Disclaimer:on first part of story.
By Orion (Aug 1998)
Chakotay awoke from a deep sleep to the irritating sound of an alarm going off. He stopped the offensive noise and then realized something was different. As he blinked his eyes a few times, the memories of the previous night came flooding back. Kathryn. They had made love. More than once. He reached over to the other side of the bed and found it empty. "Kathryn?" he called. No answer. He got out of bed and looked out through the doorway into the living room. "Kathryn?" he called again. And again no answer.
Thinking she must have had some early business to take care of, Chakotay gathered his clothes, got dressed, and made his way to his quarters, making sure no one was in the corridor when he left. Getting ready for his duty shift, he thought back to his night with Kathryn. It had been beautiful, just like her. He was glad he had been able to be there for her when she needed someone. He hadn't intended to make love to her. It had just happened. She hadn't rejected him as he had half expected her to do. Chakotay smiled. Maybe this meant she was ready to hear what he wanted to tell her. What he had been waiting to tell her for so long. That he loved her.
Chakotay made his way to the Bridge, nodding greetings to the various crewmen he passed. He rounded a corridor. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway."
"Captain Janeway is in her ready room."
Already, he thought. She works too much. The corners of his mouth turned up in a feral grin as he thought of ways to convince her not to work too much.
He entered the Bridge and sat down as Tuvok gave him the report. All systems were fine and he picked up a padd from his console and began reading. Nothing registered after the first few lines, though, as his mind drifted again to Kathryn. He'd tell her he loved her tonight he decided. Maybe surprise her with a candlelight dinner. He glanced up at the ready room door. How long was she going to be in there?
After forty-five minutes of sitting impatiently in his chair, he couldn't wait any longer. "Tuvok, you have the Bridge," he said, rising and crossing to her door. The door opened and he found Kathryn sitting behind her desk studying her computer screen. "Good morning," he said cheerily.
"Good morning, Commander," she replied, slowly standing up and walking around her desk.
"I couldn't wait to see you," he said, coming to stand in front of her. "I missed you this morning." He put his hands on her shoulders, and as he began to lean toward her Kathryn's hands came up and gently pushed on his chest.
She backed up a step. "Chakotay..."
"What's wrong?" he asked, but already had a feeling he knew.
She stepped up to the upper level and turned around. "Chakotay," she began grimly, "we have to talk."
"I don't think I like the sound of that," he said, feeling the knife she was ready to stab him in the heart with already drawing blood.
"I'm sorry."
A slow burn was beginning to take root in him. "Don't think you're going to end this, Kathryn," he said, trying to deny what was about to happen.
"Nothing's begun to end. We..."
"Nothing's begun!?" he asked incredulously, walking away from her, his one hand raking his hair. Then he turned and looked at her, and something seemed to snap inside of him as he became angry with himself as well as her. "Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have risked anything with you," he said disgustedly, and saw her flinch. "I knew it was too good to be true." And to think he had been planning on telling her he loved her. At least she had saved him that embarrassment.
"Chakotay, let's talk about this later. Please, now is not the time," she said, pleading with him.
"Now is never the time with you. And what's left to talk about? Apparently it's all been decided."
"Meet me in my quarters at 19:00. I want to explain, but not here."
"Is that an order, Captain?"
Kathryn looked at him a moment. "No," she said quietly.
"Am I dismissed?"
"Chakotay..." she looked like she was about to say something else, but in the end said, "Yes."
Chakotay left the ready room and stormed off the Bridge, not caring what comments arose in his wake.
*****
That evening Kathryn paced the length of her living room. She checked the time yet again. 19:20. Let's face it, Kathryn, he's not coming. And can you blame him? He had been so angry when he had left her ready room that morning. She knew she had hurt him, but she still felt the need to explain that it had been a mistake and why this couldn't go on. Why 'they' couldn't go on. And she was right about this, wasn't she? Her white teeth gnawed on her bottom lip. But if had felt so right when they had made love. Chakotay had made her feel so safe, so secure, so...loved.
Kathryn forced those thoughts from her mind. She didn't want to think about that now. She didn't want to complicate things further. Well since he won't come to you, I guess you'll have to go to him. Somehow she had to smooth things over with him. Working with him under these conditions would be very uncomfortable. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."
With determination, Kathryn strode out of her door and down the corridor to Chakotay's quarters. She rang the door chime and waited. Now that she was actually there she began to feel nervous. What if he refused to see her? And if he did allow her to explain, what would she say? The door opened suddenly, breaking her train of thought and causing her to jump. Chakotay stood just inside the door, his face devoid of all expression, as if he knew who would be waiting on the other side.
"Captain," he said. "May I help you with something?"
"Please, Chakotay, may I come in?"
He seemed about to refuse her, but then took a step backward and allowed her to enter. "Please make this quick. I have reports to finish," he said tersely.
His none too friendly voice rasped along her already sensitive nerves. She turned around to face him. He was now pacing back and forth. "I never meant for all of this to happen."
"Obviously."
Ignoring his comment, she continued, "Believe me, Chakotay, I never wanted to hurt you. I was upset. I...I needed someone."
"And since I was the closest....?" Chakotay left his sentence unfinished.
"No," Kathryn said, denying his implication. This wasn't going the way she wanted. "I admit, it was a mistake on my part..."
"Mine too, apparently," he cut her off. "Now that I see it for what it was. You used me," he charged.
"No! Oh Chakotay, it wasn't like that!"
Chakotay stopped pacing and the sharp glint in his eyes was enough to pin her where she stood. "It wasn't? Then what was it? If you didn't use me, then what the hell was it?" He took a step toward her and she involuntarily retreated a step. "Tell me, Kathryn. I'd really like to know!"
Kathryn didn't answer, but stood rooted to her spot watching the changing expressions on his face. Anger. Pain. Disappointment. Then his features seemed to soften almost imperceptibly. "Kathryn, are you scared?"
"Of course not," she denied rather quickly. "Why would you think that?"
Chakotay looked at her and his eyes turned hard again. "No reason. Pardon me if I thought for a moment Captain Janeway would ever be afraid of anything."
"Chakotay?" she took a step closer. "How can you say that? You know me. And you have to know I would never use you in any way."
"Wouldn't you?" he asked, and for a second she thought he was going to laugh. Then his expression became deadly serious. "I've seen what you're capable of when you want something badly enough." His words, though spoken quietly, stung, and Kathryn recoiled as if she'd been struck.
"That's not fair," she whispered.
"You slept with me." Chakotay slowly walked up to her. "You allowed me to make love to you. Numerous times." He reached up and ran his thumb lightly over her lips. "And don't tell me you didn't enjoy it, Kathryn, because I know you did." Kathryn blushed and looked away from him, not wanting to meet his eyes for fear he'd see the truth of his words. "Now you say it has to stop, and tell me I'm not being fair? If there is another reason why you're doing this, I'd like to know now."
Chakotay took a step back and Kathryn stared at him. "I..." she stammered, and licked her dry lips. For the life of her she couldn't think of anything to say. How could she make him see he was wrong about her motives.
Chakotay's eyes narrowed. "I guess that answers my question. Have a nice life, Kathryn," he said, and her eyes grew wide.
"Chakotay...?" She reached out to him and he withdrew as if her touch was poison.
He continued as if she hadn't spoken. "Have a nice lonely life. Because that's what it's going to be. Not only will you not have any children to share it with you, but you won't have a man either."
Kathryn felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. Tears filled her eyes as his cruel words lashed her like a whip, and she blindly ran past him and headed out of the door. When the door started to close behind her, she heard him call, "Kathryn, wait!" but she didn't stop until she was safely inside her quarters.
As soon as her door closed, Kathryn let the tears flow. How could he say such horrible things to her? She didn't think he was capable of being so malicious. She sat on the sofa and wrapped her arms around her stomach. "Damn you, Chakotay," she said hoarsely, as she rocked back and forth. She should never have told him what had been bothering her. But she had needed to talk to someone, and how would she have known he would use it as ammunition to purposely hurt her?
If only she could turn the clock back twenty-four hours and do it all differently. But would she? No. She knew she wouldn't. The realization shocked her and she stood up and ordered a glass of water from the replicator. Her hand trembled as she sipped the cool liquid. She wouldn't give up last night for the world. Those memories would last her a lifetime. A long 'lonely' lifetime.
Kathryn set the glass on the table as her mind wandered to the previous night. It had been perfect. Or, as near perfect as anything could be. Chakotay had been both passionate and tender, and Kathryn had drifted off to sleep in his arms as if she had finally come home. She frowned. If that was the case, why was she stopping this? Had it really been a mistake? With that question in her thoughts, she got ready for bed and settled down for a night of restless sleep.
*****
"Damn it!" Chakotay growled as his door closed on Kathryn's retreating back. His hands tore through his hair in frustration and anger as he paced his quarters. He was still angry with Kathryn, but now a lot of that anger was directed at himself. Why did he say that? How could I have used something she had told me in confidence to hurt her? God, I'm a bastard! He knew he had lashed out at her because he was hurting from her rejection. He didn't understand how she could use him. It went against his grain to even think she was capable of something like that. Couldn't she see that he loved her? Or maybe she just didn't care.
Chakotay took out his medicine bundle and tried to contact his spirit guide. An hour later, he sat on his living room floor, unsuccessful in his attempts. With anger and regret weighing him down, Chakotay did his best to get some sleep for the long day he was sure lay ahead of him.
*****
Kathryn sat on the Bridge the next day staring out of the viewscreen, lost in her own thoughts. Chakotay sat next to her reading a padd. The rest of the Bridge crew was quiet, only speaking when necessary, perhaps sensing the tension between their Commanding Officers, who hadn't said more than ten words to each other since starting their shifts.
Kathryn sighed inwardly. Through her night of tossing and turning, she had been startled to realize that the feelings she had felt while in Chakotay's arms, were the same feelings that had her running from him. Running because she was scared. Up to this point she hadn't quite understood why she felt the need to put a stop to the relationship. But now she knew it was because she was afraid of feeling too much, of needing too much. She was afraid she would need Chakotay so much that she wouldn't be able to function without him.
As the irony of the situation struck her, Kathryn stifled the urge to laugh. Kathryn Janeway. Able to stand up to the Borg collective, but one lone man makes her run for her life. She knew now her true mistake hadn't been making love with Chakotay, but trying to end what they had started. Kathryn chanced a glance at Chakotay and found him watching her. Their eyes locked for a few seconds before he looked back down at his padd. It's too late. We've most likely ruined any chance we may have had with each other. Too much had been said, and none of it the right words. Kathryn sighed again, this time out loud. In spite of all the things Chakotay had said to her the night before, she felt herself loving him anyway. What a damn mess.
The rest of her duty shift had passed much too slowly, and Kathryn found herself taking refuge in her ready room for most of the afternoon, glad when she had finally been able to leave. The dinner she had replicated in her quarters that evening lay mostly untouched and cold on the table. Kathryn sat on her sofa with her legs curled beneath her. It wasn't like her to wallow in self pity, but she was doing it none the less. "Have a nice 'lonely' life," rang hollowly in her ears, echoing throughout the far reaches of her mind. She may have lost her chances of ever having children, but she didn't want to live the rest of her life alone. She wanted and needed someone to share it with her. She needed Chakotay.
Just then her door chimed pulling her out of her reverie. "Come in," she called automatically. The door opened and Chakotay entered, allowing the door to close behind him before walking further into the room. Kathryn remained where she was, and watched him come closer. The pain she saw in his eyes was reflected in her own. "If you came to tear me apart again you might as well leave now," Kathryn said, looking down at her hands. She couldn't handle another assault from him.
"I didn't come here to attack you," he said quietly. "I came to apologize."
"What?" Kathryn asked, looking up at him again.
"I shouldn't have said those things to you yesterday. About having a lonely life. It wasn't fair and I didn't mean it. I'm sorry." Chakotay sat on the sofa and turned to face her. "I was angry that you rejected me after we had made love, and I wanted to hurt you as much as I was hurting. I just didn't understand why you did it. I still don't."
"At that time, I didn't understand it either," she said, and saw his eyebrows raise fractionally. "I've thought about nothing else but this since then. I finally came to the conclusion that I was scared."
"Kathryn..." Chakotay began, but she held up her hand and stopped whatever he was about to say.
"I was scared of needing someone so much. When we made love, I never before felt like that. So safe and loved, and so full of need. I felt totally consumed by it. I was overwhelmed and that scared the hell out of me. I didn't know how to handle it."
"I do love you, Kathryn."
"I know," she said as a single tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. "I was afraid I would come to rely on those feelings too much. I didn't want to need someone like that. But it's too late. I already do."
"It's O.K. to feel that way, just don't keep pushing people away. You won't get hurt if you don't get involved, that's true. But that does lead to a lonely life, and everybody needs to give and receive love, even Kathryn Janeway. She's only human."
"I know that now. I'm sorry I caused this whole mess," she said helplessly. "Did you really think I used you?"
"Don't be sorry," he said, taking her hands in his. "And, no, I didn't. I tried to tell myself that because it made it easier to deal with. But I suspected you may have been scared. I just couldn't think of why."
"I love you, Chakotay. I always will."
"And I intend to make the woman I love feel safe for all eternity," Chakotay said, his lips gently taking hers as if to prove it.
END