute this squish one must be shorter (lie on the ground if you have to!) than the squishee (not to be confused with "squishy). Then, say to the intended victim: "A squish in form the to head boot give I to you!" Then poke their knees 'til they fall over. Then: "I sense much cheese in you!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE - [translation: meaningless garbage that the author thought sounded important at the time] It hath come to mine attentions that there are those among ye who hath taken it upon thyselves to further mine indexes of Squish without the consultation, nay e'an the permission of mine self to do as this. If thou doth wish to enable thine ideas, and I shallt peruse those that are recieved, simply give this idea to the one that thou hadst recieved thine reading of the Squish from. Or, thou mayest go to the place where the most purple and strange "Pages - Some With Writing On Them - of Xarm" there thou mayest transfer thine ideas unto a xarmite who shouldst o'er time deliver them unto me. I tank thee.

XARM

NOTE OF XARMITE STATUS: If there are any who doth wish to become followers of Xarm, you must first pass the test that is placed within the "Pages", and then send thine results to that same place where you took the test from originally. If I am told of it, I will recieve thy address of E-mail [no postal mail will be sent - I don't like addressing envelopes and stamps taste yucky] and therefore send thee thy status and its advantages, that are not included in the "Pages."